Mothering Forum banner

1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My 6.5 yr old dss is with us every other weekend, and he still wets his bed almost every night. He does this at BM's house, too. He's a great kid, very sweet and generally easy to have around, and so I'm very ashamed of myself that I'm so annoyed by the bedwetting. I think I'm more annoyed with dh than dss, because it's always me who cleans up the bed and the wet clothes. Every time it happens, I have to tell dh that dss wet the bed again, because dh is ditzy about this kind of thing and just doesn't pay attention. If I don't bug dh to get his son to change clothes, dss will sit around for hours in wet pajamas.<br><br>
I have a couple of questions that maybe some mamas can help me with.<br><br>
First, given the fact that dss is not with us very often, is there any point in trying to help the bedwetting situation? (What we do now is limit drinks in the hours before bed, make sure he pees right before bed, and most of all, NOT make him feel bad in any way about the bedwetting.) Or should we just keep doing what we're doing and eventually he'll outgrow it?<br><br>
Second, am I being unreasonable by being frustrated that dss, at his age, will sit around for hours in wet PJs (he and ds1 get up before we do, which is why he will sit around for hours sometimes)? We've instructed him before that if he wakes up wet in the morning, to take off his PJs and put on clean pants or shorts. He doesn't have to say anything to anyone about it, just to change when he realizes that he's wet. Occasionally he'll do it but most of the time he doesn't.<br><br>
Third, what should I do about dh's lack of attention? I'm overwhelmed with the responsibilities of a new baby plus I do the lion's share of the housework, so I get very upset when I am constantly having to take care of pee pee bed for dss on top of everything else, and dh just ignores it. I'm getting very resentful. I've tried talking to dh about it and he says that he'll take care of the bed but he never does, and I just do not want to turn into a nag.<br><br>
Thanks for listening and I'm glad to have found this part of MDC. I've been lurking for awhile, and believe me, it's been such a relief to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with a blended family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,902 Posts
I'd offer a pullup and make it a nonissue -- he'll eventually outgrow it. For my son, it was very sudden that he stopped and nothing helped, not limiting fluids (which I'm loathe to do in this hot, dry climate, but I tried), not peeing before bed, not waking him up (he'd just be wet and hour later).<br><br>
This can be hereditary -- my mom told me her brother and one of my brothers had difficulty too.<br><br>
I'm sorry you're so frustrated and that your dh is not stepping up. It sounds like you're being a very understanding mom toward your dss and that's wonderful!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,567 Posts
Get him some pull ups and don't worry about it.<br><br>
Peeing the bed at night does run in our family. My ex and his brother both wet the bed until they were teens as did a couple of my cousins. So while my first husband is very understanding of it, it is one of the things dh has a hard time being patient about. Did dh wet the bed for a long time, is he still working on his own memories of peeing the bed? That might add to his "ignoring" of it now.<br><br>
Some of the things you can do are focus on getting up when you have to pee, not on staying dry all night. This is probably someone who will always wake up to pee. As far as acting out laying in bed asleep and feeling like you have to pee and then getting out of bed to go to the bathroom.<br><br>
It isn't unreasonable to expect him to change sheets (although I let them just dry the first time and then wash the second time they get peed on) and clothes, but my boys will also sit around in wet pull ups forever<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: They really are still so distractable at this age (my boys are 6 and 7) Getting him a hamper and trashcan for his room might help.<br><br>
This sounds like it is as much about you feeling overwhelmed with all of the kids and in general and maybe a talk with dh about what is wrong and how he could really help you is past due.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
635 Posts
Lisa,<br>
I totally understand what you are going through. And I know other mamas will have a different opinion than I do. I do have to admit I am not as sensitive as I could be on this issue. With one of my sd's she would have 'accidents' when things were in upheaval at bm's house. I didn't necessarily limit drinks, but completely took away juice and limited milk. Only water! We also made sure she peed before bed and I'd wake her up before we went to bed to pee. This was hit and miss working and the most frusterated part for me was that she didn't have to be asleep for this to happen. I did explain to her that she couldn't sit in feces or urine because it's bad for her vagina and she'd get an infection. Yes she also would have b movements in her pants and not say anything. I think our issues were much bigger than yours.<br>
Things have been good (fingers crossed) for a while now but I'm anticipating trouble again when the new baby comes. But we will have to deal with that when it happens.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
We used pullups for quite awhile but then dss told his bm that he couldn't stop wetting the bed there because he wore diapers at our house. So I figured we'd better try to keep things as consistent with bm as possible, so we ditched the pullups.<br><br>
Jolene, actually, my situation is similar to yours. I didn't go into the poopy problem in my original post, but we've had a problem with poop and pee in the pants during the day, too. He'd sit in poopy pants and ds1 or we would smell it and by then it was a big mess. That really tested my patience big time, although I did refuse to clean it up. That was dh's job, like it or not. I know that this is a sign of bigger problems. Bm has a horrible temper and things over there are often chaotic, when she's home, that is. Usually he's left with other people. This is a big reason why I try to have as much compassion and patience as I can. We haven't had poopy pants for a few months, even with the arrival of the baby, so things seem to be getting better, although I think we're going to be dealing with a wet bed for awhile.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
656 Posts
First of all, please don't take your frustration with your dh out on your dss. You are upset with your dh because he's not tending to his ds. I get this - just don't let dss feel the tension surrounding the wet bed. He can't help it. The last thing he needs to sense is tension.<br><br>
Connect with your dh - strategize to do what's best for your dss.<br><br>
My ds still has issues with bedwetting. We layer his bed - mattress cover and fitted sheet then another mattress cover and fitted sheet - that way when he wets, he can pull it off, change clothes and go back to bed. Or if he comes to get me, I can change the bed really quickly.<br><br>
Sometimes it helps if I take ds to potty before I go to bed.<br><br>
Embarrassment is probably keeping him from changing out of his jammies. Why don't you make a new rule that everyone gets dresse before they come out for breakfast. This may require everyone getting up at the same time to get the new behavior going.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
210 Posts
Wow, my dss and dsd both had these issues. In fact they still do occassionally and they are 13 and 11 years old now. It is heredity in their case, although I think that it is also linked to stress in their lives dealing with BM and DH relationship (very messy).<br><br>
Anyway, I would talk to your DH or maybe even write him a letter. When I first learned of the problem I noticed that my DH was a little defensive, event though he didn't act like it. I would be the one to always discover it (they tried to hide it alot) and I would be the one to always bring the issue to the open...making me the "bad guy". What I did was just start casually asking DH..."Did so and so wet the bed?" or "I think so and so had an accident she smells like pee." I'd say this to him in private and then just leave it alone. Eventually he'd go investigate and take care of the situation. I found that by doing it this way, I was under so much less stress and my DH was being empowered to be the father and take care of his responsibility as their father.<br><br>
It is hard as a mom to not "help" but as the step mom, I feel like it is DH job to do the cleaning or at least help with bed wetting issues. It is a very embarrassing issue, even at the age of 6 and even if they don't act like it.<br><br>
Hope that things work out for you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,639 Posts
I would definitely talk to your dh (again). It is not fair for him to expect you to clean up after dss all of the time, since I get the feeling from your post that you deal with the majority of the wet pants from the baby. He really needs to step up and be a parent.<br><br>
I wonder if the reason that dss doesn't change his clothes/bedding is because he feels bad and doesn't want to admit it? Maybe BM shames him for it? Poor kid.<br><br>
I agree with the pps and try pullups.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,062 Posts
Bedwetting runs in my family, too. I wet the bed (even had occassional "accidents" during my preteen years) and my ds did it too. Nothing stopped it from happening and my mom simply stopped letting me drink liquids an hour before bedtime and woke me up before she went to bed to take me to the bathroom (Oh how I hated to be woken up!). I did the same for my son.<br><br>
The method wasn't perfect but it helped. She still did a lot of laundry, though. Consider using a plastic sheet under a nice thick bedpad to protect the mattress. Don't blame or shame the child for this behavior. It is most likely something that he cannot control and it is highly embarrassing even when it isn't made into an issue.<br><br>
I'm not a fan of pullups for older kids as a response to wetting the bed during sleep. It makes them feel infantile and punished for something they cannot control, but that's just me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
We used pullups until he was 5 1/2, but I'll be honest... it just bugged me to see an older kid in diapers. I'd feel the same way if he was my biokid. Even though it's more work, I'd rather wash the sheets more often. Plus he used the pullups as an excuse with BM as to why he couldn't stop wetting (I'm sure she was yelling at him about it, so the poor kid had to come up with some excuse.) BM won't use pullups anymore either, so I wanted to keep things consistent.<br><br>
Yes, pinksprklybarefoot, you're right. But how do you convice someone of the need to parent their own child? DH is a much better parent to my son, his skid, than he is to his own son. I'm always on DH's case because we hardly have his son at all (24 hours every two weeks) and yet DH doesn't pay a whole lot of attention to him when he's there. I can't figure it out. I think our problem (DH's problem) extends beyond the issue of bedwetting, but I just don't know what else to do about it. I can't make him be interested in his kid if he isn't. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,219 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> before you go making judgements about your son from another mother, please do a bunch of reading.<br><a href="http://www.aacap.org/page.ww?name=Bedwetting&section=Facts+for+Families" target="_blank">http://www.aacap.org/page.ww?name=Be...s+for+Families</a><br><br>
^^^this is a decent place to start.<br><br>
My son is 10.5 now, and still has bladder control problems at night. He is a happy, soccer playing, wake boarding, rock climbing, bi-lingual boy. He does live with the blended family life, but he seems to flow between the two houses fairly easily. He has add issues, and had occasional bladder issues during the day until he was 7. We make no deal out of the wet stuff. NOR do we make a deal out of the dry times. It is all normal.<br><br>
Stuff to make your life easier... Fleece is your friend. Protect your mattress, but go get yourself a bunch of fleece. 1.5- 2 yards is a twin sized blanket. I put one down as a sheet.. (even sewed elastic into three of them, use 2.25 yards) and one or two as a top sheet and blanket. Have a stack of them in his room, or in his closet. ( I have five days worth, just in case I do not get laundry done in time... hey it happens. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ) Fleece washes and drys in nothing flat. It took 15 minutes for a full load to dry out on my line this morning. HUG him. PM me and I will send you loads of pictures of my absolutely normal, healthy boy that you can show your son.<br><br><br>
BTW... fleece should be on sale now, end of season.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,567 Posts
If it was only my middle child I might skip the pull ups, I think he is the average couple to a few times a week, only once a night, bed wetter.<br><br>
But my oldest pees the bed multiple times a night every night of his life. He pees so much his pull ups leak a couple to a few times a week. For 5 days worth of sheets I would have to have at least 15 sets of sheets and he sleeps in a full sized bed with his brother and all of our sleep is much more important then dealing with that several times a night.<br><br>
They are also both much worse with all kinds of accidents when their life is crazy. We rarely have to deal with visitation (thier father is not interested), but when there are stressors in our life accidents always happen. Of course it is my middle child, who has the most daytime accidents if he is stressed out.<br><br>
I know they will out grow this some day, and while I don't know if I think my ex is an example of a bed wetting 13 year old who turned out fine<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> , I do think his brother and my cousins are great<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,208 Posts
We have this at our house, too. My SS will be 10 next month and he still wets the bed pretty much every night. He wears pull-ups. It just makes life easier. He would do the thing where he would just wear it and pee in it when he got up in the morning until I barked at him to get dressed. I finally convinced DH that he had to create a consequence to not changing into underwear first thing in the morning, and that did the trick right away. I'm 100% sympathetic to the fact that SS cannot help peeing while he sleeps; but not changing out of a soggy diaper in the morning is just not excusable. DH had to give him the consequence (no TV, computer, video games on any day when the pull-up is not removed w/in 10 minutes of getting out of bed) exactly twice and it's never happened again.<br><br>
Honestly, I think it's purely uncontrollable. My DH and SS's BM both wet the bed until early adolescence - DH outgrew it around 10, BM stopped around 14. DH's dad screamed, hollered, and punished. BM's parents felt sorry for her and coddled and fussed over her. We have taken an approach that makes it as much of a non-issue as possible. Three completely different approaches, yet they all wet the bed late into childhood. My other kids were dry at night w/in 3 months of being dry during the day, naturally, with no intervention or assistance from me. So I think it's just a thing that happens.<br><br>
The biggest suggestion I would make, is drop this problem back in your DH's lap. Find a way to put the onus on him. It's very, very rarely fair to ask a step-parent to take on parental, disciplinary roles. It doesn't work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,796 Posts
My DD has a small bladder capacity. She's now almost 10 and wets during the day and at night. For the longest time doctors tried to convince me that it was a behavior issue (the only thing she had control over, etc) but FINALLY, after 3 years of going to the urologist, they realized it's a small bladder capacity. She is now taking Detrol and it's slowly helping.<br><br>
In regards to the pooping thing, sometimes major changes in eating habits (like the different food at mom's than at dad's) can cause diarrhea, or it very well could all be a behavioral issue. It's a hard issue to figure out.<br><br>
I say all of this because, while it *could* be a behavioral issue (that your DH needs to deal with, not you) it could also be a physical issue (that your DH and DsS's mother need to talk about and deal with.)
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Top