[AuntNi]

Why is my 25-month-old daughter so clingy, whiny, and seemingly unhappy with me, when she's fine with other people? I've been bothered by this for over a year, and I can't seem to find any answers.

Some background: I'm still nursing her 3x per day, and she sleeps with me. We've practiced AP her whole life. She's always been extremely separation anxious, and had severe bouts of stranger anxiety. I have a job that allows me to work full-time from home, but I have a mother's helper approximately 12 hours per week. Marlena has a fabulous time with her babysitter when I'm gone, but when I'm here, she usually clings to me and screams bloody murder when the babysitter tries to tend to her. As a matter of fact, I ran into a mother from playgroup this morning who said, "Your daughter is so different when you're not around," referring to when she saw my daughter and her babysitter at the park last week. I heard from everyone there that Marlena was the most-outgoing kid at the park that day, and had a blast.

When she's with my husband, her grandmother, or babysitter, she's the life of the party. She's happy, friendly, and outgoing, and makes friends with everyone she meets. Then when I come home, she immediately throws herself at me and becomes whiny and irritable. Also, when she's with me AND another *caretaker*, she whines, clings to me, throws tantrums, and it's just miserable. When she's by herself with me, she's a perfect angel 99% of the time (notwithstanding some normal 2-year-old behavior). We have a great time when we're alone together.

Is this normal behavior? I've asked my Parents As Teachers educator and our pediatrician, and they didn't have any answers for me. I remember my nephew was like this to a certain extent at the same age. Now that he's six, he and his mother don't get along at all well.

My gut tells me this has to do with Marlena's separation anxiety. Is there anything I can do to ease it? Is something I'm doing making her unhappy? I'm just very confused and feeling guilty, and could really use some advice.

Thanks so much!
Nichole

 

[Goldiemom]

You are Mommy and very important to her. My ds to this day still comes to me when he is sick and when he just wants the familiarity and comfort of Mom, even when my dh is right there to comfort him. As for why she is irritable when other people are around I have a theory. She might see them as competition for your attention. When you are alone she knows she has your full attention so she is good {within the boundaries that most 2 y/r are good}. When you are with other people it is MOMMY! Hold me, pay attention to me, don't pay attention to other people! I want you all to myself! So no, you haven't done anything, she is irritable because she feels her time with you is being threatened.

When you aren't around it is a non issue so she acts differently. I don't have any quick fix ideas for you, but I know that I always made sure to spend time with my ds, and acknowledge the things that he was doing when other people were around. I slowly started making him stand next to me and hold my hand for short periods of time instead of having me pick him up. Or if we were sitting, it would be please sit next to Mommy for a little while please, instead of having him sit in my lap. It took awhile, but he eventually got to the point that he wasn't clinging to me and throwing fits as much. To this day I still enjoy sitting in the recliner with him sitting next to me while he colors, looks at a book or simply sits there leaning on me. Hope that helps some. Best Wishes!

 

[sleeping queen]

You should've seen Dr. Phil yesterday. They had a similar situation , but the child was just whiny not clingy. The child wasn't like this with others just his parents. I'm not sure I agree with much of what dr. phil says, but he made an interesting observation. The child was getting positive reinforcement for his negative behaviour. The poor lady felt like he was whiny because she wasn't doing something right (I felt bad for her), but dr. phil assured her that he continured this because he was getting something positive from this behaviour not that she was lacking as a parent. You might want to rethink how you react to her whining and perhaps discourage it.