[Sorin]

Hello, ladies! I'm a member of the April DDC, and I thought I'd post this here so that I can get some sage advice from all of the pregnant mamas. I'm seven weeks, and I just got a call from my mother saying that my cousin is very sick, in the hospital, and may not recover. She wants to go down to see her. We live in Chicago, and my cousin lives in Alabama. We have a very small family, so while she is a somewhat distant cousin (my grandfather's brother's daughter), we are the only family that she has (she is in her 80s). Here is the thing, I feel like it is the right thing for me to do, but the thought of going through a busy week of work, packing up, going down there, having impossibly long days, returning, then going back to work for another busy week (she wants to go from Friday to Sunday), brings me to tears.

I am EXHAUSTED! I spent the entire past two days (Friday and Saturday), sleeping, eating, and going to the bathroom (and you ladies know I'm not exaggerating). Every once in a while between rotations I managed to get a little work done, but I even had to drink a cup of tea just to get the energy to take a shower and wash my hair. I'm fortunate in that I don't have any m/s or real nausea (at least, not yet!), but the exhaustion has been really debilitating.

To throw another wrench into the situation, we haven't told anyone that I'm pregnant. We are waiting until after my first doctor's appointment, which isn't until Sept 11, and we *really* don't want to tell anyone before that time. That is an appointment that I cannot miss and don't want to reschedule, and the Friday after that I have a mandatory event at work, which leaves this weekend as the only weekend that I can go.

So what do I do? Here are my options:
1. Go and suck it up. Pretend that all is cool and that I'm not pregnant. Fight through the exhaustion and bring snacks to help curb the hunger.
2. Prematurely tell my family that I am pregnant and then go. That might have the effect of loosening up the schedule a bit, allowing me to take naps and eat more regularly.
3. Don't go and make up a reason why I can't go (which is really hard for me to do).
4. Prematurely tell my family that I am pregnant and then don't go.

I am so stressed out about this and angry for being put in this position right now. I also feel guilty and selfish for feeling this way, as my cousin is really nice and loves us very much. So any advice you can give would be great. I'm going to go lie down and cry about this some more.

 

[mumkimum]

Hmmm. . .

to your family. What a hard situation for you.

Have you thought about writing a heartfelt letter, card, or even short video instead of going yourself? Do you have any idea how understanding your cousin would be of you not coming to visit (particularly if she knew you were pregnant? It might be positive news for her, and distracting from her situation if you were to pass the news on earlier).

IF you go - I WOULD tell people you are pregnant. It would be much easier on you, it would be a nice way to share news. (We actually passed on news of our pregnancy to an ailing relative who was on hospice, she didn't want visitors at all and we heard from her daughter that the news had been appreciated).

 

[purplegirl]

Ugh, what a tough position to be in

. I think you have to strongly consider how you will feel if you don't go. If you can live with that, I'd say honor your need for simplicity at this time in your life.
I love the suggestion of a card, letter or video in lieu of a live appearance. I also second that if you decide to go, it will take the pressure off of you, to tell family members that you're pregnant.

 

[AliciaP8]

That is a tough one. I'm 6 weeks and I spent Friday napping and eating and I thinnk I managed to get 2 loads of laundry done. Today I feel like a totally different person. I shopped for groceries, baked and caught up on laundry and still have some spunk left. Maybe you'll feel more up for it next Friday? but maybe not.

I wouldn't be very good at lying about a reason but you could always say you don't feel well b/c it is the truth ad gracefully bow out without telling about the pregnancy. I can relate to not wanting to share any info.

 

[Katsmamajama]

Personally, I would take option 2, but only fill in Mom. That way, you can still have the best of both worlds, in a way-- you can still wait until Sept. 11 to tell everyone and make your big announcement (assuming your mom doesn't shout it from the rooftops in the meantime, like mine would), and you can maybe get a less stressful schedule. Maybe set up a game plan with your mom in advance, if anyone asks why you aren't going everywhere/spending long hours at the hospital/having snack breaks, then maybe have a set story of how you weren't feeling well prior to heading south.

 

[Peace+Hope]

sorin,

. this sucks.

i wanted to ask, of the four options, is there one you WANT to do? cause each one is not ideal, obviously.

i'd probably go and not tell, because i've never regretted going in a serious family situation, but i've regretted the times i haven't. i feel like in person i could make excuses more easily, and still have the boundaries i need for rest. totally not advice, just sharing...

any chance at all you can take a day or two off from work to rest on the front or back end of the trip, if you go?

 

[Bluegoat]

Well, if it were me, I think I would go, but I would tell my mom about the pregnancy, making it clear it was only for her and her spouse to know. But I don't think there is really a right or wrong answer.

 

[zinemama]

That's hard.

I think a lot depends on your mother. Is she the type to respect your wishes and keep the pregnancy in confidence? If she is, I think you should tell her, swear her to secrecy and then go. That way you will get plenty of slack and not have to go-go-go the whole time you are there.

Also, since your family is so small, it might mean a lot for your cousin to see you pregnant. If I were a dying old lady, it might be comforting to see the person who is going to make the next generation come along. And I'd be thrilled to be one of the first to know.

On the other hand, if you can't trust your mother...not sure what to tell you.

 

[chai]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sorin So what do I do? Here are my options: 1. Go and suck it up. Pretend that all is cool and that I'm not pregnant. Fight through the exhaustion and bring snacks to help curb the hunger. 2. Prematurely tell my family that I am pregnant and then go. That might have the effect of loosening up the schedule a bit, allowing me to take naps and eat more regularly. 3. Don't go and make up a reason why I can't go (which is really hard for me to do). 4. Prematurely tell my family that I am pregnant and then don't go.

I would probably do #4. Being pregnant can be much like having an illness in the first trimester! If you were very ill, they wouldn't expect you to go, would they?

#2 is probably the option to consider if you think your family will be hurt by not going. You could do that if you think it won't cause you too much stress.

 

[Doberbrat]

has m/s hit yet? I'd say I have a stomach virus or some other mystery illness and cant travel.

 

[smeisnotapirate]

#2. If you make sure that it stays in your small family, you should be ok and you can still make the general announcement after your MW appt.

 

[JustKiya]

I'd do number 2, personally. I come from a small family as well, and I know that the news that I was pregnant would definitely brighten up any of my ill elders last days - and allow me PLENTY of leeway to be newly pregnant and throughlly exhausted, and thus not interested in an exceptionally active weekend.

I missed why you don't want to tell them until the 11th - in case something happens?

 

[pjs]

Unless I was personally very close with the sick relative, I wouldn't go. Tell them you're sick/not feeling well.

 

[Quinalla]

If it were me, I would go with #2, but as others have suggested just tell your Mom and have her keep it to herself (share with her DH only if applicable). Then yes I would say you really want to go, but you need to cut the time some as you need some time at home on the weekend to rest.

And just saying you are sick is a possible excuse too if you really are set on not telling before your first appointment.

 

[Sorin]

Thank you all for your great advice. The situation has actually resolved itself! I spoke to my mother, and she said that she can not go until Sept 25th, which means that by that time, we will have told the family. For those who asked, we are waiting until after Sept 11th because that is our first appointment, and we really want to make sure that the peanut is fine, healthy, and viable. If (God forbid), there is a problem, we don't want to get worried phone calls every five minutes because that would just add to our stress. The other great thing about not leaving until the 25th is that I'll almost be out of the first trimester, so hopefully my constant exhaustion will have let up a bit.

Having this situation resolve itself is really a weight off of my mind. Thank you all for your great advice!

 

[Peace+Hope]

glad for you

 

[purplegirl]

 

[Draupadi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chai I would probably do #4. Being pregnant can be much like having an illness in the first trimester! If you were very ill, they wouldn't expect you to go, would they? #2 is probably the option to consider if you think your family will be hurt by not going. You could do that if you think it won't cause you too much stress.

ITA.
I would tell them.