[snuggly mama]

Ds is almost 12, and has, over the past few months, become increasingly difficult. Up until then, he's always been the first one to give me hugs, to do nice things for others, and just to be an all around decent kid. Over the last few months, we've had a couple of issues, and I'm at a loss now as to what to do.

Last month, we found out that he hadn't turned in any homework for three weeks, some of which were long-term projects that counted as test grades for which he received a zero. I ask every night about homework, and he'd always said it was done. So, consequences for that incident were loss of gaming and computer privileges for 2 weeks and having to do all the big missed assigments. He agreed, and did fine with it all.

Last week, we discovered (completely by accident) that he'd been hoarding candy in his room and then discarding all the wrappers --- LOTS of wrappers -- in our attic (attached to his room). Since we've had problems with bats and squirrels in the attic, this is NOT cool. His consequence was cleaning up the wrappers and part of the attic, and he accepted it without incident.

So today, I find out that he took two of his sister's Twilight books (a very, very big deal), lied about having taken them since he denied it up and down yesterday, and then GAVE AWAY the books to girls in his class

I found out because the girls gave them back to him in front of me when I picked him up today. He also has taken money from his sister recently as well.

For now, I've told him that he can't go to basketball practice this afternoon and that I need time to think about appropriate consequences.

I'm hurt and angry and disappointed. I don't like the sneakiness and the lying, both things that are, in my book, serious issues.

Ideas, thoughts?

 

[swampgreeneyes]

My dd hordes things like food too. This is irritating because of bugs and because we are trying to gently correct her weight problem. She similarly ignores or barely completes assignments, and I keep hearing from other parents that this is not uncommon behavior. In my case, I feel like I don't enforce enough responsibility on her, so she feels that ignoring rules or assignments isn't a big deal. I will keep watching this thread because i feel we're in the same boat!

 

[operamommy]

We've struggled quite a bit with homework and grade issues here (with my ds1, age 13) . We try to talk a lot about "real world" consequences, and try to stress the life skills he's learning by doing homework, studying for tests, etc.

We've also dealt with lying and sneakiness in the past - though he seems to have grown out of that now. To be honest, it sounds like your son is experimenting a bit with choices, and I think that's entirely normal and expected at this age.

It doesn't make it any funner to deal with it though, does it?

 

[bearer of truth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by snuggly mama Last month, we found out that he hadn't turned in any homework for three weeks, some of which were long-term projects that counted as test grades for which he received a zero. I ask every night about homework, and he'd always said it was done.

I'm a very smart dude, identified gifted, 4.0 in college. That said, I failed numerous classes in high school, skipped class all the time, didn't do assignments. My mom was always on my ass about homework, grades, etc. Half of my motivation for not doing anything in HS was probably the way in which she went about trying to enforce her core value that school is all-important. Every second sentence in any conversation i would have with her in my teens would be about school- report cards, what university are you going to, you need to go to university, it's a ticket, etc... It got to a point where I avoided talking to her because I knew our conversation, no matter what it was about, would just end up being about school.

So as a result of her parenting line I ended up resenting her, resenting school, and almost totally screwing up my future. Once she stopped caring, stopped talking to me about it, I was able to see for myself how important school is, and how fulfilling it is to do well in school, to learn, not for the sake of pleasing somebody else, but just for learning's sake!

Maybe that makes sense, maybe not. Coles notes: let your kid figure the school thing out on his own terms.

 

[Marsupialmom]

I think with the books and money has to do with social pressures. He is trying to stand out to girls. And by giving them things and letting them borrow things he gets their attention. THIS IS A SELF ESTEEM ISSUE. He wants to be valued and special and attention from girls. This is the age that boys start doing stupid stuff trying to win the attention of girls. They also have great fears of rejection. http://www.asanet.org/cs/root/topnav..._relationships

As for the candy hording---ditch cand around the house all together. Also realize his body needs more carbs, especailly if he is doing sports. Find a nutrious carb filled food.

Don't take sports away from him. It might mean he only goes to and from practice and games but there are so many reasons not to take away sports for his overall health and self esteem.

Also are his sitters older or younger than him? Make sure he is getting positive attention from you. That might mean doing things you hate like trying to understand his favorite Video game. Boys socialize different than girls. I think sometimes we mama's forget that and don't change our interactions like we should.

 

[tsalagimama]

My brother went through a difficult time as a young teen. He is brilliant, and can make darn near anything, really gifted spatially, but he just got bored in school, and hated feeling like he was constantly being controlled and "monitored." My parents just let him deal with the consequences he made for himself, until a certain point. Then, we finally got him into a program called "Middle College" run out of the local community college. He went to classes on the CC campus, and was able to take a mixture of high school and college courses, such as robotics, computer game design, etc. It was exactly what he needed, because he could see how education was valuable to him and could be fun and enlightening.

As for the books thing, I think your DS is exploring the idea of dating/courting/hanging out with girls, whatever you want to call it. He's probably figured out that boys give presents to girls they like, that the girls in his school all adore Twilight, and he wants to test the dating waters. Stealing is a big issue, but I would focus mainly on that aspect of it. Have a discussion about private property, and the repercussions of stealing in society and in your family. Ask him to formally apologize to his sister, through a written note or a verbal conversation.

Finally, the candy. Why does he feel he has to hide it? Are you strictly anti-sugar? Has his blood sugar ever been tested, to check for insulin issues? How is he getting it-- buying with his money, your money, or stealing? I would be more concerned with explaining to him that he can be honest about anything, and that secrecy is a form of lying, and lies are the companion of all other wrongs-- stealing, hurting, etc.

I wouldn't take away the sports, but I would figure out what's behind all of this. Consider his school environment, getting a check-up just to check his blood work, and having his father talk to him about dating, respecting girls, respecting private property, etc.

 

[purslaine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by snuggly mama Ds is almost 12, and has, over the past few months, become increasingly difficult. Up until then, he's always been the first one to give me hugs, to do nice things for others, and just to be an all around decent kid. Over the last few months, we've had a couple of issues, and I'm at a loss now as to what to do. Last month, we found out that he hadn't turned in any homework for three weeks, some of which were long-term projects that counted as test grades for which he received a zero. I ask every night about homework, and he'd always said it was done. So, consequences for that incident were loss of gaming and computer privileges for 2 weeks and having to do all the big missed assigments. He agreed, and did fine with it all. This is tricky. Try to determine if he needs help - getting organised or with the work, or just needs to figure things out on his own. Is the school meeting his needs? If he needs to figure things out on his own I would back off. For all our trying, I do not think we can make people want to do well in school Last week, we discovered (completely by accident) that he'd been hoarding candy in his room and then discarding all the wrappers --- LOTS of wrappers -- in our attic (attached to his room). Since we've had problems with bats and squirrels in the attic, this is NOT cool. His consequence was cleaning up the wrappers and part of the attic, and he accepted it without incident. Why does he have to hide food? Bring in a reasonable amount of junk food, and let him go at it in front of you. : At almost 12 he really should be able to eat what he wants. If he can eat what he wants but chose to eat in the attic then your consequence was bang on. I do not allow food upstairs, either - it is a very reasonable rule. So today, I find out that he took two of his sister's Twilight books (a very, very big deal), lied about having taken them since he denied it up and down yesterday, and then GAVE AWAY the books to girls in his class I found out because the girls gave them back to him in front of me when I picked him up today. He also has taken money from his sister recently as well. I find this the most serious - lying and loaning books without permission is not OK. I do not have any adice except multiple heart to hearts. Sometimes I communicate better with my DS when we are in the car, or over hot chocolate at a coffee house - getting away from the house seems to help. I would definately say you know why he did it, it was not OK, and what could he do instead. Let him know it was not Ok - but your trust can be rebuilt - one mistake does not define him. For now, I've told him that he can't go to basketball practice this afternoon and that I need time to think about appropriate consequences. I'm hurt and angry and disappointed. I don't like the sneakiness and the lying, both things that are, in my book, serious issues. Ideas, thoughts?

Good luck!

Kathy

 

[Labbemama]

Marsupialmom, You hit the nail right on the head there with the point about trying to impress the girls. DH has promised *MY* Trueblood books to his little love interest.

He wanted to see Twilight too so he could discuss it with the same young lady and probably so he could figure out how to be more like Edward the character all the little girls he knows are swooning over. My son would probably be reading them too except his sister has already loaned her copies out. LOL.

To the OP...He probably was curious about the Twilight books and lied because if anyone found out he was reading them he would be embarrassed and teased because boys are not supposed to read those "girlie" books.

 

[snuggly mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bearer of truth I'm a very smart dude, identified gifted, 4.0 in college. That said, I failed numerous classes in high school, skipped class all the time, didn't do assignments. My mom was always on my ass about homework, grades, etc. Half of my motivation for not doing anything in HS was probably the way in which she went about trying to enforce her core value that school is all-important. .

We do put a great deal of emphasis on school, but we try to do it in a way that's not full of pressure. For example, I'm not overly concerned about actual grades, but I do tell all the kids that I want to know that they're doing their best work, whatever that might be. Dd1 is extremely bright and often brags about it to ds (who is bright as well, but in different ways). I think there's probably some insecurity there. Ds also has issues with organization -- always has -- so the long-term projects were probably overwhelming and he didn't want or know how to ask for help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom I think with the books and money has to do with social pressures. He is trying to stand out to girls. And by giving them things and letting them borrow things he gets their attention. THIS IS A SELF ESTEEM ISSUE. He wants to be valued and special and attention from girls. Also realize his body needs more carbs, especailly if he is doing sports. Find a nutrious carb filled food. Don't take sports away from him. It might mean he only goes to and from practice and games but there are so many reasons not to take away sports for his overall health and self esteem. Also are his sitters older or younger than him? Make sure he is getting positive attention from you. That might mean doing things you hate like trying to understand his favorite Video game. Boys socialize different than girls. I think sometimes we mama's forget that and don't change our interactions like we should.

So, so true! I know I'm very guilty of trying to interact with him on the level that's comfortable for me -- which includes more talking and less doing. Ds in often uncomfortable with lots of talk, so I need to do some thinking on this. We are getting a game system for Christmas that I might actually be interested in, so it will be interesting to see if that helps. Maybe reading some books he likes as well? I also hadn't really thought about the candy in terms of a physical need for carbs. He's grown a TON in the last few months, and probably is hungrier than I realize.

He has an older sister and a younger sister, and I think he often feels lost in the shuffle. Both girls are intense, in different ways, and as I'm thinking about it, I'm guessing that he probably feels like he just needs some of my attention, and I don't give it to him in the ways that are meaningful to him. Are there any book suggestions on connecting with boys?

Quote:

Originally Posted by tsalagimama As for the books thing, I think your DS is exploring the idea of dating/courting/hanging out with girls, whatever you want to call it. He's probably figured out that boys give presents to girls they like, that the girls in his school all adore Twilight, and he wants to test the dating waters. Stealing is a big issue, but I would focus mainly on that aspect of it. Have a discussion about private property, and the repercussions of stealing in society and in your family. Ask him to formally apologize to his sister, through a written note or a verbal conversation. Finally, the candy. Why does he feel he has to hide it? Are you strictly anti-sugar? Has his blood sugar ever been tested, to check for insulin issues? How is he getting it-- buying with his money, your money, or stealing? I would be more concerned with explaining to him that he can be honest about anything, and that secrecy is a form of lying, and lies are the companion of all other wrongs-- stealing, hurting, etc. I wouldn't take away the sports, but I would figure out what's behind all of this. Consider his school environment, getting a check-up just to check his blood work, and having his father talk to him about dating, respecting girls, respecting private property, etc.

We did talk about privacy and trust, and I had dd come up with some appropriate consequences. Given her level of anger, I was pleasantly surprised by her thought process. She had him bake her a batch of brownies because, "That will help me feel better", clean the stove, "because that's a messy job, and you did something wrong by lying" and lose game privileges for three days, because that's how long her books were missing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Labbemama Marsupialmom, You hit the nail right on the head there with the point about trying to impress the girls. DH has promised *MY* Trueblood books to his little love interest. He wanted to see Twilight too so he could discuss it with the same young lady and probably so he could figure out how to be more like Edward the character all the little girls he knows are swooning over. My son would probably be reading them too except his sister has already loaned her copies out. LOL. To the OP...He probably was curious about the Twilight books and lied because if anyone found out he was reading them he would be embarrassed and teased because boys are not supposed to read those "girlie" books.

WOW. This, exactly, sounds like ds! He begged and begged to go to the Twilight movie, and I said no (because it was a special night out for dd and her friends, and because I thought he only cared about the whole 'vampire' aspect). It never occurred to me that he might be wanting to figure out the whole crush/dating thing.

 

[purslaine]

snuggly mama....you might want to post on the gifted forum.

I am not sure you should focus on "doing your best" with gifted children. Many gifted children are perfectionists - and "doing your best" only adds fuel to the fire. It also has the opposite impact - when kids cannot live up to what they see "as their best" - they often quit trying and underachieve. Throw in disorganisation (which is a huge component to grading), and underachieving is even more likely.

Kathy