[catlvr976]

I am finding myself getting more and more angry with my husband. This post will be all over the place, so I apologize in advance.

I am so tired of him screaming at our 10 month old to "shut up" when she cries. He doesn't try anything with her when he's holding her and she fusses. All he wants to do is sit on the couch and watch tv. If she cries while he's holding her, he'll try and bounce her and if that doesn't work, he'll start with the shut up thing. He's even taken to covering her mouth with his hand while she cries so that he can hear tv. I'll just end up taking her off him so that we won't have to hear him yell. Then he gets huffy because there's "nothing he can do." Well, maybe if he didn't get so angry and frustrated with her and got up off the couch and walked around with her, she'd stop. I guess it's just easier to yell shut up. He'll scream at her to shut up if she cries while he's giving her a bath. It's starting to make our oldest dd angry if he screams at her baby sister and she'll yell back at him to stop it.

I've complained about him here before. He's done this with our other kids, too.

I've had problems with him in the past that if I don't wake up on weekend nights (he works night-turn throughout the week) to be intimate with him that he'll keep track of how long it's been and if it's been to long, he'll blow up at me. I'm talking screaming and throwing things, etc. He's never hit me. I've been to counseling and have learned that he is emotionally abusive.

Well, he's been pretty good about not getting so angry if it's been a while. He doesn't really say much, doesn't get angry; but, I'll say this, if I didn't get up, I'm literally sick to my stomach for fear that he's going to flip out on me.

This past weekend, he tried to wake me up, but I stayed asleep. He's not angry with me, but I can tell he's annoyed. He's been calling me a grandma and my oldest dd even asked me why daddy's teasing me. Now he feels like he's entitled to come up and grab my breast or rub himself up against me (more than he usually does) b/c I didn't wake up this weekend.

Also this past weekend, we went to a friend's dd's first b-day party. I haven't seen this friend in forever (she moved out of state). Well, it was at a park and my husband was running around with our 2 older dd's and a bunch of other kids squirting water at each other. I was sitting talking to a friend holding our youngest, when he runs up with dd #1. I asked him where dd#2 was and he didn't know. I almost had a heart attack, we looked all over the park and after about 10 minutes, she was found, perfectly fine.

He was angry with me because I didn't take my cell phone with me when I went to look for dd so that he could call me and tell me that she was found. I told him that wasn't the first thing on my mind, was to grab my cell phone, the only thing I was concerned with was find our dd.

How this happened was this: I saw him and our dd's playing together with those other kids. I knew where they were. How dd got lost was this: she fell and hurt her knee. He told her that she was ok, and to go over and see mommy (I was sitting under the pavilion talking) I had NO idea he told her this. I wasn't watching them like a hawk, I didn't feel like I needed to b/c she was with her dad. He didn't yell to me that dd#2 was coming over, nothing - didn't watch to make sure that she got to me. He just told her to go see me and then continued on running around with dd#1 and all the other kids. Keep in mind that dd#2 is only 2 years old. I told him that if he would've told me that she was on her way to me, that it wouldn't have happened. He said that he couldn't do that b/c of him playing with dd#1 and all the other kids he was running around with. I told him that he should've made sure that HIS child was safe with me.

I guess that I can't even sit and talk to a friend without having to watch my kids while they're playing with their dad b/c he obviously can't do that himself. He told me that this happened b/c we have 3 kids, if we would've just had 2 "one for each of us" that it would've been ok. I told him that that has nothing to do with it and that why am I able to keep an eye on all 3 of them when I'm out by myself?

Maybe I'm wrong and that I shouldn't be so hard on him, but is it really too much to ask to be able to sit and talk to the few friends that I have that I never see without having to worry about whether one of my kids are wandering off when their dad is supposed to be watching them?

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I just needed to get this out.

 

[mommato5]

He is abusive to you AND your children, INCLUDING a baby. Why are you allowing this?? Start documenting so you can use all this against him in a custody battle. i would get rid of him. Making a woman have sex with you because it's been too long is what I consider rape. It is your body and you don't have to share it. You are also showing your girls that this is ok therefore setting the stage for them to be abused.

Better question is what would you tell your daughter???

 

[MissAnnThrope]

It sounds so much like how my ex was with me. It got to the point if I didn't wake up he'd just do what he wanted any way. It was a scary place to be. I want to tell you to get to a place where you can get out and take your dcs with you. No one needs to live like that. I'm not sure him going to counseling will help him. Just make sure you and your babies are safe.

 

[Earthy Mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommato5 He is abusive to you AND your children, INCLUDING a baby. Why are you allowing this?? Start documenting so you can use all this against him in a custody battle. i would get rid of him. Making a woman have sex with you because it's been too long is what I consider rape. It is your body and you don't have to share it. You are also showing your girls that this is ok therefore setting the stage for them to be abused. Better question is what would you tell your daughter???

^^^exactly...

s to you and your precious children

 

[DariusMom]

I have often thought that mamas on this board were too quick to tell another mama to "dump him, honey dump him" or that they "wouldn't put up with X, Y, or Z" however, in this case, I gotta' join that chorus!

I'm so very sorry you're going through this but I really really think you need to get out! putting his hand over your 10 month old baby's mouth is dangerous!!! It can be deadly! A father here killed his three month old by doing this!! *please* put a stop to this.

You've been to counseling you said. What has changed? you learned that he was emotionally abusive . . . and . . . instead of throwing furniture when you won't have sex with him he's just annoyed and your stomach is still in knots?

Is this how you'd want your daughters to live? What are you staying for? BTW: I'm not being snarky! I'm really curious and hoping my questions will help lead to some clarity for you.

If he's not willing to go back to counseling and an anger management course then I wonder how you can justify the danger to your children . . .

 

[wytchywoman]

I agree with the PP's, there are some very serious red flags here. Yelling at a ten month old baby to shut up when she is crying to get her needs meet is so totally unaaceptable I don't even have the words to describe it right now. Completely not OK. Verbally deriding you and groping you when you don't have sex with him, is in and of itself, sexual abuse. He does not have the right to violate your physical space because he isn't getting enough sex. Once again, completely not OK. I suggest you resume counseling, with or without him, and it might help if you speak with someone at a womans shelter. he may not be hitting you, but you are certainly being abused, and if you attempted to leave there is no telling if he might trun physically violent at that point. Please seek help mama, you and your DD's shouldn't have to live this way.

 

[catlvr976]

I have an appointment coming up next Tuesday, and I planned on telling my therapist all of this stuff.

I am starting nursing school this fall and plan to graduate in the beginning of 2009. Right now, I don't have a job and stay at home with my kids.

It does upset me very, very much when he yells at our baby. He's done that with all of them. Now that they are bigger, he doesn't do that; he says that he just can't deal with babies b/c he doesn't know what they want or what to do about it - that doesn't make his yelling at a baby ok though, not at all. I always take the baby off him when he starts acting like that and I take her with me everywhere I go; heck, most of the time, all my dd's are with me.

I didn't realize that him groping me was sexual abuse. I thought that was something all guys did to their wives. I was under the impression that men (and some women) did that b/c they find their spouse attractive. I don't do it, never did even before we had kids. I don't let him do it around our daughters, though. He usually tries to grab at me when we're alone in the kitchen or something.

I know that I'm not setting a very good example for my dd's, and I'm ashamed of myself for that. Very much so, as a matter of fact. I can't leave now, not with getting ready to go back to school. My plan was to finish school first.

 

[TinkerBelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by catlvr976 I have an appointment coming up next Tuesday, and I planned on telling my therapist all of this stuff. I am starting nursing school this fall and plan to graduate in the beginning of 2009. Right now, I don't have a job and stay at home with my kids. It does upset me very, very much when he yells at our baby. He's done that with all of them. Now that they are bigger, he doesn't do that; he says that he just can't deal with babies b/c he doesn't know what they want or what to do about it - that doesn't make his yelling at a baby ok though, not at all. I always take the baby off him when he starts acting like that and I take her with me everywhere I go; heck, most of the time, all my dd's are with me. I didn't realize that him groping me was sexual abuse. I thought that was something all guys did to their wives. I was under the impression that men (and some women) did that b/c they find their spouse attractive. I don't do it, never did even before we had kids. I don't let him do it around our daughters, though. He usually tries to grab at me when we're alone in the kitchen or something. I know that I'm not setting a very good example for my dd's, and I'm ashamed of myself for that. Very much so, as a matter of fact. I can't leave now, not with getting ready to go back to school. My plan was to finish school first.

Bolding mine.

School is more important than protecting your children? You can still go to school. Lots of single moms do it. But, if you stay with an abuser, how do you know he won't hurt one of your kids or you, or worse?

I am not trying to hurt you. I know what I or anyone else says could be construed as "easier said than done". But one thing is for sure~my husband ever abuses my children or me like what you have described and he will be gone or I will.

 

[A&A]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DariusMom I have often thought that mamas on this board were too quick to tell another mama to "dump him, honey dump him" or that they "wouldn't put up with X, Y, or Z" however, in this case, I gotta' join that chorus! I'm so very sorry you're going through this but I really really think you need to get out! putting his hand over your 10 month old baby's mouth is dangerous!!! It can be deadly! A father here killed his three month old by doing this!! *please* put a stop to this. You've been to counseling you said. What has changed? you learned that he was emotionally abusive . . . and . . . instead of throwing furniture when you won't have sex with him he's just annoyed and your stomach is still in knots? Is this how you'd want your daughters to live? What are you staying for? BTW: I'm not being snarky! I'm really curious and hoping my questions will help lead to some clarity for you. If he's not willing to go back to counseling and an anger management course then I wonder how you can justify the danger to your children . . .

Yes, please listen to this. Contact a domestic violence shelter and formulate a plan for getting out!

 

[catlvr976]

I know you're not trying to hurt me....I guess I didn't explain myself very well.

No, school isn't more important. He has told me in the past that if we were to ever split up that he would disappear and that no one would ever be able to find him. What would I do for money? I can't stay in this house and be able to afford it on my own. The only other thing I could do would be to live with my grandpap but I don't know if he'd go for that for sure or not. He has said in the past that if something were to ever happen between my husband and myself we could stay there, but he never said for how long.

I had planned on going back to school, and becoming a nurse so that I would be able to make halfway decent money and be able to support my kids and myself if he went through with his "disappearing" threat. My family is going to watch my kids on the weekends and evenings while I went to class and clinicals. I don't leave them with him b/c I know how he can be.

My kids have never been away from me for any length of time since they were born. If I left him now, I'd need to work fulltime and go to school for hours. I want to be there to see my children while they are little. I don't want to be gone from them for hours and hours after they've been with me almost constantly from day one, KWIM? I don't have anyone to watch them, my mom works fulltime, her boyfriend works fulltime and all of my brothers work fulltime. My dad lives in another state; my grandpap is 77 years old and I don't think that he could handle watching 3 small children every day. That's all the family I have.

I would prefer that they be watched over and cared for by family, not strangers in daycare (PLEASE, no offense to anyone who uses daycare).

I hope that helps to explain things a little better. I'm sorry if I came across unclear. I know that I sound like I'm making excuses, but that is the best plan that I can come up with to deal with things. I feel like a loser and pathetic mom as it is b/c I am not doing right by my kids no matter what.

 

[TinkerBelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by catlvr976 I know you're not trying to hurt me....I guess I didn't explain myself very well. No, school isn't more important. He has told me in the past that if we were to ever split up that he would disappear and that no one would ever be able to find him. What would I do for money? I can't stay in this house and be able to afford it on my own. The only other thing I could do would be to live with my grandpap but I don't know if he'd go for that for sure or not. He has said in the past that if something were to ever happen between my husband and myself we could stay there, but he never said for how long. I had planned on going back to school, and becoming a nurse so that I would be able to make halfway decent money and be able to support my kids and myself if he went through with his "disappearing" threat. My family is going to watch my kids on the weekends and evenings while I went to class and clinicals. I don't leave them with him b/c I know how he can be. My kids have never been away from me for any length of time since they were born. If I left him now, I'd need to work fulltime and go to school for hours. I want to be there to see my children while they are little. I don't want to be gone from them for hours and hours after they've been with me almost constantly from day one, KWIM? I don't have anyone to watch them, my mom works fulltime, her boyfriend works fulltime and all of my brothers work fulltime. My dad lives in another state; my grandpap is 77 years old and I don't think that he could handle watching 3 small children every day. That's all the family I have. I would prefer that they be watched over and cared for by family, not strangers in daycare (PLEASE, no offense to anyone who uses daycare). I hope that helps to explain things a little better. I'm sorry if I came across unclear. I know that I sound like I'm making excuses, but that is the best plan that I can come up with to deal with things. I feel like a loser and pathetic mom as it is b/c I am not doing right by my kids no matter what.

Thank you for clarifying. I thought I might have misunderstood. Whew!

Isn't there help for single moms going to school?

 

[papschmitty]

I understand you wanting to have a long term plan for how you'd support a your family without DH. I would still encourage you to meet with a domestic violence advocate. They don't pressure women to leave their partners. They teach you how to keep yourself and your children as safe as possible, however that might look at the time. When you're ready to leave, they can help you do it as safely as possible. I'm sure most of the people reading your posts had a sinking feeling in their guts like I did and want desperately for you to get yourself and your girls out of harms way. I know you want what's best for the kids. Only you will know when the best time to leave is. Please, please consider talking with an advocate now. They will help you develop a saftey plan for if things escalate. He may not be hitting you but you're still being abused. I think talking about this with your therapist is a great idea. It will help to document his behavior. If possible, I'd start documenting his abusive behavior towards you and your children. Just be sure to do so in a way that keeps you safe. If you're going to write this stuff down, don't keep it in the house where he can find it. It might push him over the edge. Please keep yourself and your girls safe. It might be hard now, but your DDs will see how strong you can be when you're in a position to leave him. Leave him and never look back, you deserve better.

 

[wytchywoman]

I didn't realize that him groping me was sexual abuse. I thought that was something all guys did to their wives. I was under the impression that men (and some women) did that b/c they find their spouse attractive. I don't do it, never did even before we had kids. I don't let him do it around our daughters, though. He usually tries to grab at me when we're alone in the kitchen or something.

I'd like to clarify something. It seemed from your first post that the touching is unwanted on your part and that he feels it is his recompense for not getting sex. That absolutely is sexual abuse. Just because you are married does not mean that there is a mandatory sex quota that needs to be met and he has the right to do as he pleases if you don't meet it. Every couple has their own standards as to what is appropriate sexual contact outside the bedroom and what it not. When both parties don't agree on what is appropriate, then yes, an element of sex abuse is introduced. Unwanted touching is never OK.

 

[FireflyFan]

I didn't necessarily think the groping was sexual abuse, but him waking you up is what gave me a sinking feeling in my gut.

Getting into nursing school is a good idea. Maybe when your youngest is about two years old, you could start going to night school? That might not be too bad. It means leaving your DH would be about 5 years away, or is that too long? I agree with OP that sometimes we're too quick to tell people to leave and this is a case where I think that's good advice IMO.

 

[acupuncturemomma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by catlvr976 I am so tired of him screaming at our 10 month old to "shut up" when she cries. He's even taken to covering her mouth with his hand while she cries so that he can hear tv. It's starting to make our oldest dd angry if he screams at her baby sister and she'll yell back at him to stop it. I've complained about him here before. He's done this with our other kids, too. he'll blow up at me. I'm talking screaming and throwing things, etc. I'm literally sick to my stomach for fear that he's going to flip out on me. Now he feels like he's entitled to come up and grab my breast or rub himself up against me (more than he usually does) b/c I didn't wake up this weekend.

The above are all reasons why IMO five years is way, way, way too long to wait to leave.

You and your children are in an unsafe situation--you deserve better. And the fact that your oldest dd is yelling back

: ...seriously, mama, do not subject your children to this situation any longer. School will have to wait. Do whatever you have to do to get out now.

I'm sorry I have no concrete advice for escape plans; I don't know much more than I've learned from reading similar threads here on MDC. And I normally wouldn't post without some kind of helpful advice, but jeez, I've been deeply saddened by your post. Especially the part about him holding his hand over dc's mouth. It made me nauseous.

mama...I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

 

[catlvr976]

I have to make this quick cause he's upstairs. It won't take me 5 years to finish school. I'm already accepted and start the program this fall. I will be done in early 2009. I've already completed my prereq's.

I'll write more tomorrow......

 

[Azuralea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by catlvr976 I know you're not trying to hurt me....I guess I didn't explain myself very well. No, school isn't more important. He has told me in the past that if we were to ever split up that he would disappear and that no one would ever be able to find him. What would I do for money? I can't stay in this house and be able to afford it on my own. The only other thing I could do would be to live with my grandpap but I don't know if he'd go for that for sure or not. He has said in the past that if something were to ever happen between my husband and myself we could stay there, but he never said for how long. I had planned on going back to school, and becoming a nurse so that I would be able to make halfway decent money and be able to support my kids and myself if he went through with his "disappearing" threat. My family is going to watch my kids on the weekends and evenings while I went to class and clinicals. I don't leave them with him b/c I know how he can be. My kids have never been away from me for any length of time since they were born. If I left him now, I'd need to work fulltime and go to school for hours. I want to be there to see my children while they are little. I don't want to be gone from them for hours and hours after they've been with me almost constantly from day one, KWIM? I don't have anyone to watch them, my mom works fulltime, her boyfriend works fulltime and all of my brothers work fulltime. My dad lives in another state; my grandpap is 77 years old and I don't think that he could handle watching 3 small children every day. That's all the family I have. I would prefer that they be watched over and cared for by family, not strangers in daycare (PLEASE, no offense to anyone who uses daycare). I hope that helps to explain things a little better. I'm sorry if I came across unclear. I know that I sound like I'm making excuses, but that is the best plan that I can come up with to deal with things. I feel like a loser and pathetic mom as it is b/c I am not doing right by my kids no matter what.

OP, I am going to say something that might be a little hard to hear, but I will try to be as respectful as possible.

To disclose first, your situation sends up so many red flags for me I don't know where to start. I have a relative whose DH nearly killed their baby and her and it started with a situation much like yours, so I react very, very strongly.

What you and your kids are living through is abuse, and I don't throw that phrase around easily. I think a lot of the time on these boards people do use it a little too lightly, but IMO yours is not one of those situations. Your DH has forced you to have sex against your will, if I'm reading correctly, and has used force against a baby. That is abuse.

So, here is where it may be a little hard, but I read your post above, and this line in particular stood out for me:

Quote:

Originally Posted by catlvr976 I want to be there to see my children while they are little. I don't want to be gone from them for hours and hours after they've been with me almost constantly from day one, KWIM?

Is this really the best for your children? I realize that you don't want to be apart from them, but if that is what is keeping them in an abusive household, I think you need to think very carefully about whether the tradeoff is worth it for them. Is time in daycare worse than seeing their baby sister get physically restrained by their father? Seeing their mother sexually touched without her permission or desire by their father? Is being away from you for some time during the day worth absorbing the lesson that this is what marriage means?

I feel for you, Mama, because you're in an awful situation, and I'm honestly not trying to make you feel bad here. It's just that sometimes when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to think clearly. I know that is what happened to my relative, and she's said many times she wishes somebody had said something to her earlier.

I normally tend to think people give up on marriages too quickly, but abuse is NOT one of those situations, and you're in an abusive situation based on what you posted.

 

[Mama Dragon]

Lets say this man you call your husband dies. What would you do?

Leave him now. The domestic violence shelters and state welfare agencies will help you get through school, get a place to live, food, and child care. YOU CAN DO IT. There are so many mamas here who've taken that step, and found it hard, but not impossible to live with. He has nothing to offer you except money and abuse - is the money that good, that you don't mind your daughters learning it?

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

There is such a huge nursing shortage that you might be able to get other financial help to continue school and get daycare for the little ones and other things covered. I would NOT stay in this situation. Every year (even two more) that your children are in this will change who they are as people forever. I am a huge believer in counseling and in redemption, but I would get him away from all of you and if he truly loves and cares for you he will commit to change and work on himself to gain you all back. And very few guys follow through on that common threat to disappear. They have friends and lives and family and most people don't have the strength to do CIA witness protection style disappearance forever. Get a legal aide person to walk you through the steps towards a temporary support/custody agreement and get this man out of your lives until he learns not to be an abuser.

 

[prothyraia]

Quote:

Originally Posted by catlvr976 I didn't realize that him groping me was sexual abuse. I thought that was something all guys did to their wives. I was under the impression that men (and some women) did that b/c they find their spouse attractive. I don't do it, never did even before we had kids. I don't let him do it around our daughters, though. He usually tries to grab at me when we're alone in the kitchen or something.

There's a world of difference between partners randomly, lovingly touching each other in intimate ways (which can be healthy) and what you described (which is abuse).

His touching you when he knows you don't like it is NOT ok, in any way. His emotionally abusing you in order to get sex is not ok. His physical and verbal abuse of your baby is not ok. There are a dozen other things that sound like they are not ok.

I agree with the other posters; leaving sooner rather than later is a good idea. Spending a lot of time with your children while they are young is important and wonderful and great for them...but the benefits of that could very well be negated by the fact that they are also spending time with him, in an abusive environment.

I'm not a big fan of daycare either, but it sounds like you'd certainly be better off placing your children in a daycare than having them be around your husband frequently, in an abusive environment. Only you can weigh the consequences for certain, but it's something to think about.