[derek]

Okay, so basically I'm just stupid for thinking that my daughter would never really ask me about her mom until she was old enough to comprehend what I would explain to her. I'm living in an apartment building and my daughter goes to school with a girl 2 floors down, they've become very friendly and I've gotten close enough to her parents to let them take my daughter out with them and do things with them. This is the first time she's really experienced the concept of a mom and now she wants to know why she doesn't have one but I don't know what to tell her. I want to be honest with her but I know she's too young to understand it, and I don't want her to hurt from honesty.

I don't know what to do. At all.

 

[shelbean91]

I'm not a single parent, and I don't know your situation, but I think just explain as simply and truthfully as you can. How old is she?

 

[derek]

She's 6.

 

[LandonsMommy]

Im a soon to be mommy, and a single parent. And my bigesst fear is going to be explaining why daddy's not around. But I know from growing up being lied to about it isnt the best way to go about it. Not saying you are going to do that.

But in my opinion from being in that childs shoes once, your best bet is to explain it to her trufuly. Its going to hurt her no matter how you put, dont suger coat it. But dont make it to blunt eather. Nucher her after you tell her she will need it. Love your daughter, let her know you love her. Everthing will work out. good luck

 

[shelbean91]

Do you have any other friends with different family situations? Not all families have a mom/dad situation. Some are single parents, some are mom/mom or dad/dad situations. My daughter is 5, and as I said, I'm not a single parent, so I'm just brainstorming- but i'm thinking something along the lines of 'families come in all shapes and sizes- this is our family' If she asks what happened to her mom, answer as simply as you can, she will ask more as she needs to know.

 

[derek]

She's just 6 years old. She's just not going to understand. I'm so clueless right now, and sleepless on top of that.

 

[derek]

Quote:

Originally Posted by shelbean91 Do you have any other friends with different family situations? Not all families have a mom/dad situation. Some are single parents, some are mom/mom or dad/dad situations. My daughter is 5, and as I said, I'm not a single parent, so I'm just brainstorming- but i'm thinking something along the lines of 'families come in all shapes and sizes- this is our family' If she asks what happened to her mom, answer as simply as you can, she will ask more as she needs to know.

No, not at all. My only 'friends' are my brothers and none of them have any kids. I don't even think she understands what a mom is (as odd as that sounds). To her life is as simple as "me, daddy, buzz liteayear, and going to school for snack and recess" I really don't want that to change. Not yet anyways. I think if I answer this question the rest of the question I didn't want yet will come. The "where did I come from" "how did you get me" I sometimes don't think I can explain that to myself, nevermind someone else.

 

[magemom]

6 year olds comprehend alot. my son is 5 and has already pointed out how he has more brothers than anyone else, his sister is older and he doesn't have a grandma living in our house. not all at once mind you, but at several different occasions. to him they aren't crititcal, just trying to sort the world out for himself. do you guys read together? i try to keep our library filled with books of all sorts of families.

 

[derek]

That's a good idea...maybe I can find a book or something..

As far as pointing things out, my daughter's quite oblivious.

 

[Medusa]

I'm going to quote myself here

This is what I wrote in another thread along the same lines...replace "mother" with "father".

Quote:

My son is almost 5 and has never known a father, or a father figure. When he's asked me about it I've told him that all families are differant. Some children have mothers and fathers, some have 2 mamas, or 2 dads, some have just a dad, and he has a mother that loves him more than anything in the world. A few months ago the moment I had lived in fear of came, and some well meaning (but stupid) stranger asked him where his daddy was...he gave them a big smile and said "I don't have a daddy, this is my mama." I think if you let go of the father issue and really embrace the idea of you and your child being a whole, unbroken, complete family your child will too.

 

[trinity6232000]

My dd is turning 5 next week and she totally grasps that her family
is different. I talked a little (and gave a GREAT book recommendation
on this subject) in my post More dd reactions.

Remember I said different, not lacking, or wrong when I described my
dd's feelings on the subject. Lately she has been pretty matter a
fact about our family. It's been cool cause the more she talks, I talk,
and she talks more. I have learned so much about how she feels on
this all. It's made me feel good hearing how she describes us, and how
she feels. I know in the future if a child asks her where her Dad is she
will have a intelligent answer.

 

[L.J.]

I keep things simple and honest with my kids (who are 3 & 7).
Their dad didn't see them for 5 months last year and there were TONS of questions.

I find if you answer ONLY the question asked, it helps. Example: "Where is my mom?" You either say where she is (if you know) or that you don't know (if you don't). Sometimes the question will stop there. If they need more they'll say, "why is she there?" you can answer, "because that's where she lives." Again, don't provide more than is being asked. When she needs more, she'll ask more. My son seems to probe a litte further each year.

When their dad hasn't been around I have said things like, "your dad is (wherever)." "For whatever reasons he is choosing not to be here right now." "I'm not exactly sure why." "He's doing the best he can, but for whatever reasons, he feels like he can't be here with you right now."

It has alwasy helped me to look beyond my ex & our own crap and see him as a person. The only reason he sucks as a parent is because no one has ever shown him how to do better and for whatever reasons, he has chosen not to learn to do better on his own. He is hurt and scared and afraid that if he gets close to the kids he will get hurt like he has all throughout his life. He is a hurt child himself and instead of choosing to get through his stuff, rise above it and be better from it all, he decides to let it rule his life and remain a victim.

I constantly stress to my children that everyone makes choices and the choices their dad (or anyone else makes) is about that person, not them. Their dad is away from them because of something inside him that holds him back. It is something he has to deal with and he projects that to every relationship in his life. (I don't get so intellectual with them, but you probably get the idea). I just want to make sure that my children understand they can only control themsleves and that the choices of another are in no way about them.

Good luck. I know this part of single parenting can be challenging.

 

[Raynbow]

I'm anticipating this with my younger son, as well. He will grow up seeing his brother go visit his dad, but the chances of my stbxH ever showing an interest in his *currently* youngest child is highly unlikely.
What I plan to tell him is that his dad was with us for most of my pregnancy with him, but towards the end, he was under a lot of stress (work, older kids, finances, etc) and just like people get sick in their bodies when their bodies are under a lot of stress, he got sick in his mind. When this happened, he felt like he wasn't able to control his behaviors and that it was better that he leave and instead of being a bad daddy and husband, just not be one at all.
I don't know how T will accept this, but while it is true, it is a lot nicer then telling the child that his daddy ran off with his mistress three weeks before he was born, and abandoned all five of his children (as well as his wife) to be with this woman. He did suffer some sort of mental breakdown, so... it's just a gentler way of saying that dad lost it and took off.
I don't know if you can apply this to your situation, but you have to figure that any parent who would willingly abandon their child(ren) has to have some sort of mental breakdown or deficiency, right?

 

[derek]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raynbow I don't know if you can apply this to your situation, but you have to figure that any parent who would willingly abandon their child(ren) has to have some sort of mental breakdown or deficiency, right?

Ha, well in my situation, not really. She knew what she was doing. So did the rest of her family.
Being 16 and having had this same girlfriend since I was 14 and I had known her a while before that, kinda grew up with her, at 16 we had sex and she got pregnant. What I didn't know before and after was that her and her family were moving - to England (her dads from England originally and that's where all his family is). They pushed back the moving by about four months, with me still not knowing nothing of it, and when my daughter was 3 months old, they left. I know it's not entirely her fault but she knew all along and never said anything which I think is wrong. I still talk to her older brother as he stayed here and doesn't associate with his family much because of what she/they did. He says she doesn't even care when asked about her baby.

In reality, I'm glad she left because clearly she's no good for my little girl. It's hard for me because obviously I'm doing this alone and now comes the questions that I don't know how to answer.

I'm not really concerned about answering her on this one anymore, at least not for now. She came in with me early this morning and we talked, with her presenting her questions and me giving her the answers. I learned that my daughter is highly unaware of the concept of a mother. She said "daddy allie's daddy kissed her mommy and a big hug too" and she's giggling as she tells me this., and this is all while she has no idea what a mother really is. I managed to explain to her how our family is just me and her and how her friend's family is a mom, dad, a brother, and her. She seemed to understand it on a level that fit her for now, there were still a couple "how come i don't have one of those" in reguards to a mother and a brother. She's very outgoing and not afraid to talk to me about anything, so I guess as long as I can keep her that way, I should be all set.

 

[PoppyMama]

I answer honestly but try to make it short and simple without seeming to cut off the conversation. I am willing to discuss it to any length but kids have a hard time taking it in big chunks. I have decided to leave off judgement for my x and just accept that some people have skills and some don't. Do I think he should go find some- sure, but I can't alter another person's behavior so I just stick with me. My dad cut off from me at a much older age and I had even lived with just him for years. Whenever I talked about it with my mom should would get this sadish, mystified look on her face and say he must be out of his mind or he has just gone crazy. She never said anything bad about him or condemned him- just pitied him for not having the skills. Even if I don't always believe it it is a comforting thought.

Not feeling a connection to your child that makes you live or die for them is against biology and therefore a mental problem IMO, so telling my kids that their father is sick and unable to care for them is not a lie to me.

 

[dreadmama]

Derek,

It sounds like a tough situation. I've been finding that answering the questions with only as much detail as necessary is enough, as some others have posted. It can get tricky when there is a little bit of contact, but not much and without any consistancy. So you are lucky in that your daughter will not have to deal with the sometimes here, then gone for a while scenarios that can cause extra heartache.

I wonder though, why you feel that your daughter has no concept of a mother. You may be surprised how much she understands. If she reads books (or has them read to her) and has some friends at school, then she has been exposed to the concept of Mother. Also, if you've ever mentioned your own Mother, especially with your brothers then she has an awareness of what that means. However, she most likely doesn't feel bad that she is lacking one; she just doesn't have one in her life... if that makes sense.

An example is that my almost 3 year old hasn't seen her dad since her 2nd birthday party. She has seen him a total of 4 times since I left him when she was 4 months old. They did talk on the phone off and on over the past couple of years, but not very often. She recently said "I want daddy, I want daddy". I had to explain to her that he lives far away, and it is difficult for them to talk. He lives in England, where he was born and raised, and he finally went back there this year (so his harrassment has subsided significantly!) Anyway, I told her that he loves her very much, but that we couldn't all be together. I asked her if she was sad about it, and she said no. We have had the same conversation a few times, and each time she always says that it doesn't make her sad. By the way, she is very aware of feelings, and likes to point out how people (or characters in books) are feeling by their facial expressions or their comments. So I know that she knows what 'sad' means.

I'd continue what you are doing, providing a loving family for her, and answering her questions about her Mother as they come up. By keeping it positive and only telling her the bare minimum, it will let her know that there isn't anything wrong with her family, it is just the way it is.

 

[derek]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreadmama I wonder though, why you feel that your daughter has no concept of a mother. You may be surprised how much she understands. If she reads books (or has them read to her) and has some friends at school, then she has been exposed to the concept of Mother. Also, if you've ever mentioned your own Mother, especially with your brothers then she has an awareness of what that means. However, she most likely doesn't feel bad that she is lacking one; she just doesn't have one in her life... if that makes sense.

I know what your saying. I guess when I say she has no concept of a mother I mean for herself, but really not even because she doesn't see any particular person as a mother. What I mean by that is like my mom she sees as her grammy, her friends moms she sees as whatever she calls them for a name. I know she knows what a mom is and such, but she just doesn't understand it on her own level, which is okay because she will as she gets older and I can more easily explain things to her.

Fortunately, I'm not really having the same issues I was when I first posted, she's not concerned anymore and she's back to asking questions like why my shirt is blue and if blue isn't my favorite color, why do I wear a blue shirt?

 

[morgainesmama]

I'm glad you have worked things out for now. It's probably a question you will address again and again -- the question really is, "Why don't I have what they have?" It can be hurtful for kids to feel that a parent has abandoned them, but my daughter, at 5.5, is grasping my divorce well, understands that one of her close friends has a Mommy in heaven and lives with her Daddy and stepmother. She yearns for a sister.

We've talked about adoption and foster care, and how some mamas and daddies just weren't really meant to be mamas, so people who are better at taking care of children are their mommas and daddies instead. This would fit in yoru case.

nak and rambling, but what i'm trying to say is, kids are always going to ask about those who are different than them. Sounds like she's got a great dad and she'll be ok.

Kristi

 

[Raynbow]

Oh, I'm not saying she didn't know exactly what she was doing - my stbx certainly knew precisely what he was doing. I mean that they have a mental or emotional deficiency - that they are lacking a basic instinct (to love and care for their offspring).