Apologies in advance for the novel.
I'm a mother of an 8 year old boy (only child) who's in 3rd grade. I feel like ever since he started first grade things have been REALLY tough in regards to his arguing and it only seems to be getting worse.
I was raised with the "Because I said so" and "I'm your parent, you respect me and do as your told" type of parenting and so was my husband. I realize now this is not the best way to do things but it is really hard to break the cycle in which you were raised.
It seems like everything my son is asked to do that he doesn't want to do, he HAS to argue with me and my husband about it. Many times we are busy and simply don't have time to have a heart to heart with him about why he needs to do what he's told (clean his room, be quiet, can't have X item, etc..) and no matter how many times he's told to stop arguing, no matter how many times I've taken away toys, electronics... He STILL argues. It's almost as if he does not care if he's punished. Many times we end up screaming at each other and it ends with him angry-crying and me feeling pissed off and sad that I wasn't able to handle it better.
Now, I know yelling NEVER works, I know this. That is something both my husband and I have to work on.. I grew up with a mom who always yelled at me and my husband is just plain loud in general (grew up in a loud/yelling Italian home), but man, it is HARD to keep your cool when your child will not listen. I've also read that taking things away/grounding doesn't work.. and I can see that because he still doesn't listen. But I feel like if I do nothing, he'll think he can just do whatever he wants without being responsible for his actions.
Let me just give some examples of things we argue about:
Me: Please turn off your device and do some reading.
Son: But MOM! You always interrupt me right when I'm in the middle of something!
Me: I gave you a five minute warning already
Son: But mom, why can't I just..
Me: Turn off your device and start your reading now..
Son: MOM, why won't you let me finish..
Me: Ok, what you were going to say?..
Son: I was GOING to say that you always interrupt me when I'm on my device and I just want to finish this..
Me: You already said that!
and it just escalates from there..
Another example with dad:
Dad: Son, come outside and help me pick up the shrubs out back
Son: WHAT?!! But I don't WANT to!!
Dad: I didn't ask if you wanted to, I'm telling you!
Son: But DAD!! ..
Again.. Escalates. Now I realize my husband has a much more dictator type of approach.. I've tried to talk to him about it but he's pretty set in his ways. He's a very loving and goofy father though.. They have hugs and tickle time everyday and they laugh a lot. But when my husband decides to ask my son for something, he expects him to do as he's told.
Another thing my son does, is BLAME. Nothing is ever his fault. If he falls, it's my fault for not telling him something was in front of him. If something brakes.. it's my fault for buying him a bad toy. If he gets in trouble at school.. it's always the teacher or the other kid.. And then THAT turns into a major argument.
Then just today we were walking home from school, and he tripped and fell on his face. I asked him if he was ok and he just laid there (not crying) and would not get up. I tried to help him and he pushed me away. Then I said "Ok, we can just stay here then" and he FREAKED out saying I should help him up after I JUST offered him help. Then once he got up I showed him he had no cuts and he was fine. He then lashed out at me and saying "I'm not fine!" "Please hold my backpack!" (carrying his own backpack is something I am very adamant about him doing). I told him he didn't fall on his back and that he's fine.. Well he just lost it..
I ended up carrying it for him because he was making such a scene. But now I am full of resentment and frustration. And of course I feel terrible for feeling this way.
I am just at a loss. I feel like if I don't discipline him in some way or make him do chores with his father he'll end up a spoiled brat. I mean.. he's already acting like one.
I saw this happen with my much younger sister who's now 19. My mom never disciplined her, never made her do ANY chores and I love her to death but now she is one of the most entitled, rude people I know. I do not want this for my son. I just don't know what else to do. I really want to be the best mom I can be to him. I want him to grow up respectful and have good memories of me. Not memories of constant arguing.
Thanks for reading!
I'm a mother of an 8 year old boy (only child) who's in 3rd grade. I feel like ever since he started first grade things have been REALLY tough in regards to his arguing and it only seems to be getting worse.
I was raised with the "Because I said so" and "I'm your parent, you respect me and do as your told" type of parenting and so was my husband. I realize now this is not the best way to do things but it is really hard to break the cycle in which you were raised.
It seems like everything my son is asked to do that he doesn't want to do, he HAS to argue with me and my husband about it. Many times we are busy and simply don't have time to have a heart to heart with him about why he needs to do what he's told (clean his room, be quiet, can't have X item, etc..) and no matter how many times he's told to stop arguing, no matter how many times I've taken away toys, electronics... He STILL argues. It's almost as if he does not care if he's punished. Many times we end up screaming at each other and it ends with him angry-crying and me feeling pissed off and sad that I wasn't able to handle it better.
Now, I know yelling NEVER works, I know this. That is something both my husband and I have to work on.. I grew up with a mom who always yelled at me and my husband is just plain loud in general (grew up in a loud/yelling Italian home), but man, it is HARD to keep your cool when your child will not listen. I've also read that taking things away/grounding doesn't work.. and I can see that because he still doesn't listen. But I feel like if I do nothing, he'll think he can just do whatever he wants without being responsible for his actions.
Let me just give some examples of things we argue about:
Me: Please turn off your device and do some reading.
Son: But MOM! You always interrupt me right when I'm in the middle of something!
Me: I gave you a five minute warning already
Son: But mom, why can't I just..
Me: Turn off your device and start your reading now..
Son: MOM, why won't you let me finish..
Me: Ok, what you were going to say?..
Son: I was GOING to say that you always interrupt me when I'm on my device and I just want to finish this..
Me: You already said that!
and it just escalates from there..
Another example with dad:
Dad: Son, come outside and help me pick up the shrubs out back
Son: WHAT?!! But I don't WANT to!!
Dad: I didn't ask if you wanted to, I'm telling you!
Son: But DAD!! ..
Again.. Escalates. Now I realize my husband has a much more dictator type of approach.. I've tried to talk to him about it but he's pretty set in his ways. He's a very loving and goofy father though.. They have hugs and tickle time everyday and they laugh a lot. But when my husband decides to ask my son for something, he expects him to do as he's told.
Another thing my son does, is BLAME. Nothing is ever his fault. If he falls, it's my fault for not telling him something was in front of him. If something brakes.. it's my fault for buying him a bad toy. If he gets in trouble at school.. it's always the teacher or the other kid.. And then THAT turns into a major argument.
Then just today we were walking home from school, and he tripped and fell on his face. I asked him if he was ok and he just laid there (not crying) and would not get up. I tried to help him and he pushed me away. Then I said "Ok, we can just stay here then" and he FREAKED out saying I should help him up after I JUST offered him help. Then once he got up I showed him he had no cuts and he was fine. He then lashed out at me and saying "I'm not fine!" "Please hold my backpack!" (carrying his own backpack is something I am very adamant about him doing). I told him he didn't fall on his back and that he's fine.. Well he just lost it..
I ended up carrying it for him because he was making such a scene. But now I am full of resentment and frustration. And of course I feel terrible for feeling this way.
I am just at a loss. I feel like if I don't discipline him in some way or make him do chores with his father he'll end up a spoiled brat. I mean.. he's already acting like one.
I saw this happen with my much younger sister who's now 19. My mom never disciplined her, never made her do ANY chores and I love her to death but now she is one of the most entitled, rude people I know. I do not want this for my son. I just don't know what else to do. I really want to be the best mom I can be to him. I want him to grow up respectful and have good memories of me. Not memories of constant arguing.
Thanks for reading!