[FreeBird]

I have been lurking here for a while and have gleaned some helpful advice from you Mamas. I am hoping that you all can give me some much needed advice. My stbx has serious control issues. We have been separated since the end of last summer, we were married 10 years. I left him and took our 3 children with me. Long story short, he was in a deep depression, abused pain meds, and his drinking sure didn't make things any better. I tried counseling numerous times, but he would quit going when he couldn't sway them to his way of thinking. He's even gotten up and walked out in the middle of a session. He is basically unstable, but insists that he is all better now. He has tried to alienate my oldest DS from me and was making a success of that, but I have DS in counseling and things are improving everyday. He has called child protective services on me and even though they found nothing I still resent the fact that I have a "file" somewhere that I do not deserve. He gets me on the phone all the time and makes threats about taking the kids from me and even though I know there should be a snowballs chance that will happen, I still worry. I should also say that at our emergency custody hearing (he had oldest DS and wouldn't bring him back) I asked for supervised visitation and didn't get it because he lives with his mom. He got overnights Weds and every other weekend. I was devestated because he got DD, too and she was only 9 months, we were breastfeeding, and the first time I had left her was to go to the darn hearing. I am allowed to get her for 4 hours on his Sat, but thankfully he has not kept her an entire weekend yet. Anyhoo, I really need some advice on how to deal with him and his verbal attacks. On Thurs, when I pick DD up my DS are not home from school yet, so this is when he usually pulls this crap. We meet at a grocery store parking lot, but even that doesn't help, because last week he wouldn't let go of my car door so I could shut it and leave. My Mom tells me not to talk to him, but that is near impossible. Have any of you dealt with something like this before? Please give me some advice. TIA!<br><br>
Toodles,<br>
Michelle

 

[the sunshine]

First of all, make sure your lawyer is aware of this. She may have some suggestions for you. is there anyone who can go with you when you pick up the baby? Can his mom drop the baby off instead of him?<br>
Do you have caller ID? Don't answer the phone unless you know it's not him. If you don't have caller ID just don't answer, let the machine pick it up and let everyone else know that you will call right back if you are there.<br>
What helped me the most, although not 100%, was to keep repeating to myself "Do not engage"!! If you don't respond to him in the way he is expecting, he will be at a bit of a loss. (If you think that will cause him to go off and go crazy on you, don't do it)<br>
You are not obligated to be nice to him. You wouldn't let anyone else treat you that way, right? (I think half of all men threaten to take the kids from you in a divorce, it's pretty much an empty threat)<br>
So, talk to your lawyer, maybe even call the domestic abuse hotline to ask for suggestions, and above all--STAY SAFE!

 

[mammastar]

Is a restraining order an option?<br><br>
I think you're on the right track with meeting somewhere public for transferring the kids, but maybe not a parking lot. What about inside a cafe, whether it's Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Less artificial, since it is actually a place where people meet. Also more people directly around you, to encourage civil behaviour.<br><br>
Can you have a friend or relative come with you whenever you need to encounter him? That might increase your sense of safety or put him on good behaviour. If not, at least it helps with documentation.<br><br>
If you need to get information to him about the kids, put it in writing instead of calling him or trying to have a conversation when picking up or dropping off the kids. That will help with not engaging. If he tries to have a conversation with you, ask him to put it in writing - unless it looks like you saying that will spark an outburst, then just nod and do your response in writing.<br><br>
Document everything!!!<br><br>
I think the sunshine also had good pointers.<br><br>
I hope that your son's counselling with help him deal with this - it sounds very hard on you and the children.

 

[FreeBird]

I am totally in love with the in writing concept. He will more than likely freak, but I am so darn tired of tippy-toey around with him.<br><br>
Um, Sunshine are you my Mom in disguise? He-he, she has been telling me not to be so nice, because he certainly isn't. My major problem is that he usually does things in front of the kids. DD is too young to know anything, but my DS aren't. I really don't want them to witness me acting like him, KWIM, so I am nicer that he deserves.<br><br>
It's written in our papers about the meeting place, but I hope to get it changed when we finalize. The Wednesday drop-off/Thursday pick-up is my biggest problem, because there is no one that can be with me. The weekend ones I almost always have my Mom with me.<br><br>
We live in a small community and there really are only 2 grocery stores and a few fast food joints. My sis just told me that the other grocery store has cameras in the parking lot! Ugh, wish I had known that. I hope the get the meeting place switched to that grocery store or the Sheriff's office.<br><br>
Thanks for the advice!

 

[mammastar]

I wouldn't say to be 'not nice', since as you say your kids are there and there's no benefit to them seeing you stoop to his level. What I would say is to think of it as a business relationship and be 'business-like' with him. That means you're not rude (because being rude in a business relationship is counter-productive), but you can be firm and brief and not get drawn into personal stuff (just freeze it out) or take your eyes off the prize of raising healthy happy children. Heck, if it makes you feel more the part to wear a suit to pick up your daughter, do that! And the 'in writing' idea is part of the business relationship concept too.<br><br>
I hope you're able to get the transfer spot changed. Too bad there's such slim pickings in your town. What about a library, is there one of those around you could use?? There's major pressure to behave during a transfer when you're standing in front of the librarian's desk in a hushed reference section <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
Good luck!

 

[the sunshine]

It occurred to me last night to ask if there is a police station in your town? Could you do the transfer there?<br><br><br>
I may not be your mom, but I've been dealing with a total total asshole just like you, so the voice of experience.

 

[brusselsprout]

My cousin goes to a place that is run by the cps or foster system in our area (or something like that). She goes into the room, drops the kids off with a social worker and when she is out of the room then he can go in and pick up the kids. I think they have two seperate parking lots too so that they don't meet there on accident. It keeps them from having to come in contact at all. It might be something to look into. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">