[sarahcecile]

I am facing a dilemma. Dh and and I are planning a homebirth. Before we were pregnant I had always planned to have my Mom at my birth. It seemed like she would be a comforting presence (cause she's my mommy!) and she is an RN and a lactation consultant so I thought she could also be helpful. I am in Midwifery school (with a loooong way to go) to become a CPM. So I can some day attend home births. SHE KNOWS THIS.

But - flash forward, I actually get pregnant. Suddenly the homebirth that I have been talking about for years does not seem like such a good idea to her. She comes down to visit me here in GA for my birthday as a surprise (she lives in NY) and lays into me about how dangerous this is, and why don't I just have the baby at the hospital. I got the unpleasant impression that she felt as though she had some ownership of this baby. I made it clear to her that these were not the things I needed to hear, that I needed her support, and if she could not say positive things about the decision we've made to birth at home with a CPM, she should be quiet about it.

So I have realized that she will not be an asset at our birth, that she might undermine my confidence in myself and my confidence in my midwife, and that she will really just be a hindrance. We've decided we want intimacy - and have decided no one but our doula and our midwives can be there.

But I haven't told my Mom yet. Yes, we have about 6 months till this baby comes, but I feel like I should tell her soon, so she doesn't plan on being here.

But I know how important this is to her. She mentioned the other day that she wanted to give the baby his or her first bath - and I just hemmed and hawwed. I was sort of upset that she even asked - the first bath! that is special and DH and I want to do it ourselves, why would she want to steal that from us?

So - after this novel sized post - my question is, how do I let her down gently without offending her? Ideas?

Need your help mammas!

- Sarah

 

[BensMom]

That's tough. I don't think there is an easy way to do this. She seems to be making a lot of assumptions (first bath!) and I doubt she will take the news that you do not want her there well.

The only thing I can think is to be honest with her. She does not have trust and faith in your decisions, she will be a negative force at the birth, so you are keeping it small and intimate. She is welcome to come down after the baby is born (a few days at least!) and spend time with you after its all said and done.

That said, at least she is far enough away that she cannot just show up anyway. You just don't have to tell her when you are in labor and can just call when the baby is born.

My MIL and SIL live close enough to pop in if DH tells them when I am in labor. So I will threaten him with divorce if he considers it!

 

[3for3hb]

Ooooooo.... I had to go through a similar situation with my first pg.

I don't know what to tell you other than that it probably won't go over well no matter how you go about it. Just stick to your guns... if your intuition is telling you that it's not a good idea for her to be there, follow it!

I ended up delivering (2/12) almost a month past my original due date (1/16)(which was really based on 36 weeks). I just avoided telling my mom I didn't want her to come down (from PA to SC) until it was inevitable. Around Christmastime she really started to lay hard into the "you need to let me know when you want me to come down etc" I kept telling her that I wasn't going to tell her anything, and eventually it turned into that she was stressing me out too much, that I didn't want her hanging around for weeks just waiting for the baby and then that eventually turned into me saying that since this was my first pg and birth, dh and I really needed the time to ourselves. That we needed to let this birth happen however it was going to and that we wanted the first few days to ourselves, alone. And that's really how it should be.

Good Luck. Just do what your heart tells you.

 

[*Amy*]

I agree with the PPs - be honest and firm. And like they said, if all else fails, wait til after the baby is born to tell her.

I totally understand about the feeling that someone else thinks they have ownership of the baby, and it kind of baffles me given the fact that our mothers and MILs had kids too. Don't they remember what it felt like to need and want time alone with baby & DH, to bond as a family?

 

[MamaFern]

it isnt easy telling some one something like that but you need to do hwta feels right. this is the birth of your child and you need 100% (or as close to it) support and love there and nothing else.

my mom was at my sons birth and was amazing but this time around i really want to do a smaller gathering of people attending. elwynn birth there were aboout 12 of us.. 10 saw him being born. it felt intense and i want it to be different this time around.. so i too will have to tell my momma and probably auntie that i dont want them at the birth....

mothers/grandmothers have a strong connection with their grandchildren, at least in my opinion and i know ive had to bit my tongue a few times with my mom..

i think if you feel good about her coming to see you after the birth or being around but not actually at the birth and she wants to "give the first bath" and you feel okay with that.. ( i wouldnt have because i didnt give my son a bath for a week and then when i did i got in the tub with him.. and he didnt bathe on his own till he was like 6 months old...) then you should involve her as much as you can.. but you should say what you need to say and i think the sooner you do it the better because then she will have time to heal if it hurts her a lot. i dont really think it should though.. a womans space when she is birthing is sacred and she shouldnt have to fight for that space.

 

[flyingspaghettimama]

Ooh. That's tough. I imagine you felt your space somewhat violated even by her "surprise birthday visit" which was really aimed at changing your mind. Frequently, grandparents have Big Plans for the grandchild, and it's better to set them straight earlier rather than later. Because after this, it's the cosleeping, the extended breastfeeding, toys, the school you pick, etc etc etc. They want to feed the baby, give it a bottle, change the diaper - sometimes I really got the feeling that my mother wanted more to play "house" with my baby than to see me. It was very annoying. They have LOTS of opinions unless you stop them early on.

I would not have anyone at my birth who I felt would make me nervous, defensive, or worried; and I'd only want people who were very supportive. You can always explain your feelings and give her a choice, if you think she would be honest - This is what I'm going to do - if you are supportive of my choice and read as much as you can, you're invited. If you cannot respect my boundaries (no baths/no negative talk/no attempts to take over from the midwife) then I think it's better that you wait to visit until I specifically call you and say so.

 

[gonnabeamom]

I really feel for you, because it sounds like you have on some level had a good relationship with your Mom. It's easier to be harsh with people who are always totally out of line, than with people you care about who are out of line.

I agree with the posters who said, do it sooner, so if it causes problems she's got time to deal with them.

I also think you need to get some quiet time by yourself to feel really solid about this decision. You have to do what is right for you and your child, and accept that her feelings may be hurt. Doubtless you will make some concessions over your lifetime, so your mother and your child can have a relationship, but it seems like a really bad pattern to start with the big things. Once you have some sense in yourself that this is the right thing to do, you will be more able to tell her gently and firmly.

In terms of how to do it, it depends on what you want. If you are just sure you need the privacy, even if she were supportive. I would consider saying that you have decided that it's best for you to have only a few people at the birth because you need to be able to focus on what you have to do. If you are going to have other friends or family there, or you feel you need to have it out with her, then I think you need to tell her in an equally calm centered way "I need to have people around me for the birth that are comfortable with the situation so I can do what I need to do. I know that you care about me and the baby, and I can't ask you to not worry so I'd like you to come after the baby is born." The more firmly an unapologetically you state this, the less room there is for her to change your mind. It probably wouldn't hurt to practice the phrase "I am sorry you feel that way, but I need to do what is right for me and the baby"

 

[AngelBee]

I would give it some time. I think she is paniced about the well being of you.....her baby!

I am sure in time she will relax and be a great asset to you during your homebirth.

 

[Itlbokay]

I think most of us have these feelings in the best of circumstances, especially with the birth of our first.

I would respectfully tell her exactly how you feel.

All of those reasons you gave in your post....convey them to her.

I don't know what your mom's personality is, but if being at the birth is REALLY important to her I'll bet she'll come around.

Good Luck

 

[DreamsInDigital]

"I am sorry you feel that way, but I need to do what is right for me and the baby"

Precisely.

 

[samsmamma]

I'm sorry. That is tough.

I didn't want my mom to be at Sam's birth - I wanted MIL there, though, and just when I was about to start dealing with it, I unexpectedly went into labor a month early - and my doula was on vacation in Hawaii - mom filled in, and did great. of course, she began driving me crazy by showing up to the hospital the first thing the next AM, before we were even awake...

I agree, that you need to be honest and firm. If you let her know what upset you, hopefully she will understand it and know that you are not trying to cut her out of the life of her grandchild, but that you also need to do what is best for you to bring the baby into the world.

Good luck, and hugs to you.

 

[Kavita]

I would in NO WAY let your mom come to the birth! If she feels that way about HB now, she's going to be a big liability when you're actually in labor. Moms that are RN's tend to sometimes be more medically minded than they sometimes seem, and you have to remember that their whole frame of reference is the hospital and medical management. You just don't need that fear and negativity there, or a medically minded person undermining or second guessing your attendants or you.

In terms of dealing with it, I wouldn't even discuss that with her though. She will feel like you are blaming or punishing her, and even if she tones down and seems to accept your plans, you know her attitude, and that will probably not change in the next 6 months. That fear and sense of danger will still be there and can still affect you even if she doesn't express it out loud.

If it seems like she is going to be domineering with your baby too in the first days and trying to "take over" (as hinted by the bath situation) then maybe you want to wait a bit until she comes, so you can have a chance to be the mom and get to know your baby a little bit and feel more confident in your decisions/abilities. I don't even think you should have to tell her that she's not invited to the birth--it's not like everyone is required to have their mother there! I would just be very calm and casual about it, and tell her that you and DH have been discussing your plans for the postpartum period and that you'd really like it if she could come down to visit and help you the week after the baby is born (or three days or two weeks or whatever you choose) because that is when you think that you will really need her help the most. She may be somewhat suprised and hurt, but hopefully she will take the hint and be gracious about it. If not and she pushes the issue and says she wants to be at the birth or some such thing, just tell her that you've decided that you just want it to be yourself and DH and your care providers.

And eventually (probably in a separate conversation later on) make it clear that her presence there when she comes will be to meet her grandchild of course, but also to take care of you and support you while you take care of the baby. Nobody who is there after the birth of a baby should be a houseguest who is there to hold or care for or play with the baby all the time--it is just too disruptive of the mother/baby bond and doesn't help the mother. Someone else "helping" by doing all the baby care just basically undermines the mother, especially with the first baby.

Remember, she had her chance to be the mom, now YOU'RE the mom and you get to make the decisions!! If she questions any of your decisions, tell her, "Because I'm the mom, that's why." Or, "Because I said so." :LOL

 

[TexasSuz]

Well, I guess I see the whole mother/daughter thing differently since my mom was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I cherish every moment with my mom and try to honor her for how she raised me. I give her every moment I can with our children and I love seeing her with them.

I feel that you are going to hurt your mother very badly by telling her she can't come. Instead you should just lay down the rules for her coming and talk openly and honetly about your fears and your feelings (like the 1st bath thing). Maybe you could find a way to include her in some 1st thing. I cherish the memories of my mother walking ds around the house when he was 3 days old and fussy, her helping me bathe him, her cutting his finger nails, etc. You will soon learn that your baby belongs to your entire family and will have a special relationship with each person. It does take time for everyone to find and feel comfortable with their new roles though.

Include your mother and it will strengthen your bond with her. Live as if the ones you love are dying...it changes everything!

 

[Kavita]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexasSuz I feel that you are going to hurt your mother very badly by telling her she can't come. Instead you should just lay down the rules for her coming and talk openly and honetly about your fears and your feelings (like the 1st bath thing). Maybe you could find a way to include her in some 1st thing.

TexasSuz, I'm sorry to hear about your mother, and glad that you are getting to spend such wonderful times with her. I agree with you here that it's important to honor our mothers, and include them in their grandchildren's lives. I myself live far away from both my mom and my MIL, and I try to keep them included and involved as much as possible, starting now with my pregnancy. (We recorded the first HB as a digital file and played it for the moms!) However, I think that this doesn't mean that we can't have boundaries with our mothers, or keep some things private and personal. I know that for me I wouldn't want my own mother present while my baby was coming out, any more than I would have wanted her there while the baby was getting in!! I love my mother and I have a pretty good relationship with her, but I don't think that she would be a good support for me while I was in labor, particularly at home. I am lucky, because my mom understands this and respects this, especially because she didn't want her OWN mother (whom she adored and was close with and took care of till the day she died) there when she was giving birth to me or my sister! She didn't cut grandma out of our lives, she just didn't want her there in the room while she was birthing.

Just because birthing women now have the OPTION of including other people in their birth experience, does not mean that they are obligated to do so solely in order to avoid hurting that person's feelings, or that any friend of family member should assume that they are or should be welcome at someone else's birth. I think THAT would be incredibly presumptious, and displays a lack of appropriate boundaries and respect.

Also, the major point in this is that the mom in this case doesn't feel safe with the birthing environment her daughter has chosen. Even if she had expressed this in a more tactful manner, the point is that she is going to bring a lot of fear and a sense of danger with her to the birth, which has the potential to really interfere with the normal, natural, peaceful homebirth that the OP is striving for. It's kind of an accepted thing amongst home birthers that anyone who doesn't feel that home birth is safe or doesn't approve of the choice to birth at home should not be present at the birth. Not to disrespect or punish or disinclude them, but simply to prevent their own fear or anxiety from interfering with the labor process of the birthing mom, who is in a very vulnerable and sensitive place. Rats will stop laboring if you place them in stressful situations, and people will too! It's not a matter of setting rules or guidelines for conduct during the birth--it's a matter of how that person's anxiety and fear will infect and inhibit the laboring woman, and sometimes screw up or shut down the labor process itself.

In short, I still think that the OP has every right to say no to having someone present at the birth that she doesn't feel comfortable with having there, regardless of who that person is. Respecting and honoring someone else's feelings and wishes is important, but we also have to honor our own feelings and wishes, especially in such a profound and personal matter as birth.

 

[3for3hb]

So, sarahcecile, any progress with this situation??? Keep us posted.

 

[sarahcecile]

Willemsmamma I can't say that anything has happened yet - I am just eating up all this great feedback! I want to cut and paste what all of you are saying and email it to my Mom.

Kavita You summed it up beautifully - I love my Mom and we are close despite a thousand mile geographic distance, but I need to look out for myself here. I have to give birth to this baby. I unfortunately do not feel that she will actually come around to being really ok with our choice - until maybe after the baby has safely arrived. And I can see her pretending to be ok with it if I gave her some sort of ultimatum - just so I would agree to have her there.

I guess I need to call her and have this conversation, but I want DH on the other line so I don't feel alone in it!

Sigh... I don't want to hurt her, I really don't. And I thank all of you so much for your great suggestions. I am glad that most everyone agreed with my decision! It made me feel like less of a monster.

- Sarah

 

[Emilie]

I strongly feel that you should do what feels right to you. I strongly feel this way.
When I was first pg I did wanted my mom in the room because she has never had a vaginal birth- she adopted me and then c-sec with my bro.
Then I decided that it would just be me and dh-
My mom did not want to be in the room- that idea was foreign to her.
When they were there during my hospital labor- before I had pain meds.
My mother says.
Maybe you will be like me in labor for 24 hours and then have a c-section.
Yes mother- that would be lovely thank you.
She never says the right thing. RARELY.
Looking back...
I have never felt so close to dh in my life. I will never feel that close to him again.
I look forward to the few times dh and I can experience this kind of intamacy- during my births- and now my homebirths... which has to be even more interesting!
Having an outsider- even a mother- I think would diminish that.
Espeically one who does not care about your wants and needs. It sounds like she is assuming she can do these things that it is her baby. It is NOT her baby- she got to do it once- YOUR TURN!
Do not give in on how you feel- or you will resent her BIG TIME.
It may be a little at first- but it will grow.
I would say
DH and I decided that we just want it to be us during the birth. Do not even go into the reasons about her not being supportive. Because that is what it boils down to.
Tell her her help will be much more appreciated after the birth- doing the cooking, cleaning and maybe some dipes! My mom did a ton of dipes...
I loved having her there post partum for the most part
I had the best babymoon! Ds would get up and nurse then she would take him for an hour and rock him and then I would get up. It was a wonderful thing for my mom and I's relationship. I am sad she will not beable to spend a month this time!!! She is a teacher and will be in schooL!
Anyhoo- stay strong mama- this is your birth experience- one of a very few you will have in your life- make it your way.
Emilie

 

[MrsMoe]

I also feel you should do what is best for YOU - that if there is a risk to her being there, that she shouldn't be. I do feel for you, it would be a difficult but neccessary choice. When you tell her why, I would let her know straight up as to why you have opted for her NOT to be there.

 

[Emilie]

I worry if you say- you are not supportive or whatever- she will say yes I am- I will be- then not really be- ykwim?
That would be my worry.
Emilie

 

[captain optimism]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahcecile I guess I need to call her and have this conversation, but I want DH on the other line so I don't feel alone in it! Sigh... I don't want to hurt her, I really don't. And I thank all of you so much for your great suggestions. I am glad that most everyone agreed with my decision! It made me feel like less of a monster.

I guess I was lucky, because I knew from before TTC that I would NEVER want my mom at my birth. The fact that she thought I should want here there (in the waiting room at the hospital, okay, but stlll there) is just a measure of how unrealistic she is about our relationship.

What I told her was, "I'm a big girl, I conceived this baby without your help, I don't need you to hold my hand to give birth." This was surprisingly effective. If only I had realized how incredibly stressful her presence was going to be even three days post-partum! Ah well.

But you have a good and close relationship with your mom and thought you might want her to come to the birth, so this is more complicated. If I were in your shoes (ah, if only) I would say "You know, I really thought that I would want you there at the birth, but now I'm feeling like it might be weird and embarassing. I need the chance to establish myself as the mommy without my mommy coming to do things for me. My feelings have changed a lot now that I'm actually pregnant. I know this must be disappointing. I don't think it reflects badly on our relationship, do you?" and then listen to her feelings. But don't back down.