Hi everyone,
It's been awhile since I've been on the boards. It's been a little overwhelming since I left stbx. I left him in February, and have not had any time to post, or the guts I suppose. I know it is real, it is just so hard to actually write it out. I've been w/ him since I was 16, and he was my first real relationship. I'm 28 now, I was married for 5 years. We have a 16 month old dd which we had through IVF. I love her death. Stbx is disabled w/ a rare neurological disorder, that he was diagnosed w/ almost 2 years ago. Unfortunately, our problems started way before that, but I was so blinded by the whole IVF process, and wanted a baby, that I just couldn't look at anything else. He was very controlling, and had refused to have sex w/ me about 2 1/2 years ago, b/c I did not refuse to have a male doctor perform one of my ivf transfers. It was a last minute doctor change on the weekend. I had to have the embryos transferred then or not at all. I can't even believe I'm justifying this. He stuck to it, and hasn't had sex w/ me since. Anyway, prior to this I was not allowed to see male doctors. Even go so far as me being in the emergency room once, due to pg related problems. I told the nurse that I was having terrible cramping. She thought the doc would want to do a pelvic exam. Before the doc came in dh said I better not let him. When the doc did come in, I told him I was justed cramped b/c I'd been vomitting so much, and it wasn't that bad. I ended up losing that pg, not b/c of that situation, but still resented the fact that stbx cared more about his emotions than my well being. He said that if it really was a life threating sitation he would understand.
Now I'm on my own, and even though taking care of dd alone is difficult it is much easier than it was when he was there. His disorder has gotten much worse, and wanted me to miserable w/ him. He has let his family think I left him b/c of his disorder. My SIL has known the truth all along, and is very supportive, but it is still very scary. After dd was born, I started have panick attacks over little things. Stbx wouldn't let my parents come over to help in the morning, b/c he didn't like them in the house while he slept. I finally stopped worrying about him, and started worrying about my own well-being.
I was a SAHM, and now I'm in a position where I don't know what I want to do w/ my life. I have my dd, who comes first. Which makes it impossible to start any sort of real career. I don't regret having her for one second, I just realize that my parents aren't going to be around forever. They have been supporting me since I seperated.
Sorry for just dumping this on all of you. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm so scared, and don't know what I'm going to do!!!!
Teagan
It's been awhile since I've been on the boards. It's been a little overwhelming since I left stbx. I left him in February, and have not had any time to post, or the guts I suppose. I know it is real, it is just so hard to actually write it out. I've been w/ him since I was 16, and he was my first real relationship. I'm 28 now, I was married for 5 years. We have a 16 month old dd which we had through IVF. I love her death. Stbx is disabled w/ a rare neurological disorder, that he was diagnosed w/ almost 2 years ago. Unfortunately, our problems started way before that, but I was so blinded by the whole IVF process, and wanted a baby, that I just couldn't look at anything else. He was very controlling, and had refused to have sex w/ me about 2 1/2 years ago, b/c I did not refuse to have a male doctor perform one of my ivf transfers. It was a last minute doctor change on the weekend. I had to have the embryos transferred then or not at all. I can't even believe I'm justifying this. He stuck to it, and hasn't had sex w/ me since. Anyway, prior to this I was not allowed to see male doctors. Even go so far as me being in the emergency room once, due to pg related problems. I told the nurse that I was having terrible cramping. She thought the doc would want to do a pelvic exam. Before the doc came in dh said I better not let him. When the doc did come in, I told him I was justed cramped b/c I'd been vomitting so much, and it wasn't that bad. I ended up losing that pg, not b/c of that situation, but still resented the fact that stbx cared more about his emotions than my well being. He said that if it really was a life threating sitation he would understand.
Now I'm on my own, and even though taking care of dd alone is difficult it is much easier than it was when he was there. His disorder has gotten much worse, and wanted me to miserable w/ him. He has let his family think I left him b/c of his disorder. My SIL has known the truth all along, and is very supportive, but it is still very scary. After dd was born, I started have panick attacks over little things. Stbx wouldn't let my parents come over to help in the morning, b/c he didn't like them in the house while he slept. I finally stopped worrying about him, and started worrying about my own well-being.
I was a SAHM, and now I'm in a position where I don't know what I want to do w/ my life. I have my dd, who comes first. Which makes it impossible to start any sort of real career. I don't regret having her for one second, I just realize that my parents aren't going to be around forever. They have been supporting me since I seperated.
Sorry for just dumping this on all of you. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm so scared, and don't know what I'm going to do!!!!
Teagan
