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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm sad to post on this board again, but one of my good friends lost her son on Tuesday. Some of you may remember that I posted here about another friend who lost her 5 month old daughter on Christmas Day 2003 to Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Now another good friend of ours, 39 weeks pregnant, delivered an 8 pound, 22 inch still baby boy on Tuesday. Our friends and family are completely devastated for her and her husband.<br><br>
Her pregnancy had progressed fine up until Monday. She kept all of her appointments and her doctor was preparing her for a normal birth. On Monday, she became alarmed because her baby had stopped moving. (Normally, he had been quite active, and I laughed at the funny stories she had told me about the baby kicking her for eating foods that the baby didn't like.) She called the doc and they sent her in for an ultrasound. The US technician turned the monitor away from her and her husband, so they knew at that point that their baby was in trouble. Although US techs are not supposed to give any verbal indication of a problem, my friend was wise enough to know that this was not good.<br><br>
The baby was born later that day. They were surprised it was a boy, since they had been told it was a girl all along. They have few answers as to why their son passed. The cord was wrapped around the poor little guy's neck, but the doctor said that was not the reason the baby died.<br><br>
This sweet baby boy should be home with his parents, surrounded by the loving environment they had taken such great pains to provide. Now they must prepare for a funeral. I will be visiting them this weekend (they live in another state). I've offered to make food for the funeral lunch and take care of their three dogs. It's the least I can do besides pray.<br><br>
My friend's brother said something about the cord becoming unattached from the placenta and attaching to something else (another sac?). How can that happen to an otherwise healthy baby? Have any of you ladies heard of such a thing? Could something have been done to prevent this? (Not to imply that my friend could have in any way prevented this tragedy.) The doctor said that this condition occurrs in less than 2 percent of births in the US. Her brother did not tell me the name of the condition, only that it was rare.<br><br>
Sorry to sound so ignorant, but I just wanted to learn a little bit about this condition. I was thinking I could perhaps deflect a lot of those painful "What happened?" type of questions away from the mother by educating our close friends <span style="text-decoration:underline;">before</span> we visit. I want to try to shield her from any more pain unless she CHOOSES to talk about it, kwim? We are a tight group and we are all fiercely protective of each other.<br><br>
Thanks so much for reading through this long, painful post.
 

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<span style="text-decoration:underline;"><b>Ignorant??? NEVER!</b></span><br><br>
Thank you for coming here to ask questions and to help your friend in this ever so horrible time for her and her husband. I stand in HONOR of women like you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I don't have any answers to what happened to this perfact baby boy...I can do some research and talk to some of the midwives I work with.<br><br>
If I can give any suggestions to what you already have planned is hold her, hold her tight and don't let go until she begins to pull away. Cry with her, cry until she begins to wipe away the tears. Let the tears flow until she reaches for a tissue. Don't say anything except "I love you and I am sorry".<br><br>
I will send her lots of love and good vibes...<br><br>
Bless you my friend!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Jackieg213,<br><br>
Thank you so much for the kind words. I did a little internet searching on umbilical cord abnormalities and I did find some helpful information on this condition. From what I've read, it sounds like "furcate cord insertion" where the cord does not connect tothe placenta, but its branching elements do. This malformation accounts for 1% of all births and are observed in pre-mature birth, fetal stillbirth and neurological harm.<br><br>
I'm no doctor, but it sounds to me like this is just one of those "one in a million" things that can go wrong. Such a tragedy.
 

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I am sorry I don't have more information to help you or your friend. I just think it is so wonderful that you want to be there for her. I second Jackie in just let her cry or even cry with her if she needs you to. Also you might want to suggest that she try comeing here. This is a group that nobody wants to join, but the support here is wonderful and heartfelt. I will be thinking of you and your friend and sending well wishes.
 

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Grace, I second Jackie and Shannon's suggestions and also thank you for being there for your friend and caring enough to seek out the best way to help her.<br>
I started crying as soon as I read Jackie say, hold her till she pulls away let her cry until she wipes the tears. It brought back such hurtful thoughts of VERY well meaning friends who held me but would push me back to look at my face and tell me it would be ok, or repeatedly said "Shhhh" I had never really realized how much it may have helped if they had let me take the lead on pulling away or wiping tears.<br>
Also as Shannon suggested, send her here, because sadly, you may be one of the only ones in real life who "says the right thing", which really is simply, I'm sorry and I love you.<br>
Also, be sure to be there for her in the following weeks and months, often that's when it's worst. You realize the world just kept spinning even though your baby died and it feels so very unfair. Most of us are not strong enough to actually reach out at those times, no matter how many times we've been told to call if we need anything.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you and again, thankyou for being such a good friend.
 

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my dear friend lost her term baby to a velamentous insertion of the cord (where the cord is attached to the edge of the placenta... more info <a href="http://www.thefetus.net/page.php?id=167" target="_blank">here</a>).<br><br>
time... it takes a lot of time to get through something like this. you have lots of great suggestions above...<br><br>
please feel free to come back here and ask any questions you want! and you're not ignorant at all... i'm fairly well-versed in baby-related lore, and i'd never heard of this until my friend's baby died.<br><br>
bless you for being there for her...<br><br>
katje
 

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Grace~ you are such a great friend. Thank you for coming here to look for ideas and support. I agree to send your friend this way. We are a lovely bunch of women who will support her in whatever way she may need. We wish that noone would have to join us, but open our arms to all that have to find us.<br><br>
I would have to say there is not a thing you can do that will take or lessen your friends pain. There are things that you can do to let her know you love her, you grieve with her, you are there for her no matter what.<br><br>
Acknowledge her baby...call him by his name, look at pictures, listen to her stories (over and over again) about the pregnancy and his birth, remember him and his life with her and her family. Remember that she just gave birth, so not only is she grieving, she is also adjusting to all of her hormones going out of wack.<br><br>
As time goes by find out what days are difficult for her (for me it was Mondays, for several weeks, then it turned to every 7th of the month, now it is special days). Small things may trigger her tears for years to come.<br><br>
Overall just continue to be the supportive loving friend that you seem to be.
 
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