[Dragonfly]

I'm so far off of my center lately that I'm practically walking sideways.

Long story short - just started working, ds just started kindergarten. Big changes for all. We're settling in, but EVERYTHING is a major battle. We've never been like this before. The worst thing is that every single morning he throws a fit about his clothes. He's always been very particular - probably a sensory thing. I bend over backwards to find clothing that works for him but he finds problems with them anyway. Thing is that he's so dramatic about every little thing that I can't figure out whether there actually is a problem or whether he's just decided there's a problem and he's making a huge production out of it. Regardless, I know there's *some* problem, just maybe not the problem at hand (i.e., the clothing).

I just can't manage to handle it gracefully, though, when it's 7:50 a.m. and we were supposed to be out of the door at 7:30 so that I could manage to get in to work on time and not incur the wrath of the dragon lady boss.

This is foreign territory, this constant battling. He's always been a handful (in the best possible way), but I've always had the time and patience to handle things well. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

Can someone give me a GD refresher... and type slowly in small words so that it can really sink in? I hate where our relationship is going lately.

 

[mommy2abigail]

Close. your. eyes. Take. a. deep. breath. Repeat. Repeat. Hope this gets better for you mama. I know it sounds looney, but could you just give up the battle about clothing? Like "Ok, ds, time to get dressed. What would you like to wear?" If ds doesn't pick, find two acceptable outfits and offer those two choices. If he wont chose between those, just maybe say, "Ok, ds, well we need to leave in 5 minutes, so lets just get some shoes on, you can wear your jammies, and I'll pack this outfit in case you change your mind at school." And that's it. Just make it a non-issue. Jammies at school are no big deal, providing they are weather appropriate. I dont know if thats the best solution, but I'd probably try that, and see if it made a difference. HTH>

 

[Dragonfly]

I actually really wish he would wear his pajamas to school.

I suggested it to him but he says it would embarrass him.

I'm so used to things going smoothly, not making an issue out of things that aren't important, etc., that I'm now at a loss as to what to do when there doesn't seem to be any mutually agreeable solution.

But, really, it's not just the clothes. It seems like everything is tanking. What we really need is aa few more hours in the day. We can't have that, so, then, what I need is to be able to handle things better. I just feel like I'm at my limit... and I start resenting his behavior, as though he's doing it to make me angry, and getting into reactive mode. I also am starting to feel, though, that at almost 6, he should be better able to handle frustration - at least be able to express it in a productive way instead of launching full-on into screaming fits. I know we're feeding off of one another in this. And I feel like my expectations might be a little off.

 

[m9m9m9]

I feel for you. I know how hard mornings can be. I work full time and have to leave every morning very early to beat the traffic and to make it to work on time. I am sure you already get up pretty early but I would suggest get up a half hour earlier at least for a while until you get a system going in the morning and things have evened out. You won't be so time crunched and this may help your feelings of frustration.

That being said I don't fool around during the morning routine. Ever. I know people will disagree but I must leave the house by a certain time. Its just non negotiable. This is the one thing I am huge stickler for and I put up with nothing during the morning. All other times though I am stickler for almost nothing.

Now my DD is younger, a little over 2, so I can still dress her relatively easily. I don't let her choose her outfits bc she wouldn't make a choice if I offered but if she was particular I would have her pick it out the night before. We have struggled with getting dressed but its basically her crying and complaining while I still continue to dress her all the while telling her I understand she isn't happy about the situation but we have to get dressed and get going.

From the time my DD is out of bed till the time I leave out the door is @15 minutes. We do the same thing every morning, in the same order, and I think that helps too.

Maggie

 

[gr8fulmom]

I think for me I would try to talk to my son at some other time (not the morning

) about what my issues were, what parts were absolute (like we must be out the door by 7:30) and try to work together to find solutions... maybe take him to buy more clothes if that's possible even second hand... let him help generate ideas to help get you out the door... I find that when I explain to my ds my rationale and he feels like part of the solution process not the problem, we all really try to make the idea work and it usually does! good luck

 

[irinam]

Hugs mama... Seems like there are many changes to your tried and true life style, and it's always hard, especially on the little ones.

Did you try (you probably did

) asking him to choose the clothes he is going to wear the night before? For a while it worked with DD...

Hang in there. Things tend to work themselves out when you keep the "right" attitude.

(Written by another full time working mama

: )

 

[Mamma Mia]

I need this thread too. I'm gonna lurk and read advice. I need a rubberband for my wrist I can snap when I get frustrated and on it I want to write, "This is your brain on clomid."

 

[blessed]

Poor little guy, having to be dressed and out the door so early, kwim? It's not very natural for children, but is often the sad reality for working parents.

Something that has helped us has been for me to get up several hours before I have to leave the house. Often I get up around 4 am

:. Then I snuggle next to dd, browse MDC, watch the morning news, and just make enough light and noise that dd spontaneously and gradually wakes up.

We have special morning rituals and treats that she looks forward to, so that she is inspired to wake up. For instance, she gets her gummy vitamins, she gets to take a bath with me, and we always do a real sit down breakfast together with whatever she likes as food choice. She really likes fresh fruit and - unfortunately - candy. So we usually have something or other that she's been looking forward to eating dangling as a special treat for breakfast or for after breakfast.

We do other little things, like go out together to look at the sun, or look at a new toy together, what have you.

Mostly, the point is to try and make our morning time together special and fun. I always remember in my own household, mornings being this awful, stressful time in which everyone was running late, snapping at each other, unhappy. I didn't want dd to start her days like that.

I imagine it gets tougher as the kids get more mature (dd is 2.75), so I'll just have to see how things pan out over time. But so far, it's working pretty well.

Good luck, mama!

 

[anj119]

o m g, blessed!

i think i am in love with you.......

ha. no, please don't be scared.... i just really had a strong reaction to reading your post. I remember the exact same things about mornings when i was a child; hurry hurry snap crackle (nerves) can't be late getting yelled at anxiety anxiety hell. I still, as an adult have some sort of inner rebellion concerning mornings and schedules, and the memories i have of those things are terribly clear -despite being two decades past by now.

I really wanted to thank you for sharing those things which you have so thoughtfully implemented for your children, to protect them from the negative associations i have and that you may have had also.

Please forgive me, i am not a hijacker. I was just so touched by blessed's post. I don't know if it is the kind of help the OP was looking for or not, only that for me, it was pure magic.

sincerely,
-anj119

 

[lolar2]

I was like your DS when I was his age

: and my parents sometimes had good luck with putting me to bed earlier. That way I would naturally wake up quite early, so I had time for my tantrums without making anyone late for anything.

 

[coloradoalice]

It sounds like extra preparation on your part will pay off in spades!

Can you do morning things at night before bed? As much as possible, even down to having him sleep in the clothes he will wear to school if you can. If not pick out outfits the night before, put on shoes before eating breakfast, get yourself up and ready before he's even awake so you can be there to assist him in whatever way he needs.

He's in kindergarten so he's 4 or 5, right. He's plenty old enough for a good old heart to heart talk then. Enlist him as your assistant. Have him help you write out a morning schedule that he agrees with. Maybe take him out for a special date and then talk this thing through. He is old enough to understand what you need, and talking when things are calm and not in the heat of the moment could really help. Ask him what he needs before he's screaming in tears. Come up with a plan together. It's amazing what kids will do when it's their idea!

Good luck. I was a nanny for a long time before I had kids of my own and a lot of that experience is really helping with parenting now. I used a lot of these ideas and they usually worked well. My own daughter is 2 1/2 and starting to have an opinion on everything. It's a challange, but I'm trying to work with it!

 

[blessed]

Quote:

Originally Posted by anj119 ...I was just so touched by blessed's post. I don't know if it is the kind of help the OP was looking for or not, only that for me, it was pure magic...

How sweet! You made my day

.

 

[traceface]

I also strive for blessed's approach. It may be hard to get up at first, I don't consider myself naturally a morning person. But if you think about it everyone is all fresh and in a better mood in the morning, once you feel awake.

Perhaps you should strive for most of your quality time with your son in the morning, even if that means shifting your schedules entirely and going to bed very early (7:30 for him, 9 for you?) You could forget about dinner being a sit-down time, or playing with ds at the end of the day. Just food, books, bed. (have you ever read " the 7"0'clock Bedtime)

Everything important could happen in the morning instead: bath, real meal together, maybe a book or short game together. I bet getting out the door will be fine or much better.

 

[traceface]

blessed you wrote

Quote:

something that has helped us has been for me to get up several hours before I have to leave the house. Often I get up around 4 am . Then I snuggle next to dd, browse MDC, watch the morning news, and just make enough light and noise that dd spontaneously and gradually wakes up.

what time does your daughter usually wake up? and what time do both of you go to bed? What is your evening routine?

sorry to be so nosy but I really think you are onto something!

 

[blessed]

She usually gets up around 5am or so. We read books and I ususally get her a cup of cut fruit, some cheese or some other snack to nibble on as we read. Then we hop in the tub together. Afterward, we get dressed and I try to keep it as playful as possible. Then we sit down with papa for a real breakfast (which he's fixed up while we're bathing

).

Some days I have to rush out of the house to be at work at 6:30 or 7:00, and papa drops her at school. About once a week or so I don't have to be in until 8:00 and then I drop her.

We all get tired pretty early and usually jump in bed by 7pm. We cosleep, so we just snuggle together and read more books and watch some kids movies (we have a bunch saved on TIVO). She drops off around 8 or a little after.

Pretty exciting life I lead, eh

? And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 

[Dragonfly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by anj119 I remember the exact same things about mornings when i was a child; hurry hurry snap crackle (nerves) can't be late getting yelled at anxiety anxiety hell. I still, as an adult have some sort of inner rebellion concerning mornings and schedules, and the memories i have of those things are terribly clear -despite being two decades past by now.

Yes! This is exactly the experience that I DON'T want ds to have - and exactly where we are headed. It's the one I had and I rebel against getting out of the house in the mornings, which is part of the reason that we end up rushing. I guess it's no surprise that he's picked up on that.

blessed, you're exactly right. I need to find ways to make mornings a special time with him rather than a crazy time that we both dread. I'm going to have to figure out how to get us up early enough to do such things, though. Unfortunately, with him, there is no such thing as a natural early-morning wake-up. His natural rhythm is stay up late/sleep in but he does need 11-12 hours of sleep or he absolutely falls apart. The ideal would be that he could sleep in later and I could walk him to school. Maybe next year's job will allow for that.

Food for thought...

 

[lula]

I noticed that your son is likely pretty close in age to my dd. (5 1/2) Is it possible that some of this is an age/development/stage thing?

Over the last 2 months my dd has been a bit more of a challenge than "normal." It doesn't seem particularly related to any activity etc but in overall she is just more intense, particularly focused on herself and her needs etc. It seems she does this when she is in a mental growth spurt of some kind.

Dressing has been a particular problem, along with; getting out the door in any sort of time-frame, schedule changes, dealing with situations that make her unhappy in any way. (for e.g. a check-out line moving slowly etc) In some ways it feels like she is regressing a bit in terms of her ability to deal with situations, emotions and overall flexibility.

Maybe it is just wishful thinking but I am hoping it is a stage...

This is not supposed to discount any advice or things to tweak etc. I just noticed some similarities in regards to change and dd has not dealt with school/work changes lately, so I am just offering it as a possibility.

 

[GiggleBirds]

Just an idea... why not make a fun game out of letting him yell out when it's 7:15, 7:25 etc, and for you guys to rush to "beat the clock"?

 

[punchy]

His very own alarm clock, or two, or three? One set for 7:00(1/2 an hour left!), one set for 7:15(15 minutes to go!) and one for 7:29 ( I. Have. One. Foot. Out. The.Door!).
Can you dedicate at least 20 minutes to him alone every morning? Maybe he's feeling left out in the mornings? How about an early morning walk routine? You'd both get some excercise to get your minds going for the day and you have time for a one on one talk (and he'd be dressed and ready to go)

Good luck!
nd

 

[dharmama]

Quote:

Can you do morning things at night before bed? As much as possible, even down to having him sleep in the clothes he will wear to school if you can.

I second the sleep in the school clothes idea. I know a 10 year old who does this because she just can't deal with getting dressed in the morning.