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We are in the waiting families pool right now. We have been waiting 6.5 months in an African American/biracial program. When we first started looking into agencies, the estimated wait at our current agency was 9 months. By the time we finished our homestudy, the average wait was 1 year. The last time I checked in with our worker she said 'it is not unusual for for our families to wait 1.5-2 years'. That was very dissapointing... I can't imagine still waiting a year or more from now.<br><br>
Since the very beginning our worker (and her supervisor) have been pushing for us to be 'open' to both programs. I am Cuban and bilingual. Our dd is Mexican. She feels that given that information we are very likely to be chosen by a hispanic birthmom, and be chosen more quickly.<br><br>
We were foster parents for 5 years and open to children of all races. We would be open to hispanic or aa children now, but the issue here is that the caucasion/hispanic program is more than twice the price of our current program. In the end it is REALLY expensive and not something we could afford. Not to mention both of us have moral objections to the huge jump in price and everything that goes along with it. We (dh even more strongly than I, since I have a certain level of desperation that clouds my otherwise moral stance) feel that by paying the higher prices, we are adding to the statistic of families are willing to pay higher prices for 'white' babies therefore keeping such a system alive. Not to mention that once you are in both programs, you pay the higher fees regardless of which program your baby comes out of.<br><br>
All that is fine and good, but I really really really want our baby. NOW. I am so anxious and desperate and going out of my mind at the prospect of waiting another year +. I am honestly not sure I can do it. What is complicating matters now is that FIL gave us a very generous gift to 'help bring his grandchild home sooner'. It does not cover all of the additional expenses, we would need to put in an additional 6k to cover all the additional expenses. So dh and I are in serious discussion mode. If it were up to me I would throw morality out the window and do anything to bring our baby home sooner. Dh is really super uncomfortable with this and doesn't want to give in to the other program. There is no guarantee that we will get matched any sooner, and we still have a statistically higher probability of being matched through our current program. So we might be spending twice the price to be exactly where we are now.<br><br>
Dh says that if, in 6months we are not matched yet, he would be willing to do both programs. That would have given us a year in this program. But the key word is willing; he does not want to. He is happy where we are, waiting as long as it takes. Clearly I am going out of my mind! LOL! So what is the right thing to do here? How do we handle this situation?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>marsupial-mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15381487"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">May I ask why, if you were already foster parents, you didn't decide to adopt a child through the fostercare system?</div>
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because there were many many changes to our state's foster care system, and adoption through foster care was no longer a realistic option. There just were not children under age 3 either for foster, foster adopt/concurrent planning, or straight adoption. After our daughter was placed with us we waited basically 4 years and did not get a single phone call.
 

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Yeah. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Sesa has a long history here and really got the run-around in her state's fc system. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s, Theresa.<br><br>
I know it's not easy to hear, but I would wait. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I'm SO SORRY to be saying that...I know how hard it is when a supposedly short wait just gets longer and longer and longer. Dd's referral only took 15 months, I think, but in the end it was a lot longer than that, because when we FIRST inquired, they told us to come back and apply in 6 months...things were moving that fast, and we didn't want a baby that soon. So yeah, we came back in six months, and all of a sudden the estimated wait was a year. Then it was a year and half. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I know it really hurts to have an uncertain timeline to something you want so badly.<br><br>
The reason I would wait is because your husband has doubts about the program, and so do you if you take the heartache of wanting out of the equation. The child you are matched with will be a child you absolutely adore, and whether you wait one year for that child, or 18 months, or 22 months...you are going to be so grateful for THAT child. I know that's cold comfort now, but really...stick to the moral beliefs you have, and the reasons you chose this program when you were more sane. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> When you're in a waiting game, there's always an impulse to look around and see if there's a faster way, a greener pasture, etc. etc. etc....but if you look at all the reasoning you did to pick the program you did, I'm guessing you're right where you should be.<br><br>
I'm sorry, though. I wish I could help it all go more smoothly and quickly for you...especially after how long you've been waiting in other adoption attempts. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Sesa<br><br>
We are in the exact same boat. It sucks. I hope it's over quickly for both of us.<br><br>
We don't have the money right now to join the other program. (Well, now ours is just one program. They changed things while we've been waiting. But it's still more expensive.) Not to mention that the wait in the big program is statistically longer than ours. We might have the money in a couple years, but I really really hope we don't have to wait that long. The idea of waiting another year just about kills me as it is.<br><br>
What we are going to do is put the word out there in the area of our agency. Basically do the legwork as if it was a private adoption and just direct people to contact us through our agency. I have no idea if this will work, but it's better than sitting around doing nothing. There are also online profile sites but those can get pricey when you're already paying an agency.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> again. I hope this happens for you soon.
 

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I agree with the above posters, I was in the same boat about 6 months ago. I was ready to pay the extra money to get a baby from Florida because it would be quicker, especially if we were open to an African American or biracial baby. But then I looked at it morally and financially and it didnt make sense. It would have been twice as much for an AA baby and 3x for a c baby. My husband was helpful in talking me out of it. Your child will come to you and it will be the right child at the right time. Here were some things that helped me through it.<br>
-Reminding myself that "I will have a baby in 2 years". If you have gone through infertility, the question of "will I ever have a baby" is the worst, so I kept reminding myself that YES! I will have a baby.<br>
-I would think about something that occured a year ago, and realize how quickly that time flew by!<br>
-We lived our lives as if we were going to get a baby in 2 years. I started grad school, we went on vacation, we had dates. We didnt have kids, so it was different, but I suggest, Enjoy your children at the stage they are at, you dont want to be obbsessing about your next child and losing out on the wonderful stage your kids are at now. Enjoy sleeping in, if the 4 yr old lets you, cause you wont get much when the baby comes.<br><br>
That said, it is your decision, and no one has any right to question your choices.<br>
The agency we worked with did not charge according to race everyone was in the same pool based on adoptive parent choices. I am disturbed by the payment situation your agency is putting you through. You are making me really respect the agency we went through.<br>
Ironically enough, we got a baby in 3 months and he is caucasion. So, you never know what will happen. Our vacation got cut short and now I am juggling grad school and parenting.......Life is funny.<br><br>
Good Luck-I am sending good thoughts your way and am glad to hear that others feel the moral dilemna of paying for a white baby!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sesa70</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15381339"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Not to mention both of us have moral objections to the huge jump in price and everything that goes along with it. We (dh even more strongly than I, since I have a certain level of desperation that clouds my otherwise moral stance) feel that by paying the higher prices, we are adding to the statistic of families are willing to pay higher prices for 'white' babies therefore keeping such a system alive.</div>
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Another way to look at it is that the fees for the caucasian/hispanic program are standard, and the fees for the AA program are reduced to incentivize the placement of these babies who are statistically harder to place.<br><br>
By joining the c/h program you wouldn't be leaving the AA program, right? If so and if you're to a c/h child as well as an AA child, why not?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>griffin2004</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15382087"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Another way to look at it is that the fees for the caucasian/hispanic program are standard, and the fees for the AA program are reduced to incentivize the placement of these babies who are statistically harder to place.<br><br>
By joining the c/h program you wouldn't be leaving the AA program, right? If so and if you're to a c/h child as well as an AA child, why not?</div>
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Well, we would be open to hispanic children and aa children, not caucasion children. Based on our family makeup, we do not want our dd to be the only 'non white' child in our family. So that would give us exposure to only about 20% more of the population. And no, we wouldn't be leaving the AA program, we would just be paying more than twice the price for being in both. So basically no matter which child comes to us, we would be paying twice as much for the adoption process.
 

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Oh honey thats a tough one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. I am so much like you that really I would do ANYTHING, but I think you realize its probably best to wait. Its just hard hearing it. I wouldn't do anything my DH was uncomfortable with. Yes it may seem like forever- boy do I remember that feeling, but I would give it more time. In 3 months your DH may change his mind and become onboard with the idea or you could be matched. Hang in there and I will definetly pop in more often to see how its going for you.
 

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Have you thought about advertising yourselves as a potential adoptive family? Letters to doctors, websites, Spanish-language newspaper ads etc.? I wouldn't pay an agency 2x the money either, not when you are statistically likely to end up adopting from your original pool. But at the same time, I'd want to make myself known as widely as possible in the community of people who might be wanting to place a newborn in a Spanish-speaking household...<br><br>
... and doing all that would give you something to focus on while you are waiting for your agency to do its job. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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This just leaves me frustrated. I honestly think it should be illegal for agencies to charge different prices for adoption services based on race.<br><br>
We're focused on international adoption and in many ways it is the same story. Adopting from Africa is less expensive than adopting from Latin America which is less expensive than Asia and so on. I know there are many reasons for this, but still it doesn't seem right.<br><br>
I'm frustrated with adoption agencies in general right now. It seems like adoption, at least through agencies, has become absurdly expensive.
 

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I think the entire process is absurd. You have babies who need homes and families who want to love and care for them, yet you can't get the two together. In June, it will be two years since we signed with our agency. We have lots of valid reasons for working with them, but this is insane. Our youngest was 24 months old when we decided to add a fourth child to our family. She will be four in a few weeks! For all we know, we are fertile, and I sometimes wonder if this insanely long wait is a sign that we shouldn't be trying to adopt at all.<br><br>
Sesa, I know exactly how you feel; how ethics get fuzzy when emotions take over. You made your original choice with a clear head, so I think you should stick with it. Good luck with your decision.
 

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Hi everyone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I'm bumping this up again because my dh and I have been revisiting this decision again. It has now been 9.5 months and still nothing. The claim is that our agency's average placement time right now is 13 months, but it is not unusual for families to wait much longer. Our family is expected to be one of those longer waiting ones because we have two children already.<br><br>
It has been a very long and hard road. I feel like the last decade of my life has been spent trying to build our family. It has been full of heartache and chaos. And loads of dissapointment. I am ready for this journey to be over. Its not only the desire for our next child, it is the need for this horrible process to end.<br><br>
I spoke to our councelor again this week and she still thinks we would have a better chance if we were open to both programs. But her suggestion was not to limit ourselves to just hispanic children, but to be open to all children. This does not sit as well with my husband or myself as we really do not think a nother caucasian sibling is in our dd's best interest. But realistically are we going to pay more than double what we are now just for a 10% higher chance?<br><br>
We are discussing getting a wheelchair adapted van. our dd is almost 11 and it is getting really difficult to transport her without the van. My dh is really pushing to move forward with this more expensive program instead and hold off on the van a couple of years.<br><br>
I am not sure what to do. On the one hand, it is nice to feel hopeful. On the other, it is A LOT of money and there is absolutely no guarantee things will go any quicker for us. What if we spend all this extra money, and we are still waiting next year?<br><br>
I don't know what to do.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s, Theresa. I don't know what to suggest--and I totally hear you on it being difficult to transport an older child with special needs, and on money being tight. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
The increase in placement chances is about 10% if you opt for joining the more expensive program? Or is it if you open yourself up to adopting a caucasian baby?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RedOakMomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15724339"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s, Theresa. I don't know what to suggest--and I totally hear you on it being difficult to transport an older child with special needs, and on money being tight. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
The increase in placement chances is about 10% if you opt for joining the more expensive program? Or is it if you open yourself up to adopting a caucasian baby?</div>
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Well... they have about a 10% population of hispanic birthmoms, so if we stuck to that we would have an increased chance of about 10%. If we opened up to caucasian children as well, we would increase our chances more because then we would be able to be looked at by all birthmoms. The thing is, there is more than double the number of families in the other more expensive program. So we would be one of about 100+ instead of 1 in about 35.
 

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Is your counselor encouraging you because they want your money? Why don't they call you if they have a hispanic baby that might work for you and THEN you could fork over the money? Why should you be the one to make the adjustments, why can't they? (They'll have a reason why, but that's just so they can get more money.)<br><br>
Wouldn't it be better to take the extra money and put it towards a different agency instead?
 

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I'm assuming that you meant to type "caucasian" baby. Because that's where the extra (non-subsidized) fees are.<br><br>
That sounds too much like baby selling to me, though.
 

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Personally, if it were me, I'd stick with the AA program and wait.<br><br>
There is something really wonky to me about the agency charging you at the higher rate no matter what. That just seems off.<br><br>
I know how hard the waiting is. Believe me, I know. We had wait times change substantially when we were in the process. But it's going to be a few months extra in the grand scheme of things. I'm sorry if that's no consolation right now, but it sounds to me like the AA program is where your heart is.
 

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I dont know a whole lot about private adoption....but is it possible to work with some kind of referral service while staying with your agency? I know that where i live there is a woman that runs an agency and she usually has such a need for parents wanting to adopt AA babies, but she also can charge a fee to just refer a birthmom to your own agency (i think? as i said, i dont really pay too close attention to private situations....), i dont think the fee is alot, a few hundred dollars maybe? She has been very helpful to some people i know. Maybe something similar to that would work for you?
 

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I would stick with the original plan and be firm with the agency that I wanted a nonwhite child.<br>
Or I'd find another agency. And explore other options.<br>
I'd use the money for the wheelchair van.<br>
But that's just me.
 
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