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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've posted in here before. One of the first times I ever posted on this site... I had just found out I was pregnant with my now 4.5 month old baby girl. My boyfriends reaction to the pregnancy was that he hopes I miscarry. I came on here and posted about how I had left him.. everyone told me how proud they were and how I was doing the right thing. I really should have listened.. I guess I'll just continue the story after that. Give you the gist of it, anyway..<br><br>
He came to my work to talk to me a few weeks after I had left. He told me he was sorry and he wanted to be together and make things work and somehow convinced me that my family was only making things worse. Stupidly, I went back to him. I have stayed with him from that point until now, pretty much. Things got a little better right before we had the baby, but his attitude towards women, and me never REALLY changed. When I tell my sister the things he says to me she can't believe it OR that anyone would put up with it. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else. Now that I've had the baby, things have become bad. He is controlling to every aspect of my life. He completely manipulates me to never leave the house, doesn't want me to see my family because he knows they know how he is and he's afraid they will talk me into leaving. The past month all we EVER do is fight, I think I've given up even trying. He is not a good person. All he does is argue with me, and he blames all of our problems on me and won't take any of the responsibility, he tells me I'm just an unhappy person and no matter where I go I will be unhappy so I can't scapegoat him for my unhappiness. He tells me any other guy would just ignore me, I should be happy with the attention he gives me. He also tells me I couldn't survive without him and I will realize that if I ever leave. One time I told him I really want to go to college and he lectured me for 2 hours about how pointless college is and how I shouldn't go because I have 'family obligations' and how I need to 'self-educate' myself instead like he did. I'm pretty sure he's just intimidated If I go I will become more intelligent and be able to be more financially secure than he is.<br><br>
He was on the verge of getting another job so I could stay home with the baby, MUCH to his dismay. He is not happy about doing this, doesn't REALLY care about me having time with the baby though he tells everyone we know that is his reason, he is only doing it out of some societal obligation in his mind. He told me yesterday that he does all the work around here (Even though I do ALL the cleaning and take care of the baby 95% of the time, AND work) and he is mad that he's going to be out earning the money while I sit at home because just taking care of a baby isn't that hard.<br><br>
I guess I don't know what to do. I'm full of anxiety and I feel trapped here. I can't move in with anyone in my family and I haven't seen any friends in over a year thanks to him. I want to get on housing because I can't afford to pay real rent right now. The baby is the real victim here because she has to be in a house full of negativity and though we never fight in front of the her... I am incapable of being happy right now because of everything that is going on so I can't be the mother I want to be to her. I was scared to death of the thought of being a single mom but now I just know it's the right thing to do.<br><br>
I need advice/words of encouragement... how do I get out? What if he tries to go for full custody? We aren't married but he signed the paternity paper and Asia has his last name. I know my entire family could vouch for me about his character if it went to court, and he also has another child that he signed away rights to the mother, and ALSO an 'illegitimate' child he never did anything about and a few months before our baby came he got papers to sign away the rights to that child too (he says the kid isn't his.. but his friends all say it is and he never talked to the girl again), not sure if that would help me get full custody or not. What things should I do BEFORE I get ready to leave? If I apply for housing, it could take months to get accepted and that would mean I'd probably have to stay here and deal with this until that happened.<br><br>
I know I'm going to need years of therapy when this is all over. Hopefully I can get back on medicaid so I can pay for it..<br><br>
One thing I forgot to mention, I found out a few months ago he slept with his boss (who he is still friends with and works with every day) 3 days after finding out I was pregnant. I also found some sexual-innuendo-type texts to other girls in his phone once. He says I need to get over these things already and the fact that I don't trust him is what ruins our relationship. He says 'if you go looking for bad things about someone you will always find them' Those things really aren't that easy to get over, no matter HOW many excuses you make or how much you explain everything...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Lacrymosa</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14699896"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else.</div>
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DO NOT be embarrassed!!! One of the biggest problems for people in domestic violence situations is their feelings of shame and embarrassment, which keep them from telling anyone and holds them back from getting the help they need and deserve.<br><br><b><span style="text-decoration:underline;">You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of nor anything to be embarrassed about.</span></b> Say this to yourself over and over again until you believe it. Let this be your mantra to push you forward to get out.<br><br>
Contact your local domestic violence shelter to find out what your options are.<br><br>
Again... you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of nor anything to be embarrassed about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well, he's not physically abusive.. so not sure that counts. I'm mostly embarrassed that I've stayed through everything he's said and the way he's treated me.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Lacrymosa</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14700032"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, he's not physically abusive.. so not sure that counts. I'm mostly embarrassed that I've stayed through everything he's said and the way he's treated me.</div>
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Physical abuse if just ONE form of abuse and abuse doesn't always start with a physical episode.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">He completely manipulates me to never leave the house, doesn't want me to see my family because he knows they know how he is and he's afraid they will talk me into leaving.</td>
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"The goal of an abuser is control."<br><br>
Check out <a href="http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm" target="_blank">this site</a> and see if you can see any signs.
 

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Well the good thing is that it is never too late to leave. Don't feel ashamed that you went back to him. Get empowered in the fact that you realize it was a mistake and that you need to leave now. He won't be able to get full custody of a small baby. Don't leave the baby alone with him until you have a custody order in place if you choose to go that route. Don't worry about visitations or overnights because you aren't even there yet. He may be too wrapped up in seeing other women and realizing what a damper a crying baby puts on that situation to want much time with the baby at all. Find a way to get out and go from there. Even if it ends up in court it takes awhile to get anything ordered and overnights won't happen right away especially with a young babe.
 

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Do not quit your job!!!! I can't stress that enough! If you quit your job he will have total control over you.<br>
You obviously know what you need to do -- you need to leave this guy. He's bad, bad, bad news.<br>
Have you ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? I'm hearing elements of that in your post and I wouldn't be at all surprised if your BF had it -- read up on it -- <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/DS00442" target="_blank">http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bor...sorder/DS00442</a>.<br>
He is deliberately trying to isolate you -- you can see that, right? It's a very deliberate tactic on his part to get control over you. Reach out to your friends and family. Tell them honestly and openly what is going on in your life. Emotional abuse like this needs secrecy, and it can't flourish if it's out in the open.<br>
I promise you, they'll be thrilled to hear from you. You don't need to be ashamed. Reach out to people. They still love you.<br>
I escaped from a relationship that sounds a lot like this, and I promise you, you can escape from it too.<br>
Good luck, mama. You need to do this for your sake and the sake of your daughter.<br>
Oh, yeah, and of COURSE you should go to college. You can be strong, self-sufficient and educated for your baby girl.
 
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