Need AP parenting suggestions or therapist

Hi there -- No tips or therapist recommendations to share because I've only got 1 so far... but I wanted to offer a hug and best wishes for staying patient and warm even while you set limits. I'm sure you are flat-out exhausted with the new babe and now worried about the older boys' too.

Editing to clarify:
Having 1 isn't related to my not knowing any good local therapists. I just meant that I don't have personal experiences to share with siblings adjusting!

I am so sorry... I wish I had some suggestions for you but I also only have one child and very little experience with this kind of problem. Is it possible for you to spend a whole day doing something special with Iain (as far as that is possible with a new baby)? Maybe he is jealous of the new baby but can't put his feelings into words.

Maybe you could try calling around to different therapists and explain your parenting philosophy and they can tell you whether they can work with your family's parenting style?

What a not fun situation for you. My suggestions may be really stupid, but I will try. If Iain really likes playing crocodile, maybe you could find some things to "catch and bite." ( soft fish, fish from a fishing game, other miscellaneous animals). Maybe he could help you figure out what the crocodile eats. In the meantime, what do you think is he accomplishing from trying to bite Duncan? Is it attention from his older brother? Is it a power thing? If Duncan runs away and shrieks, maybe it makes Iain feel like he is the bigger kid. Maybe teach Duncan some things he could do to stop it. That way Duncan wouldn't feel so attacked. I am thinking of when Iain comes after him, Duncan calmly says he doesn't like that and gets away from Iain (goes into a room and shuts the door). It sounds like Iain might do it to get a rise out of his brother (I had a brother who used to do things specifically to get a rise out of me and my other brother. Ignoring him and walking away worked wonders, although we were older than your boys) because he knows what will happen and it's fun to chase your older brother around. I am a firm believer in figuring out why the behavior is happening and changing the situation so my kids don't get the response they like. I don't believe in time outs, but I do believe in taking time to calm down. When my son was that age and he hit or did inappropriate things when playing with other kids, I would sit him down and say that he has lost the priviledge of playing with those kids because of what he did and he had to sit with me for a bit (often against his will), apologize to the kiddos, then he would get another chance. It took him a while to figure it out, but he loves to play with other kids and taking him away from that was torture for him. It was a lot of work on my and my husband's part, but evetually it started to work. We had to be really consistent for a long time.

I hope that you figure something out. I remember the ages your kids are at and they were hard ones for me to parent. It is so hard when things that worked in the past don't work for current behaviors. Good luck!

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Have you read the book Playful Parenting? I think it would be really helpful in your situation. The author talks about how kids use play to work through difficult feelings, and how good aggressive play can actually help children learn to control their aggressive impulses. Of course, you don't want Iain scaring Duncan with his chasing games, but the book offers lots of ideas on how to gently direct the play. It sounds like Iain really needs to play these games though-- I think it would be great to find a way to play crocodiles with him.

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I would try to focus on the positive with the boys. Make sure they are getting enough phisical activity. Keep them fairly well occupied-- make sure they aren't just getting bored. If one is getting hurt I would calmly get between, and without judging or shaming the aggressor, I would say "we don't hit," and make sure the hurt one was ok. Then I'd move on, without making a huge deal of it.

Another book I really liked was Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. It has lots of straight forward advice and clear examples.

I hope things are better soon.