[fourgrtkidos]

I haven't posted in TAO in awhile. I usually stick to Midwives forum or spirituality.....

I don't even know if this belongs here.

I am just sad. My DH was gone for a business trip for 1 week and I was so excited for him to come home. But, he wasn't home for 30 minutes before he said "I wish you would cheat or something so that I would have a good excuse to leave you." I was confused and dumbfounded and when I asked for clarification he spent 20 minutes spouting off every flaw I had that he could not stand.

We got married too fast after we met. It has always been apparent that although we could have a good marriage with alot of work, we are not each others soul mate.

Everything coasts okay, and then every 6 months or so there are these breaks that remind me of reality.

Does anyone else live with a spouse or partner that they love but are not "in love with"? We have a 3.5 year old and so right now as long as there is not abuse, I think I will be staying. Although, I am always fantasizing about my life after I divorce him.

Sorry, just needed to vent and hopefully someone else has some advice or can let me know I am not alone.

Need some inspiration,
Michelle

 

[tayndrewsmama]

Oh my. I am sorry.

I have had the love, but not in love feeling about our relationship in the past, but things have changed a whole lot since then.

I hope that you can find peace in your relationship, even if means splitting up.

 

[tayndrewsmama]

BTW, have you any reason to think he may be cheating? I am sorry to even ask that, but what he said after being gone for a week sounds rather suspicious to me.

 

[fourgrtkidos]

Well. I am not sure. I should have mentioned that. Because, it was what I was thinking too.

Before he left he said he was "going to find some entertainment 'out of town'." So, it is possible. But, once he was home and I asked if he had found someone to be with out of town in round about way.......then he made some comments that insinuated that he did not because he wanted to be home. But then he started this "I hate Michelle rant".........Maybe the fight was regret over not cheating, coming out because - once he got home he realized how much he really can't stand me?

I almost wish he would. Then he might be a happier man.

 

[momto l&a]

Ahh you poor thing

Did he have a long or hard trip that would would depress him and cause him to say such things?

 

[sweetest]

I dont have any advice to offer, but I couldnt read and not offer a

:

 

[leximom]

have you guys thought about counseling?

I hate to see a marraige break up, especially when children are involved. Do what right for you though

 

[aisraeltax]

sorry to say im pretty much in the same situation right now. if you need to talk, pm me. we have a 7 month old. which is a great thing, but makes it diffiult for me to think "D" sometimes. "(
rach

 

[tayndrewsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fourgrtkidos Well. I am not sure. I should have mentioned that. Because, it was what I was thinking too. Before he left he said he was "going to find some entertainment 'out of town'." So, it is possible. But, once he was home and I asked if he had found someone to be with out of town in round about way.......then he made some comments that insinuated that he did not because he wanted to be home. But then he started this "I hate Michelle rant".........Maybe the fight was regret over not cheating, coming out because - once he got home he realized how much he really can't stand me? I almost wish he would. Then he might be a happier man.

Oh goodness. That sounds terrible. I have this huge lump in my throat now. If at all possible, you two really need to be able to find a way to discuss your feelings.

Here's a few more

Again, I am really sorry to hear this is going on.

 

[mooliette]

mama!! Without going into detail about me and my situation. I know where you are coming from. I've been trying to figure it all out for years. We've made some changes recently and things are a bit better, but he often refers to me as "friend" I'm quick on my toes and relay that he wouldn't treat his friends the way he treats me.

Marriage is hard work, we both see there is something worth saving. We're working on it together, but there are days I wish he would just leave me alone. He doesn't want to loose the boys and I don't want to share them. I am not strong enought to just up and give it all up.

I hope you find peace in your relationship, coming from a been there, doing that mama.

 

[Miajean]

I worked once for someone who always "sympathised with" hardly ever empathised. The excuse was that empathy only comes with experience of the exact situtation, sympathy is offered as a balm. I found that kinda offensive, because plenty of people can sympathise but few bother to try and empathsize, remember any situtation where you left feeling in a similar predicament and try to understand why the person has those reactions/feelings, instead of offer some balm of pity.

So, You mentioned in a sad lonely manner that as long as there is not abuse you're staying?
Do you really think that is enough to live on?
I would not live my life halfed, dreaming of a future I cannot obtain or try for.
Your chioce of phraseing is where I have focused, you ask about loving but knowing that person is not enough? Yes, and I've known plenty of people who work on it for the sake of a child, but those children knew the love bond was gone. Do you think your arguements or unhappiness is not somehow leaked into other areas?
You sound so unhappy and I feel awful to wonder how much you feel the need to leave at the door of this relationship, if there was alot of love (not the in love but just love) then there would at least be no meaness, no intentional unkindess from your spouse.
Please do not think that your happiness in life is a price tag for your childs future or for the sense of wholeness.
I'm certainly not trying to make you feel worse, but change can be cathartic and earth moving at times or as little as a breeze. Perhaps it is your unhappiness that blazed to strongly at me or perhaps the sense that you are doing this out of sacrifice, I do know how much that can hurt how hard that is to walk away from or how guilty you may feel, but is emotional lack better then being abused? I do not place either in a stature to endure. One is nelglect, and it is considered as dangerous as abuse for the ability to form irraparable problems.

 

[fourgrtkidos]

WOW. Miajean.

 

[Tummy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fourgrtkidos Does anyone else live with a spouse or partner that they love but are not "in love with"? We have a 3.5 year old and so right now as long as there is not abuse, I think I will be staying. Although, I am always fantasizing about my life after I divorce him. Michelle

Yes, and I too feel the same about the bold.

to you mama!

 

[stirringleaf]

i was you a year ago. i am now separated from my husband and he is in another relationship. my son is 4 and a half.

it was more than not being in love. our communication ended up getting abusive. he was real hard on me about housework. i am in school full time i was working part time and i run a local nonprofit orginization.

i felt just like you, that i would stay for my son. i would have continued to stay but then he had this e-mail flirting thing with his ex girlfriend, and that just did it for me. i didnt want to wait around to get cheated on. he would make the same kinds of comments your husband made to you. he would talk about how wouldnt it be cool to try an open relationship, etc.

i have to say that divorce and separation create the most awful depression, and its very very hard. but i wouldnt go back. i would rather get to the other side of this and be my own person and someday fall in real love.

i dated a friend of mine this summer and realised i was starting to fall in love with him but he just ended it with me, and i am sort of freaked out about ever meeting anyone again, but i know in time i will feel better. I am glad i got to feel those feelings again, after so many years. it really is a whole differnt thing, being in love.

i married my ex-dh very fast too. consider it very carefully if you do want to divorce. also save as much money as you can FIRST. i didnt do that and this whole summer has been a financial disaster. have at least an extra months rent and living expenses. i was suprised to find my DH spending all his money on entertainment with his GF and then bouncing a million checks and having no money to help me ( as was our agreement becasue i have DS most of the time)

if you break up, just be prepared as you can for things like that. but i think being in a loveless marriage is no good for anyone. kids included.

 

[mandib50]

oh wow

i agree with miajean. you are selling yourself waaaay too short ... when i was going through hell with my ex i kept asking myself ... is this a relationship i would want for my KIDS?

that made everything clear to me.
you deserve love and a relationship that makes you feel like you are the amazing woman that you are.

 

[cinnamonamon]

I wish I had some constructive advice.

 

[SamuraiEarthMama]

he is trying to make you leave him so he won't feel guilty. ask him if that's what he wants... it takes two people (working HARD) to make a marriage work... if they both aren't committed, then it can't be carried by one person alone.

you deserve better. if he doesn't want to give it to you, then it's up to you to open yourself up for it.

if you are thinking about staying for your kid, think about this: is this the kind of partnership you want to model for your child? is this what you want them to think is normal and right and good? if not, then don't do it!

change is scary, but i promise you this: a year after the break, you will feel better about yourself than you have in years. another mom (who had had it told to her) told me this when i was in the depths of despair over my breakup (16 years, three kids!) and i clung to it... and it was TRUE.

good luck. do what you need to, and be brave. it will all work out for the best.