[ktmama]

Hi all! I often lurk here, but don't often post, mostly because I'm trying very hard to leave my dd1 and her dad alone and go about my life.

However.....I find that I'm getting frustrated with our parenting plan. Here's why:

My 11 yo dd rarely spends time with her dad and never spends time alone with her dad without her best friend. OK, that bothers me, but not as much as where she spends her time. For example, she was with her dad this past weekend. He picked her up on Friday early afternoon. She went directly to her bf's home (a family I'm really uncomfortable with - but that's a different post entirely) where she spent the rest of the day and slept over. The next day (Saturday) at noon, he picked both of them up and took them to his house where they shared a belated Thanksgiving. Then that night, the bf slept over at dd's dad's house and the next day all three of them went bowling together and then they took bf home late in the afternoon and my dd went to work with her dad on a Sunday night. This scenario is fairly typical of her weekends with dad.

He owns his own business and schedules jobs even when dd is with him. Always has, but he used to take her with him more. Now he takes her to her bf's most of the time. I've talked with him and told him she is always welcome here, but he doesn't take me up on it. She is too timid with him to press the issue and I'm sure she likes being at her friend's house - for all the reasons I don't want her there so much - unlimited TV and video games, crap food, no parental supervision, dangerous/questionable parental decisions, etc...

I am soooo loathe to create any drama by asking for a change in the parenting plan, but I'm thinking this situation calls for it. Anyone BTDT or at least can offer some insight?

TIA!

 

[fek&fuzz]

I would leave it alone. At that age, a girl wants to be with her friends more than her dad, usually, and it's nice that he's honoring it and still spending time with her. They don't need to be alone together for every minute of his parenting time (just as I'm sure you aren't), and he doesn't need to not work when it's his time with her - working is a fact of life and it happens when it happens, especially when you are running your own business.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz I would leave it alone. At that age, a girl wants to be with her friends more than her dad, usually, and it's nice that he's honoring it and still spending time with her. They don't need to be alone together for every minute of his parenting time (just as I'm sure you aren't), and he doesn't need to not work when it's his time with her - working is a fact of life and it happens when it happens, especially when you are running your own business.

I have to agree with this. I think it's nice that the Dad is getting to know your DD's friends and they are doing fun outings all together. He is involved with his daughter and her life... he doesn't need to spend the whole visit one on one with her. He is showing he is there and interested in her life/friends, therefore interested in her. I think that is pretty cool.

 

[mild_adventurer]

I agree with Fek and JSMa, so I won't add anything there.

I do want to just give you a little support around the issue of being uncomfotable with your daughter spending time in a home (her bf's) that you feel is not always the healthiest environment. We're finding this to be the case with our kids too (esp. now that they're getting older and making friends outside of my own circle of friends), and it can be hard to let go of control. Your DD will probably go through a few years of thinking that families like her bf's are pretty cool because it's so loosy-goosy over there, but if you keep providing her with a healthy environment and good examples, she'll untimately see that her mom is the bomb.

 

[mtiger]

I have to agree, too. When my two go to their Dad's our son usually spends a fair bit of time with a friend he has up there. Just like here at home, he spends a lot of time with his friends. Do I wish he'd spend more time with his Dad or me? Sure, I do. But I remember that age, and time with my friends was more important than that with my folks. It makes our time together better. Plus, since they're always allowed here, I know almost all of his friends.

Same with our daughter, although she spends more time with Dad & stepMom. Of course, she's somewhat more mercenary (Mom - they take me shopping. Do you think I'm stupid?). At home, it's the same deal as with her brother. Lots of friend time.

The older they get, the more important their friends are. As parents, we need to recognize that and readjust our own thinking. No matter which "side" of the parenting thing we're on.