[lauraheartslittle1]

I can't believe I'm typing this. But...

I'm seriously beginning to consider weaning. I had said that I would do child led weaning, and I thought I could. But I'm seriously about to lose my mind. He refuses to eat most solids and will go for weeks refusing to eat dinner. He nurses all night long - every hour ALL NIGHT LONG... not every 2 or 3 hours. Some nights, he doesn't even nurse only once an hour. Some nights it's once every half hour or once every 45 minutes. I work outside of the home (by necessity - single parent - not by choice), so most days, I'm dragging and barely able to think.

He's tempermental to the point of hitting, pinching, clawing, flailing, and throwing himself on the floor screaming. No amount of comforting, talking, hugging,etc. helps with this. I know it's because he's not sleeping as much as he should but I refuse to do CIO and no amount of rocking, bouncing, patting, humming, singing, pacing, etc. will get him calm and get him to sleep. I suppose I could read a book of some sorts on how to calm him to sleep more readily but given that I barely get to eat before 10:30 or shower before midnight... reading's not exactly in my list of things that I can do. I don't know exactly where the kicking, pinching, clawing, flailing, etc. is even coming from. While we have a tv, we don't have cable or anything so it's never on. Basically it's a living room ornament because I couldn't find anyone to buy it. He's not around violent people.

I'm growing frustrated with having irregular cycles. We're going on oh day 40 something and according to my doctor this won't return to normal until he weans. Prior to his conception, I was an "every 29 days/period starts at 2:30AM" type. So longer cycles freak me out since my little one was a "multiple forms of contraception used" surprise for lack of better phrasing.

Basically, I just feel that if something doesn't change and FAST I'm going to have a complete and total mental meltdown. I know that if I wean on this kind of a horrible note that I will regret it. I know this in my heart of hearts but considering that he's been nursing pretty much nonstop for the past four hours and that I get to look forward to another night of sleeping in 30-60 minute intervals, I can't help but feel slightly hopeless/helpless right now.

Please... I don't care if you have to lie to me here. Please... tell me it gets better.

 

[mommy2abigail]

Oh mama, you sound at the end of your rope!

I can tell you we have been right where you are. DD, now 17 months has never slept well. Since birth she has been a very light/active/restless sleeper. I had to night partially night wean, for my sanity and my health. We kinda followed the NCSS, but there were times when she did cry, simply because things were changing for her. I do not consider this CIO. I know some here would say that if there is something you can do (i.e. breatfeed) to make them stop crying, and you dont do it, that is CIO. I disagree. If she wants a knife and cries when I take it, and I COULD give it to her but dont, that's not CIO, right? Same with a mama NEEDING sleep to function. Same with mama NEEDING an hour to herself every now and again to recharge, to make a better mama. Let me tell you, I kept waiting for it to get better on it's own. I suppose at some point (when she was 10?!?) it would have, but I needed sleep NOW. SOOOOO, that led me to partially night wean. She nurses at 8 p.m., 10 p.m. some time between 4-5am, and then upon waking at 7 am. So at least now I get a 5-7 hour stretch at night, as opposed to waking every 1-2 hours. Just that alone has made me feel, act, and think so much better. I am a better mama. I am more patient, forgiving, and fun. Here is what we did. It took a few months to get here, but as long as I knew we were working toward more sleep, I could handle it. I would nurse her at night, (she rarely falls asleep nursing) and then she would lay on my chest to fall asleep. I would transfer her over to her crib (side carred with our bed) If she woke up before 10, I would pat, rock, whatever her back to sleep, but not nurse. Now, if she got hysterical, I would nurse her. If she was crying or whining a little, I'd comfort her in other ways. I'd nurse her the next time she woke up after 10. Then I would aim for at least 2 hours before the next nursing. I would always try first to get her back to sleep without nursing, just so that she got used to me at least trying. When we started, she would literally throw the binky across the room! Or if I offered her water, she would hit me with the cup. But that eventually subsided, as she learned that I will offer those things first. I gradually spread the time between nursing out. It took a few months. But, we are here now, and it's been totally worth it. As for the hitting, biting, pinching, your ds is right on the cusp of learning to talk. It is so frustrating for toddlers not to be able to tell you what they want. The only way for them to express it is physically. It's a very physical age, they are climbing, running, exploring how their bodies work. I was so surprised when my dd hit me one day. She has never seen that. but I do think it's a little instinctual(sp?) and all babies go through it, regardless of what they are exposed to. I don't sit there and take it by any stretch, but I do remind myself that she still is, in so many ways just a baby. Sometimes she doesn't realize she is hurting me, or sometimes she needs to see the reaction she gets. I take her hands and pat my arm or neck (she loves to pinch my neck for some reason!) and say "Gentle hands" in a soft, soothing voice. She is now at the point where she will pat me softly if I say gentle hands all on her own. And if she is getting rough with her friend (another 16 month old) I can remind her to use gentle hands, and it usually (not always!) works. Just try to imagine if you could not speak to these giants all around you, but they could all speak to each other. You could for the most part understand, but could not communicate. And to top it all off, they were always DOING something to you, picking you up, t aking something away from you, making you lay down to change you, ect. It would be very frustrating. Even if these people were kind and loving and wonderful, still frustrating. You know? HTH mama!

 

[lauraheartslittle1]

Thanks mama! It did help a good deal to know that I'm not alone. Whenever he does the pinching, hitting, etc. I hold his hands and say, "We need to be gentle..." which usually works - except for with the twiddling - which I'm trying *really* hard to curb - because that just hurts.

I appreciate the advice. And look forward to hearing what others have to say as well.

 

[4Marmalade]

I just wanted to chime in on the aggression that your ds is showing. I agree with mommy2abigail in that it is instinctual and not necessarily a "learned" thing. My dd is the same way and I know how frustrating it can be. She is very physical when it comes to nursing. If she's too rough and I remind her to be gentle she lashes out at me with hitting and pinching. It is really upsetting when there's this little tiny person getting so angry and lashing out at you. I have to remind myself not to take it personally and that it is my job to show her ways to be gentle. A few weeks ago I decided to be really consistent and start showing her a polite and acceptable way to ask to nurse. After some reminding and me showing her every time she now gets a big smile on her face and lightly pats my chest instead of hitting me or lifting my shirt. She's so proud of herself. So, I really believe that a lot of the aggression in her is frustration trying to communicate. She only has two words right now so I can understand her need to communicate physically.

With regards to the constant nursing I can't help much there. My dd does nurse very frequently throughout the day but at nighttime I have the extra help of dh. He sleeps with dd and she pretty much sleeps through the night with him. If I'm sleeping with her she will nurse all night so I know how it feels

. A few times I have had to refuse to nurse her when she's going to sleep because she is just getting too physical (pinching, biting, hitting, popping on and off). When I've done this I lie beside her and stroke her forehead. She screams and gets really angry but it only lasts for a couple of minutes and then she's right asleep. I have an internal struggle with this as I don't want her to scream but what's worse....her screaming and angry (not crying) for a couple of minutes or me and her getting increasingly frustrated with the aggressive nursing and her usually crying because I have to remind her to be gentle a million times??

And about it getting better??? I do know that I went through similar trying times with my ds and he nursed until he was 3 years old. I am so happy that we made it through the difficulties and worked on a b/f relationship that was wonderful for both of us. That's what gets me through the difficult times with dd.

 

[velcromom]

That age was a rough phase for us too, with many many nightwakings and lots and lots of nursing all the time.

I can tell you honestly that yes, it does get better. I did not want to CIO either and I also did not want to nightwean til ds was ready... he was still not ready to deal on his own with all the things that were waking him or with getting back to sleep on his own. I tried encouraging him, if he had hollered and fussed for just a few minutes then zonked out I would have felt ok but he would get hysterical & totally freak out in a scary way. I picked up the No Cry Sleep Solution and it has tons of great ideas, the one thing that changed our nights for the better was the Pantley Pull-Off, it enabled me to reclaim a lot of sleep each night.

After that I felt a lot better, and ds ended up waking less starting around 18 months - by 22 months he had nightweaned on his own.

One thing I remember from the rough phases is that yes, it does start you thinking in all-or-nothing, black and white terms, however it ain't necessarily so. Often what is needed to get you back to a better place is a small, well-placed change that takes enough of the pressure off of you so that you can carry on. It's not always a choice only to wean or not wean.

ITA with the pp about the hitting... it's a phase all toddlers go through... sometimes it crops up again, lol and it's just natural & nothing to do with whether they are exposed to violence. I guess it's good that it comes along and gives us opportunities to teach them now, before they are really big enough to hurt anyone. And when I say teach them now, I mean during early childhood in general since there is no one time that they finally go, "OH, you meant NO HITTING!!" and stop forever. It's a process, one we are going through again and often with our three year old.

 

[Liliana]

Don't assume that it's a need to nurse that wakes him up. Nursing is his favorite way to go back to sleep, but maybe teething pain or digestive upsets or a need to pee are waking him and he uses the nursing to block out the pain to go back to sleep. When my daughter nursed all night just cause it was there she seemed well rested because she was asleep though much of the nursing. When something hurt, she would wake screaming then nurse back to sleep then repeat, but not seem well rested in the morning. Don't know if that made sense.

Just remember that its the night waking you want to cut back on, not his nursing as such. You wouldn't be better rested if you had to sing and rock him back to sleep once an hour.