[earthy_mama]

My 2.5 year old DS has recently started hurting his 9 mo old twin brothers. Today he sat on the floor and kicked one them in the face while I was getting the other ready to go to our play group. Later in the day he pushed his other brother's head into the hardwood floor face first and gave him a nosebleed.

He has always been an easy kid so this is very new to me. I'm in the process of reading a book called Positive Discipline and have gained a lot of insight from it, however, I'm overtired (due to twins waking multiple times in the night), stressed and VERY concerned about the safety of the 9 mo olds. Given all of this, I am trying my very best to GD but am finding that it's not coming naturally to me now that he is becoming more challenging.

Today, after the kicking incident, I picked him up calmly, took him to his room, told him his feet are not for kicking and that I can't let him hurt other people. I then closed the door and gave him some time (and myself some time) to cool off. I returned lovingly, gave him a hug and we talked. He knew that what he had done was wrong and said that he wanted to give his brother a hug to help him feel better. I told him that we wouldn't be going to play group this morning as a result of his behavior.

This afternoon after the nosebleed incident, I did roughly the same thing, only there was no extra consequence such as missing play group.

I'm looking for some guidance here because I really need this behavior to stop before some serious injury occurs. I also miss the happy, easy-going kid that he used to be. I'm not positive on his motivation for behaving this way - seeking attention?, trying to find a way to interact with his sibs? (this afternoon we came up with ideas for ways to play with them that won't hurt them: peek-a-boo, gentle tickling, clapping hands, shaking noisy toys...). DH and I decided we need to be zero-tolerance on this - the moment he's kicking, slapping, pushing we will remove him. I just feel like perhaps I'm missing some other big obvious solution here. I know that I can help him to change his focus once he begins to play rough (initial signs are usually him falling on one of them) but I'm not always in the room.

Any advice, ideas are welcome. I just want to be the best parent I can be and feel like I'm missing the beat right now.

 

[menomena]

I'll be watching this thread for replies. My 26m old has started hurting her baby sister, too. Granted, her sister is only a few weeks old, so our situation is a bit different... I've been assuming hers is DEFINTELY an attention/jealousy/transition issue. But I've noticed there is a component of impulse control as well. It's like she knows she shouldn't and she doesn't WANT the baby to hurt, but she can't help herself.

The way we handle it is very similar to you. We tell her that hands are not for hitting and we don't hurt other people. We physically remove her from her sister and ask her to get control of her hands. When she is "in control" she comes back and shows her sister she's sorry by either giving her a hug or telling her sorry (whatever she chooses). I think zero-tolerance to violence is good. We do similar things when Lily gets upset and kicks me when I can't nurse her immediately in the middle of the night (like when I'm nursing the baby, or when I was pregnant and we were attempting night-weaning).

How did your son act when the babies were first born? Has anything in your environment changed? Are the babies becoming more mobile - pulling up, walking, crawling - and he maybe views it as threatening? (Or alternatively, perhaps as they get older and you interact with them more he views that negatively?)

There are definitely emotional components here. I would try to address those. Affirm your love for him physically and verbally, even when he acts out. I'm assuming there is testing here too, like "will mom still love me when i'm naughty?" It's frustrating as all get out for sure. I'm sure it's hard on our toddlers too. I don't think any child WANTS to be naughty and there are conflicting feelings at work.

Good luck. Let us know when your situation improves.

 

[earthy_mama]

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[earthy_mama]

When the babies were first born he was very proud to have 2 little brothers and loved to hold them but was also quite indifferent most of the time. Around 6 mos old he began to interract with them a lot more. At this point they would respond by laughing at him which he loved (and still does).

They have recently become more mobile but I have to say that when they are going for his things he handles it quite well. I was careful not to intervene the first couple of times it happened, but instead helped him figure out a solution mostly on his own. Now when he whines "Mom, he's touching my... whatever" I simply say "oh" or "yes, he is" and DS1 usually just calmly removes the item and offers his sib a 'baby toy'. I sometimes have to remind him to remove it gently but generally he's pretty good.

Quote:

But I've noticed there is a component of impulse control as well. It's like she knows she shouldn't and she doesn't WANT the baby to hurt, but she can't help herself.

This seems to describe our situation quite well too, and I agree that there is an emotional component here as well. I will continue affirming my love for him and perhaps I need to make a greater effort to lighten my mood and bring more fun into our days as well. As I mentioned in my OP, I'm pretty darn tired every day and my energy is quite low due to lack of sleep.

I'll keep you posted.

 

[menomena]

Quote:

Originally Posted by earthy_mama OP, I'm pretty darn tired every day and my energy is quite low due to lack of sleep.

Oh, I feel you on this. My 2yo is nursing more than my newborn at night. And they're tag-teaming me so that one of them is nursing pretty much every hour or so.

:

I'm really struggling with patience right now.

 

[bdavis337]

You know, my toddler is 24 months, and has recently begun this behavior towards his 6 year old brother! The younger child is clearly the aggressor - he pushes, kicks, and hits to get his brother's attention. It's gotten quite difficult lately, since they're only 12 lbs different in weight, so the toddler can easily knock his brother down if he's not expecting the onslaught. I get terribly frustrated at having to separate them so often, and it's hard on my oldest son to have to lock himself in a closet to read a book in peace (they share a bedroom, and we don't have bunkbeds, the big closet is his "private space" where he stores his little toys, books, legos, etc.).

 

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by earthy_mama They have recently become more mobile but I have to say that when they are going for his things he handles it quite well. I was careful not to intervene the first couple of times it happened, but instead helped him figure out a solution mostly on his own. Now when he whines "Mom, he's touching my... whatever" I simply say "oh" or "yes, he is" and DS1 usually just calmly removes the item and offers his sib a 'baby toy'. I sometimes have to remind him to remove it gently but generally he's pretty good.

Somewhere I read that sibling rivalry is worst just when babies start to get mobile.

And while he's doing great when they go for his stuff, I'm sure this adds stress to his day (especially since there are TWO of them). Increased one-on-one time with you and dad might help a bit.

Remember too that 2 1/2 year olds don't have a lot of impulse control, and no sense of what the long term consequences of his actions are. Until he's older and better able to control himself, I just wouldn't leave him alone with the babies. Either take him with you, or take them both with you. I know it's a juggling act, but since the problem seems to be when you're otherwise occupied, this is probably the most effective thing to do for now. And you can keep working on 'gentle touches' etc.