[snuggly mama]

A little backstory -- dh hasn't spoken to his family for 7 years, basically since dd3 was born with special needs. They were abusive to him as a child (parents and sibs), and it's taken him a long, long time to heal from that. He truly is a survivor, and I'm amazed at the kind of dad he's been to our children given everything that he went thru as a child. Over the past years, there's been some attempts at contact (from them), but nothing substantial.

Well, today, dh's sister called and left a message that dh needs to "get over his issues with mom and starting helping out".

Seriously??!!? He doesn't want anything to do with them, and I WILL NOT have anything to do with them. They have a history of mental illness (untreated and unstable), violence and drug abuse, and I'm frankly afraid of them all.

Dh thinks he needs to talk and have it out with them. I understand where he's coming from, but I also really think that talking to them, at all, will escalate the issues and could put us and/or our kids in danger. In my dream world, we move far, far away from these people and never look back, but that isn't now nor will it be an option, for about a million reasons.

I want to support dh, and I REALLY REALLY want these people out of my life, but it's just so ugly and I don't know what to do. His mom has been harrassing him through letters over the years, and "gifts" that she's dropped off at our house while no one is home. His niece has sent letters and cards, and his sister has come and banged on our front door until he opened it up and told her to go away (we eventually had to call the police). Every time they attempt contact, I get sick to my stomach, nervous, and feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder.

Is there a right way to handle this situation?

 

[Areia]

I'm so sorry your family has to deal with this. Having some abusive, toxic relatives myself, my first response is just to cut them out completely without further contact.

Has your husband talked about what he hopes will happen if he meets with his family? If he wants them to back off, I would just have him tell the family next time they called that he doesn't want them to contact him or come to the house again. Then change your number. If they come to the house, tell them to leave immediately or you'll call that cops. You could probably get a restraining order if they are harassing you or threatening anyone.

If he wants to be involved with them again, he could tell them what he feels comfortable doing (seeing Mom once a week, etc) and let them know that he won't do anything beyond that and if they push him, he'll just walk away from them.

Good luck!!

 

[Una]

In my experience, talking with people like this won't make the situation go away. They feel like they are entitled to your DH, and will continue to try to rein him in via harassment, threats and guilt. The situation will only escalate.

The best thing you and your DH can do is to NOT engage them in any way. Document, document, document EVERY instance of contact made on their part; from the gifts on your porch to the letters from the niece. Then get a cease and desist letter drawn up and have it sent by certified mail. If they continue to bother you file an RO.

 

[Liquesce]

What sort of help does she need? I mean, is it like care assistance that he could help to make third party arrangments for?

 

[PlayaMama]

um, change your number? there's not really any way to keep them from stopping by but i wouldn't engage them at all. just let it go...

 

[CarrieMF]

Quote:

Has your husband talked about what he hopes will happen if he meets with his family?

I agree with this. If dh feels he need to have it out with them then he probably should, even if it's just for closure & he never speaks to them again.

 

[MCR]

What does he think will be different this time?
I don't see the point, but it's his family so I suppose you really don't get to say what he can do. My Dh cut off his mother 17 years ago, she hasn't met our two younger kids, and hasn't seen Ds#1 since he was a toddler.
I don't even talk to him about it, I'm a sap I'd probably let her back in, but it's his mom and his issue so I stay out of it.

 

[peainthepod]

Go buy a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Don't walk--RUN to the bookstore and get this book. You don't have to be afraid. You don't have to live like this.

 

[snuggly mama]

Thank you all for your advice -- it helps to know we're not alone in dealing with this kind of situation.

Dh wants nothing to do with his family, and isn't interested in any kind of reconciliation, even minimally. I ended up talking to someone I know who works in the domestic violence field, and she told me basically what you all said -- that contact will only encourage their behavior, and that we need to document everything should it come to the need for legal action. Dh is ready to pursue that avenue, but it's trickier given the situation. The DV worker did tell me that it's important to note that I feel physically threatened, not just annoyed or angry, because that carries more weight.

So, we've saved the last two phone messages -- one from his mom, and the one from sis. I don't think I still have any of the letters, but I will get info from the police on the last two times I've called for this issue and they had to come out (once to remove his sister from our property, and once because dd thought she saw dh's mom prowling around the house).

I'm getting the Gift of Fear this afternoon, so hopefully that will give me some ideas to stay calm and feel more in control of this situation!