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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Help! We had a bad, bad, very bad day yesterday! I don't know that I can argue over anything else today... we did good just putting on UNDERWEAR yesterday - never did get to the clothes part. I know that you all can't do much to help but writing it here for people to read that understands will help the most I think. By the way he is still sleeping this morning - 10 am!! Miracles never cease! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"> Now that hes 3 some things are better but some are worse. I feel that I am getting emotionally drained and unable to recharge (I have a 6m old also that requires a lot of attn too) I know I am not being as loving as I can be with anyone and it is wearing on the whole family. It also doesn't help that miss AF is coming around soon <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> Geeze I am a mess aren't I? LOL<br><br>
Do other DH's or SO's support the ideas of gentle discipline or using other methods to "channel" the energies of a SC? Dh is just like ds so he gets frustrated faster and spanks.... I am not liking that and tell him - I have been trying to hold my tongue until Izac isn't there to hear so he still respects his daddys discipline. But we have been going over the Spirited child book and workbook together to try and find other solutions but he still resorts to spanking. Any suggestions?<br><br>
Well, I have to go for now baby woke up.... thanks for "listening" to me ramble!<br><br><br>
Sarah
 

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Sarah, I really feel for you! If I could hug you right now I would. This is me sending you some love ------------> <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> . I too have a spirited child and it IS difficult to make it through the day sometimes, let alone do it without losing my temper(especially with AF on the way). I think you and DH need to have a good heart to heart here. If you aren't parenting the same way or at least very similar to each other, your children are not getting the consistency that they need. Spirited children especially need consistency in their daily routines or NOTHING will be accomplished and everyone feels the effects of that. Once you and DH sit down and formulate a plan for discipline, maybe sit down with your older son. My daughter is also 3 so I know that sometimes you CAN speak to them about their discipline. Maybe you, DH, and your son can sit down together and make a chart for discipline? Just a thought. Maybe ds could be presented with a situation and come up with the consequence for that. For example, hitting his brother could result in having a time out if you use them or maybe he needs to apologize and do something nice for his little brother. If he watches tv, maybe a certain misdoing requires no tv for the day. Or maybe tv could be used for positive reinforcement as in, "honey you have done such a wonderful job following the rules and being gentle today that you may watch this movie"(pick a 15minute cartoon or other approved viewing material). It's great that you are keeping your cool when DH spanks ds and speaking to him about it later. that's great that you won't contradict each other in front of ds. BUT you need to parent the same also so your son knows what to expect from each day and each parent. You also sound like you need a break so you can come back refreshed. Is there a relative or friend who could watch your babies so you can get out for an hour or so? Maybe you could do a girl's night out while DH has the kids? Anything. I know that if I don't get to go out once a month or so, I am a crazy woman!!!! My dad watches M and I get to go out with my mom and two friends and we scrapbook one night every 3-4 weeks or so. It's a special Madyson-Papa night as we call it. They pick out a short movie and make snacks and play on M's swing set and stay up late. Then I come home and wake up my dad(he ALWAYS falls asleep in my bed putting M to sleep!) and snuggle my baby. I'm refreshed and ready to deal with the next thing she tosses my way. I really think that might help you!<br>
Good luck.<br>
Meg<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
 

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((HUGS)) We have a spirited one here too. There's a great book that saved our lives and sanity, Raising Your Spirited Child. The first few chapters are so-so but then it starts talking about easy transitions, discipline, how to avoid blowups, etc.<br><br>
There are a couple yahoo groups about spirited children as well, and I found them very helpful.<br><br>
Good luck and hope you have a better day!<br><br>
Darshani<br><br>
edited: Oh I see you have read the SC book already. For our dd we've had to employ some less gentle discipline. Never ever spanking or shaming, but we use time-out with great success. We just have to be very consistent and not give an inch if locked in a power struggle.<br><br>
Like last week she was fighting nap time and was way overly tired. So I told her she had to stay in her bed or time out. This was after trying to lie down with her but she kicked me and I'm pg. Big no-no. So she first slid her foot down to where the toe was touching the floor. Time out. Then "fell" out of bed. Time out. Dropped her blankie on the floor on purpose and got out to get it. Time out. It took 5 time outs before she finally got it. I sat with her until she calmed down and then she finally went to sleep. Guess what? She now will not fight bedtime at all and settles down quite nicely for both naps and at night. I just had to be consistent and not give in when she was testing me.<br><br>
With getting dressed, maybe make it a game and sing a song about putting on the clothes. If that doesn't work use reverse psychology, "Okay, no shirt today. You can't wear your shirt." Or "you can hold it but no putting it on." I'll bet he'll be begging to wear the shirt before long! Another thing-- let him choose between 2 shirts. If you have to go somewhere mention stopping for a treat on the way home and make it interesting for him. Then if he doesn't wear the shirt say, "Okay then we'll wait for Daddy to come home, and you can stay here while baby and I go and get a treat."<br><br>
Dd is very aware of dh and I disagreeing about her discipline, so we have made a pact to never disagree in front of her, and to align our strategies so we can be consistent with her. Dh is softer than I am on her because he's not around most of the time. He's started reading SC and things are really improving now.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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I just wanted to post some more strategies for you after reading the SC book last night. Give lots of warning to put the shirt on, like "After this video" or "after breakfast we will get dressed. We will put your shirt on, your pants, etc." Sometimes this works really well for Abi but if it's a power struggle, sometimes not.<br><br>
The other thing is to make a game out of putting the shirt on fast. I will sing "This is the way we . . ." and add the desired action. I will start out slow and sing it faster and faster and by the end she's scrambling to put her shirt on.<br><br>
These are more positive than my other examples-- I was tired and not thinking fully when I posted yesterday.<br><br>
Darshani
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you so much for the virtual hugs and concern! I was thinking that one of the reasons why ds is acting up more than usual is that I have a friend visiting... while he likes her it still disrupts his "normal" routine and he is not good with change. I just have been reading the SC book for a little under a month so I am still learning the tips and tricks - although I already have been using some of them before. One thing about ds is that he does not respond to reverse psycology, he looks at me like I'm a fool!<br><br>
Darshani - I was wondering how you did a time out? Do they consist of her staying in bed or what? I am trying to figure those out still - he will just scream bloody murder if I put him in his bedroom not even closing the door - man, if we close the door forget it! its an all out war then!!! I have been using the couch as a time out spot and it really depends on how bad the fit is whether or not it works.<br><br><br>
I do find that on certain days just a lot a lot of love works wonders! If he is just having a hard time with everything, I drop all my things regardless and hold him and kiss him till he is calm again. Then he says ok mama, ok mama, I see you now. It helps him regain his focus I guess.<br><br>
DH and I had a talk about discipline and I told him that I thought we had agreed on the no spankings rule even before he was born (which we had) and he says well he needs them. I told him that he does need discipline but spankings he takes way to personally and they are not working on him anyways. I counted the number of times he either hit or pinched (very mature huh?) ds one day and it frightened me so I told him so and then how never have I once seen dh try another method of discipline, ie time outs, talking, etc. and he realized it also. So he agreed to read the SC book to help find other methods that might work. We have to realize that its not going to be instantly fixed on either sides and if he resorts to spanking not to get discouraged but to keep trying.<br><br>
Meg - thank you for your ideas also. I need to keep focused on the good and using such things as treats, etc. While I don't want to bribe (although thats what works sometimes!) rewarding his good behavior is a must. When we have good time I am trying to remember to commend him for acting nicely.<br><br>
Actually its ironic that my friend is here because I KNOW she was a SC! I told her a little about it and she says man I wish my mom would of had that book! He dad still calls her little shit.... ahhh the power of labels. She has been working well with Izac and takes him outside, or dresses him up when she sees me getting frustrated or him about to go over the edge. Its just hard right now with having the baby where I can't focus all my attn on Izac - like when he is about to go off on a tangent I'm usually nurising or something where I can't do anything and I feel so helpless so then I loose it also. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"><br><br>
Sorry I am wrambling on here.... I actually have a chance to as one is napping and Izac is playing like an angel by himself drawing me pretty pictures! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
Thanks so much for being there and helping with all your loving words. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
Sarah
 
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