[poppiesinjuly]

Hi, I'm mostly a lurker here, but reading about all of you has really helped me a lot since my first MC last June at 10-11 weeks. (baby measured 6w3d when it should have been 8w, and was long gone by the time I had my MC two weeks later)<br><br>
Since then, I had a "chemical pregnancy" in September and another in December.<br><br>
I'm pregnant now. 6w3d.<br><br>
My HCG levels tripled last time we checked. I had an US on Thursday. I measured 5w6d (I should have been 6w1d) I know there are variations, and that 5w6d is not that different from 6w1d. There was a heartbeat and although the intern had trouble finding the heart rate (which freaked me right out) the technician came in and said it was 108. She said that was on the low side of normal. (Which also continued to freak me out.)<br><br>
This is the longest I've been pregnant since my MC last June. That in itself seems positive. I just wish the US had been more indicative of things going well. I know none of it was bad, but I'm still obsessively checking my boobs to see if they still hurt, checking the TP for that horrible first bit of pink. Obsessing over every little twinge that might be coming from my uterus.<br><br>
I work as a director of a large childcare center, so I'm constantly bombarded with all things baby and family. It was the hardest thing I ever did to go back to work last June, and to work through my two "chemical pregnancies".<br><br>
If I miscarry again I'm not going back. I don't think I can. I'm not even sure I could pull it together to keep trying.<br><br>
I need to relax. I need to gain peace, but I'm not sure how to do it. I thought seeing the heartbeat would help, but I saw a heartbeat last time, and although I was supposed to be 8w last time, and am only supposed to be 6w this time, I can't help but think it was a lot stronger last time.<br><br>
How do I relax?

 

[CherryBomb]

I don't know that there's really any way to completely relax. I just try to take it one day at a time. I don't know what else to do.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">

 

[expatmommy]

Peace is elusive in the early days. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> People here told me a few good things. One is that hope doesn't make bad things happen. It is okay to have hope. The reverse is also true: fear/doubt doesn't condemn you to bad things either. After loss, fear is normal. Another thing I was told is that its okay to take things one day at a time. Each day is another day with your little one. I tried (and mostly failed although it did help me focus) to find a way to love my little one each day without adding the stipulation "if it lasts".<br><br>
Lastly, we are all here. We've all walked thru the early days, that seem endless. If we can do nothing else, we can stand in solidarity with you while you cope with the days ahead. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> This is a safe place.

 

[poppiesinjuly]

Thank you. I appreciate everything you have said.<br><br>
I went out on a limb and looked at some summer maternity clothes today. I'm trying not to think, "in case I need them". I'm daring to hope.<br><br>
I really appreciate what you said, expat, about loving my little one without thinking about "if it lasts". That is something important to focus on.<br><br>
Thank you.