[CalebsMama05]

long story short...(for those who haven't heard my story) my stbx and I got together vday 2002, became pregnant that aug/sept and m/c in october...we then broke up (his choice) and got back together a month or so later...we had been on and off for a few years and were actually *off* when I managed to convince him that I really wanted to be a mama and wanted to have his baby etc etc. he agreed to try for a couple of months (no go) and then the month after we stopped ttc, we did it ONCE and my 17month old came into being

the plan had always been for him to have a periphery role at best as I felt he wasn't very mature (and from the looks of it he wasn't likely to mature) and I was comfortable in my role as a SMBC. after ds#1 was born he acted like it shocked him into growing up and I like an idiot took it hook line and sinker and we got married last July. by January we were pregnant again (yay) and he decided the whole *being a grown up* thing just wasn't for him. since then he's been in and out (mostly out) and i've carried the financial burden completely on my own at my nearly min wage job (i make $6.50/hr).

today he actually came over to see the boys like he said last night that he would...and I asked him to take me to walmart as I needed to get some food for Caleb, bigger clothes for Jacob (those growth spurts are sudden!) etc etc. well he says ok and he wants to stop at a friends first. well his friend is a female (doesn't bother me a bit) and she's married (i think) well they both were oohing and aahing over my boys and I was so proud (*I* did that!) and then it happened. they looked at stbx and said:

"good job daddy!"

WTF?!?! what has he DONE, besides donating half their genetic makeup? I mean REALLY?? then she was oohing and aahing at Jacob and saying how crazy she thought *we* were for having them so close together and she said: "wow lucky he wasn't triplets!" (stbx is a triplet) I replied "yeah thank g-d since I am raising and supporting them on my own". and she (i promise this REALLY happened) she looked at him like i was CRAZY! I mean yeah the last time I met her we were married but still...hasn't he told his friends he's getting divorced and doesn't bother with his kids? didn't he bother telling anyone that he has more *important* things to do then actually BE a father? but that's not what bothered me the most...he told her "yeah its hard but so worth it..." um WHAT?!?! what's hard? coming up with an excuse i'll believe as to why you don't give a crap about our boys?

:

then when we got to walmart he ran into more friends and they said the boys were cute (i make gorgeous babies

) and said we were really young to have two kids already...they asked our ages etc. and then I said "yeah it is hard and even more so without any support but I wouldn't change a thing" then i went to rinse off calebs paci and I came back in time to hear him saying the same sort of thing!

this makes me SO MAD! has he actually deluded himself into BELIEVING that he's any kind of a parent? I didn't say anything in front of Caleb (which means not at all) but this really bothers me when it happens. its like they are trophies for him to trot out when its convenient and then put away when he doesn't want to *deal* with them. and....

...I don't like that he's taking credit for *my* work! I've raised these two by myself since January...and mostly by myself before that since sept/oct...and he's acting like he is a father on a daily basis.

I need help to get over this...it shouldn't matter what he says about it but i know these people might actually be respecting him b/cuz they see him and me and our boys and assume he actually gives a crap. aaaahhhhh!

 

[mama40]

: Yeah, my stbx did the same thing recently, talking about how dd knows about cleaning because she sees us doing it. Us? Us? No. There is no us. There is me, with a sponge, and the laundry, and the mop, and the vacuum, and world of cleaning liquids he hasn't even met. And the lies to the outside world are...well, there's some pretty good ones, only he's messed up enough that apparently he believes them to be true, or forgets them, etc., and feels it unfair to call them lies.

I look at it this way: Most people don't care. They really don't. They think it's nice, they're being polite or politically correct, it doesn't cost them anything to think "hey, good dad!" and it makes them feel good. But in the end, they truly don't give a rat's ass. And if your stbx lying about that, he'll be lying about plenty more, which anyone worth hanging around with will eventually figure out.

I am convinced that most of these guys will not tell anyone anything of substance, because it's going to make them look bad.

If it's a matter of "hey, this chick could show up in court and help his joint-custody claim," well, you & your lawyer have to take care of that. But otherwise, you gotta slough it off.

I was out for a run today and suddenly it hit me: Why am I even bothering with the goings-on of this guy's mind? I mean clearly he's deeply troubled, and he shows no sign of changing, and there's no reason for me to keep that kind of company. I can just wish him well, put the rock back gently down on that exposed crawly patch there, and get on with my life.

 

[Jilian]

My ex is famous for that sort of thing, it makes me want to gag. When he has visitation with DS he works and leaves DS with his GF

but he's very to quick to tell everyone how he's a "single dad" and how he raises his son all by himself. YEAH, OK, Keep living in that fantasy world pal.

I swear they do it for the attention and pats on the back they get for it.

Oncemy ex even said "A lot of dads just abandon their children, I at least see my son regularly and do things with him. You're lucky I'm involved" my response "You want a fu**ing pat on the back for doing YOUR JOB?!! Do you see me patting myself on the back for raising my own son? NO! Because it is my duty to him to be his mother, get the hell off your high horse" I REALLY wanted to hit him when he said that.

 

[CalebsMama05]

mama40-usually i just let it roll off me but yesterday for some reason i just couldn't.

Jilian...nice to know i'm not alone. i'm not sure WHY this pushes my buttons so bad but it just does. *sigh*

 

[TAC]

My x not only tells and believes lies about himself, but tells lies about me too. He will tell the world that is listening how I lied to courts and lied to lawyers and everyone around about his past abusive behavior. He is too kind and gentle to ever be abusive. Hah!! I have learned to let it go, becuase eventually, and I've watched it happen, he shoots himself in the foot. People see the real deal eventually. Keep a low profile and watch the fireworks.

What kills me is the dc believing his lies. They come home and tell me what a great dad he is, (ok), they tell me they feel so sorry for him, he has no money. What?? He can't do this/ cant do that, because he has to pay all this money to you.??? None of my daughters friends will come to his house because he is such a nut job. She wants frineds when she is there. I don't understand she says. I can't tell her. Daddy has changed, he's a really good guy now. Should I tell her this good guy was willing to let you go to foster care??

But you keep it to yourself because in the end it all comes around. It's karma...He will get his in the end. Maybe just laugh at him when he says things like that. People will look and wonder. Say "Oops, I"m sorry I couldn't help it, that was really kind of funny"

 

[StephandOwen]

My ex has all of our mutual "friends" (haha.... that word is laughable right now) convinced that I ran off with Owen, I didn't give him any warning, he has no idea where I took Owen, I've never let him see Owen since I left him (a little less than 3 years ago), I never let Owen leave the house because I don't want anyone seeing him, and, of course, I'm abusing Owen but he has no proof because I never let him see Owen so he can't get custody. In other words- he's concocted this whole story that he wants people to believe so they make me into the bad guy and he gets to play the poor dad who is being kept away from the child he so desperately loves and wants to see

It's always interesting when I run into people he's told this story to.

:

 

[Jilian]

I think that sometimes people tell these stories (and actually believe them) because it makes them feel better about themselves. Like in Steph's case: your ex could either believe that he is a turd who is not involved in his child's life at all by his own choice OR he could believe that he is a great dad but he cannot be a dad because you are keeping Owen from him. It's easier for him to believe that he is a good dad because then all the blame falls on you and instead of guilt he gets to feel anger. It's really sick and twisted but I guess it's what he has to make himself believe in order to sleep well at night.

The sad part is that they truly believe the lies they tell themselves.