[normajean]

DH is planning to be my labor coach.

However, I want my labor to be very different from last time. I want my labor to be at home if possible, and if the actual birth isn't possible at home, I want to be at home until shortly before the birth.

And...I want my labor coach to be more involved than holding my hand and saying reassuring things. This time I want him to help me by rubbing my back--for hours if necessary, helping me change positions & walk around, perineal massage, etc. I want him to do things that will help with my plan for a natural birth.

I said somehtitng to him the other night about, "Are you going to be ready for being my coach?" and he said, "Why wouldn't I be, I did just fine last time!"

Well, I don't know how to tell him I want something different than last time without him feeling criticized about before? Before was fine for then, but I want more this time. DOes this even make sense?

I checked out a Bradley birth book, and I want him to read it, but I don't know how to ask, or how he will respond if I do. I also want him to take Childbirth class with me, but he seems so unenthusiastic about it. He sometimes seems annoyed with the whole idea of "preparing." I mention things like "pretty soon we will need to start practicing" and he either says nothing, or says, "huh? ok." And then nothing whatsoever.

Its kindof infuriating for me, because we normally can talk about anything, why am I so hesitant to approach him with this? I really want him to read my mind.
It makes me mad that I can't talk to him about it, and madder that he doesn't pick up on my hints. Even though he's a MAN and men don't get hints.

I do think he's scared of it, and that he prefers a managed care setting where nurses etc tell him what to do. But it makes me think I might be better off to have a close friend coach me, and he can stand by and hold my hand if thats all he's comfortable with.

BUt then, if I tell him that, I know he will be hurt. I don't want him to feel he didn't do a good job last time. It really was fine for THAT situation.

And he thinks I am nuts to even want to try it without an epidural. He feels that if pain relief is available, why go through pain.

I want him to be involved in this, and I want it to be as special for him as for me. I feel like he sees birth as "a means to an end" and doesn't even comprehend the idea of a beautiful, personal labor and birth process.

 

[plantmommy]

I hear you! You seem to be right where I was, before my dd's homebirth.

First off, get The Birth Partner, and just tell it it would mean a lot to you, if he read it.

My dh wanted to be helpful, but didn't know how, and that book helped a lot in that department. He's a great guy, but he can't get a clue. He needs things spelled out. It's not that he's unwilling!

With dd's birth, I was vry explicit and open about what I wanted from him, and when. I knew what I wanted, expressed that to him, and he did it. We couldn't have had a more beautiful birth, and my midwife came when she was asked, which ended up being that she showed up right after I'd made it through transition. So, dh and I did it all by ourselves, pretty much!

Well, the midwife checked me when she got there, at my request, I was fully dilated and ready to push. At that point all I needed from dh was a cool cloth and a drink in between.

 

[Hera]

I'm sorry I don't know whether you are planning to have anyone else at your birth, like a midwife or a friend or somebody like that. I know it was helpful for DH to have more support, so he could take some time to recharge.

Anyway, I also am hoping that I will be touched more this time. Dh was good with being there, holding me, talking to me, feeding me...but he's not much of a massager. What I've been thinking about doing this time is making some kind of a birth poster to hang on the wall, with some art to look at and also some lists of things I might like to eat or drink, things I think I'd like people to do for me when I'm in labor, kind of a birth plan but made in an artistic way that could also be a beautiful focal point for me. It's hard to explain what I mean, especially since I haven't made it yet!

There are things that you feel like you'd like to have done for you. Even if your Dh reads the same things you are reading, he might not pick up on exactly what it is that you want. Also, in the moment, he might not remember. So, making a list and displaying it somewhere prominent could really be helpful for him. I know I have lots of ideas, some of which I think Dh might find kind of silly if I try to explain them to him. Still, I know he loves me and wants to help me through, and I'm sure your Dh does too. It's OK to ask for what you need, I'm sure he'll be happy to help you. You can find a way to do it that doesn't seem critical.

I'm getting distracted by dd, who just read 2 books all the way through and wants me to write their names down on the Summer Reading List she was given at the library today.

Good Luck!

 

[moonlightinvt]

Your Dh sounds like a great guy who just wants what is best for you from his perspective--which may not necessarily BE the best thing for you.

You said he likes a managed care situation and is all for an epidural. Like most men, he does not want to see you in pain. Men feel a responsibility to fix things and in their mind nurses and needles work great.

I can tell you a having a stong intuitive sense of what you want your birth environment to be like. Listen closely to it. It will help shape your birth and parenting for the better. It is not wrong to look for certain types of support, from someone other than your husband, who can provide you the kind of hands-on care and positive energy to keep you where you need to be--in Labor Land.

I would strongly recommend talking to some doulas for birth support. They are trained and experienced in just the kind of support it sounds like you are hoping to get from your husband. Your midwife could probably give you recommendations or just put the word out.

A home birth is a truely normal and natural way to birth a child. I can't imagine doing it any other way. However, the environment you create and the people you surround yourself with during birth can be hugely instrumental in the direction your birth flows. If you let yourself go with the current you will be carried into bliss. If someone in the room exudes negative energy and goes against the current or tries to turn you that way, your body will react. This is why so many labors stall when someone leaves the comfort of their own home and is suddenly immersed in an environment of fear, technology, bright lights and strangers that hospitals provide.

I wish you the best.

 

[normajean]

Wow guys, thanks so much for the replies!

I do want a homebirth, and we are looking into possibilities to make it happen. DH is actually supportive of the idea, "as long as someone is there who knows what they are doing." But we are having a hard time finding a MW here at all. (Small town, very rural, very very conservative.)

So at this point it is looking like it will be at the hospital. However, I do plan to do it naturally and I plan to labor at home until the baby is crowning (hospital is literally 30 seconds away on a bad traffic day) so I will need a lot of support while I am in labor.

I did talk to DH a bit last night,he could tell I was upset when he got home from reffing a basketball game, and asked what was wrong. I told him I wanted ius to start preparing/practicing for the birth, and that I had been nervous to bring it up b/c I had the impression he wasn't interested. And he said, "I'm not really interested." !!!!!!! Did I hit the nail on the head or what? Then he said, "But if thats what you want we can start practicing." He also agreed to take a birth class with me, which is something he would not do when I was preg with DS.

So then I took a breath (why is it I can talk to him about anything under the sun, but talking about the birth of our child makes me so nervous? weird) and said, "And I also really want you to read this book...."

And he looks at me like he's in PAIN and says, "Sweetie, you know how much I hate reading.....but I can read *one* book if thats what you need me to do."

So we've made some progress definately!

And last night on my way to the bathroom, I thought he was in my room watching the news, but I saw that he was in the baby's room folding cloth diapers & putting them away. Miracles never cease!

 

[Hera]

Awwww.....he sounds so sweet! Lucky Mama!

 

[mistisa]

i hope you do get to have a homebirth, but if you do have to go to the hospital, get a doula. i am going to this time. dh is very supportive, but sometimes they need reminding from someone who is experienced also. i think this time around will be much better for us both since we have a doula. good luck!

 

[CarrieMF]

Hmmmm, I think either way you should get a doula. They don't replace the dads, but they can take over for them when dad gets tired or hungry, and they can suggest things to dad that dad may not think of or realize he could be doing. It would take pressure off of you, you would have someone there if you need it in addition to dh. It takes pressure off of dh. Alot of our dh's want to help but have no clue how to do it, or think they're helping when they're really not.

 

[Kiki Runs]

I had a long reply typed out before, but changed my mind about posting it.

Please keep in mind that I'm coming from having a HORRIBLE birth experience (unnecessary c/s, which I'm still dealing with), and I want to keep anyone else from ever having a similar birth. So what I say may sound harsh, but I need to be clear, okay?

You need to have a serious talk with your DH. You need to tell him EXACTLY what you'll need from him during the birth, and you need him to tell you EXACTLY what he can/is willing to do.

Your posts sound so much like my experience with DH before DS' birth. I had doubts about DH's ability to meet my needs during labor/birth, but I told myself that he'd come through for me in the end. I tried to talk to DH about it, and he pretty much said that we'd figure it out when it came. Ummmm.....NO! Sorry, labor is NOT the time to be figuring things out. It's a little late by then, as I discovered, with BAD results.

You need to be honest with your DH and yourself about what you'll need and if he'll be able to provide that. You need to let your DH know your comfort level and you need to find out his. Do you need him to be your voice to the hospital staff (re: interventions)? Is he comfortable doing that? Does he know/agree with your wishes? Will he be strong about your wishes even if he's not "on board" with them 100%?

Just so you know you're not alone, I'll tell you that I had a talk with DH about this after I read your post. I found out that we're NOT on the same page at all! (this surprised me, b/c in recent conversations I had started to think we were)

What we finally decided was that for the next one, I will hire a doula for labor/birth support and DH will care for DS during labor. He's not interested in supporting me during labor, which is fine with me b/c he didn't do a good job the first time around. Yeah, I'm disappointed that he's not as excited about it as I am, and that we won't have that "perfect family" birth, but I had to let go of it and respect HIS comfort level.

What worked for us was that I asked DH "What do you want out of the next birth?" He said "a healthy baby and a healthy,happy wife". Seriously, that's it. Then I had to think about what *I* want. A healthy baby and a healthy mom isn't good enough for me. In order for me to be a "healthy,happy wife", I need someone there to support me during labor, someone to stand up to hospital staff (if I deliver in a hospital) for me, someone to help me have a natural, intervention-free birth. Well, that someone isn't DH.

It was kind of a shock to realize that our goals were different. But I understand it, somewhat. DH isn't the one whose body was cut open (unnecessarily). He's not the one who's still dealing with PPD/PTSD over a year later b/c of it. He's not the one who mourns a natural birth. That's me. DH is perfectly happy with DS' birth. He doesn't care that it was a c/s. He's just glad that DS and I are both alive and well.

It's just a much more personal thing for me than it is for DH. To DH, labor and birth are just a process you have to go through to get the end result (a baby). To me, labor and birth are more than that. They're an experience in and of themselves. So in order for me to get that good experience next time, I'll have to find someone who feels the same way for my support.

I'm sorry, I feel like this is pretty rambly. I don't want to be too harsh, but I do want to make clear how much of an impact this has had on my life (and how much I regret not being crystal clear with DH BEFORE the birth - it could have been avoided!).

It's not a judgement on your DH if he's not able to give you the support you want. That's just his comfort level. He's not a bad dad or person just b/c his comfort level is different from yours (not that you would think that, but HE might). He's not a bad husband, either. He's just not your ideal birth attendant! Nothing wrong with that.

Good luck, and PLEASE talk with your husband, just so you know where you BOTH stand.

Kinsey

 

[normajean]

Kinsey--

Thank you for your post. I can totally understand what you mean with all these things. For instance, I do know that my DH is not comfortable with refusing interventions or doing anything "out of the ordinary" at a hospital birth. I know this b/c when I had my son, I was asking him to get me a new nurse, and he didn't know all he had to due was ask and get her switched.

We have been talking more, he has agreed to read the Bradley childbirth book, and start practicing for labor. He has agreed to do "whatever I want" at home while I am laboring before we go to the hospital *if* we end up having to have a hospital birth.

THanks for your post, it gave me a lot of ideas of things to talk about with.

 

[SamuraiEarthMama]

"i'm not really interested."

this is your big clue! listen NOW before you try to force him into a role he does not want, and will not accept.

you need a doula... maybe two or three, if you think you will need lots of support at the birth. let him off the hook... he doesn't want to be part of this, and if you expect him to be, you will be disappointed.

don't set yourself up for disaster. get some girlfriends and/or doulas to help you out... find someone who will be THRILLED to be at your birth, and honored to serve you. it will make all the difference in the world, i guarantee it!

katje

 

[Kiki Runs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SamuraiEarthMama "i'm not really interested." this is your big clue! listen NOW before you try to force him into a role he does not want, and will not accept.

Yup. I wish so much that I had listened BEFORE DS' birth....it would have saved me so much pain (physical and mental/emotional).

Quote:

Originally Posted by normajean Thank you for your post. I can totally understand what you mean with all these things. For instance, I do know that my DH is not comfortable with refusing interventions or doing anything "out of the ordinary" at a hospital birth. I know this b/c when I had my son, I was asking him to get me a new nurse, and he didn't know all he had to due was ask and get her switched. We have been talking more, he has agreed to read the Bradley childbirth book, and start practicing for labor. He has agreed to do "whatever I want" at home while I am laboring before we go to the hospital *if* we end up having to have a hospital birth.

Your DH sounds exactly like mine! DH was not comfortable with a lot of my choices, but went along with my wishes - until it got hard. He just wasn't as passionate about it as I was, and it's hard to really support something you don't care about. He also wasn't very informed - like your DH, he didn't read in preparation, just depended on me to give him info. It didn't work.

You're planning to stay home as long as possible, right? That's good, b/c it gives the hospital staff less time to hassle (and your DH). I hope things work out for you. Just please learn from MY mistake, rather than making your own.

Kinsey