[AuntRayRay]

Hi mama's...

I would really appreciate any ideas on what I can do with my 9year old son. He goes to public school and has a full-time aide with some support classes basically for behavior's. We've been to the pyschologist and nuerologist for years. They have said things like: ADHD, possible bipolar, ODD, Impulsivity disorder.. of course med's have been mentioned plenty of times! Jio has a serious heart condition so that has always saved us from too much pushing on the med's issue. I really don't want him to have to take med's (he's already on med's for the heart). So Jio's biggest problems as I see it are NOT LISTENING! For instance: "jio please don't make yourself something without asking me first" He says ok and then does it anyway all the time. Or : "Jio your not allowed outside without asking" He says OK and yep he does it anyway continuosly. Sometimes it can be very dangerous....he took fireworks to school one day and got caught and was suspended. He had stole them from my BF's house in the first place. Then later that same day I catch him walking down the hall with a pencil on FIRE..that he had apparently lit on the stove. I saw a glowing light reflecting in the window and I quickly got up and got a glimpse of him and YELLED of course and he blows it out and throws it in a pile of clothes in his room (where the baby was sleeping) and denies he had anything and I yelled frainticly for him to get it and when he did it was still glowing and smoking! What if I hadn't seen it! He is 9 years old and I shouldn't have to walk around after him. When I asked him why he did that he said he didn't like the pencil! Those are just one of the dangerous things that he's done recently. More so it's that he just doesn't listen though. The psychologist suggests "Time out" which I personally think doesn't work. My other son is autistic which makes it even harder sometimes. Any advice would be appreciated....
Also Jio is definelty sensitive to artifical colors...he gets a red ear and is SOOO much more irritable so we stay away from that stuff (don't like it anyway), but I have a hard time with the school. There constantly giving out candy as rewards and esp. now with the end of the year! It drives me crazy!

Thanks in advance!

RayRay

 

[4evermom]

Is there anyway you can set things up so he can get snacks w/o asking? Maybe if you are able to set things up so he can be more independent, things would improve. Being afraid of getting in trouble is a major problem (hiding a smoldering pencil) so I agree with you that punishments like time-outs are not a good idea. If I were 9, I'd be pretty annoyed about having to ask permission about everything, though I understand why you want him to. Even just changing the wording to "tell me if you are making something" instead of "ask me" might help. It is hard to act responsible if you are not given responsibility. It is equally hard to give someone responsibility who is not acting responsible, but somehow you have to at least give him the illusion that he is responsible so that he can become responsible. Easier said then done.
I would also really get on the school's back about giving out candy, as well. Maybe you could print up that article against rewards by Alfie Kohn for his next teacher. I'd lay it on real heavily about giving him foods that he has sensitivities to, and him with a heart condition!

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/tcags.htm

 

[AuntRayRay]

4evermom:
Thanks for your suggestions

I know when I was 9 I would get snacks and drinks whenever (without asking)....Sometimes I get so frustrated it seems like "all or nothing" with him. I am thinking about giving one space in the fridge and maybe one space in the cabinet that he could use without permission..just letting me know. Only because honestly he'll eat "all" the snacks in one day and I don't have the money to replace snacks so fast. Unfortunately if money wasn't an issue I wouldn't mind giving him a an area with snacks and he could eat as much as he wanted without permission. :LOL The things that end up dangerous in the kitchen are when he uses sharp knives and tries to cook on the stove. If I'm standing right there I don't mind, but most of the time he attempts when I'm busy. I am planning to talk to Jio's new teacher this September. Hopefully she'll be an open minded person...they said she's new.

Have a beautiful day!

RayRay

 

[4evermom]

Although he would undoubtedly demolish the contents of a snack shelf at first, he might not continue to do so after the novelty wears off. It's incredible to me how much my almost 4 y.o. can eat of a new food but it only lasts a couple days. You could also stock it nightly, after he's in bed, or first thing in the morning. Eventually, you could stock it weekly.

My thinking on him "telling you" if he is preparing food is that you would at least know you should be worried. It beats not realizing he is doing something in the kitchen.

I let my ds "play" with fire because he is fascinated with it. I try to keep matches and lighters out of reach and out of sight but my brother's friends sometimes leave them in strange places, like in the garage or on the patio. Ds will also find them on walks. Since he is capable of lighting both lighters and matches, and I can't keep them out of his hands, I work on the rule that he can use them in certain places with a grown up watching. I'm hoping this will keep him from experimenting in the attic

: Motherhood is starting to get a bit scary because ds is just getting comfortable being in different parts of the house alone and even going outside alone. It's nice that he doesn't need constant company now, but I feel the grey hair growing. I wish I lived someplace with an open floor plan and good visibility to the yard!

 

[AuntRayRay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4evermom My thinking on him "telling you" if he is preparing food is that you would at least know you should be worried. It beats not realizing he is doing something in the kitchen.

This is true!

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4evermom Motherhood is starting to get a bit scary because ds is just getting comfortable being in different parts of the house alone and even going outside alone. It's nice that he doesn't need constant company now, but I feel the grey hair growing.

Definately grey hairs here :LOL

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4evermom I wish I lived someplace with an open floor plan and good visibility to the yard!

I do too...
Both DS#1 and DS#2 love to go outside! And they both will just run outside in to back yard. Somedays I try to just watch from the kitchen as long as there staying where I can see them, but the other day DS#1 had been riding his bike and came in saying the neighbor accused him of scratching there car when he threw his bike to the ground. He says he didn't do it, but he has been not telling the truth quite often these days so I don't know? The neighbor (whose always nice to us BTW) was so upset I heard her yelling to her sister while baracading the car with a bunch of her garbage cans!! I felt awful....everytime I let him go outside by himself it always back fires...

RayRay

 

[Piglet68]

My best friend's teenage son has Asperger's. What she has learned over many, many years of struggling with this, ends up being surprisingly similar to just plain ol' gentle discipline principles. The basic assumption is "if he WON'T, it's because he CAN'T".

Just for an example, her son has a really hard time following verbal instructions. Every week it's his job to take the garbage to the curb, and every week the instructions need to be repeated in detail for him, including any slight changes to the routine, such as an extra bag that isn't in a can but sitting beside the can - this can throw him off. He's not stupid - he's an A student, but his brain doesn't process things the way most peoples' do. It's not that he doesn't want to do it, he wants to help out - he's a great kid! - but he just needs things to be done in ways that aren't always obvious.

By using this approach, she is able to "think outside the box" rather than stew in frustration about her son's behaviour. She goes on the assumption that he wants to help, that he wants to "be good", and that any diversion from that is because he is confused, dealing with something he can't express, or just completely misunderstands (which is not the same as "not listening").

The point is, if telling your son not to do things doesn't work, don't assume he "isn't listening", assume that this method of communicating with him is ineffective. Look at the problem from a different point of view, and most importantly INVOLVE HIM. Talk to him about his behaviours, really listen to him and what he is feeling. Try to come up with ideas together about how things can be changed, how you can work together to make things easier on both of you.

I think you would really benefit from the type of communication/listening skills taught in such books as "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen..." by Faber and Mazlish, and "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Gordon. Also "Giving the Love That Heals" by Harville Hendrix discusses these techniques as well. This will give you some tools to improve communication, and also get your son involved in solving the problems you are dealing with.

HTH!

 

[AuntRayRay]

Piglet68:
Thanks for replying

It helps to hear other people's situation and what they do or how they "think" differently. My other son is Autistic and I really relate to the garbage example. I am going to look into the books your suggested too.

Sometimes I wish "others" could be more understanding though....alot of times that's one of our biggest problems....teachers, barbers,neighbors, family members, etc.....I do try really hard to talk to my son about his behavior and why certain things are not ok or that there dangerous. Sometimes he surprises me...I had to take the three of them to work with me Tues and Wed and I explained to him if you don't behave while at my job...I could loose my job. He was very well behaved

. Think it was a combination of me telling him that and that he was planning a board game most of the time and wasn't bored. When he's bored...that's when there's major problems. Anyway thanks for listening...it really helps

RayRAy