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Hi all. I have a question about how to tell DP's exwife that I am expecting.<br><br>
OK, so that's situation in a really big nutshell. Anyone have any words of wisdom for this situation? Really, I wish we could all get along, or at least be mature and civil adults with it all, but I am not sure if she is ready for that.<br><br>
TIA.
 

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Well, since you and DP have hardly any contact with ExW due to location, I don't really even see why it's any of her business you are expecting? If you have a plan in place where you saw DD on a regular basis and the new baby would have more of an impact, I would suggest that your DP tell the ex that you two were expecting and for her to be prepared for any questions/concerns that DD would have (outside of talking with you guys about it).<br><br>
But, since your DP is out of the country and you don't really have any contact with the ex and DD, I would just let it be and let DP handle it IF the topic comes up. Otherwise, it's really none of her business, YK?<br><br>
Since she seems to be a difficult person anyways, I would just not engage whatsover with her.
 

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I probably would have mentioned something when she told you guys that she was expecting. It would have been a perfect time since she was sharing that info. But that is only if you are inclined to tell her.<br><br>
I agree with the pp in that it is not necessary to tell her unless it will have some effect on your dsd in the near future. Curious that your husband hasn't told his daughter that he will have another child in the next few weeks. You said he talks to her on the phone regularly, right? I wonder how the lack of information sharing by him will make his daughter feel?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
DP will be back on 2-3 and I will be at 37 weeks then. He does talk to his DD as often as her mother will let him. She won't answer his call unless it is after 9PM when she has free minutes on her phone, but DD goes to bed at 8:30. When he does get to talk to her (about 2-3x week), she is usually watching TV or a movie and doesn't talk with him much. He has tried telling her that she will have a little brother or sister soon, but I think she probably didn't get that he wasn't talking about the baby her mom is expecting.<br><br>
I am glad that I am not the only one who feels that its not really her (ExW) business anyway at this point. I just hope that when DP does tell ExW about this baby that she doesn't fly off the handle. One cool thing is their DD is so smart and receptive, she hears the mean things her mother says to DP and then when she gets on the phone she will ask DP "Was Mommy being mean to you?" or "You don't have to listen to everything she tells you to do". Thats where my hope lies, that their DD will still somehow understand that its her mothers issue and insecurities and she will then form her own opinion.<br><br>
I think DP wants to tell his DD about this baby first, which may or may not result in him not telling ExW on the same call. Is this something that would really upset a rational person, like if ExW is not told until DD brings it up later? After all the baby is only related to the DD, not the ExW.<br><br>
Thanks for your input sunflowers and skimama.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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We had a very very different situation, so this may not be applicable... but I didn't want my husband's ex to know either because of the negative energy stuff. We gave her a vague due date for the first one because I was afraid she would find a way to interfere. By the time I was pregnant with the next one, I wasn't worried about that, but didn't feel like she needed to know until it was going to impact my step-daughter. So with the first my husband waited until we had my step-daughter at our house, sent an email to his ex, then told his daughter.... that way WE got to tell my step-daughter, but his ex found out from us instead of from her daughter. She responded a little negatively, but he basically said "I will talk to you about any concerns you have related to our daughter, and that is it."<br><br>
With the next one, we just told her when I was starting to show. We basically did the same thing... waited until step-daughter was with us, emailed the info to mom, then told step-daughter.<br><br>
When SHE was pregnant, we found out from my step-daughter when we picked her up after Christmas. We never actually got the information from his ex, and the only actual confirmation we got was tucked into some paperwork regarding our custody evaluation. Even in court when we were working out a plan for his daughter to visit mom after the birth so she could meet her little brother she refused to give us even a general due date. We thought it was pretty disrespectful.<br><br>
I guess in your situation, I would handle it the way your husband is planning to... he has told her, he will tell her again when he gets back, and he can either tell his ex then. I strongly support email as a way to convey information that has the potential to cause hostility/negativity/etc because it gives the person time to process before responding and it keeps it as sharing the information you need to share, and not having a conversation in which you can get sucked into topics you don't intend to discuss. Know what I mean?<br><br>
Anyway, there's my 2-cents...
 

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I am the primary custodial parent. My ex and his GF did not tell our dd they were expecting (despite seeing her several times a month) until a month before the baby was born. Even then, they said the due date was several months away (baby born in July, said due date Halloween). The baby was not premature. My daughter (who was 5 at the time) was very hurt that she was not told. As a primary parent, it was I who was left to answer the "why didn't they tell me?" questions.... (yes, i even took her to counselling over this situation).<br>
Later, when I found out I was expecting I told ex around 12 wks- right around the same time I told dd. My dd has been a part of this entire pregnancy... (midwife appts, feeling and talking about getting a new sibling) as opposed to when her dad all of a sudden had a new little girl at his house and her feeling left out.<br>
I feel that this has more to do with the existing child not being left out or surprised by the arrival of a new sibling than your feelings towards the ex.
 

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My ex got his girlfriend pregnant and DS wasn't told at all. Granted DS had NO contact with the ex through most of the pregnancy. But the ex did start having weekends with DS right before the baby was born.<br>
Lucky DS didn't seem too upset that he wasn't told. But we thought it was pretty immature that DS nor I was told till after the baby was born. EX's girlfriend went as far as to hide her stomach with a pillow while I was over. DS doesn't seem to care either way that his father had another child.<br>
I guess its up to you if your DP tells his ex about the baby. But I would for sure tell your DSD. She has a right to know about a future sibling. IMO. I also think my DS was more happy about his MUCH younger brother because he was so involved in the pregnancy. With his fathers new baby DS doesn't seem much interested. I truely hope that DS can bond with both siblings. I think family is important. KWIM?<br>
I hope this post makes sense.<br>
GL.
 

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When I war pregnant with DS we thought it was really important to tell DSS right away, so he did not feel left out, We were telling almost everyone right away. He was 2 and did not have any idea what we were talking about, took way to long for us to get the baby out of my stomach. We told his mom when I was 12 weeks, she was fine, weird yucky but mostly fine. I don't think we needed to tell DSS so early since he was so young but i do think it was important that we thought he was important enough to be told in a timely, age appropriate manner.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks for the advice, esp concerning DSD. The last thing I want is for her to feel left out, but DP has a hard time communicating anything with a 6 yo who is always absorbed in a movie or whatever. I know it is not the DSD's fault, but her mom won't even try to encourage DSD to be anywhere except in front of the TV when DP calls. He sometimes catches them in the car or whatever, but from what I can hear most conversations are him trying to get her attention away from something else. And with the geographical distance between us, I'm not sure what DP could have done to make his DD feel included in this.<br><br>
I would like it if DP, baby and I could go back to where his DD lives in a few months, DSD and Baby could meet. That way it would be more real to her.<br><br>
I like the idea of DP telling ExW through email, but last I heard she didn't have email access. I hope that this works itself out so that DSD doesn't feel left out and ExW just shrugs it off cuz she is too busy attending to her newborn and 2 y/o.
 

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How about telling her with a cute card sent by snail mail, maybe with a picture of the two of you pointing to your tummy? That way dsd finds out in a sweet and caring way, the ex knows but doesn't have to be told directly. If you know the sex of the baby yet, you could tell her that to and how excited you are to be be giving her a baby sister or brother. In fact, cards and little letters in general would be a great way for you husband to connect with her and she would start looking forward to the mailman coming.
 

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In our case, I found out at a time that we had DSD. I was apprehensive about telling her so soon (so many miscarriages happen in the first trimester), but DF was so excited that he couldn't keep his mouth shut.<br><br>
I was a little worried about what the reaction would be when DF told DSD's mom, because when we once *thought* I might be pregnant, he mentioned something about it to her, and she started crying. This happened just a few months before the actual pregnancy. But all in all, everything went well. I even wound up inviting her to the baby shower as kind of a friendship gesture (she didn't come, though).<br><br>
As far as telling the ex, I would let DP handle that.<br><br>
IMO, your dp's limited relationship with his daughter is the biggest issue here. I don't know why you guys live so far away (military?), but I would say that having more time with his daughter is important. And if he can't do regular visits, at least send things in the mail regularly. You certainly could send things, too. Letters and cards are so cool when you are 6 (heck, even when you are a grown-up). I would also make getting his parenting agreement changed a priority. A child should not be kept from seeing her father.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pinksprklybarefoot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10349238"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would say that having more time with his daughter is important. And if he can't do regular visits, at least send things in the mail regularly. You certainly could send things, too. Letters and cards are so cool when you are 6 (heck, even when you are a grown-up). I would also make getting his parenting agreement changed a priority. A child should not be kept from seeing her father.</div>
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I totally agree that getting his visitation agreement changed should be priority. It is, but attorneys are expensive so he is saving up for that. He does regularly send his DD gifts and pictures of himself through the mail. I don't participate openly cuz his ExW behavior. One time DP told me while he was visiting his DD at ExW mothers home, ExW was trying to get DD to say my name over and over and the poor little girl wouldn't say my name in front of her mother. I know she likes me, but I try to stay back at this point just because I don't want ExW to make things difficult for her DD. DP says that DD does ask about me sometimes when they talk and has asked if I want to talk with her, but I say ask DP to say I am busy or not there because I don't want to deal with ExW if she hears and gets on the phone. Is this the wrong way for me to deal with that? Its not so much fear of ExW as it is trying to protect her DD from her mothers immature behavior. The one time that ExW and I really spoke (less than 5 minutes total), I was nice and tried to reassure her that I have no ill intentions towards her or her DD. This was prompted by her trying to accuse me of something outrageous and unfounded by anything except her own imagination.
 

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Find a way to tell his daughter that you're expecting, but I wouldn't worry about telling his ex. Its not any of her business. All three times I was expecting, I told my daughter right away.. but didn't tell my ex or his wife at all. They aren't my family so.. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>peace_laughing</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10360756"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know she likes me, but I try to stay back at this point just because I don't want ExW to make things difficult for her DD. DP says that DD does ask about me sometimes when they talk and has asked if I want to talk with her, but I say ask DP to say I am busy or not there because I don't want to deal with ExW if she hears and gets on the phone. Is this the wrong way for me to deal with that? Its not so much fear of ExW as it is trying to protect her DD from her mothers immature behavior.</div>
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DF told me a few weeks ago that I need to let DSD and my relationship progress at a rate that the two of us feel comfortable. And if DSD's mom had a problem with that, he didn't particularly care and I shouldn't either. That is her problem. So I am trying to care less about what he mom thinks as long as DSD and I are happy.<br><br>
So I say, participate in the card/letter/package sending. Chat with her on the phone. If DP, your dsd and you are all comfortable with that, then don't worry about how her mom feels about it. It seems like her mom is just trying to postpone an inevitability (you being a part of her daughter's life).<br><br>
Once your DP returns, I would say that he should call his daughter and tell her about the new baby, making it clear that he is talking about a baby in your house. Then he should have her hand the phone to her mother, and tell her as a courtesy.<br><br>
Then he should start making arrangements for his dd to meet the baby after he/she is born, despite her mother trying to keep her from having a relationship with her other family.
 

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I agree with pinksparkly. I know it can be hard to deal with a difficult parent who tries to shut you out, but if you won't talk to the child when she asks, then you are in some ways hurting her to please her mother. I think the child's interests should usually trump the parents' in these situations, and you should try to make her feel welcome in your family. It's her mom's issue, and she'll confront, and hopefully accept, in time. Let the child know she's accepted regardless.
 
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