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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For as long as I can remember I have had this problem. I call it a "dark" personality. To be honest it's the way I am and I have grown up with it and in the past is has not been much of a problem. Except when I come here. This forum is full of light and space and makes me feel quite different and "nice". It's hard for me to express the euphoria of being here and reading the love and caring you express for each other. The friends I have all say I am quiet, I have been called spooky, weird and scary (but not in a good way). I have never had a "real" girlfriend. The few female relationships I do have seem to end poorly. I was raised to be self-reliant. That sounds like a good thing right? It's not. The oddest thing is in the back of my mind it seems like everything is a weapon. Everything I look at or touch can be used to kill people and somehow I instinctively know how to use it. The sad thing is I am not a violent person. Other than a fight or two in middle school I have never been in a fight. I would never think if striking a Woman. I am a good person… I just have this darkness about me and I don't know how to get out of this situation. Sometime I feel normal in it but then I see other people in loving relationships and I think why not me.

Help.
 

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There is medication for this.

I was similar that way - time bomb, trying to figure out what's a weapon and what is not, etc.

It's a chemical imbalance. Medication will sort that out. You will literally be a different person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Please understand i can't take drugs. They don't work well in my system.
it seems like everything more powerful than aspirin causes severe side effects.

There has got to be another way.
 

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I dealt with a lot of the same issues in the past .. and honestly? I'm sure any advice I'd have to give would be a repeat of things you've heard over and over again. Self-reliance is a good thing, or can be, to a degree, but it's a long, slow and lonely road to travel - sooner or later you're going to have to trust someone else, and let them in. Life is so full of give and take .. and sometimes, it's hard to do both at the same time.

Are you happy with yourself? At all? No relationship will ever be truly fully functional until you've learned to love yourself .. which all goes back to trust.

I know you say that you can't take drugs/medications .. but if you want to PM me, or msg me on aim/yahoo/icq/wherever, feel free to - I may be able to suggest non-"drug" treatments for you - because they're the only thing that's worked for me.

Some people are just "made" our way .. it doesn't make them less of a person - learning to accept ourselves is the hardest tast we face - "it isn't safe, and it often hurts, but it beats being dead."

Heidi.
 

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Hi,

I'm new to the forum, but this topic really speaks to me, so I thought I'd put my two cents in. I've always been plagued by the kind of "two-people-in-one-body" thing you're describing. Only people really close to me see it (my wife, mostly). People at work think I'm a friendly, open, outgoing, happy guy. But I have a lot of darkness in me.

If you can't take drugs to help your situation, I suggest art. I've tried writing (prose, poetry and music), sculpture and drawing. I'm not saying the stuff I've come up with is on par with Da Vinci or anything, but it does work.

The music I write is mostly where my anger ends up. I haven't worked with music for a long time, and it definitely bottles up. I get short-tempered, impatient with the kids, can't concentrate, can't focus. I can't take drugs either; if I did, I would lose my job. Having a creative outlet for those dark feelings can really help. Whatever you choose, it can be your own private thing. You don't have to show it to anybody. It's just for you.

I hope this helps. Right there with you, man. We all have a dark side. I think DaednuSO is right. At least some of it is just body chemistry. We still have a nice wide violent streak in us; since we don't really need it for survival, it has to go somewhere.
 

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Hmmmm... just a guess here: you're a repressed creative. I think you need an outlet to express the darkness, particularly the "weapon" part. It's much easier to destroy things and take a life than it is to love someone and build something positive. Another guess: this isn't so much about you as much as it is that you are, for whatever reason, very receptive to the sheer volum of negative energy that has increased in the world. I know that sounds new agey and all, but the world we're in now is dramatically different than just 20 years ago. You just won't ever read about it. The revolution most definitely is not going to be televised.

Any chance you have something in your past that just over the top humiliated you 308wood? Something that was never resolved inside but most definitely teed you off, but you shove it down and yet it must manifest itself until you say otherwise.
 

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The only advice i can give is that it's all about how you deal with things. If you are upset about these people or with your self and dont do anything to change it, things will never change. If you think that things are never going to change, it can lead you in to some deep deppression my friend and that is not good for anyone.
Just remember its your thoughts and actions that make you feel how you feel. Try putting things into a different perspective and deal with them in a new way. Good luck!
 

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I've been through therapy twice -- once for severe depression and suicidal tendencies; once for major anger issues. It took lots of work each time (2 diff locations) to find a good therapist, and I have since learned that both were therapists with a Cognitive Behavioral approach (as opposed to psychotherapy), and both had PhD's. It is AMAZING what an impact these two people had on my life in a short timespan, as opposed to other therapists I saw much longer who were big losers.

Sorry, I'm not a dad, but wanted to answer this post.
 
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