[willowtreemama]

Hi,

I hope the title is OK - I can never find a good way to say something like this. Please excuse my getting right to the point and leaving out a lot of detail.

I have a 7-year-old daughter and a 6-year-old son. My son, when he was 5, was sexually abused by a 15 year old guy (touching, one instance). Lots of awful things have followed from it, but we did our best to be good parents and deal with not being able to undo that day. We finally matched up with a good counselor, who has concluded that my son is doing well, so we probably won't take him back for a check-in until a few years have passed. (The place that evaluated him originally -- the best in the area -- also thought he was doing great. His parents, not so much.) At the moment, we are starting to have my daughter talk with the counselor since she is essentially a victim as well. (Our state law says that the child and his parents are classified as vicitms, but not the siblings, though it's been quite hard on her.) I just want to use this to somehow make us all super resilient and happy. (It has felt like living a John Grisham novel, much of our social support and trust hurt.... Being treated like the perpetrator by many, though thankfully not by the court folks.)

For a year, we basically were not allowed to talk about stuff, and I'm realizing, thanks to some great Mothering posts I now can't find (one that recommended the great book about talking with kids about sex, by Richardson and Schuster), that probably among the many mistakes it feels like we've made, one is that I should have not just waited for their questions and answered only what they asked, but should have filled them in about how babies are made, etc., which of course might have helped to keep the icky thing from happening in the first place.

I think that the counselor is in the answer-what-they-ask frame of mind. And, I think this should be something my husband and I (or just I) talk with our kids about - why that teen boy-creep did what he did. When the counselor asked my son why he thinks the kid did it, my son replied essentially, "I don't know". But, I think my son must have an intuitive sense of why, and so I think I need to address it straight on somehow that the kid did this for his own satisfaction. As you can probably assume, I also figure that, though it hasn't come up in therapy, my son may be confused since he felt uncomfortable about the abuse -- something was wrong about the kid doing it to him -- but might also be confused since my son likes to masturbate and I would guess there might have been an aspect of it that felt good -- at least enough to be confusing.

Unfortunately, I can't figure out how to best to address those two parts about the abuse. I also really want to tell them more about the wonderful parts about sexuality. (On the dealing with masturbation/normal sexual play stuff up through now, I would probably only give us a 7 out of 10, but then I probably score too hard. But, I would like to make it to the 10 from here on out.) I feel like it would have been simple before, but now I don't know what to do. So, I'm trying to figure out the timing of those two talks; how to keep them separate so that the word "sex" isn't associated in their minds with the creep and his parents.

I also want to do what I can so that my children (and my husband and I) are emitting vibes of "don't mess with this child" so that we never have to go through anything like this again. We feel very vulnerable. I still want somehow to hold onto that feeling, "In spite of everything I still believe that people are basically good at heart?"

Thanks for listening. Anyone who has helpful suggestions will be greatly appreciated. By the way, I don't know where I should have posted this, so if you can refer someone helpful from another forum here, that would be great. Even a hug sent out of support and sympathy will be appreciated too.

One small gift for you - there is a wonderful book I wish I had read - please read it and ask others to read it as well: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) by Gavin De Becker.

Thanks. I have the most amazing children. And spouse.

 

[Laggie]

This is a difficult question. I think that these are really separate issues - explaining where babies come from and explaining the motivations of a child molester are two very different topics imho.

We have a video called "Where did I come from?" (or something like that) that DD watched when she was curious about how babies are made... around age 5 or 6 I think. I think a book or movie might help you to get through the basics with him.

As for the molestation, I would talk about the fact that it's not okay for people to touch each other's private areas unless they are in love and they both want to... or something along those lines. Personally, my mom was hyper-vigilant about us being molested and warned us about it from a very early age. Basically telling us that if anyone tried to touch us we should run away and tell her right away.

I think it's common for kids who've been molested to feel ashamed because physically some of it might have felt good, even though it was also gross and wrong and awful. If your counselor is worth his salt, I would think that he would have talked to your son about this stuff already.

Amazon has some books on helping your child with these issues.

Sorry I can't be more help.

 

[flapjack]

No advice, but I'm thinking of you.

 

[willowtreemama]

That looks like a good book. Have a good evening.

 

[LynnS6]

I agree that the molestation issues and the "where babies come from" issues are separate.

Some kids just don't ask. I don't think our 7 1/2 year old would have heard the basics if his younger sister hadn't been very interested "Hey T, did you know that babies are made when a sperm from daddy and an egg from momma come together?" "Hey T, did you know that babies grown in mama's womb?!"

I guess I'd present this stuff as "you're both growing older, let's learn about this." You can get some of the basic books from the library and then go from there. It didn't take my kids too long to go from "the sperm and the egg make the baby" to "How do the sperm and the egg get together?" I also suspect that these are conversations that need to take place multiple times for things to sink in.

I haven't got much to contribute about the molestation part, other than to say I'm very sorry that you had to go through that. If his counselor says he's OK, the people who evaluated him say he's OK, and he's acting OK, I'd assume that he WAS OK. Since this was a one-time deal, and you dealt with it (rather than sweeping it under the rug), it's possible he won't attach that much significance to it.

As for giving off "don't mess with me vibes" read: Protecting the Gift by Gavin Baker (The Gift of Fear by him is also good). But really, the problem is that most molestation takes place by someone who the family knows and doesn't suspect.

 

[leafwood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LynnS6 I agree that the molestation issues and the "where babies come from" issues are separate.

Exactly my thought. It sounds like your son is doing well, has amazing supportive parents, and is quite resillient. Without sounding harsh, the best thing may be to stop thinking of him as a victim and just address the natural issue of sexuality/where babies come from/etc. If you have been discussing good vs. bad touch following the abuse that may be a conversation that just has to be ongoing....like checking in every once in a while. As for the confusion part of abuse, did his therapist process that aspect with him? It can be very difficult with younger children who don't always have the words to label feelings/experiences/etc. Sorry I don't have any more suggestions in that realm.