[lyndzelove]

I feel like I've tried everything with my son to get him to be gentle with his little sister. So far nothing has worked. He's 29mos and he is developmentally delayed his communication understanding is more at an 18mo level. My daughter is 10mos and most of the time they play reasonably well and they do great in guided play. But if she has something he wants or she is in his way he will immediately push her down. Is there anything that would even be effective at his "level". I've talked to his ped and was given no advice. Any advice would be much appreciated.

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[onlyboys]

Oh, that's no good.

I can tell you what I would do. I'd follow them around (lots of work) and make sure that he only uses gentle, peaceful touches. If I sense or see that he will be approaching her with aggression in mind, I'd hold him. It would be hard for a while, but then I can imagine that it would get better. I've done this in a modified way for playgroups with my slightly aggressive son.

Hope this helps!

 

[lyndzelove]

That's a good idea. I will definitely give it a try. Thanks so much.

 

[OTMomma]

I just started reading Siblings Without Rivalry- it is awsome and I totally recommend it. Last week I was staying with a friend and our toddlers started acting like siblings with my dd was agressive to her son who is younger. The book's suggestion is to immediately give lots of attention to the victim (your dd) so the agressor gets niether what he wants nor extra attention. So if he goes to take a toy and pushes her- you scoop her up with the toy and tell her- "Oh, that looked like it hurt. Brother needs to be more gentle with you doesn't he?" and then possibly remove her to be with you. There is SO much more in the book, so I hope this simple explaination helps as a starter. But this technique REALLY worked with our toddlers, along with some of the other ideas. I was so impressed to find anything that worked with toddlers.

Good luck!
Laura

 

[Piglet68]

I'll preface this post by saying I really loved Siblings Without Rivalry. Especially where they talk about validating the feelings of the jealous child. I don't, however, agree with the idea of lavishing attention on the victim. I don't think sibs get into arguments as a way of seeing who mom is going to pay more attention to. I also think it's likely to make the "agressor" feel even more jealous towards the "victim", building resentment rather than dissipating it. I also think the negative emotions that the "agressor" will feel upon witnessing this lavishing of affection are going to interfere with their ability to deal with the emotions and situation at hand.

My feeling is that you should do as onlyboys says and be there to model, model, model. It will take time, especially if he's a challenged child to start with, but it's worth it, IMO. Also try to use validation techniques to help him recognize what he's feeling, and how he can better deal with it.

JMHO.

 

[gaialice]

I both agree and disagree with Piglet.
It is sure a lot better to follow them around to prevent damage, express compassion for the needs of the potential aggressor and explain how to deal with the situation better.
For instance, when I see my two girls (4 and 2) are going to get into a fight over a toy I will say, please try to figure out a way how to solve this problem between the two of you. Now yours are a lot younger, but saying this sentence over and over really worked for me. Initially, I would say, if no solution within 1 min. I decide what to do, and then it is usually take turns, find a similar toy, etc. However, recently, they have been able to come up with solutions of their very own, more creative and intelligent than mine, so I delay my intervention further and let them scratch their heads.
Occasionally, however, I am late and I get there when damage has been done. In this case, honestly, I do not want to get into an argument of who did what first and I prefer to give a big hug to whoever is crying initially ignoring the other and then asking her to find a solution (giving a little treat, some fruit, a glass of water) to help me calm big/little sister. I prefer this to saying "hey dd1 no pushing dd2" or "be more gentle with little sister" because this will prompt a long array of protests about how it was all little sister's fault if big sister agressed her! Now I do not want to hear that!!

 

[granolamom]

I agree with piglet...I have always felt that lavishing attention on the victim is basically dishonest( what you are truly wanting is the agressors behavior to stop) and kids can see through it very quickly... I do not mean that if a child is crying from being hurt that they are not comforted....I just mean not to "lavish"........as means to stop hurtful behavior from another child.

I agree with onlyboys in her advice to model gentle..peaceful touches.

Peace to you,
Granolamom

 

[SouthernMommaOf2]

My daughter is 2 and she plays a little boy that is 2.5 and they are great together but occasionally he gets aggressive. The way me and my friend handle it is when he pushes my daughter or takes a toy away...he gives the toy back and hugs my daughter and then sits down for a little relax time to think about why he did that. I am not sure if he really sits and thinks about it, probably not..but he does sit down and takes a little time out...he is not put in another room he is put right next to one of us in the playroom and he talks and what not and then one of us tells him that it hurts so and so's feelings when you are mean...that hurts his feelings more than anything so far. Hope you find out something that works for you all.

Good Luck Mama,
Mandi