[Mama_2_Boy]

My brother is going through a divorce. He and his SO split the end of last summer after a 15 year marriage. I don't mind saying that our family was relieved as she was a terribly abusive partner to him.
Anyways, the two boys are 13 and 10. There have always been issues with the younger boy pretty much from the get go. Now the split is having its own tole on top of that. When they come to visit, he is OUT. OF. CONTROL. I just don't know how to deal with this. Yes of course my brother is the one who should be handling this, but he is looking very tired and starts to let more and more things slide from the tireless effort of always having to deal with it (it seems). On top of that, he seems to have a very sneaky and deceptive nature. He has tried on more than one occasion tried to do something that would hurt my child. I think there is something really wrong with him. He seems to lack any empathy of any kind. He always instigates fighting with his older brother and then when things don't go his way, he screams and cries and carries on for close to an hour! Anyways we are having another family dinner tonight and since the weather got warm this week, we put the trampoline out. I told my brother last night, "one at a time" there are not more than one allowed". My brother is not always playing with them, sometimes I go off and play with the boys (and to keep an eye on my son that he is not trying to hurt him) and he will not listen! How do you deal with this? I have flat out told him before when he doing something to 'stop' and he continues...I keep telling him 'stop; no more; get down from there;" and he flat out ignores me. When my mum used to look after the two of them and they would start to fight, she would try to intervene and pull them apart, and he would physically attack my mother! My mother is 75, he could seriously hurt her. She told my brother 'no more, I'm not looking after the two of them together'. Anyways, I'm more venting here than anything but at the same time I'm not feeling very good about them coming to my home

 

[stellarae]

i just wanted to say i feel for you! i have my 6, almost 7, year old nephew living with me right now and he is the exact same way. life has become very very chaotic beacause of him... ive, too, wondered if there is something seriously wrong with him...

ill be looking at the replies you get (and i got some helpful ones on a post i made titled something along the lines of "help! extremely long but advice desperately needed" you might find some advice in there as well) and hoping for the best in both our cases.

 

[philomom]

Well, the nephew has suffered no consequences for his bad choices and actions. I can see that you are expecting and you don't want to place yourself or your 4 year in harm's way. Can you have them over only when your dh is present? Maybe a stronger male figure would be welcome in guiding them to make better choices.

Don't let this go on. You have every right to a safe home. If they make you and your child unsafe, then they will have to be uninvited.

 

[Mama_2_Boy]

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to have to batten down the hatches tonight and really try to keep it together. When I think of it, the boy is somewhat intimidated by my DH, not that DH is mean, but he stands 6'5" and is over 260 pounds so I think my nephew knows he means business!

 

[NiteNicole]

I have a cousin who has always been like that. I give him the rules and if he can't follow them, I'll tell him ONE time to stop and after that, I start yelling for one of his parents. If it becomes a meltdown and they have to go, fine. He scares the younger children when he flips, he has hurt people and broken things, and I don't think we should all be held hostage by one sometimes-scary kid.

I do make a point of not holding it against him, and I think this is why his problems with ME and in my home are fewer and fewer. Other adults in our family tend to kind of stay on him and jump on every little thing, even honest mistakes, even things they'd easily let slide with ANY of the other kids - and ignore when he's trying really hard to get along. I think that's really unfair. For whatever reason, controling himself and getting along with the rest of us is REALLY hard for him. I don't want to make it harder, nor do I want him to feel like - why even try, everyone treats me like dirt, anyway.

 

[paquerette]

Does your brother have them in counseling? Is he willing to explore that option?