[Moya]

I've been a long time lurker but after yesterday I felt I needed to get on board so I could get some input. I had dd (not yet two) out in the yard playing and a posse of neighborhood boys (five of them, ages 3-10) came racing up my driveway and into my yard. Now I'm not too fond of these boys because they throw rocks, hit each other to the point of injury and play with projectile toys. So I started up with the NO, NO, NO, you boys need to leave now. I told them this was not a community play area. Well they left but two minutes later they came racing back up, onto the porch, into the garage. I threw them off out again and this time escorted them to the edge of the property. Lo and behold there's my neighbor (three houses down) telling the boys it's okay to play in my yard. I'll cut the story short and just say that I went ballistic. Now here's where I'm conflicted. I use GD for my babe and I believe it'd be wonderful if everyone treated their kids that way - but isnt' there a difference when you have to act toward (or react to) somebody else's kids? Because my dd's safety was involved, I didn't feel it was golden rule time. I gave the neighbor a verbal lashing in front of his kids. At first he tried to change the subject, then he apologized but I kept at him. I berated him awfully in front of his kids. I felt that if his kids could see that their Dad 'was in trouble' maybe they'd realize that he's not the definitive authority on where it's okay to play. I know it won't work but I'm not sure how else to treat the situation short of laying down a field of mines at the edge of my property. I guess I was looking for feedback on discipline when it's not your kid but your kid's safety is involved (is it no holds barred time?). Obviously talking to the parents is an approach that will have to be supplemented with some sort of interaction with these kids when they invade again. But what to do? I guess we could move. Oh well, any thoughts, no thoughts, I feel better just for venting.

 

[Raynbow]

Sounds drastic, but you can always call the police - it is tresspassing, plain and simple, and if you tell his kids to go away and they return - that is an offense punishable by the law. Maybe if dad has to pay a $300 fine or two, he will find someone else to pawn his kids off on.
Put up some of those "No Tresspassing" signs - only on HIS side of your lawn...

 

[EnviroBecca]

Hmmm...I understand why you were angry, but I don't think that yelling at the neighbor dad was a wise choice. When someone yells at you, you don't feel like cooperating and helping her, you feel defensive and want to justify your behavior, right? So yelling at him may make him MORE likely to send the boys over to terrorize you, to "prove" that he's "right" about where they can play.

I think the best approach to this situation if it happens again is to be polite but firm: "No, the boys cannot play in my yard. They're too rough for my daughter, and they're frightening her. Please have them play in your own yard." If neighbor dad is then rude to you, don't stoop to his level. Just repeat firmly, "It is my property, and the boys are not invited to play there." Then, if they're still coming over, call the cops.

Quote:

At first he tried to change the subject, then he apologized but I kept at him.

Always accept an apology. If a person believes that you're going to attack him whether he apologizes or not, he has no incentive to behave well toward you.

There is a difference between interacting w/your own GD'd child and interacting w/kids who are accustomed to much harsher treatment and thus require a lot more to get their attention. That doesn't mean anything goes, though. You may have to raise your voice more, intervene more quickly, and repeat yourself more...but you don't get to give anybody "a verbal lashing".

I know you were freaked out by the risk to your baby's safety, and I don't mean to scold you.

I just think that gentle ways work best when you use them as much as possible, when you think of yourself as a gentle person who can handle every situation without resorting to attack mode, rather than thinking of GD as something special you do for your own precious child while having no obligation to be gentle to anyone else. Try pretending you are a Jedi who must resist the temptation to use the Dark Side of the Force.

 

[Moya]

I totally see your points, EB. I reacted without having time to think about it. I actually didn't yell at him. I was just very aggressive, in your face, didn't give him a chance to talk til I was done. His apology was more along the lines of: "I'm sorry you feel that way" But like I said he didn't have much opportunity to speak. He's a peculiar fellow. He allows his 3 and 4 year old to play outside (in the road) completely unsupervised. At dinner time it's interesting to watch him canvass the neighborhood looking for them.

Anyway, thanks for the pointers. I definitely need a new approach. And I can't put up no trespassing signs because he's a couple of doors down and the next door neighbors would think I meant it for them.

 

[RubySweet]

Quote:

Lo and behold there's my neighbor (three houses down) telling the boys it's okay to play in my yard.

I'd be so shocked if that happened to me. I cannot imagine one of my neighbors being so rude. I have no tips though because I have no idea WHAT I'd do if it were me. Hope you can find a peaceful solution though.

 

[Sarihah]

I am EXTREMELY private and sensitive to boundaries issues, so I would have been absolutely outraged by the scene you are describing.

My response would have probably been to go over there and ask this man, calmly, deliberately and with a steady gaze, why he felt entitled to over-ride my wishes regarding the privacy of my home. I wouldn't have accepted any piddling answers, and I would have tried to continue to phrase my responses to any of his remarks as questions, so that he would continually have to explain himself.

If I was successful in getting his cooperation or a promise of cooperation regarding my wishes for my property, I'd leave it at that. I would make a cooperative end to the situation a priority.

But if he countered with any kind of attitude such as 'I'm sorry you feel that way about it', I'd have informed him that society at large seems to support my point of view, which is why we have laws regarding the distinctions between private and public property, and luckily I didn't have to rely solely upon the hope that my 'feelings' would be respected.

If I continued to have problems with the boys being on my property, I would first inform him that they were not respecting my wishes and that I expected him as a parent to do something about it, or I would call the police to see that my rights regarding my property were not disregarded.

 

[SunnyMa]

I def agree with pp that shouting at the man certainly won't do. Remember, you'll be living next to these people for quite awhile- try to keep the peace. Prev poster's rec was awesome!

 

[Vito's Mommy]

I have had to deal w/overstepping neighbors. Hard to keep your cool when they're totally ignorant. Buuut we're more likely to get our point across if we are some what calm, cool, and collected. Hope his children don't wind up on an Amber Alert :-(