My father has been mysteriously silent about homeschooling until my child turned 5 and we were half-way into August, you know, when he was finally magically ready to start learning something. *rolls eyes*
My father does mean well, but he's clueless about homeschooling. And he speaks to my grandmother regularly and they worry themselves into a tizzy together; they are obsessive worriers and I'm seeing now that neither is comfortable with homeschooling.
I've tried to type an email to my Dad to address some of his recent exchanges with me. I can't talk about it on the phone or in person, because he gets very defensive and shuts down. He is extremely sensitive and says that I'm "too direct" and that I lack diplomacy. I was wondering if someone could read my email draft and give me brutally honest feedback on it.
Here is the background. My father knows that we are always taking the kids to museums and such but I don't think he values that as "real learning", rather fluff. He knows nearly nothing about homeschooling, schools, or how kids learn to read. My mother did all that stuff when we were kids. After sending the grandparents a ridiculously detailed email describing our homeschool days (unschooling but with a science curric that my son wants to do), I had a phone call with my father. He asked me if I was doing formal stuff, then asked, "What about the 3 Rs?" When I said that my son was on top of that, he said, "Oh, so he reads pretty well then?" When I said that he was not really reading yet, my father then repeatedly asked me, "Wouldn't you say that, of all 3 Rs,that reading is the most important??". I felt like he was questioning me and it upset me.
The next day when we visited, my mother revealed that he was concerned that I cancelled a co-op meeting based on their religious agenda. We're Christians but my father is really fundamental and I am a flaming liberal. He then asked me about Sunday School and seemed pleased that my son attends, like he was giving out approval or something. He tried to sound out "jigsaw puzzle" with my son, which bugged me because I don't want him undermining what we do or give my son a complex about not reading. He also asked me if my almost 3 year old was still breastfeeding. He tried to ask all this in a diplomatic way but it made me feel as though he was digging into my business to see if it met his approval or not.
So, here's the email...be brutal. I just want my father to know that: 1. everything's Ok, 2. this is how we do homeschooling and 3. it's basically none of his business. He's going to be offended no matter how I word it but I'd like to be as diplomatic as possible. What do you think?
This is long, I know. I'm sorry.
"Dear Dad,
I keep thinking about some of our discussions in recent days regarding homeschooling and I find that I cannot get them out of my head. After I sent a detailed kids update with information on one of our typical homeschooling days, you then asked me the next day if we were doing anything formal. I was confused as to why you were asking me this, when I had just typed a lengthy email detailing what we're doing. At any rate, when you then asked, "What about the 3 R's?", I admit that I felt defensive. It's very obvious that you care very much about the kids and want what's best for them and I sincerely appreciate that.. We made the decision to homeschool four years ago and I have spent those four years reading everything relevant that I could get my hands on. So I wanted to reassure you that I have not made any decisions lightly, rather I have made them after researching lots of information.
You asked me several times if I would agree that reading is the most important of the 3Rs. Just because we're not sitting down with Ben and doing formal reading work does not mean that he will not be a fluent reader one day. Just because teachers are giving kids formal reading work does not mean that they will be fluent readers one day. Also, Ben's reading skills are at level. If you were to look at the end-year goals for kindergarten, you would see that fluent reading is not one of them. From what I have read, the most important things that my kids have going for them in the world of reading is: 1. exposure to extensive vocabulary from birth, 2. living in a house full of books with parents who read frequently, 3. being read to frequently, and 4. having good reading comprehension. There have been various studies related to this. The only thing that is left is "decoding" and that is honestly not difficult to do. I have no concerns about the 3Rs. The lack of a formal or school-like day does not mean that we don't encounter the 3Rs. I, personally, find that it's easier to learn and remember things when they are tied to real-life situations. I have, personally, learned more metric from sewing than I ever did in school. We use fractions in cooking and wood-working (and metric). My kids have been like sponges and I have a lot of confidence that they are learning important things, like the 3Rs, just from living and having an enriching home experience.
I think that many people imagine homeschooling as being school within the home. Most homeschoolers, in my understanding, do not practice that. There are many types of homeschooling philosophies. I don't want to recreate school at home, because I don't think it's particularly wonderful (or else my kids would go to school). While I do keep an eye on grade standards, we're not trying to organize our homeschooling by what the schools do. For example, kindergarten has a big segment on learning to identify money. We're not doing that. I have never met an adult who didn't know what a dime was or how to count money. There are so many "school" things that are learned through simple real-life applications.
Homeschooling frees us up to learn what we need and what interests us. So, Ben is able to learn chemistry that would not be taught until 4th or 5th grade. In simply doing our chemistry stuff, we are dealing with reading, art (he draws the stuff), writing (I help him write words like "molecules"), history, and critical thinking. He does this because he loves it. If he doesn't feel like doing it, we don't do it. I follow his cues and help him feed his interests. In feeding his interests, we often find that we run across many "subject areas". We see interesting things on television, in books, on the Internet and in real life (e.g. Indian cultural festival) that prompt questions, tangents and meaningful discussion. It does not look like school but I would argue that it's as effective or more so. And most importantly, he associates this stuff with "fun" instead of "I have to do it because Ms. Smith says there's a test on it tomorrow." So, he retains a high level of self-motivation and a love of learning that will serve him very well in life.
The school schedule looks so comprehensive and impressive, because there is a lot of input. They teach so many things for many hours of the day. But no one is really on the other side checking the output, to see if the kids are actually retaining what they're being taught in the long-run. In looking at the school schedule, you'll also notice that they repeat many of same things over and over each year, because it's not being learned the first time. So, that's another reason why we're not trying to match the school schedule. To be completely honest with you, dh and I were discussing this last year and he asserted that he has never used anything he learned in K-12 in the work world…except for basic reading and math. I thought about it and I came out with reading/writing, which I would have done in any kind of school environment. To get into college, you take the SAT, which measures basic skills. I honestly did not use what I was taught in K-12 in college, other than basic reading and writing. I would bet $100 that if I pulled 10 random people off the street and gave them an elementary school test across all subjects, that most of those people would not score well. Can you remember the difference between an isthmus and a peninsula? Can you describe what a dangling participle is? Can you manually solve the square root of 3? Can you explain what the Rosetta Stone is and what its historical significance is? Do you remember what happened at the Battle of Thermopylae? And more importantly, have you ever used any of these in the work world? People learn what they need and what is interesting to them. My kids will do both, but not based on an arbitrary school schedule. Again, the input looks impressive but is the output the same? That's a lot of time spent learning stuff that a kid doesn't like and will never use. Instead, we fill our days with real-life learning and with things that are exciting to us.
I want to reassure you that I have read about this for the past 4 years, that I have met many other homeschoolers and asked a lot of questions and that I have put a tremendous amount of thought behind it. I want to reassure you that we're keeping an eye on the kids to make sure that they learn what the need and that they are not at a disadvantage. I wanted to share some of the things we've learned. I wanted to remark that we go to cultural festivals, museums, libraries and a variety of programs on a frequent basis, places that the schools would only give them access to once or twice a year. My kids have had access to a variety of educational toys since toddlerhood, including puzzles, building toys, math manipulatives, and science materials. They have a very enriching home environment in which to learn and they get out in the community frequently as well.
So, it's not school, it doesn't look like school and I'm not doing "school at home". But from four years of reading, I'm confident that it's better than school. I am extremely confident that this is the best thing for my kids and I back that confidence up with lots of research.
With regard to the co-op meeting I skipped, I'm not really interested in a co-op. I entertained attending because Ben wanted some sort of class experience. I am not seeking outside tutoring or co-ops or school substitutes, as a general rule. I just keep my eyes open for things that look like they would be interesting in general. As Mom told you, I was not happy about the co-op teaching from a religious foundation. I want you to try to imagine your child being taught science from the perspective of <insert religion he disagrees with> and then you can imagine my discomfort with someone I don't know teaching my 5 year old religious beliefs that I may not agree with. That is my decision to make, of course.
Also, you asked, "He's not still doing sides, is he?" with regard to Thomas. There's really no diplomatic way to say that "sides" are between me and Tommy, dh and our pediatrician. I don't want to discuss it with anyone else, because it's personal. I mean that it in the nicest possible way, but I just don't to be put on the spot about something so personal. It's not something I would openly discuss outside my immediate family and pediatrician's care.
I would be more than happy to answer any questions that you have about homeschooling. I really mean that. But I don't want to be put in the position of defending our choices (e.g. What about the 3Rs?) or justifying why we're doing stuff in a particular way. This is what we're doing and we feel extremely confident about it. If anyone feels uncomfortable with it, then I respect that, but I'm not seeking approval. "
Thank you so much if you've waded through all this!!
My father does mean well, but he's clueless about homeschooling. And he speaks to my grandmother regularly and they worry themselves into a tizzy together; they are obsessive worriers and I'm seeing now that neither is comfortable with homeschooling.
I've tried to type an email to my Dad to address some of his recent exchanges with me. I can't talk about it on the phone or in person, because he gets very defensive and shuts down. He is extremely sensitive and says that I'm "too direct" and that I lack diplomacy. I was wondering if someone could read my email draft and give me brutally honest feedback on it.
Here is the background. My father knows that we are always taking the kids to museums and such but I don't think he values that as "real learning", rather fluff. He knows nearly nothing about homeschooling, schools, or how kids learn to read. My mother did all that stuff when we were kids. After sending the grandparents a ridiculously detailed email describing our homeschool days (unschooling but with a science curric that my son wants to do), I had a phone call with my father. He asked me if I was doing formal stuff, then asked, "What about the 3 Rs?" When I said that my son was on top of that, he said, "Oh, so he reads pretty well then?" When I said that he was not really reading yet, my father then repeatedly asked me, "Wouldn't you say that, of all 3 Rs,that reading is the most important??". I felt like he was questioning me and it upset me.
The next day when we visited, my mother revealed that he was concerned that I cancelled a co-op meeting based on their religious agenda. We're Christians but my father is really fundamental and I am a flaming liberal. He then asked me about Sunday School and seemed pleased that my son attends, like he was giving out approval or something. He tried to sound out "jigsaw puzzle" with my son, which bugged me because I don't want him undermining what we do or give my son a complex about not reading. He also asked me if my almost 3 year old was still breastfeeding. He tried to ask all this in a diplomatic way but it made me feel as though he was digging into my business to see if it met his approval or not.
So, here's the email...be brutal. I just want my father to know that: 1. everything's Ok, 2. this is how we do homeschooling and 3. it's basically none of his business. He's going to be offended no matter how I word it but I'd like to be as diplomatic as possible. What do you think?
This is long, I know. I'm sorry.
"Dear Dad,
I keep thinking about some of our discussions in recent days regarding homeschooling and I find that I cannot get them out of my head. After I sent a detailed kids update with information on one of our typical homeschooling days, you then asked me the next day if we were doing anything formal. I was confused as to why you were asking me this, when I had just typed a lengthy email detailing what we're doing. At any rate, when you then asked, "What about the 3 R's?", I admit that I felt defensive. It's very obvious that you care very much about the kids and want what's best for them and I sincerely appreciate that.. We made the decision to homeschool four years ago and I have spent those four years reading everything relevant that I could get my hands on. So I wanted to reassure you that I have not made any decisions lightly, rather I have made them after researching lots of information.
You asked me several times if I would agree that reading is the most important of the 3Rs. Just because we're not sitting down with Ben and doing formal reading work does not mean that he will not be a fluent reader one day. Just because teachers are giving kids formal reading work does not mean that they will be fluent readers one day. Also, Ben's reading skills are at level. If you were to look at the end-year goals for kindergarten, you would see that fluent reading is not one of them. From what I have read, the most important things that my kids have going for them in the world of reading is: 1. exposure to extensive vocabulary from birth, 2. living in a house full of books with parents who read frequently, 3. being read to frequently, and 4. having good reading comprehension. There have been various studies related to this. The only thing that is left is "decoding" and that is honestly not difficult to do. I have no concerns about the 3Rs. The lack of a formal or school-like day does not mean that we don't encounter the 3Rs. I, personally, find that it's easier to learn and remember things when they are tied to real-life situations. I have, personally, learned more metric from sewing than I ever did in school. We use fractions in cooking and wood-working (and metric). My kids have been like sponges and I have a lot of confidence that they are learning important things, like the 3Rs, just from living and having an enriching home experience.
I think that many people imagine homeschooling as being school within the home. Most homeschoolers, in my understanding, do not practice that. There are many types of homeschooling philosophies. I don't want to recreate school at home, because I don't think it's particularly wonderful (or else my kids would go to school). While I do keep an eye on grade standards, we're not trying to organize our homeschooling by what the schools do. For example, kindergarten has a big segment on learning to identify money. We're not doing that. I have never met an adult who didn't know what a dime was or how to count money. There are so many "school" things that are learned through simple real-life applications.
Homeschooling frees us up to learn what we need and what interests us. So, Ben is able to learn chemistry that would not be taught until 4th or 5th grade. In simply doing our chemistry stuff, we are dealing with reading, art (he draws the stuff), writing (I help him write words like "molecules"), history, and critical thinking. He does this because he loves it. If he doesn't feel like doing it, we don't do it. I follow his cues and help him feed his interests. In feeding his interests, we often find that we run across many "subject areas". We see interesting things on television, in books, on the Internet and in real life (e.g. Indian cultural festival) that prompt questions, tangents and meaningful discussion. It does not look like school but I would argue that it's as effective or more so. And most importantly, he associates this stuff with "fun" instead of "I have to do it because Ms. Smith says there's a test on it tomorrow." So, he retains a high level of self-motivation and a love of learning that will serve him very well in life.
The school schedule looks so comprehensive and impressive, because there is a lot of input. They teach so many things for many hours of the day. But no one is really on the other side checking the output, to see if the kids are actually retaining what they're being taught in the long-run. In looking at the school schedule, you'll also notice that they repeat many of same things over and over each year, because it's not being learned the first time. So, that's another reason why we're not trying to match the school schedule. To be completely honest with you, dh and I were discussing this last year and he asserted that he has never used anything he learned in K-12 in the work world…except for basic reading and math. I thought about it and I came out with reading/writing, which I would have done in any kind of school environment. To get into college, you take the SAT, which measures basic skills. I honestly did not use what I was taught in K-12 in college, other than basic reading and writing. I would bet $100 that if I pulled 10 random people off the street and gave them an elementary school test across all subjects, that most of those people would not score well. Can you remember the difference between an isthmus and a peninsula? Can you describe what a dangling participle is? Can you manually solve the square root of 3? Can you explain what the Rosetta Stone is and what its historical significance is? Do you remember what happened at the Battle of Thermopylae? And more importantly, have you ever used any of these in the work world? People learn what they need and what is interesting to them. My kids will do both, but not based on an arbitrary school schedule. Again, the input looks impressive but is the output the same? That's a lot of time spent learning stuff that a kid doesn't like and will never use. Instead, we fill our days with real-life learning and with things that are exciting to us.
I want to reassure you that I have read about this for the past 4 years, that I have met many other homeschoolers and asked a lot of questions and that I have put a tremendous amount of thought behind it. I want to reassure you that we're keeping an eye on the kids to make sure that they learn what the need and that they are not at a disadvantage. I wanted to share some of the things we've learned. I wanted to remark that we go to cultural festivals, museums, libraries and a variety of programs on a frequent basis, places that the schools would only give them access to once or twice a year. My kids have had access to a variety of educational toys since toddlerhood, including puzzles, building toys, math manipulatives, and science materials. They have a very enriching home environment in which to learn and they get out in the community frequently as well.
So, it's not school, it doesn't look like school and I'm not doing "school at home". But from four years of reading, I'm confident that it's better than school. I am extremely confident that this is the best thing for my kids and I back that confidence up with lots of research.
With regard to the co-op meeting I skipped, I'm not really interested in a co-op. I entertained attending because Ben wanted some sort of class experience. I am not seeking outside tutoring or co-ops or school substitutes, as a general rule. I just keep my eyes open for things that look like they would be interesting in general. As Mom told you, I was not happy about the co-op teaching from a religious foundation. I want you to try to imagine your child being taught science from the perspective of <insert religion he disagrees with> and then you can imagine my discomfort with someone I don't know teaching my 5 year old religious beliefs that I may not agree with. That is my decision to make, of course.
Also, you asked, "He's not still doing sides, is he?" with regard to Thomas. There's really no diplomatic way to say that "sides" are between me and Tommy, dh and our pediatrician. I don't want to discuss it with anyone else, because it's personal. I mean that it in the nicest possible way, but I just don't to be put on the spot about something so personal. It's not something I would openly discuss outside my immediate family and pediatrician's care.
I would be more than happy to answer any questions that you have about homeschooling. I really mean that. But I don't want to be put in the position of defending our choices (e.g. What about the 3Rs?) or justifying why we're doing stuff in a particular way. This is what we're doing and we feel extremely confident about it. If anyone feels uncomfortable with it, then I respect that, but I'm not seeking approval. "
Thank you so much if you've waded through all this!!
