[forestrymom]

This is gonna be long. Sorry in advance.

Dh and I have known one another for 5 years and been married for 3. We met partying, and we partied until I got pregnant. We were very happy. He has always wanted kids, and so have I. We started trying right away. We had one miscarriage and then went on to get pregnant again and have dd, who is now 18 months, and we are pregnant again, 6 months along. Dh drinks a lot, still. I rarely drink, of course, because I am pregnant, but even before this pregnancy, after dd was born, I think I went out twice, and only once, at a bachelorette party for my best friend, did I get to what I would call drunk. I have little or no desire to "party" anymore.

Dh drinks a beer or 3 every night. I'm okay with that. He goes out once a week. Sometimes I am okay with it, sometimes I get irrationally angry because I want him at home with me. But I want him to want to be home. He works a lot, and I want him home with me. We are trying to build a house, and he is doing all the work himself, so after her gets home from work, he helps me get dinner ready and on, we eat, and he goes out to our property and works until dark. I am home alone with dd alot, and she is very high needs, and often very hard to get to sleep at night. I want him to be able to go out one night a week, but he seems to think its okay to stay out as late as he wants (and for the record, I am not worried about cheating at all, so that's not my issue). I want him home by 10:00, and I don't want him out on weeknights. I don't mind if occasionally he makes prior arrangements to be out later than 10:00, say if old friends are in town. But he spends so much dang money, and we have medical bills for our dd piling up, and associated travel costs, and I need maternity clothes because I am fatter this time than with dd and the seasons are different.

On Father's Day, we got home from visiting and he went to the bar and said he was gonna have a "couple beers" and 2 hours later I called wondering where he was...he said he woudl be home in an hour. That hour was up, and I wondered what was going on, worrying, because I am a chronic worrier, so I called again, and he got mad. This happens 1/2 the time he goes out. He finally rolled in at 11:30 like nothing was wrong.

Am I totally overreacting?

 

[phatchristy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by forestrymom Am I totally overreacting?

I don't think so at all. There are phones all over the place (these days cell phones even are all over the place). If he is going to be later, or need more time he should call you. That should just be a given in any marital relationship. He has to realize that you would be worried/concerned if he didn't come home when he said he would.

Secondly, for the financial issues/beer. If he is spending a lot of money, have you talked to him about your concerns? I think that would be the best bet. It sounds like he is working so much, on your house, etc. that you're not getting much time with him to tell him what your concerns/needs are. If he's like most men they are pretty clueless even that anything is wrong unless you tell them what is bothering you.

Anyhow just some thoughts!

You might have already discussed these with him.

 

[savannah smiles]

I totally get what you mean when you say that you want him to want to be home with you and to not have to ask. I know that when I'm pg I feel very vulnerable (as opposed to being almost too independent normally) and I want my dh nearby so I'll feel safe. It sounds like your dh is either working (both at his job and the house) or unwinding and isn't thinking very much of your emotional needs right now and is being very clueless in general.

I know my dh can get very wrapped up in home projects so even though he's here physically, he's totally absent in every other way. Very frustrating! I have no real advice other than to just tell him to be home more and spend less money at the bars.

 

[newmommy]

99.5% of the time DH (WAHD) goes out, it is to make money. He's always "chasing money" so 3-4 times per week he has to leave his home office.

But, he always extends common courtesy to me and give me an approximate time on when he will be back home. And he knows I take his time frame literal. If he tells me 10:00pm, then I am looking for him to walk through that door at 10:00pm. If he is going to be late, he is very good about calling me around 9:50pm and say "newmommy, I am running behind about 30 minutes, I'm wrapping up" and I really appreciate it.

It wasn't always like this, it was a process that he had to go through but he knows how worried I get.

 

[izzysmama]

I can totally relate to OP. DP and I met partying as well and it took along time and quite honestly - a move across the country and away from all of our friends to put a stop to the weekly outings at the bar - which I do not miss at all let me tell you! It wasn't the going out, it wasn't the fear of cheating, for me it was just completely frustrating because I had no interest in partying (or hanging out) any more and DP was working so much that he felt like it was the only way to unwind.

: I could not (in DD's first year or so) even contemplate leaving for anything other than groceries, an errand, or a 15 minute break - but for some reason it took DP 6 hours and beer to accomplish what I did not even feel entitled to. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I just feel like it took DP a long time to realize that he was 50% responsible for this little life, so - NO - it's not ok to go out with friends and then give a call six hours later to "check in". I know it's really immature, but I've always been highly aggitated by DP ability to NEVER forget to nurture himself. It just drives me

:

 

[forestrymom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by izzysmama I can totally relate to OP. DP and I met partying as well and it took along time and quite honestly - a move across the country and away from all of our friends to put a stop to the weekly outings at the bar - which I do not miss at all let me tell you! It wasn't the going out, it wasn't the fear of cheating, for me it was just completely frustrating because I had no interest in partying (or hanging out) any more and DP was working so much that he felt like it was the only way to unwind. : I could not (in DD's first year or so) even contemplate leaving for anything other than groceries, an errand, or a 15 minute break - but for some reason it took DP 6 hours and beer to accomplish what I did not even feel entitled to. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I just feel like it took DP a long time to realize that he was 50% responsible for this little life, so - NO - it's not ok to go out with friends and then give a call six hours later to "check in". I know it's really immature, but I've always been highly aggitated by DP ability to NEVER forget to nurture himself. It just drives me :

Okay, that is exactly how I am feeling. I absolutely do not feel okay leaving my house (I woh) for recreational purposes without my dd and/or dh. I just don't do it. I don't take any time for myself, and I'm totally okay with that! Last night I did a bit of pondering as he plopped down in front of the tv (after dd had gone to bed--the tv is rarely on when she is awake) and I swept the floor, vacuumed, folded laundry and took care of the dinner mess. I totally don't mind doing those things, but he hasn't done a thing in the evenings all week long (the mosquitos are out in full swing, and he can't work in that condition all evening while having just done it all day long--and I support that). He just plops. And then he has the energy to stay up until 11:00 or midnight and I'm just plain tired. He will do stuff IF I ASK, but I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO ASK. Last night I mentioned that it irritated me, and he told me its because I can't just let myself take a night off, which is true, but he helps make the mess that I can't stand to live in! I want him to recognize that I am a very hardworking pregnant mama who needs him to contribute, but unless I spell it out, he is going to take advantage of having clean sheets and a floor his daughter can eat off of (I only have 2 musts in my house--clean floors and clean dishes, and I certainly don't think thats too much, okay, I have 3, because clean clothes and diapers go unsaid ).

I am just feeling totally put out right now, and its making me emotionally unattached to him. We already have a terrible sex life, as a result of 18 months of breastfeeding and nearly the same amount of time pregnant. I can't even tolerate kissing him right now, and I do love him dearly. What is wrong?

 

[izzysmama]

Oh mama...we are going through very similar things except I'm not pregnant, and I've kind of given up on what used to be the "things that had be done" in my home. God bless you for ending your day with laundry, dishes, and what else did you do?

: There is no way that I could do that! I know how resentful it can make me feel when I think - this is 24 hours a day for me. I feel like it would really take so little on DP's part to put an end to some of that resentment, because I love being a SAHM, but I don't want to feel taken advantage of.
Sometimes I freak myself out thinking - does DP turn me on anymore - or the thought of DP taking out the garbage? I can't remember anymore!

 

[accountclosed3]

perhaps you can invite friends over instead of "going out" he can "have a going in" event, and you can squash it at a certain hour.

 

[mandib50]

i'm sorry. this was a problem between my ex husband and i and we never worked it out. i hope that you are able to find a way.

 

[forestrymom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoebird perhaps you can invite friends over instead of "going out" he can "have a going in" event, and you can squash it at a certain hour.

Are you kidding? That's just more work for me!!!

I just feel like the stress of having kids is too much for my dh sometimes. We were gone all weekend and got home and he didn't even act like he missed us. I hate complaining about him, but he is just on my nerves. I keep thinking I am going to get over it, that its mostly hormones, but the longer it goes on the longer I wonder if I will make it through until I get over it.

I am just so frustrated.

 

[accountclosed3]

perhaps these are some things you can talk to your husband about though--how you think he might be stressed by having kids, what his htoughts and feelings really are, and how you can become a more cohesive family unity while still allowing him to be himself and 'party' on occassion if he likes. it's not like you're trying to change him, but just make the situation better for everyone--including him.

 

[kbchavez]

We women tend to get angry and complaining when we feel unsafe. You're really vulnerable right now, with the pregnancy esp. It might be helpful to show your husband your vulnerability instead of your anger. It sounds as though you were both immature when you married, but going through childbirth and motherhood caused you to mature ahead of him, and when you point out to him the ways he isn't measuring up, he feels controlled, and rebels by escaping to a bar and making his own hours. I'm certainly not trying to imply his behavior is your fault or that he's justified in his behavior... he's not! It's just that we cannot change other people's behavior, only our own. My DH has told me that he responds much better to me when I show my hurt... "Ouch! I feel rejected when you pull away when I want to hug you", instead of masking it with anger..."Why do you do that! You're so mean to me!" Someone on here posted a thread about The Surrendered Wife. I think most people did not like it, but I checked it out, and found it really useful. It's NOT about being a doormat yes-woman... it's more about learning how to stop trying to control our men out of our fear. My DH is a bit immature as well, and I felt like I was entitled (being the superior one, of course

) to instruct him on how to behave as a husband and father. Men do not respond well to feeling controlled, esp. men who are somewhat immature.

Please don't take this as criticism of you. These are things I am struggling to incorporate into my own marraige, and just thought they might be useful to you.