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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I really need some advice here, I know I posted this before we separated but things are getting hairy. I left two weeks ago. This is the situation:

I make $3500 a month, including the child support for my son who is not a biological son of my stbx. I am giving my stbx all of it except $200 a week, which is what he is allowing me plus if I work overtime I get to keep that too. he says if I stop giving it to him he will keep the car (its a 2004 Chrysler pacifica - 25,000 miles). But if I keep giving him all my money until Feb 1, he will sign the car over to me. He has made $400,000 in the last two years and has $5000.00 in the bank. i have made $60,000 in the last two years and have nothing to show for it because it has all went to family bills. I don't want to give him any more money, I need to start thinking about my future especially since there is a potential layoff in the future for me, but I need a car too and a dependable one. We bought the car together but it is in his name. He refuses to sell it and split the money. I know I am being taken advantage of. I agreed under duress to do this because I felt guilty for leaving him but I have to think about my son. If it weren't for my aunt taking me in, I would be in the street. I am also owed $4500 in retro child support that my son's father says he is going to try to pay with his Christmas bonus. I paid all my taxes last year and would not owe anything if I file separately. My stbx owes money because he is an independent contractor and he made so much money. He wants to use my child support to pay his taxes! I am going to tell him no but I have a feeling he won't give me the car until I give that to him too and by then I could have gone out and bought a car with that money. He kept all the jewelry he gave me, I had to beg for my wedding ring. He made me run up dr bills while we were together because he had more important bills. All his money and the money that I give to him goes toward bills but I work my ass off and I want to see my money. So my real question - is a lawyer worth it? i don't want any of his money, I just want my money that I am away from my ds making. If a lawyer is going to cost me what I would be giving to stbx for the next two months its not even worth it.

Maybe just some hugs would be nice... I feel terrible and part of me still feels like I owe him because I left but then part of me is pissed that he is taking advantage of me, pissed that I work 40-50 hours a week so I can get overtime to pay for gas, pissed that he is still controlling me even after I am gone, pissed that my child support for MY son is essentially going to his ex wife for the cs that he owes her, pissed that he can't go out and get a real job instead of working on commission and I am slaving away so he can keep his good life. I want to cry.
 

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Quite frankly, I would tell him all deals are off. Keep all of your $3500 per month, only use $200 a month and then, by Feb., you should have more than enough to buy yourself a car. 3300x3 (nov, dec, jan) = 9900. That is plenty for a reliable used car, and a big enough down payment that, unless your credit score is dismal or inexistant, that you could get a loan for the difference on a new car. Hyundais are inexpensive and VERY reliable. Great waranty, too.

Tell him you're done picking up the slack for him living outside his means. If you're feeling guilty, simply don't ask for any of his money. But for the love of all things good, STOP GIVING HIM YOURS. Not one red cent more.

Then, get yourself a good lawyer. It doesn't matter if it looks like it might cost more than what you would have given him in the next few months (according to what he wants today). I can guarantee you in two months, he'll still be demanding more money, and will continue doing so until you have nothing left, or until you put a stop to it. This man is using you and bleeding you dry. He will not stop. Make sure you protect yourself--do not end up paying him spousal support on top of this all. GET A LAWYER. It will be worth it in the end.
 

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Um, cut the sob off.

Tell me you can look yourself in the mirror and say that the car is worth it. Then tell me you can look at your DS and say that the car is worth it.

There is nothing on the planet that you owe that guy. NOTHING. Unless I'm seriously missing something, he's a big boy, all growed up and able to go to the toilet by himself... Cut him off. Sink or swim, buddy.

Anyone, ANYONE, that is going to demand that much of your money and keep your jewelery, etc, etc, deserves nothing. Anyone who threatens the well-being of your DS (that includes financial well-being) deserves nothing.

Count how many children you gave birth to. That plus you is how many people you "owe" and are responsible for in this world. ANYTHING else is just charity.
 

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So my real question - is a lawyer worth it?

Yes, Yes it is!
This man is toxic...to you and your son. You do not owe him anything. $3500 is nothing to sneeze at so if you just kept your money and gave him back the car you probably could afford to buy yourself a reliable used car and be free of him. Also, if you get a lawyer you and stbx would have to split the marital assets more equitably and you (and your son!!) would end up better off in the end. Also, the lawyer could help you get back your belongings. He has no right to keep anything he gave you; they are yours! And let's face it if he kept these things he probably kept quite a bit more. As far as the taxes go just file seperately and keep your money; he is not entitled to it. Stop enabling him and make him take responsibility for himself. It does not end here. If you give in on these things he is just going to keep coming back and asking for more. It is not going to stop. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but your story has got my hackles raised on your behalf. I can't stand how he is taking advantage of you. The sooner you are free of him the better off you are going to be.
FC
 

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Guilt makes us do crazy things! There is NO WAY i would EVER let him take all of that hard earned money from you.
the car. There is noo way i could just give my ex 3500 a month! You use that for yourself and YOUR child. *YOU* earned that money, *YOU* keep that money!!

i know you feel rotten, but please don't. I've been following your story (i sound like a stalker, really i'm not, i just lurk on Parents as Partners) and there is NO WAY i would give that man a dime! A man doesn't take all his wifes and sons money!!!! Have him take you to court. Let the car get repoed (it's in his name right?). Rent one, buy one used, let the car go!!! Do not let him control you anymore!!!
 

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well, I know my ex didn't have time to marry you since the divorce. I think should run to a highly recommended financially savvy attorney and get temporary orders put in place immediately. He could also be running up debt you will get stuck with half of and he sounds like he has no conscience. I mean he is practically stealing your childs support money that is coming from the dad and should be for the child. Start practicing feeling no pity for him. I bet you when this is over you will HATE him for a good while. Also I would go see a counselor because you are being financially abused. The courts could care less about that but you will need to heal.
 

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Was the car acquired during the marraige? If so, and you have keys to it, it's yours until a judge orders otherwise. You are considered a unit until you are no longer a unit.* Which means that all property technically belongs to both of you and whomever has physical custody of it gets to keep it until a judge says different. It doesn't matter whose name the car is in.

And, stop giving him money. He's a user, obviously. Don't enable him, anymore. I'm assuming you left him b/c he's like this. Why let him continue to treat you poorly? The leaving him rectified all that. You're free, now! Enjoy yourself.

As far as guilt: You didn't leave him, he forced you out. Do you think he feels guilty about that?

*Your state may have different rules, but these are the general ones.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I have a call in to a lawyer to find out if I have any rights to the car. If I do, then I will stop paying him, if the lawyer says I need to pay half of it, I will pay him half (which will be my money up until Jan 1). Either way, I'm cutting off his access to my baby's child support. He has no right at all to that money. And he keeps threatening me about getting nasty and getting lawyers involved but I realize that he is doing that because he is scared and he knows any judge would say he's getting a pretty good deal and maybe make him pay back what I have given him. I am waiting on the lawyer just to cover my butt but I know you are all right - he was controlling during the marriage and he's still trying to control me.
 

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Please don't give him anything. You need to worry about yourself and your child. This man seems very controlling. My best advice for you is to cut off all communication with him and allow your attorney (when you get one) to be the communicator. It appears as though he is only looking out for HIS best interest.
Please keep us updated and DO NOT give him YOUR hard earned money!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by solareyna View Post
I make $3500 a month, including the child support for my son who is not a biological son of my stbx. I am giving my stbx all of it except $200 a week, which is what he is allowing me plus if I work overtime I get to keep that too. he says if I stop giving it to him he will keep the car (its a 2004 Chrysler pacifica - 25,000 miles). But if I keep giving him all my money until Feb 1, he will sign the car over to me.
Also, read this back to yourself and calculate the amount of money you will be giving him. You could buy yourself a very nice car with that money
 

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Cut the
off! The sooner you start removing his tentacles from your life, the better off you and your DS will be. You can see he is controlling you, and that is a good first step, awareness. Keep moving forward, mama.

From a practical standpoint, approach your bank about getting an auto loan. I recently had a similar my-car-in-his-name dilemma, and we weren't married, so I had no legal right to the car. My dad co-signed a loan with me and I make payments of less than $100/mo. on a 1996 Sentra. Not a fancy car by any means, but a great reliability reputation and cheap on gas. And, best of all, it's mine, all mine!
 

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Yes, absolutely get a lawyer! Who cares what your stbx thinks of it, or what it might "look like" to him. I would give precious little consideration to a "man" who takes your/your child's money....
: I don't know your entire story, but I do know that regardless of who left, you are not responsible for supporting this man!!!!! You are, however, responsible for your child, and I simply don't see how you can take care of your child, if you are giving your money away to this man!

If you're not going to stand up for yourself and your child, I hope that a lawyer will do that for you. You don't owe that leech a thing.
 

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I just re-read your OP, and had a thought (uh-oh, dangerous
): he "says" he will give you the car. What guarantee do you have of this? Well, if it's just a verbal agreement, absolutely none. My guess is every penny of your hard-earned money will not satisfy this, erm, person. A lawyer is absolutely worth it! They will stand up to this, erm, person, and make sure the rights of you and your son are taken care of and you will have minimal contact with this person who still holds such sway over you. Then you can take the guilt you feel to the counsellor, who will help you work through all you're feeling.

, mama. Take care of yourself and DS. Those are the only people in question you owe anything to.
 
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