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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not sure if this is in the right place, so mods, please feel free to move it if not.<br><br>
Please bear with me this may be long/rambly.<br><br>
I'm 29. My father has been married to my stepmother about 20 +/- years. She never had children of her own. She had a really hard time trying to adjust to being around a child, and as a result (which is not an excuse) was HORRID to me. She did a lot of intentionally mean things to me. She treated me like a second class citizen, had jealousy issues with my father and my relationship, etc etc etc.<br><br>
I sort of let it roll off, but I can't lie, I still hang on to the resentment and biterness that she fostered. For a long time I've kept them both at arm's length, because my father just defends her.<br><br>
When I got pregnant she started calling me more often.<br><br>
I had a hard pregnancy. At 36w 1d, I was admitted for induction because I had severe PIH. My BP stabilized and the induction was stopped. I was very emotional and was having a difficult time. This is when she started calling me every.single.day. Multiple times a day. 4, 5, 6 times. I stopped answering the phone. She is the LAST person I want to talk to when I feel that way.<br><br>
When I had the baby, she continued to call me constantly. I asked her every day to NOT call between 8am-1pm because baby and I were usually asleep. She called me EVERY day between those hours, multiple times. She would call the house, then the cell, then the house, etc. She apologized every time I admonished her. Then she started showing up at my door and POUNDING if I didn't answer the phone.<br><br>
I want it to be clear that she has serious boundary issues. After the last time she showed up I called my father and told him HE had to handle it because she is so defensive and manipulative. She promised to never show up again like that.<br><br>
Well, I started a FT job last week. She's shown up at my house TWICE (my SIL watches DD) while I'm at work. I DO NOT want that woman around DD when I'm not there to supervise. She's my child and I have the right to decide who has unlimited access to her, kwim? I don't trust my stepmother based on MY experiences with her over the years. She's really crossing the line and I need help.<br><br>
I don't know what to do. No matter HOW I broach it with her or my father it will be that I'm being a jerk and trying to keep them from DD, etc, etc, etc.<br><br>
HELP!
 

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Does your father know about any of this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yes he does. If I object, I'm being a jerk.<br><br>
Like, the first day that she stopped by while I was at work. He said "isn't it cute that she came over to play while you were at work?" and I said "no. it's good that she was gone when I got home for lunch or I would have had to kick her out. The kiddos nap at lunchtime and it would have disrupted everyone's day to have her there"<br><br>
he said "whatever." and his tone of voice indicated that he thought I was being ridiculous. When I point out that she's "promised" not to do it (whatever IT may be) he tells me that he's worried about her because she's forgetful and her father had dementia, and he thinks she might have something wrong with her, etc.<br><br>
She's only forgetful when it suits her. I'm not being harsh, I promise. She's very manipulative.<br><br>
How long does he think he can say that and have it be an acceptable excuse for her obviously bad behavior?<br><br>
DH said that the next time she just shows up that he wants me to tell her that she's not welcome in our house any more, period. I REALLY don't want to keep DD from them, there's no such thing as too much love for a baby...but it needs to be on MY terms and I can't figure out how to get that across.
 

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Wow, how awful for you. I would do thisif it were me: Tell your dad that you will be bringing the grandbaby over once a week for a short visit. Let them have some input on the day and then decide together. Call your stepmom once a day for a few minutes (I know this sounds like a lot but bear with me) but no more than that. This way you become the communicator and the one calling the shots about contact. If they have internet send them cutsey emails with the baby's picture. Invite them over for special times such as birthdays, mother's day and Xmas. Then, the next step is this:<br><br>
If you have done all the above ,you have done more than your job as a daughter and stepdaughter. Do not answer the phone when it is an unsolicited call from your stepmom. If you are smart you will have already had your brief daily phone call with her. Do not answer the door when she comes uninvited. Instruct any babysitter to not answer the phone or door when it is your stepmother. If she tries to talk to you about not anwering the door or phone, say "I love you and dad, and I will talk to you tomorrow" and gently hang up. Do not get involved in justifying yourself to her. Just have the contact I described above and do it on your terms, not hers. You may want to explain in a nice way to your dad what you are doing. That you love them and want contact with them but you are an adult now and you want a little more control over what goes on in your life. They both will resist at first, but will come around if you stand firm and they see that they will have access to you and the baby, more limited but still plenty generous by anyone's standards. I know it may be hard to say you love them both, but if it gets her off your back, it will be worth it. Good luck with anything you decide to do.
 

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Um. Speak in short sentences, and be crystal clear: "You can't come over."<br><br>
If your dad is pulling a guilt trip on you, let it be. Doesn't mean you have to even argue with him, "You need an invitation to come over. Not invited - not coming over. It's about good manners".<br><br>
When you can - invite them for a visit. When you can't - keep the door shut.<br><br>
Hang in there! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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Wow, that's very creepy. I'd be nervous about what else a person with that...er...missing a sense of boundaries would do. Like to the point where if it happened again, I'd call the police and let them have a chat with her. And, if she kept it up after that, I'd get a restraining order.<br><br>
She may be family, but that's messed up, and it's about your kid.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>angilyn</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10738962"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Wow, how awful for you. I would do thisif it were me: Tell your dad that you will be bringing the grandbaby over once a week for a short visit. Let them have some input on the day and then decide together. Call your stepmom once a day for a few minutes (I know this sounds like a lot but bear with me) but no more than that. This way you become the communicator and the one calling the shots about contact. If they have internet send them cutsey emails with the baby's picture. Invite them over for special times such as birthdays, mother's day and Xmas. Then, the next step is this:<br><br>
If you have done all the above ,you have done more than your job as a daughter and stepdaughter. Do not answer the phone when it is an unsolicited call from your stepmom. If you are smart you will have already had your brief daily phone call with her. Do not answer the door when she comes uninvited. Instruct any babysitter to not answer the phone or door when it is your stepmother. If she tries to talk to you about not anwering the door or phone, say "I love you and dad, and I will talk to you tomorrow" and gently hang up. Do not get involved in justifying yourself to her. Just have the contact I described above and do it on your terms, not hers. You may want to explain in a nice way to your dad what you are doing. That you love them and want contact with them but you are an adult now and you want a little more control over what goes on in your life. They both will resist at first, but will come around if you stand firm and they see that they will have access to you and the baby, more limited but still plenty generous by anyone's standards. I know it may be hard to say you love them both, but if it gets her off your back, it will be worth it. Good luck with anything you decide to do.</div>
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i LOVE this. i may use this tactic on my step-mother....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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I have said it before and I will say it again. HOW can people allow their spouses to treat their kids from the previous marriage like crap? HOW? My dad did the same thing. Although I was civil, even after they divorced, he died a lonely old man.<br><br>
Your dad should be shamed that he is sacrificing you and your child for the childish whines and whims of a supposedly grown up woman.
 
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