Need Help with unsupportive family

Izlandia · Nov 10, 2010

I am a 30 year old first time stay at home mom to my currently 6 and a half month old daughter. Since having her I instinctively breastfed, co-slept, no vax, and baby-wore her. My parents were ok with the breastfeeding but it all stops there. Every decision I have made has caused them to ridicule me, yell at me, talk to their friends about me in order to pressure me to change my mind, etc etc. Heaps and heaps of grief for not parenting the way they parented me. I would stand my ground but get so incredibly upset about their lack of support and respect that I would get into screaming matches leaving me feeling horrible emotionally and physically. My husband and I are steadfast on what we decide though.
 
Now that my daughter is 6 months old we are onto the "real food" battle. I am still bfing exclusively but I let her munch on an organic apple just to have fun trying something new. My parents are demanding I start to feed her cereal and pureed food. Some of the things I hear: "You're starving your child." "You need to feed her real food." "Your depriving her of the fun of spoon feeding." "You're making her grow up too fast." "You're being lazy and selfish." "You're breastmilk can't keep up." This has all been even made worse when she went from the 90th percentile to the 40th percentile in weight. Although her doctor was not concerned at all and said this is how most breastfed babies are, they start out high and then go down and she told me not to worry. Despite that my parents became even more adamant and even went out and bought me rice cereal and other foods. Whenever I am at their house they joke about giving her whatever we are eating for dinner. I am really worried about the future when they want to watch her overnight. Fears of them sneaking her M&M's and telling her not to tell mommy...
 
I know what you are all thinking - stop seeing them, ignore them, don't go over there. I have significantly cut down the time I spend with them. Of course that lead to more guilt that I am not letting them see their grandchild. Btw, she is their first and only grandchild currently. 
 
And it gets worse! This Christmas my uncle is renting a resort home for us all to join him for his 50th birthday in Colorado. He also bought everyones plane tickets. And him and his family plus some other members of the family have never met my daughter. So I am going obviously who would pass up a free trip to Colorado? The major downside is as the newest mother in the entire family (28 people) I will have to deal with not only my own mother but her 4 sisters and my grandmother. I am already very anxious about the trip. None of the other mothers parented the way I do. So every thing I am doing is different and I don't think I will be able to handle the scrutiny and criticism (even constructive) that I am going to receive while there. I do not want to ruin my uncles birthday or make him regret gathering us all together. Also, there is a chance my husband won't be able to attend due to work, so I would be on my own. 
 
As far as CLW, I want to just want my daughter to try a new fruit or veggie once a week and have fun with it. Is that ok at 6 months forward? Or should I just stick to breastfeeding? I breastfeed her on demand currently. My husband and I just want what is best for our daughter.
 
 
Do any of you have any advice? I am feeling disrespected, overwhelmed, frustrated and desperate. <img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif">

lkv83 · Nov 11, 2010

What is vax?
At 6 months, breastmilk is enough for you baby. The only thing your breastmilk doesn't have enough of from about now is iron, so start introducing iron-rich foods so that by 9 months she has a reliable source of iron. 
Just ignore your parents. Stay confident. You know best. And, your doc seems to think you're doing just fine.
My baby is 7 months. I also breastfeed on demand. Some days, she nurses 10 times, others 6 or 7. We give her solids for dinner. She eats best when we feed her what we're eating, but we only do that when appropriate. Like our vegetable stew yesterday and roasted chicken and veggies today. Don't force solids on her, but offer them if she seems interested. 
By the way, rice cereal sucks. It totally constipates my babe. I stopped giving it to her.

yarngoddess · Nov 11, 2010

*Sigh* I wish this was easier! I hear this problem so many times...it's so frustrating! You are doing exactly what your baby needs! Good for you! Good for DH for supporting you <img alt="smile.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/smile.gif"> Now...
 
I wouldn't start off by telling you to avoid your family- but that maybe what is inevitable (in the future). If this was me- I would keep all info from the Ped to my self (and DH) meaning not sharing what percentile she's in. Honestly that's none of their business. A simple sentence of her doc is very happy about her being 18lbs already! And leave it at that. The less info they have right now- the better. WHY do you discuss your co-sleeping? delayed solids? vaccination status (vax.)? Some things aren't anyone's business- and these issues, Parenting Styles are private. 
 
Have you heard of Pass the Bean Dip? What it means is this:
 
Grandma: "You are starving her! Let her eat some of that cereal I got her"
You: "She just nursed and is fine, did you get to talk to Aunt Gossip lately?"
Grandma: "You really need to let her eat."
You: "She's just fine, she just nursed. What did Aunt Gossip say the other day?"
 
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat. You can also say "DH and I have made our decision about Vaccination and we aren't discussing it anymore. Were you going to make that pie for Christmas?" Something that makes your point (either passively or aggressively) and change the subject! 
 
You need to set some boundaries with these family members. Have you sat down and talked to your mom? or other family members? Have you explained that just because you are doing things differently does NOT mean that they did a bad job with you- just that they raised you well enough to follow your instinct and parent your own way. If they are adamant that you do things their way- then I would start by saying "I understand your opinion, but I'm the parent now. I'm the one that's making these decisions and they aren't up for debate." You may have to stand strong and follow through with a threat/ultimatum/consequence of taking away time, taking away access to DD if they cannot respect your decisions. 
 
I would talk to your mom BEFORE you head out to this trip. While a free trip to Colorado is awesome- is it really worth it to be in constant drama and stress through out the whole time? Not saying that you need to stay home- but you need to have a game plan before you go. I would go, and I would not debate/discuss my parenting decisions "You don't have to like it, but you need to respect my decisions, as her MOTHER" kind of conversations <img alt="smile.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/smile.gif"> This is NOT going to be easy, but you need to stand your ground! Also you need to not allow them or you to let things explode.Again, not easy!
 
Hang in there mama! I look forward to reading some other advice!

ariatrance · Nov 11, 2010

I don't think this is really an issue of 'what' you are doing as a parent but 'how' you are being treated as a parent. If I were you, I would tell your parents that you are NOT criticizing/commenting on their parenting, you and your husband are making your own instinctual parenting choices because you are NOT your parents and your daughter is NOT you. I would also tell them that right now, their behavior is not something you desire to be around and it is not something you desire your daughter to be around (assuming that you agree with that statement).
 
I have had to limit contact with my passive-aggressive MIL because she repeatedly 'behaved badly' around my kids and I do not desire either of my children to pick up passive-aggressive habits. Yes, these are your parents, your family. But you are a parent now. That trumps everything. You are responsible for your daughter - her life, her health, her emotional growth, everything. It is a big responsibility. If you were to continue as is, what would you be teaching her? That parents can be cruel and dismissive to their children? That she should allow herself to be talked to/treated in such a manner?
 
I am sure this reads as very harsh. It is. You can take a gentle approach, of course, and still get the message across - you will not be treated this way, you will not allow your daughter to be treated this way, you are not a punching bag. You have a right to be seriously and respectfully treated, even if someone disagrees with you. It is called behaving as and expecting to be treated as an adult.
 
As to the Christmas trip, if you really want to go and celebrate with your uncle, do so. However, you have a little over a month to talk to your parents. I would take advantage of this time to remind them that they are not being loving parents or grandparents. Maybe stating it loud and clear will get them to realize they are being horrid and if they are normally kind and thoughtful people, they will be able to help you out with non-supportive extended family (as in, they don't have to agree with you but they don't have to be rude/boorish/cruel either). I wish you luck in establishing and keeping your boundaries, whatever you decide to make them.

Wendlynnn · Nov 11, 2010

I'm so sorry you're going through this. :hugs
 
I agree with setting boundaries and keeping private things private. Also, with your parents, if there are certain issues that you feel will be coming up all the time, you can share your POV through 3rd party support, like your ped or articles online you can share. Point them to "experts" who support your choices (Dr. Sears' site is great). Then tell them you love them and you want them to be in your child's life - and it has to be in a healthy way for you. Maybe you can tell them you understand if it's too challenging to talk about certain subjects in a calm or supportive way, then let's talk about other things. Agree to be neutral if they can't be supportive, but their criticism is pushing you and your daughter away - and you don't want that.
 
Perhaps you can have a problem solving session with them.<a href="http://www.marriageandfamily.ca/documents/Problem_Solving_Talk%5B1%5D.pdf" target="_blank">http://www.marriageandfamily.ca/documents/Problem_Solving_Talk%5B1%5D.pdf</a>
 
Good luck!

momo7 · Nov 11, 2010

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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by yarngoddess <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278363/need-help-with-unsupportive-family#post_16035170"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> *Sigh* I wish this was easier! I hear this problem so many times...it's so frustrating! You are doing exactly what your baby needs! Good for you! Good for DH for supporting you <img alt="smile.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/smile.gif"> Now...
 
I wouldn't start off by telling you to avoid your family- but that maybe what is inevitable (in the future). If this was me- I would keep all info from the Ped to my self (and DH) meaning not sharing what percentile she's in. Honestly that's none of their business. A simple sentence of her doc is very happy about her being 18lbs already! And leave it at that. The less info they have right now- the better. WHY do you discuss your co-sleeping? delayed solids? vaccination status (vax.)? Some things aren't anyone's business- and these issues, Parenting Styles are private. 
 
Have you heard of Pass the Bean Dip? What it means is this:
 
Grandma: "You are starving her! Let her eat some of that cereal I got her"
You: "She just nursed and is fine, did you get to talk to Aunt Gossip lately?"
Grandma: "You really need to let her eat."
You: "She's just fine, she just nursed. What did Aunt Gossip say the other day?"
 
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat. You can also say "DH and I have made our decision about Vaccination and we aren't discussing it anymore. Were you going to make that pie for Christmas?" Something that makes your point (either passively or aggressively) and change the subject! 
 
You need to set some boundaries with these family members. Have you sat down and talked to your mom? or other family members? Have you explained that just because you are doing things differently does NOT mean that they did a bad job with you- just that they raised you well enough to follow your instinct and parent your own way. If they are adamant that you do things their way- then I would start by saying "I understand your opinion, but I'm the parent now. I'm the one that's making these decisions and they aren't up for debate." You may have to stand strong and follow through with a threat/ultimatum/consequence of taking away time, taking away access to DD if they cannot respect your decisions. 
 
I would talk to your mom BEFORE you head out to this trip. While a free trip to Colorado is awesome- is it really worth it to be in constant drama and stress through out the whole time? Not saying that you need to stay home- but you need to have a game plan before you go. I would go, and I would not debate/discuss my parenting decisions "You don't have to like it, but you need to respect my decisions, as her MOTHER" kind of conversations <img alt="smile.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/smile.gif"> This is NOT going to be easy, but you need to stand your ground! Also you need to not allow them or you to let things explode.Again, not easy!
 
Hang in there mama! I look forward to reading some other advice!
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This is the only thing I know how to do. Nothing else helps, and the frustration is too much to deal with. A nice trip to Colorado sounds fun, even if it's only to tell your mom and dad in front of the rest of the family, that you are perfectly happy with your choices and that since your baby is thriving you aren't worried and neither should they be. Gift them with a mirror and tell them the next time they have some thing to say that is derogatory, they should just look in the mirror because the only ones who are hearing it are themselves.

Izlandia · Nov 11, 2010

Thank you all for the advice. My mother and I have had a tense relationship ever since I can remember. Oil & Water. You get the idea. I like the idea of constantly trying to change the subject I will really try to do that. I just get so upset the moment she has a nasty comment I want to just throw something at her. If I am at their house I just leave. But then later on I am the bad guy for getting upset. My entire family loves using guilt as a way to get what they want, except the super nice uncle, him and his wife actually believe in respecting their children. Sadly, they live 1000 miles away. I agree I have been providing too much information aka ammo and I will now keep my mouth shut. The fights usually arise when I am at their house because my mom literally counts the minutes I breastfeed and determine that it isnt enough. My daughter from birth has always been a piranha, a barracuda, a vaccuum, etc... she is very efficient and fast - gets done in 10 minutes from one breast and shes good for the next 2 hours. My mother simply refuses to believe that she is eating enough even if I repeatedly say shes fine, she just ate, she eats that fast, thats how she always is. Her response is "oh thats why shes fussy, or needy, or doesnt sleep through the night." And then that leads to "you were a good baby, you slept through the night." Why the hell are babies judged on goodness by their sleeping through the night!?!?! My mom is a known exaggerator so I have a strong feeling she doesnt remember 30 years ago as well as she thinks she does. 
 
Another issue that came up yesterday is my mom, without asking me of course, decided to tell the rest of the family that I would love to go snowmobiling for hours while in Colorado. While I do enjoy snowmobiling, I am not comfortable leaving my daughter with anyone else because she doesn't know them at all. My extended family all live states away. And not only that she currently eats every 2-3 hours and absolutely hates the bottle and will only take a bottle from my MIL (who happens to be extremely supportive of my methods THANK GOD) and my MIL still has trouble with her taking it right away. I usually have my MIL babysit because my parents... well you can figure that out obviously. So I express my irritation for my mom signing me up for something without asking me and then also say that I am uncomfortable leaving my daughter for that long with people she doesnt know. Of course that lead to "they raised children they know what to do, she will be fine" There is absolutely no respect whatsoever... I really cant stand it. I will try to be strong and keep putting my foot down. And use some of the language you all posted above and I hope it works. Thanks again!

peainthepod · Nov 13, 2010

Oh, so sorry you're going through this, mama. 
You've already gotten some great advice about bean-dipping and limiting the information (ammo, that's exactly what it is) you pass on to these unsupportive people. Now here's something else to remember: "No." is a complete sentence. You do not owe them explanations, justifications, or excuses for your actions as a mother and as a human being. 
_____ 
"You've been breastfeeding her forever and she isn't getting enough! Let me give her some rice cereal." 
"No." *serenely keep breastfeeding and, if necessary, excuse yourself to a private room with a door that locks to finish feeding your baby* 
_____ 
"You're going to go snowmobiling for hours and leave the baby with us!" 
"No." *smile calmly and go back to what you were doing* 
_____ 
"You're going to [vaccinate/wean her soon/let her cry it out/put her in a crib/let her eat a Big Mac at six months old] aren't you?" 
"No." *change the subject* 
The power of no is twofold; it leaves no real room for argument because it offers no reasons or justifications that can be picked at, and the more you use it the easier it gets. 
Alternately, practice answering a question with a question. Some of my favorites are, "Why would I want to do that?" and "Did you mean to sound so hostile?" and "What do you mean, exactly?" Sometimes you can defuse bullies by making them explain themselves in excruciating detail. And make no mistake--this is bullying, mama! When they get angry, go back to the subject change or walking-away-midsentence maneuver. But do your best not to let them fluster you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to apologize for. 
Your family sound really unpleasant to be around, frankly, and you deserve to be treated better than that. Stay strong and know that you're being the best mama to your daughter that she could possibly have. Your family's opinions are totally irrelevant in the end, so practice saying no, practice changing the subject, and practice walking away from rude people midsentence if that's what it takes. You don't have to stand for this sort of nastiness, even if you happen to share DNA with some of the people saying it. <img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"><img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"><img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif">

Izlandia · Nov 13, 2010

lol at the big mac at 6 months old! Thanks for the reply. My mom and some family members can be extremely pushy and demanding. It is very hard. I usually do say No but you were correct that I would usually follow up with my reasons. So I will try to just stick to plain old No and stay calm about it. Though they will followup with Why not? or How come? but I think I learned how to respond to that from the other replies. I also like the idea of answering with a question. I hope that it will work. It will be really hard for me when in Colorado ill be surrounded by 6 other mothers though. I am going to do my best to just avoid the subject altogether or declare it off limits. Even though I am 30 years old my family still treats me like im 12. They can be unpleasent, but other times wonderful. We put the fun in dysfunctional! Thanks again!

shanniesue2 · Nov 13, 2010

so you say "no."
 
They follow up with "why not?"
 
I wonder what would happen if you said, "because I'm the mom and I said so." Then commence with subject change.

shanniesue2 · Nov 13, 2010

I wanted to add (just so that you don't feel alone) that I am also a little worried about holidays coming up. For Thanksgiving, we are going to stay with my new BIL's parents (due to disability, they weren't able to make it to the wedding... so we haven't all met yet). I don't know them well enough to know what anyone will say about the fact that I'm still nursing my 33 month old (eek! can you imagine your family with you nursing an almost 3 year old!) I'm not too worried about Thanksgiving b/c we will only be there a couple of days and they are my brother's ILs and not mine.... so a little farther removed.
 
Christmas, however, we are going to be staying with my ILs for a whole week. MIL did nurse her children, but only until they got teeth and could bite her... I think she said that the first time they bit her was the last time the nursed

She said this in response to a comment I made about DS biting me. MIL has been disapproving of us co-sleeping... and she approves of CIO... I don't want to make it sound like she's always harping on me about it, or anything. Mostly, she's pretty respectful. As long as I don't ask for advice or bring it up. However, last time we spent any amount of time with them, FIL asked me how weaning was going (this would have been last Christmas). And at one point, DS asked to nurse and MIL gave a little groan. I was able to handle it a little better last year b/c we were in my house. This year, we will be in their home for the full week (they live 15 hours away... they paid for the plane tickets and we cannot afford a hotel--although even if we could, having a hotel room would not prevent DS from asking to nurse in the middle of the day while we are at their house). Since I will be on their ground and not my own, I'm feeling a little more nervous about it all. I really don't think that they will say anything. I'm just expecting to get disapproving looks and groans from them. I have already talked to DH a little bit about it. And he is supportive of me... what he said is that the decision to nurse or wean is strictly between me and DS and isn't really anyone else's business (I like his attitude

) And I'm pretty sure he would back me if it came down to it. But I'm still a little nervous. Basically, I just want you to know that you're not alone. We BOTH can do this!

hippy mum · Nov 14, 2010

Wow, sending you some hugs. I've been there, and is some ways still am, regarding how we chose our health decisions. Since I was the black sheep on breastfeeding, all I can say is the bean dip thing works. Or ask "why", back at them. If you chose to, you could offer some bf facts on ebf and nutrition. There have been babies who don't touch solids for a whole year-and guess what, they survived. As long as you and your dh stand together, all should be a little smoother, hopefully

For what it's worth, I never understood the happy/good baby thing either, regarding breastfeeding.
 I'm not a confrontational person, but once I told my family some bf facts, and saw I was not changing my decision, they pretty much quieted down. Of course, we are long distance, and that helps. Your baby is fine ebf, with limited solids. We didn't start solids until 7/8m, and then only a little. And I offered real food-mashed/cut up what we ate and gave to them. There is some great info here on the bf boards. Do you have a local LLL group, that you can go to some meetings? They are helpful. 
 As for vaxing-bean dip yet again. My battle w/ my fam didn't start until recently regarding this topic, which should prob stay over on the vaccine forums. There's been a few threads about this there.

sosurreal09 · Nov 14, 2010

my family constantly ridicules me, however my mom passed away a long time ago so its at least not coming directly from her (i think she would have supported me though) but i get it alot...and i just tell them its my kid back off. i have cut ties with one family member who would not stop and she didnt see my child for nearly 6 months! now shes already starting it up again...errrrrr it never ends. idk if you are religious at all but we are and i laugh and tell everyone thats how Jesus was probably raised breastfed until he weaned himself, worn, slept with ect only what 100 yrs ago in the US babies were EBF until 2 years old!!
 
DD didnt start solids until 9.5 months b/c she just wasnt ready. i never bought into the whole my BM is deficient in iron...never given her any supplements or anything and they tested her to "prove" me wrong and tell me she needed x y and z but all her levels were perfect but i also eat a very healthy diet so...
 
anyways i wouldnt go to the party sorry i know thats rough but i wouldnt bother. i would just tell you're fam you dont want or need there advice and you're doing things the way you want. NO food is more nutritionally adequate than BM period.

MO_Bookwyrm · Nov 14, 2010

I can understand so well about family pushing what they see as "right" at you. Some of my family did that, too, when DS was little. I'm even living with one now, while pregnant with my 2nd. I can also relate to getting upset and wanting to defend your way to them. If you are like me, you want them to support and approve of you and your decisions. Nothing wrong with that, but sometimes it just won't happen. I keep having to tell myself that...over and over and over again.
 
My DS was almost EBF for right around 18 mo. I really mean that. We began trying to introduce "real" food to him around 6 or 7 mo, but he would never take it. Or he would eat one bite and that would be the end of it. We would try something every week. I didn't want to push him or scare him off food. My BM was able to sustain him until he decided to eat on his own. He was also consistently in the 80-90th percentiles across the board. The hardest part of this was when I was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks when he was 17 mo old and my milk dried up. My DH took him to the children's hospital attached to the hospital I was in and they checked him over. Other than being slightly anemic, he was fine. He'd lost a little weight, too. They tried to give him a cup/bottle of formula, but he took one drink of it and threw it across the room. LOL Wish I'd been there to see it.
 
All this is to say, that your choices are yours. And your first child is the hardest to stand up to family and friends who don't get it or you. <img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif">

Smokering · Nov 15, 2010

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<div>I am really worried about the future when they want to watch her overnight. Fears of them sneaking her M&M's and telling her not to tell mommy...</div>
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Well, that's an easy problem to avoid.

There's absolutely no reason a baby or even toddler has to stay at a grandparent's house (except, perhaps, you going into labour or both parents ending up in a car crash or something - but even then, you could try using friends, not relatives, for the babysitting). My family IS supportive, but DD at slightly over 2.5 has never spent a night with them - it just doesn't seem necessary. Plus, she still BFs.

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<div>Of course that lead to more guilt that I am not letting them see their grandchild.</div>
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OK, so if they lay the guilt on... "Yes, I've been limiting your time with DD recently. That was an intentional decision. I do not intend to spend time with people who consistently undermine my parenting." Don't deny that you've been avoiding them - tell them why! Then don't get sucked into an argument. She isn't "their" grandchild in any kind of proprietary sense - they have no legal or moral rights to spend time with her. That is a privilege, granted on the basis of friendship and mutual support and everybody being pleasant to be around.
 
Another tack you *could* try, if for some reason the "pass the bean dip" approach isn't working, is to say "When you have some peer-reviewed scientific research to back that up, send me the link and I'll take a look. Until then, let's shelve the discussion". Good luck to them trying to find a study that shows a diet of only breastmilk at 6 months is somehow inadequate or dire!
 
FWIW, DD only had tiny tastes of foods from 6 months to about 9 months, and was still getting the vast majority of her calories from breastmilk for months after that. We didn't do CLW per se - we spoon fed on occasion and so on - but she definitely wasn't shovelling whole chicken breasts or avocadoes into her mouth at six months! She liked the tastes, but just as tastes, not as filler-uppers. My nephew, on the other hand, ate GALLONS of solids right from the get-go. At barely one he eats more than DD at two-and-a-half! Kids are just so individual. If your DD isn't clamouring for more solids, she's FINE. Don't let them get to you.

hippy mum · Nov 15, 2010

Smokering-very good point. Breast milk is supposed to be the only food for 6m (or formula), so no solids until then is fine. The gut is not developed, and really, I think all those babies who refuse solids, and are breast babies, it's an automatic response for them. The body knows. My boys had gag reflexes for awhile. They could handle some types of food, but not pureed food. For breastfeeding, isn't infancy until weaned, which before early weaning started, would be up to 5 yrs old? I don't have my bf book near me to check that. But in some countries, it's the norm to bf until 5, or even 6. 
 As for sleep overs. Well, our family isn't local, so that's not an issue. My family knows by now what the kids can eat and what they can't eat. And, they tell me-hee hee. Dad can't even sneak something in, it's pretty funny. I'd find a way to respectfully let your parents know that yes, they did a great job raising you, and though you are raising your child different, you are the parents. You will take the advice to a point, and once the nagging begins, you are done. Walk from the room, the house, end the phone call etc. Babies don't need crap food like candy and burgers, so I'd ask them why they would try to feed their grand daughter food that has no value to her? You can always leave a bag of approved foods later on, if they watch her?

Adaline'sMama · Nov 15, 2010

To a PP, vax= vaccinations (or lack there of)
 
I also have a very unsupportiave family, and my extended family parents with formula, extensive playpen time, no dirt/germs, tv babysitting, and tons and tons of plastic. I am the weirdo at every event. Ive tried to laugh most things off, and I find that if I have "titles" for my parenting desicions, they are more responsive. For example, Ill say to people when they ask about rice cereal, "No, she doesnt really get that, we practice Baby Led Weaning" . Ususally, they either dont want to ask what that means, or they ask and I explain it, (taking my dear sweet time)and then they dont want to discuss it anymore. Here are some other good phrases to use:
 
Under one, just for fun - regarding "real" food
 
Personally, I feel that if babies are meant to eat a certian food, then we wouldnt have to puree it"- regarding baby food
 
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. She's not really exposed to anything staying at home with me. - regarding vax
 
We love snuggling with her in the mornings (you dont have to mention that your DC slept with you all night)
 
Wearing her keeps her from getting in to everything, plus its helped me to lose some of my pregnancy weight.- babywearing.
 
I have no problem going into a full on debate with my family members about these issues, but at a huge family function, I would use the phrases above to avoid being the center of the other parents attention. Sorry :hugs, Ive got no advice on how to deal with your mom.

livinlovinlaughin · Nov 16, 2010

I feel for you! We are very natural also. No vax, extentended exclusive bfing, whole foods, etc.
 
My DS did not eat "real food" until his first birthday. Not a bite of anything until then. Now I am very picky about what he is allowed to eat. He has plenty of time to eat junk in the future and I will let that be his choice. I make everything from scratch. Here is some great info on delaying solids: <a href="http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/delay-solids.html" target="_blank">http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/delay-solids.html</a> 
 
I am constantly getting comments and/or "jokes". It is so far from being funny to be treated this way by people you love. It hurts even more because I feel like this is something they should be proud of me for. At 2yrs we are still nursing. For a long time now my Dad says "why don't you give him some real milk" to which I respond THIS IS REAL MILK. He is not a calf. My hubby doesn't like confrontation, so he doesn't really say anything ever. My parents talk behind my sister's back about how she lets them have too much pop and eat out too much. They never say anything to her but things are always being said about what we do in front of everyone including us and the things we do are healthy and natural. I know people feel threatened because they did not do these things for their children. I know there will be things I learn later that I can not change but I can not see myself bullying someone because of the good they are doing. It just plain hurts!
 
You are getting some great advice on here. I have not found anything to really work for us yet. Just don't lose sight of why you are doing the things you are doing. And, be proud of yourself even if nobody else is!!

Asiago · Dec 7, 2010

I hope everything is going better for you Izlandia. You are doing a great job, continue to follow your instincts.

averlee · Jan 5, 2011

One problem here is just plain out-of-date information. When your mom was raising you, they encouraged moms to start rice cereal at 12 weeks. In the 50s they suggested starting babies on orange juice at 12 weeks. Maybe try to find a book about babies especially for grandparents. Something with a title like, "You've been out of the baby biz for 25 years, here's the new scoop."

Need Help with unsupportive family

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