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I could really use some advice from the wonderful step moms on this board, please. Fair warning, it is a sad story and on the long side.
I had my oldest dd (M) shortly after turning eighteen. M's father and I were never married and split up shortly after finding out I was pregnant, we only even dated for about 6 months. Not long after M was born her father married a girl we had both known in highschool. At first I was embarrassingly nasty towards her. Think combination being a teenager, just had baby hormones and so called "friends" urging me on. As time wore on M's father showed very little desire to have a relationship with M, but his wife did and his grandparents, who financially supported him, insisted on continuing visitation rights. Turns out his wife was pretty wonderful with M, I really believe in my heart that she loved/loves M. We never had what you would call a close relationship but after the first really icky months after my dd was born we had no problems with each other, and was really grateful that she turned out so caring towards M. It was, after all about dd, not us. When M was almost 4 years old she called me at work one day frantic asking if anyone had called to say they were not picking up dd for visitation this weekend or not. I had not heard from anyone. Crying she told me that M's father had kicked her out and moved a very undesirable older, much older, woman in with him. She told me many other things that would curl your toes and begged me not to send dd that weekend. I called and confirmed her story with M's father's family and kept M home until we finally arranged for her to visit at his grandmothers. They were divorced shortly there after. I will always be so grateful to her for calling me that day.
Fast forward 4 more years (when dd was eight) and sadly M's father committed suicide. She still visits her paternal grandparents one weekend a month and occasionally for special events.
I have not spoken to her since that day she called me at work. Then a couple of days ago I go on facebook and there on the side as one of those random friends recommendation things is her picture. I was a little shocked, I had not thought of her in forever. She looks great, is married and has 2 little ones.
So here is the question. I never really properly expressed to her how grateful I was/am to her. Not only for calling me when all that happened but also for making me feel like my dd was safe at her fathers when otherwise I wouldn't have. For loving my daughter, for treating her so good all those years. Should I write her a thank you note? Or would that be like pouring salt on a wound bringing back up a painful part of her past? They never had any children together so it is possible that she has worked to forget him altogether, and my dd in the mix.
How would you feel to get a thank you letter in such a situation?
Thank you all for hearing me out.
I had my oldest dd (M) shortly after turning eighteen. M's father and I were never married and split up shortly after finding out I was pregnant, we only even dated for about 6 months. Not long after M was born her father married a girl we had both known in highschool. At first I was embarrassingly nasty towards her. Think combination being a teenager, just had baby hormones and so called "friends" urging me on. As time wore on M's father showed very little desire to have a relationship with M, but his wife did and his grandparents, who financially supported him, insisted on continuing visitation rights. Turns out his wife was pretty wonderful with M, I really believe in my heart that she loved/loves M. We never had what you would call a close relationship but after the first really icky months after my dd was born we had no problems with each other, and was really grateful that she turned out so caring towards M. It was, after all about dd, not us. When M was almost 4 years old she called me at work one day frantic asking if anyone had called to say they were not picking up dd for visitation this weekend or not. I had not heard from anyone. Crying she told me that M's father had kicked her out and moved a very undesirable older, much older, woman in with him. She told me many other things that would curl your toes and begged me not to send dd that weekend. I called and confirmed her story with M's father's family and kept M home until we finally arranged for her to visit at his grandmothers. They were divorced shortly there after. I will always be so grateful to her for calling me that day.
Fast forward 4 more years (when dd was eight) and sadly M's father committed suicide. She still visits her paternal grandparents one weekend a month and occasionally for special events.
I have not spoken to her since that day she called me at work. Then a couple of days ago I go on facebook and there on the side as one of those random friends recommendation things is her picture. I was a little shocked, I had not thought of her in forever. She looks great, is married and has 2 little ones.
So here is the question. I never really properly expressed to her how grateful I was/am to her. Not only for calling me when all that happened but also for making me feel like my dd was safe at her fathers when otherwise I wouldn't have. For loving my daughter, for treating her so good all those years. Should I write her a thank you note? Or would that be like pouring salt on a wound bringing back up a painful part of her past? They never had any children together so it is possible that she has worked to forget him altogether, and my dd in the mix.
How would you feel to get a thank you letter in such a situation?
Thank you all for hearing me out.
