[MommyDOK]

This situation happened a while ago, but it still kind of bugs me, and I wonder what I could have done differently.

We were beginning a move into a beautiful cul-de-sac--14 houses. The house we bought was a fixer-upper, so we needed to do a lot before we could get in. In between going back and forth to our old house, we had opportunities to meet our new neighbors, which was fun--lots of kids all around the block.

I was meeting my neighbor directly across the circle and my 6 month old was hungry, so I sat down on the neighbor's bench and nursed. ANother neighbor came down to meet me (man) and says Hi, introduces himself, welcomes me and then leaves. I stay nursing and then 10 minutes later the man's wife comes down and announces, "My husband left bc you were breastfeeding." It STILL bothers me. I didn't know what to say. I knew the house I was at formula fed bc I saw the boxes in her garage as I walked over to say hello.

I was really shocked...I guess I know people believe this way, but to announce it...just seems weird. I may have mumbled something like, "Well my baby was hungry".

What would you have said? Now keep in mind I wanted to say some really sassy things, but I live on this block and need to keep friendships up etc for the children.

 

[eclipse]

I probably would have said something like "It was kind of him to think of my comfort, but I'm comfortable nursing around anyone. Please let him know that it's not necessary to leave next time." I would miss her point on purpose, probably.

 

[ErinsJuneBug]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclipse "It was kind of him to think of my comfort, but I'm comfortable nursing around anyone. Please let him know that it's not necessary to leave next time."

Thats great!!! I could never be that clever in the heat of the moment!

OP - sorry that happened! How long ago was it? Any tension since then?

 

[MissE]

Did he leave because he felt offended or because he just didn't feel comfortable? I wouldn't worry about him being uncomfortable. He probably alraedy forgot about it.

My FIL is VERY uncomfotable around me when I'm BF my DD so I just leave and go into one of the bedrooms. I respect that he feels uncomfy and since there are other options for me I just go and get cozy with DD somewhere else.

 

[blessedwithboys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissE Did he leave because he felt offended or because he just didn't feel comfortable? I wouldn't worry about him being uncomfortable. He probably alraedy forgot about it. My FIL is VERY uncomfotable around me when I'm BF my DD so I just leave and go into one of the bedrooms. I respect that he feels uncomfy and since there are other options for me I just go and get cozy with DD somewhere else.

instead of leaving the room, why dont you just hand him a blanket to put over his head so he cant see you nursing?

 

[Sandstress]

I don't know what kind of tone she used but what about this scenario:

Man introduces self to new neighbor.
Man then realizes she is nursing baby.
Man doesn't think he is supposed to stick around looking at other woman's boobs.
Man goes back in house.
Man realizes his exit may have been hasty and awkward.
Man begs wife to go out and "smooth things over."
Wife goes out and explains man's kooky behavior.

Maybe?

 

[luv-my-boys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandstress I don't know what kind of tone she used but what about this scenario: Man introduces self to new neighbor. Man then realizes she is nursing baby. Man doesn't think he is supposed to stick around looking at other woman's boobs. Man goes back in house. Man realizes his exit may have been hasty and awkward. Man begs wife to go out and "smooth things over." Wife goes out and explains man's kooky behavior. Maybe?

I'd say that as well, without knowing her "tone" when she told you about her DH. My DH is so pro-Bfing as you can get and was very "vocal" if he felt someone was encroaching on me and my boys BFing. That being said he also knows that not all woman would feel comfortable with a stranger standing there while they nurse or that someone might prefer their "space" or heck after a wiggly nurser like I had, no distractions. So I probably wouldnt hold a grudge with him but might be a little peeved with her, again depending on "tone"

 

[Freud]

That's exactly what I was thinking probably happened.

 

[MommyDOK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclipse I probably would have said something like "It was kind of him to think of my comfort, but I'm comfortable nursing around anyone. Please let him know that it's not necessary to leave next time." I would miss her point on purpose, probably.

THAT is really good. I will remember that one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissE Did he leave because he felt offended or because he just didn't feel comfortable? I wouldn't worry about him being uncomfortable. He probably alraedy forgot about it. My FIL is VERY uncomfotable around me when I'm BF my DD so I just leave and go into one of the bedrooms. I respect that he feels uncomfy and since there are other options for me I just go and get cozy with DD somewhere else.

You're right. That could be the case too. My bil and fil leave as soon as I nurse and probably bc they have no idea what they should be doing. Neither of their wives bf, and I am the only person that they know that has ever bf in their living room. I guarantee that. I just hope that my presence "normalizes'" it a bit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandstress I don't know what kind of tone she used but what about this scenario: Man introduces self to new neighbor. Man then realizes she is nursing baby. Man doesn't think he is supposed to stick around looking at other woman's boobs. Man goes back in house. Man realizes his exit may have been hasty and awkward. Man begs wife to go out and "smooth things over." Wife goes out and explains man's kooky behavior. Maybe?

Well, her tone was more of a, "You should know not to nurse in front of a man" type reaction, BUT, I hate to second guess anyone's tone. I do like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, so maybe I will just think that's how it went or the alternative that her dh was uncomfortable and that is his issue. I've had another baby since then, and my woman neighbor is a little uncomfortable when I nurse too.

Sometimes I hang around pro bf moms/families so much, I FORGET what it is like out there. Out of the 4 moms on my block, I am the only one that bf. That's not very good odds for my neighborhood! I hang out w/ these moms when the weather is nice bc our children are riding their bikes and playing, but other than that, we're not bosom buddies (pun intended

One of my dearest friends, (ebf and her dh was very supportive) did thank me for putting on my nursing cover when at their house bc she knew it would make her dh feel uncomfortable if my breast became exposed. WHich has happened to me, I will add.

Thanks ladies!

 

[RheaSilva]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclipse I probably would have said something like "It was kind of him to think of my comfort, but I'm comfortable nursing around anyone. Please let him know that it's not necessary to leave next time." I would miss her point on purpose, probably.

But don't you think that sort of passive-aggressive behaviour is rude? The man was uncomfortable watching her bf so he removed himself from the encounter. People are entitled to their feelings, and I don't think he acted in a rude manner.

ETA: Breastfeeding is a wonderful, natural event; but trying to force it on people who don't want to be exposed to it is, IMO, counterproductive to our goals.

 

[tanyam926]

I think it depends on why she made the comment.

If she was just explaining why her dh left so that you didn't take his departure as rude, then okay, no big deal.

If she was chastising you for NIP, then no, the comment posted above by a pp that shows you thought he was concerned for your comfort is not rude.

There is no way to force someone to watch you nurse your baby unless you tied them to a chair and stuck your baby and breast in their face. If you are meeting your child's needs and someone feels uncomfortable, they have every right to leave.

I respect that some women feel more comfortable leaving a situation to BF if they think or know someone may be uncomfortable but I take offense if someone says that bc I don't leave the room to BF that I am being rude or setting back the lactavism cause. No one would like the same said about them bc they choose not to NIP at every available opportunity.

All types of BFers are valuable to the cause IMO.

 

[boobs4milk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MommyDOK I was meeting my neighbor directly across the circle and my 6 month old was hungry, so I sat down on the neighbor's bench and nursed.

were you on his bench? i'm confused?

 

[leaveit2beeker]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclipse I probably would have said something like "It was kind of him to think of my comfort, but I'm comfortable nursing around anyone. Please let him know that it's not necessary to leave next time." I would miss her point on purpose, probably.

Yup, I'd deliberately miss that point.

 

[Emmeline II]

Quote:

eclipse I probably would have said something like "It was kind of him to think of my comfort, but I'm comfortable nursing around anyone. Please let him know that it's not necessary to leave next time." I would miss her point on purpose, probably.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RheaSilva But don't you think that sort of passive-aggressive behaviour is rude? The man was uncomfortable watching her bf so he removed himself from the encounter. People are entitled to their feelings, and I don't think he acted in a rude manner.

We're not talking about the neighbor man's behavior, we're talking about his wife.

The top comment can be made in a completely innocent and polite sounding way. I think marching up to a new neighbor feeding her infant and scolding her for doing so because her husband decided to remove himself, is the rude behavior. Until that happened, everyone was quietly doing their own thing.

Quote:

ETA: Breastfeeding is a wonderful, natural event; but trying to force it on people who don't want to be exposed to it is, IMO, counterproductive to our goals.

I don't see how saying, "in case he did that to make me comfortable, please let him know it isn't necessary" is not force.

 

[Emmeline II]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissE My FIL is VERY uncomfotable around me when I'm BF my DD so I just leave and go into one of the bedrooms. I respect that he feels uncomfy and since there are other options for me I just go and get cozy with DD somewhere else.

This was suggested to me, but since my baby nursed ALL the time I noted that I might as well not visit at all; I'd never be in the same room. It was never brought up again.

 

[VisionaryMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MommyDOK You're right. That could be the case too. My bil and fil leave as soon as I nurse and probably bc they have no idea what they should be doing. Neither of their wives bf, and I am the only person that they know that has ever bf in their living room. I guarantee that. I just hope that my presence "normalizes'" it a bit.

I think a lot of men aren't sure. They don't want to look at your breasts, but they are a bit uncomfortable. My FIL is like that. MIL BF all of their kids, and my SIL BF in front of everyone before I did, but he still gets a bit squigged out. Plus, I think some women would chastise their husbands for staying in the situation you described, so the guy pay have been torn about what to do since you were BF before he came over.

 

[eclipse]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emmeline II We're not talking about the neighbor man's behavior, we're talking about his wife. I don't see how saying, "in case he did that to make me comfortable, please let him know it isn't necessary" is not force.

Right, that's exactly what I meant. It seems unneccessary to point out that he was uncomfortable, unless it was clear that she wanted to make sure the the OP knew that he wasn't trying to be rude by leaving. Either way, my response works. If it was a situation where the wife wanted to make sure her husband didn't come off rude, the comment assures her that you didn't find it rude. If she was trying to shame, then it makes it more difficult by being kind and deflecting it. Neighbor would have to raise the "coming off like a b!tch" stakes in order to clarify that she was, indeed, trying to shame the OP.

 

[RheaSilva]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emmeline II We're not talking about the neighbor man's behavior, we're talking about his wife. The top comment can be made in a completely innocent and polite sounding way. I think marching up to a new neighbor feeding her infant and scolding her for doing so because her husband decided to remove himself, is the rude behavior. Until that happened, everyone was quietly doing their own thing.

Oh, ok. Sorry; I misread the initial post

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emmeline II I don't see how saying, "in case he did that to make me comfortable, please let him know it isn't necessary" is not force.

Saying that and meaning it is fine but saying it in a deliberately obtuse way seems wrong to me.

By "force", I don't mean holding someone's eyelids open a la "Clockwork Orange" and making them watch someone breastfeeding! lol I just meant the advice to deliberately misunderstand the source of this man's discomfort is a sort of "in your face" gesture. Negating the feelings of another person who is uncomfortable having a bf'er is not nice and counterproductive.

But that's neither here nor there as I misread the initial post

 

[mariekitt24]

I understand how you must feel, and here's my take on the situation from an outsiders perspective. It sounds like he left because he wanted to give you your privacy, and the wife informed you in hopes that you wouldn't have felt offended by his sudden disappearance. I don't think it was because HE was offended, he was just trying to be courteous and I don't think they had any idea it would be offensive to you in doing so. If I read the post right, it doesnt make sense to me that he would have said hello in the first place if he was the one that was offended. Of course I can't hear the womans tone of voice either. Was she saying it in a mean way like "thanks a lot, my husband can't be here because you're being obscene." or was it more of an explanation for his behavior like "in case you were wondering why my husband did a disappearing act, he was just trying to give you some privacy."

I am all for breastfeeding, I think a woman should be able to do it anywhere anytime. But I can also understand from a different perspective these days that a lot of people just arent 'used' to being around it. If a man isnt used to being around it, and hes standing there alone with another woman who is doing it, he's bound to feel a little shy or unsure of how to act so therefore it may be easier for him to just leave. I hope I didn't make you feel unsupported in my post in any way, just trying to offer another perspective. I didn't read any of the other posts.