[Overproducktion]

Hi,

My youngest son Hunter is 2.5 yrs old. Since our new daughter arrived July 15th 2003 he has been throwing tantrums. He will scream at the top of his lungs and he can go on for almost an hour. If me or his dad or his brothers try to help him he will hit, kick, spit and even bite.

I was grocery shopping yesterday and all hell broke loose. He wanted a toy truck but I made him put it back when we got to the cash registar. He started screaming of course, which woke up his sister who was in her sling. So I had TWO screaming.

Then he unbuckled himelf from the cart and tried to jump out. Since I didn't want him to hurt himself I put him down on the ground. I paid while he screamed at my feet. Then I tried to leave the store but he just laid there and yelled. I couldn't pick him up because he would thrash around and hurt the baby. One of the employees asked if I would like some help. I said yes, so she picked up Hunter and started to help me out the store. Hunter started hitting her and screaming at her. She said she didn't mind--she has 6 kids and she is used to it. God Bless her.

I finally got him into the van and he screamed at the top of his lungs the whole way home. I started crying myself as soon as I was out of the parking lot. I had to cover my ears as did my other children. While my newborn daughter had to suffer and listen to him--I am hoping that it doesn't damage her hearing. Any way this is just an example of what happens every day!!

Usually when he throws a tantrum I hold him and rock him, but this hasn't been working. I have been running errands with just him, so that he gets some one on one time. After the other kids are in bed I love on him and read to him. I AM LOST on what to do. My other boys never did this. I thought that I had prepared him well for the birth of his sister--but I was wrong. ANY suggestions would be helpful. Some times I feel that he doesn't love me any more--where did my sweet little baby boy go?

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Have you tried ignoring it? I mean, in a positive way. The most powerful tool we have is our attention. My 4 YO is having some temper/screaming issues too (also connected with a new sibling). I say "I will talk to you when you stop screaming" and walk (a little ways) away. I don't interact with him, I don't look at him, nothing until he stops screaming. As soon as he does stop, I return my attention to him, and praise something (like getting himself under control). This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it is possible. If you need to put it into a "natural consequences model, just realize that no one wants to be screamed at so you tune it out.) At the same time, when he isn't screaming I try to give him as much attention as possible.

The only real "trick" here is that you have to do this every, single time he has a screaming fit. If you give him attention one time and not the next, he'll keep trying. In fact, it might get even worse because sometimes it works, so he'll do it more frequently. Also, any other caregiver has to be consistant with it too. Be prepared for the fact that it will get a worse before it gets better because he'll test your new limits.

Practice this at home, and maybe try to shop without him for a little while until things are more under control. Good luck!

 

[Overproducktion]

yeah, I think you are right. Maybe I should try and ignore him and then be ther for him when he has calmed down. If I try to help him during a tantrum I get hit or scratched. I will give it a try. Thank you so much!

 

[sparklemom]

I would say next time buy him the truck.
And I would not ignore him when he gets upset.

He's obviously having a very hard time right now (as are you).

I go to stores only when I absolutely have to. I order groceries online and save any errands that I can for after my dh gets home and I can go alone.

Dd2 is 2 1/2 years also and going shopping in any capacity is just too much for her (really me) right now. She doesn't do anything "wrong"---looking at the world from her point of view I can understand why she wants to touch and pick up so much and why she finds an item(s) she can't part with and why she wants to stay longer than I do...

I don't feel right bullying her through the store, essentially scolding her for doing what's completely natural for a child her age (and temperment plays a lot here too).

Some would say "well she HAS to learn!" Well, guess what, she WILL learn when SHE'S ready just as she learned to walk and talk when she was ready.

In the meantime I have done my best to rearrange my conveniences until she matures and is ready for such outings again. And when we do venture out I do my best to repect her and see things from her perspective, after all I am the adult.

I empathize with your frustration and feel for your son as well. Give both of you a break as much as possible. Hang in there!

 

[Katana]

I have such sympathy for you. Shopping with multiple kids is so hard. Especially when they are little. Especially when they are in stores with toys.

Plus your ds sounds like he might be taking some extra time to adjust to your new dd. It's going to be okay, he'll get used to her, he really will. You're in a hard place right now.

For a while, I just couldn't take ds to any store where there were toys. Or if he was even the littlest bit tired. Or out of sorts. He was a screamer too.

I started shopping at night, like around midnight, at 24 hour stores, just so I wouldn't have to take him with. Yes, it was the chicken's way out, but I had no other idea on how to handle it.

I was that mom in the store that everyone was looking at and thinking, why doesn't she control her kids better, why doesn't she make him stop screaming?

Trying to pretend it wasn't happening never worked. Ds has swimmer lungs and can scream for two hours straight if he wants. And he has that high pitched shriek going that makes your ears ring.

My two are older now, 4.5 and 3, and I feel so bad sometimes for doing this, but if they make it through the whole store with out some kind of fit, I'll buy them something from the checkout aisle shelves.

Or I let them carry a balloon through the whole store or something they want to hold, with the understanding that it has to 'live' at the store and can't come home with us. But they can have it for the half an hour it takes me to shop, just to hold.

It works, most of the time. But I still can't take ds if he's tired. He always has a meltdown. And I just have to carry him out, kicking and screaming.

I console myself with, if the people glaring at me had to parent him, they'd be handling him a whole lot less gently and patiently than I am. So until they walk in my shoes, I don't care.

Hang in there, mama.

 

[Overproducktion]

Thanks every one so much! You are all so understanding. I got some great ideas from this posting. I think what bugs me the most is all of the people looking at me and thinking that I am a mom with no control. I can just feel their eyes on me. I am trying to change me schedule to fit his needs. (Last night I went to the store with JUST him) he loved the one on one attention and didn't throw a single fit in the store. Thanks again--every one!!

 

[TranscendentalMom]

Quote:

Originally posted by sparklemom I would say next time buy him the truck. And I would not ignore him when he gets upset.

Buy him the truck? So, you're supposed to do everything the child wants so they don't pitch a fit???

Sorry, I totally disagree with that. That is making the child the boss of the parent and I have seen disastrous consequences when that happens. It actually makes children feel unsafe.

I think the person that said to ignore him meant ignore the screaming and tantrum throwing, that's different from ignoring a child when they are upset. I've seen my neice stop crying when her mother was ignoring a tantrum and then start again when her mom looked at her....as if she were acting. She was not upset at all, only acting it.

 

[sparklemom]

firstimemom,
isn't a child who is screaming and tantrum throwing the same thing as a child who is upset?? i do not distinguish the two.
i don't see children as "acting" aka manipulating---just limited in their ability to communicate. as they mature their communication skills advance, thus relieving some of their frustration.

what is so offensive about suggesting she buy him the truck? he's simply expressing a natural and healthy desire. we ask a LOT of young children when we take them out shopping. don't touch this....don't touch that....come on let's go....wait a minute.....stay here....leave that alone....stop now....
we, the adult, should try and see things from THEIR perspective and stop expecting them to act like an adult.

i personally strive to avoid an adversarial relationship with my dds. i respect them and they in turn respect me. it's natural and peaceful and i assure you they feel very safe. do i ever feel frustrated....while i'm out shopping, for instance?....you betcha!!! but that is why i do my best to arrange my outings accordingly. is it convenient? nope. but i try hard not to put my dds and myself in situation where there is a high chance for mutual frustration---not because they're manipulative or the "boss" of me, but because they're young children (ages 2 1/2 yrs and 4 yrs) and i respect their natural capabilities and temperments.

happymomwith4, i'm glad to hear you had a positive shopping trip with you son and are trying to arrange the trips accordingly. i can empathize with the inconvenience, but at least we both know it'll only get easier as they get older. and i can also empathize with the feeling that everyone is staring at you. that's no fun and only adds insult to the injury of being in such a frustrating moment.

whenever i see another mom going through a tough moment i feel for the ones who are being patient----but i feel put off by the ones who are just going along ignoring thier child's clear miscontent.

 

[Overproducktion]

I appreciate every ones input! It is neat to see all these different ideas! My poor little guy threw another tantrum today. Thank goodness dh was there to help. I just pray that these tantrums will subside soon. He started screaming so loud today that I started wishing for some socks and some duck-tape. No-not for him--for MY EARS. Wow, that kid can scream. But after about 20 minutes of screaming he let me hold him and rock him to sleep. I've learned to not go shopping during the day, and I try to leave the other kids at home. Extra hugs and stories have been helping to...I think. This to shall pass..........