Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
1,169 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey Sept, BTDT breastfeeding Momma's..how do I get DH to understand and supprt bf? particualarly we are arguing about my right to feed in public. His Mother is coming today, and DH wants to go out to lunch. I know that the law protects my right to feed.. he wants me to do it in the back of the car. Um sounds like I am doing something dirty.

Nothing I say will work. He thinks I just want to fluant my boob? WTF.. I am only 3 weeks PP and still riding my emotional rollercoaster (btw when does this stop??) We can;t saeem to talk rationally..

Does my loval LLL help with emotional problems? Who can I turn to? Help!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
433 Posts
*hugs* Samuel is so lucky to have a mom like you!

You have a sling don't you? You can nurse pretty discreetly in a sling with some practice! Try it out in front of a mirror before you go out.

Could tell DH that part of why you are breastfeeding (besides the health benefits) is for ease of travel? Does he really want to listen to his son scream all the way out to the car? Is he going to come out to the car with you to keep you company? and little babes nurse a lot! that could be several trips to the car during lunch.

Good luck momma, you're doing great!

And yes, LLL is there for emo support!!! Call them/Visit them!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
5,916 Posts
First of all, yes, your LLL DOES help with emotional problems, the physical side of it is only part of breastfeeding, the emotional side is NOT overlooked by LLL! So if you have a few leaders or members that you're close to, give them a call definitely!!!

Secondly...my husband was also a bit leery of me nursing in public. He didn't have the balls to tell me no, but he did kind of say "how are you gonna do this?" I hadn't mastered nursing well enough the first several months, so I had a nursing cover that I used. Even with the cover, I needed husband's help during latch on, I needed an extra hand to hold the cover up so I could see what I was doing and help him latch. Once he was latched, hubby laid the cover down and all was well.

Even with my second, out at a restaurant with the in-laws, I turned my chair around away from the table to latch the baby on, then turned back around and continued the conversation/eating.

You certainly CAN nurse at home or in the car before going in to the restaurant, and you may want to just so you can enjoy the meal. But if the baby starts to cry, just non-chalantly pick up the baby and get yourself situated with a blanket or cover (if you choose to use one, most moms do in the early weeks) and nurse away. Your husband will come to learn, as mine did, that a crying baby calls more attention to you than you nursing. Once you get good at nursing, as long as you're wearing the right clothes, most people will just think you're holding the baby, they won't even know there's a boob out, because it won't be exposed at all!

I have nursed in some crazy places, you name it, I've nursed there! You'll find your comfort level!!! Everyone's is different, so don't feel forced into anything.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,172 Posts
sometimes the only way to get your man to realize the importance of breastfeeding *on demand* -- especially in a very young newborn, is to just do it. you can be very discrete, even in a restaurant. the biggest secret to success is to "just do it." don't ask permission from anybody, your husband, your MIL, the wait staff, the other patrons. if baby starts fussing, just quietly bring him to your breast. cover any exposed flesh with your positioning or even a blanket if it makes you feel better. don't make eye contact with anybody "staring." just focus on your baby and making him feel better.

believe you me, everybody else *would* way rather that you quiet that crying baby, by whatever means, than to have him sit there and make a scene to avoid breastfeeding.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
765 Posts
BTDT. I highly suggest a nursing cover so that you can use both hands to get the kiddo latched on (attaches around neck) and boning in the front so that you can see what you're doing and allows for ventilation for the kid. I know you probably won't get one by lunch today, but if you have a baby blanket, some safety pins and a strap of some sort (maybe a thick ribbon, old detachable bra strap, or a thin strip of fabric), you can easily MacGyver your own.

The emotional/DH stuff will probably take some time. I know it's rough. You have both gone through BIG changes!!! He's probably feeling a little insecure that other guys will be leering over your exposed boobies, or thinking dirty things while you're bf'ing! Rediculous to us, I know. But to guys its a whole different thing. Once he sees that it's no big deal, that no one is going to see your boobs (or even notice what's going on!!!), he'll lighten up. Just stand your ground and firmly but gently show him that this is how it's gonna be!!!

good luck mama!!!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
594 Posts
You could always make a comment to his mother if the baby needs to eat during your meal!

Something to the effect of, "Please excuse me, my husband thinks I need to go hide away in the back of the car now so I can feed his son because he doesn't think he's old enough to join us at the table. Honey, will you carry my plate?"
:

I admit, this might not work for very many people at all... but I have a very unique relationship with my husband and with my in-laws, as well as with my own family. We have a sense of humor that would scare some people, I'm sure.

But is it possible that his mother just might be an ally for you to turn to on this subject? My MIL would turn to my DH and say, "Steven, you are being a fool. Of course my grandson can eat at our table." :roflmao

To make it all easier and less conspicuous for DH the first few times, perhaps you can request a booth at a quiet part of the restaurant if one is available. If you sat in the corner of the booth (I know, I know, you would feel like you were being punished, but at least until DH is able to see that men will not be whistling as they walk by admiring his wife's drinking vessels!) then not a soul would be the wiser.

Before long, you'll be whipping it out on any park bench.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
894 Posts
I agree with the PP who said that if YOU have to miss part of the meal, then your DH should also be sitting in the car with you. If I had gone to the car every time DS needed to nurse I would have missed out on so much of life! They nurse a LOT!

I would be tempted to just tell your husband "not your boobs - not your decision"...but I'm sure that won't actually help the situation.
Definitely try out using a cover until you're practiced enough to nurse without anyone noticing what you're doing. Once baby can help direct his head and knows how to latch well, it's soooo much easier.

I hope your husband comes around. It's so important for us to feel the support from our family. Definitely call LLL, they are so helpful for ALL aspects of breastfeeding.



Erin
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,169 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
thanks mommas! i knew i could count on you! i have a hooter hider on its way..should be here by sometime next week. i hope you are right that he'll just "get it" lately i feel like i am talking to myself...
 

· Registered
Joined
·
236 Posts
Strongfeather,
you DO NOT need permission from anyone to feed your child. You do not have to hide away either. If your husband seriously thinks you want to nurse in public to 'flaunt your boobs' than he needs a smack. I'm sorry but that's just silly and disrespectful to you!
I really don't understand that mentality.

I think you should just tell him that it's how the baby eats and that you refuse to hide away to feed him, that you will feed him on demand where and when he needs it. End of.
If you make concessions now, you will always have problems. Next he may say it's ok to feed in a toilet.
I hope I am not upsetting you, it just really bothers me when people say these things. No wonder women feel so self concious breastfeeding and turn to the bottle so early on.

Just DO IT sister!!!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,150 Posts
My dh said all those tings in t\he begining but for the past three years I wip it out wherever,whenever and however I want. Dh does not bat an eyelash. In fact his famous last words used to be "put him to breast already"! I think if you bring a sling and act natural it will go much better. Hooter hiders draw a lot of attention and are frankly a lot of of work. By the time you get it out of the bag hook it on set it up, undo your shirt and bra then set up the baby the baby is usually crying and past the point of hunger. Try sling nursing don't waste money of the HH$$$. Also, if you are in MA there are cards that you can carry about your legal right to openly breastfeed almost anywhere in MA. Most LLL have them. Don't be shy or embarrassed IT is your right!!!!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
501 Posts
Like so many have said already, I think it's important that you just DO IT!! Even though he never really said anything, I know that my DH was uncomfortable with me bfing in public in the beginning, especially in front of his friends. Eventually, because I acted like it didn't matter and that she was going to eat whenever, wherever, however, it became a big joke. His friends have now all seen flashes of my boobs so many times that they don't even think twice!!

Oh, and I think once DH realized it would make her stop fussing in two seconds, rather than having an entire restaurant staring at us, he was completely on board!

So, really, I think you should just go for it. Act like it's no big deal. Because, really, it just isn't...That boy needs to eat!!!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,639 Posts
my EH HATED that i BF in public id just throw a receaving blanike over my so bc it SI my right to feed my child and if they dont like it the can NOT look! i hate it when people are closed minded about this im sure my MIL is she told me she didnt BF bc she didnt want to "lose her perfect boobs" wow that comment threw me! i will bf my child when ever where ever when my son was first born i hide in the bathroom stall feeding him then thoght OMG im in here where people POOP tryng t o feed a child this is Stupid i wouldnt eat in a bathroom good luck momma be strong!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
I'm very much a boobs out kinda girl. Probably helps that I started my breastfeeding career in Europe, certainly in my day (5 years ago) I never saw anyone covering up - never saw it at all until I came to N. America. These covers draw my eye in a way that a nursing infant never would. You really do need support from friends and family in the early days of nursing, and I hope your DH can get his head around the fact that your boobs are merely mammary glands and lovely as they are they are now being used for their true purpose. I nursed solidly until 3 months ago when DS2 weaned (DS3 is due next month) and laugh at the thought of my boobs being viewed as anything sexual, for me they are entirely practical. Saying that I do remember the first time that I nursed in a restaurant, I found it incredibly stressful, but as previous posters have noted a wailing infant is actually more stressful. With practice comes confidence. DH will learn to accept it, it's best for you and the baby.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
533 Posts
Hi StrongFeather!

I can't help with personal experience, but I have a friend with a hubby who "just didn't get it". So, part of her strategy was to send him off to the - restroom, car, away from people in the yard during their BBQ, with his lunch/dinner.... just to prove a point.

He finally did get it, and over time became very supportive. I'm not sure if this would help you or not, but had to mention it.

Hang in there, you are doing great, and enjoy your lunch together!

 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,173 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post
sometimes the only way to get your man to realize the importance of breastfeeding *on demand* -- especially in a very young newborn, is to just do it. you can be very discrete, even in a restaurant. the biggest secret to success is to "just do it." don't ask permission from anybody, your husband, your MIL, the wait staff, the other patrons. if baby starts fussing, just quietly bring him to your breast. cover any exposed flesh with your positioning or even a blanket if it makes you feel better. don't make eye contact with anybody "staring." just focus on your baby and making him feel better.

believe you me, everybody else *would* way rather that you quiet that crying baby, by whatever means, than to have him sit there and make a scene to avoid breastfeeding.
:

I'm so sorry your DH doesn't understand how important this is to you. It sounds like HE has a problem--is thinking too sexually about BFing.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
149 Posts
The first week my DD was born my husband made a comment about me nursing in front of his dad and I told him that maybe if his dad wasn't ok with me feeding his grandaughter that maybe he shouldn't come over when that would be happening(like every 15 min

Of course it wasn't his dad that was outwardly uncomfortable it was my hubby but I think he got the idea that this was going to happen very often and that while I wasn't going to flash people purposely(like some mamas I know) I for sure wasn't going to hide away under a sheet or in a different room, learning how to feed the baby is hard enough let alone trying to do it under a cover or feeling all this anxiety from people around you.
I also made alot of comments to people if they were questioning me like "eww you are going to eat in front of me that is discusting go to the bathroom." Or "you have the right to eat in public so does my baby"
Don't expect to have the backing of anyone but also don't think everyone is staring in judgment either. This is still a new thing for our culture in some ways and womens bodies are still over sexualized and breastfeeding in public is one thing we can do to tone that down a bit and make it so it is not as big a deal.
Sorry to rant really passionate about this one
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,279 Posts
I don't use covers. I just don't have the energy, and they seem like a huge neon arrow saying 'breastfeeding happening here!' to me...

I do have a sling with an extralong tail that I can use in a pinch.

I wear layers- a shelf cami under whatever I have over. Outer shirt up, cami down, instant nipple and nothing else shows. Those 3 seconds that feel like an eternity while baby is latching? I'm willing to bet that if you get the feeding cues fast enough no one will notice you latching him on.

If your DH is worried about it, I'd invite him to sit in the back of the car until you let him know the baby is done, that way he doesn't have to be embarrassed about the fact that his wife is feeding his child.

My dh was uneasy at first- he's kind of a reserved guy.
However, I simply said "I'm feeding the baby where and when he wants to eat. Deal with it." Over time it became normal to him as well.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,027 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by KikaKika View Post
Hi StrongFeather!

I can't help with personal experience, but I have a friend with a hubby who "just didn't get it". So, part of her strategy was to send him off to the - restroom, car, away from people in the yard during their BBQ, with his lunch/dinner.... just to prove a point.

He finally did get it, and over time became very supportive. I'm not sure if this would help you or not, but had to mention it.

Hang in there, you are doing great, and enjoy your lunch together!


Great idea! I have not personally dealt with this problem, but that seems like it might really get through to some men.

I was JUST talking about this very issue earlier today and felt compelled to post my thoughts on the matter....http://gabethebabe-stille.blogspot.c...stfeeding.html
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,390 Posts
I just have to agree with some PPs on 2 things: your husband is being ridiculous, and those covers just draw attention to the fact that you're breastfeeding under there. People will look more in your direction because it's a very odd-looking thing. I think a sling is the perfect alternative.

Now that said- the first few weeks while you & the baby figure out how to latch on quickly can be a bit hard. You feel like you're exposed forever! I can see how you'd feel more comfortable learning how to do it fast under a cover. But soon, you'll be bringing the baby up and the shirt open in one smooth, practiced move- and then I really hope you'll abandon the Hooter Hider (ARGH I HATE THAT NAME!) Breastfeeding is natural and can be plenty discreet no matter where you are, or what you're wearing. And people (especially your DH!) just need to get used to it, if they even notice. So the more mamas out there nursing without hiding, the better.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
305 Posts
I don't understand the ignorance of some people! My husband and I know I am truly blessed, is very happy that we are nursing. Then again, he didn't mind the last time. It saves us a ton of money, there are really no bottles to fix, inconvenience is non-existant so why do we women have to defend the choice to breastfeed? I would NEVER hide out in a car. You do what you feel is right for you and ds. Hubbie will either have to get on board or sort out HIS issues with it. This is not something to fight about. You have enough stress with a newborn, your body still working overtime to produce adequate milk supply, healing from pregnancy/labor/delivery. Explain to him all of these things if you are up to it. If not, continue to feed baby and ignore your hubbie's feelings to it. (That is just me and easier said than done, I know). My husband did need a wake up call last night as I was having a major emotional meltdown about many issues I had been letting build and build. YK, what he said to me? He said that sometimes he just needs me to grab his attention. I told him that I had tried but felt he wasn't listening. He said "Make me listen". Some men just need you to completely melt before they get it. Maybe, yours needs this too...It took me sobbing really hard before he stopped and said "Are you ok?" and I told him "No, I am NOT ok..." and I continued from there. I think that sometimes our partners think we can do it all and they tend to forget that we are human, too and have times that we can't be Superwoman. Let us know if there is anything we can do for you, Strongfeather. Squeezies!
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top