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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
where do I start/<br>
I'm starting to really get tired of DH.<br><br>
about DH, parent's divorced at an early age, mom left at age 3 or so,<br>
dad remarried and DH has never got on well w/ step-mom, his parents made some mistakes, and DH daily blames parents for things that happened in child-hood, also generally about how he was raised,<br><br>
for example DH blames them because he does not have a successful career,<br>
he work with/for his parents managing their real-estate, on the side for the past 2 years has been trying to come up w/ a great/successful business ideas<br>
but out of the 100's of ideas nothing has come to fruit yet<br>
which has been a major source of stress for our family,<br><br>
he asks and his been asking for my help for the past couple of years but as the mom of a 3 y/o and 1 1/2 y/o I can barely keep up w/ taking care of all the houswork while taking care of the kids. He resents me for not being more business minded and helping him, though I've told him if he has specific tasks for me to do I will try my best to do them, and I have done some clear and specific tasks here and there, apart from that i'm not able to come up w/ a successful business plan.....and to tell the truth i'm really not the entrepeneur type/self starter type, but I will work hard if given a task to do<br><br>
added to this...pressure<br>
DH constantly has to give advice about everything....<br>
like when I was giving DD her lunch ït'd be nice if when you make their lunch you could make look nice like a restaurant presentation" um DD usually throws her plate on the ground after a few minutes and mushes everything up and i actually do make it look really nice lot's of times<br><br>
the advice is <i>constant</i><br><br>
he had this crazy thing to say yesterday about the comforter hanging over the banister ÿou have to be carful you don't accidently throw on of te kids over the banister when you drop the blanket down" I said "I think I'd realize if a kids was rolled up in the blanket before throwing it down....we then had an argument about which resulted in himactually getting a 10lb bg of rice and some heavy vegetbles out of the fridge, wrapped them up in the comforter and then tried to slide the blanket over the banister and realized that it is indee very easy to feel if there is weight on the blanket...ugh!!!<br><br>
in additon to comments like these about how to raise the kids etc,<br><br>
I guess he at least is concerned about the kids, but it's just always telling me what to do in what I feel like is a condescending way.<br>
He never spends anytime w/ them by himself (giving me any kind of break) when he comes home he's usually in his öffice"doing "work" thought that is usually watching movies while surfing the net for business ideas....<br>
meanwhile I'm struggling to make dinner while having to stop to help the kids/ stop them from runnning around/ keeping an eys on the 1 1/2 yearold to keep her from climbing etc.<br><br>
I do all the housework, most of the time and the last time I went anywhere w/out the kids was to do a volunteer cooking class w/ kids, so not really any free time....while he has taken a few spa days (gone all day, got a masssage!) because he needs a break from working.<br><br>
he gets super snotty if I ask him something he's allready told me the answer to like, the date of an event or something, and makes a big deal of it, though he asks me again and again about the recycling schedule,<br><br>
how do I deal w/ all the snottiness and condescending attitudes, his claim is that he's just trying to improve our lives and I should'nt be so closed minded...<br><br>
i'm not the most organized /neat person so the house is not perfect,<br>
laundry sometimes not finished when he needs it, dinner sometimes not so tasty...etc,<br>
but we did agree kids come first.<br><br>
please your honest opinions
 

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Woah -- it sounds like he is really unhappy and he is taking it out on you.<br><br>
If he is still not moved beyond blaming his past, resentment of his parents for his life -- he hasn't taken personal authorship for his actions. So it's not surprising that he, likewise, blames you for problems, nitpicks you etc.<br><br>
He's got to realize he is the only one responsible for his life and that he has all the power in the world to make changes ... but also all the responsibility.<br><br><br>
Hugs to both you and him ...<br><br><br>
Liz
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thanks for reply,<br>
I think what you said is true<br>
he needs to move on<br><br>
It helps to have someone else say it because day after day of his attitude is chipping away at my own self esteem,<br>
I have to try not to let it get me down<br>
but I find myself thinking about constantly now<br><br>
remembering why he's the way he is helps w/ the annoying constant advice<br>
I just really hate the snottiness about having to repeat something he has allready told me.<br><br>
for me i don't mind at all telling him things again if he forgot...it's just not a big deal to me. I just don't see why it's so horrendous. Are there some of you who are annoyed by DH's that ask you things you've allready told them? '<br>
communication problems, have always been an issue for us
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
have you tried beign honest with him and telling him how his behavior makes you feel?
 

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This guy has way too much time on his hands. He criticizes that your meals for the toddler are not aesthetically pleasing enough? What do <i>you</i> reply when he criticizes (sorry, it's criticism, not "advice"). Do you tell him where to go, or do you just sit there and take it?<br><br>
He takes spa days - I hope YOU have gotten at least an equal amount of spa days.<br><br>
People will only treat you the way you let them. And you also need to let them know what your limits are.
 

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"Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning . . . may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help."<br>
from: <a href="http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types%20of%20Emotional%20Abuse" target="_blank">http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types%20o...tional%20Abuse</a>
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I don't sit there and take it and that's what makes things so combative and tiring, as we are just in this mode of nitpicking, I start doing the same thing back. I usually explainback why it's not possible or a good idea, sometimes I just don't want to hear him and walk away or completely ignore him.<br><br>
and avoid contact til he returns to acting like a decent human being again.<br><br>
He ususally get stressed or tense about work and that's when he get all wound up. Now he's fine and actually being really nice,<br><br>
i have read about the cycle of abuse though<br>
not quite convinced it's abuse though....<br>
controlling....yes trying to be dominant especilally when his self esteem is low about him not doing well creating a business.<br><br>
he has this annoying habit of trying to give advice or telling everyone about the latest new thing he's read that he thinks is great to do....<br>
his family members I know don't like hanging around him because of this from what his sister in law has told me,<br><br>
there are times when he sees my point of view and thanks me for being such a good mom etc.<br>
but when he's in his negative times it reallly sucks to be around him
 

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It sounds like he needs counseling to help him deal with all his unresolved anger and bitterness. He's taking it out on you now, which is not ok.<br><br>
Would he be open to couples counseling, or to going to see a counselor himself?
 

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That sounds like an aggravating personality trait...my Dh can be similar at times, because he was never shown how to *be* a good partner, by his parents.<br>
I would try to take the mellow approach. ((Hugs)) Tell him straight out what you can and can't do and let him live with unfulfilled expectations....it may be tough love, but you can only do what you can do.
 

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ARGH! He's pushing my buttons just by reading this! I would say get into couples counseling. Talk this through with a third party there to help. Really... he sits around watching movies while you do all the parenting and housework, and then he comes a criticizes the way you serve your toddler's meal?!?! That is so far past being ok in my book, and I can't imagine you feeling anything but more and more resentment the longer this goes on. He sounds very unhappy in life and you sound unhappy too with the way he is treating you. For me this would definitely be a go-see-a-counselor kind of situation.<br><br>
BTW my dh has a tendency to "give advice" (though not to quite the same extent as your dh as it sounds from your OP) and get mad/frustrated when I have to ask him to tell me something twice too. It drives me nuts! As it is I can call him on it and he almost always thinks about what I've said and then comes back and apologizes. If we weren't able to resolve it in that way, and if he wasn't also a great involved dad who does tons of cooking and housework then I would need for us to go to couples counseling to try to find some resolution.
 

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It sounds very much like emotional abuse to me. I would research that some more. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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perhaps you could tell him that you appreciate the fact that he wants to help improve things and that as you are always in the middle of something and cannot take on board his ideas while you are busy could he put them in writing and then maybe at the end of the day you could discuss how the two of you could implement them together. he may either not bother to write them down or realise that if he wants things done differently that he will need to help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
it's been awhile since i posted... I had been so upset w/ him getting annoyed/snotty w/ me for asking things he's told me before because<br><br>
he does it too!!!<br><br>
the advice part is really annoying but it really comes down to the tone he uses....<br><br>
i know he wants the best for our kids and is conastantly reading and searching things online for the way for kids to be raised so they can grow up successful....mainly because he feels his parents did such a crappy job; especially his step mom.....so if he has some good information I try to take it in and if it;s useful I consider it,<br><br>
if it's just annoying and not useful, sometimes i'll say mmm hmmmm, and think 'whatever!""to myself or if I'm really annoyed tell him why I think it's annoying, and get into an argument sometimes<br><br>
this past week I made a big freaking deal everytime he asked me something i'd allready told him....even if we were getting along well i just had to to it and was real bitchy about it......I just wanted him to know what it felt like,<br><br>
I think he got the point because he seemed to improve,<br><br>
a one point in all the arguing/talking/discussing about it, it came out that alot of the nagging and nitpicking may come from the fact the he feels i don't have any respect for him ....? I think this has to do w/ his low self esteem about not being able to make his own business successful<br><br>
I haven't delved into this yet as, well no i of course i don't have the same amount of respect for him as i do my dad and never will. My dad is one of the most rational calm men i know.....maybe he's jealous of how proud i am of my dad..? it shouldn't matter it's my Dad who lives thousands of miles away!?<br><br>
all his advice and annoyed behavior is just the surface behavior of something deeper.....not sure what it is and kind of don't feel like getting in to it though I know we should
 
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