Mothering Forum banner

need help with "opposite girl"

633 Views 1 Reply 2 Participants Last post by  L.J.
My Dd will be 3 in december. She has always been very independent and strong willed. She resists help, doesn't frustrate easily, she'll try and try to do something until she gets it or decides to move on to something else, she often says, "im too little" and shrugs her shoulders when all attempts to say, open a locked door or something fail her. That is her temperment.

We are facing a ton of changes including her dad and I splitting and her and I moving into a nother house. SHe has not seen a lot of fighting between us or anything, but she has heard discussions that were hard to have and emotionally loaded.

To assert some control over this chaos and vulnerability, she has become totally defiant, whenever I need her help to do something or even when it is something she usually likes. She has just decided everything is stupid that I say, or is devestating. I feel like I have betrayed her and this is how she is coping. ALso, she is hitting other kids at parks and our co-op group. She is throwing things at me and her dad and really acting out.

We are in a crisis. I want her to trust me again and to let down her "toughness" She isn't even 3 and she is stiffyling her feelings. I feel horrible. I need some help regaining what we had. I do not hit her, try my best to gd, although I am more wishy washy then I need to be with setting limits that will help her. I have tried to articulate for her, what she might be feeling when acting out. Saying things like, "if you need more room say move please..don't hit it hurts feelings and is not ok" and the like.

We have spent a lot more time doing stuff at home together and I have put on hold a lot of activities like playgroups and swimming lessons because she needs time to just cuddle and relax. I need help making it through this! any suggestion??

See less See more
1 - 2 of 2 Posts
dancingbear -
I've read another of your posts and I know this is a difficult time for you and your daughter. I became a single mom when my son was 3 as well and I do understand some of the struggles you are facing.

I think the best thing you can do to build have your daughter trust you is to continue to be there for her. It may take time, but she will see you being a constant, loving force in her life and I believe she'll come around again. In the mean time, (and I know it may be hard), but remember it's not about you. She has to feel what she's going through. Just help her through it.

I think it's great that you see her behaviour is linked to the chaos in her world right now. She may be trying to gain some control over things. Be gentle & patient (as best you can.....and remember you are human too).

I wanted to suggest something further to your comments. When I read that she's started to say things like, "I'm too little" I would guess that she's projecting how she feels about the whole move & divorce onto everything around her. She feels "too little" to stop the move & stop the divorce, so she's expressing that in other ways. I think that our toddlers, for the most part, believe they have control over us & our home. For her to suddenly have things change must feel pretty scary for her & quite a realization that she really doesn't have any control over what's happening to her right now (the move & divorce). And these things are probably the 2 biggest things in her must be a bit scary for her.

What I have done with my boys is empower them by letting them know they always have control & choice over themselves. They may not have the power to change a situation, but they can choose how they deal with it. That is always in their control. I have done this by example & also talking to them about it. My son said he didn't want to move & I listened & honoured his feelings and then explained that we had to move and that he could make a choice to feel happy about it or was his choice.

My kids are little too & it's an on-going thing. I wouldn't expect that you'd see changes immediately in your daughter, but over time, it could really empower her. It may be a "large" concept, but I think kids really get alot more than we give them credit. I know my kids get it -- even if it's just a little bit.

I hope something I've said may help. If not, just know that another single mom is out there and willing to listen or help if possible. Be gentle & patient both with yourself & your daughter.

Sending you peace & love ~ L.J.
See less See more
1 - 2 of 2 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.