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I will not let my baby, if we have a boy, be circumcised. It will not happen. The problem is that DH has no idea I feel this way and probably doesn't even realize that there is an anti-circ movement out there. I don't know how to talk about this with him. Everyone in both of our families is circ'd and he probably sees it as a non-issue.<br><br>
He didn't know anything about birth before I talked to him about midwifery and we took Bradley classes together, and now he is a big advocate for midwives and for not inducing, for example. It's cute. So he is open to learning new things, and he is totally AP when it comes to our DD. He would never in a bazillion years let her CIO, for example. That's just his nature.<br><br>
But I think this is different bc it is tied to him psychologically. I think for him to believe that circ is a mutilation, that he has to accept that HE was mutilated. I'm afraid of all the feelings this will bring up in him. He is a very emotionally sensitive man, even though on the outside he is quite stoic. I don't want to bring it up unless I have to (unless it's a boy) bc I don't want him to be hurt by the pain he will inevitably uncover in learning about what is actually done.<br><br>
Anyway, given this situation, how do you think I should approach him and bring up the issue? I didn't even want to find out the sex at the 20-week u/s, but I feel like I have to now, just so we can make sure we have talked about this at length before the baby is born. I don't want to have to get into a debate the day the baby is born. So you can see I'm very worried about this! TIA
 

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I would say to get to the info into your head first. read the stickies and the articles and newer studies (esp the ones on sensitivity). read about the flaws in the HIV studies. Maybe you've already done all this, if so, move right on to thinking about what kinda guy your DH is. YOu said he's into AP, so maybe you should present circumcision as the anti-AP.<br><br>
Talk about pain, talk about bonding, talk about circumcision causing breastfeeding problems. Make comparisons to other AP issues that he is on board with.<br><br>
YOu might go for the Penn and Teller episode if DH is into humor (with some nudity and swearing thrown in).<br><br>
Just some ideas going through my head right now...
 

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My DH ended up really surprising me. We didn't find out the sex ahead of time, and only had one conversation about circumcision before DS was born. I basically broached it by saying, well, if it's a boy we'll need to decide if we want to circumcise him. At first DH assumed that we would, since everyone that he knows is, as is DH. I was able to share what I had learned about there being no medical reasons to do it. We sort of left it there at that conversation, and didn't pick it back up again until DS was 2 days old.<br><br>
At that point it turned out that DH had been doing some thinking and realized that just because he was circed didn't mean DS needed to be ~ we were able to have a really good conversation about it, and found out that he was definitely leaning against it. Our doc presented it as "cosmetic surgery" that doesn't have a medical basis ~ that might be another approach that could be used. We wouldn't have put DD through any type of cosmetic surgery (or mutilation, depending on terminology being used), and didn't want to do that to DS unless it was medically necessary.<br><br>
So it may go much smoother than you're anticipating! Looking at that sweet little baby in our arms, it was especially difficult to picture putting him through an unnecessary surgery, for both me and DH.
 

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I'd start with focusing on how fewer people are doing it now, on how it's a cosmetic procedure with no medical benefits and how it's your ds's body and should be his choice and that if he wants it he can choose it later. I would not use the word mutilation at this point. Maybe that will be enough for him? If not, then you can bring in the big guns.
 

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I agree with Arduinna. It may not be necessary to convince him that circ is bad. It may be enough to convince that intact is good. Let him figure out the rest when he is ready to go there.
 

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Not all circed men want that for their sons. My husband was the one who told ME(yes I am ashamed) that we would never do something like that to our child. And then he told me to educate myself on the whole thing. My eyes were opened. I would bring it up NOW, regardless of whether you find out the sex. It doesn't have to be a blowup-just share what you have learned. You can tell him that you KNOW he's such a great dad that he would not want to hurt his child. And rememer that up until recently many hospitals did it without even asking. So it may not have been a concsious decision on your in-laws part. My in-laws were very supportive of our decision, they even encouraged their other son to forgo it when his son was born<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I was in much the same position with my dh when we first got pregnant- I was dead against it, and he had no idea it was even a question. For him, it was, "well, duh, that's what they do"<br>
I gathered every bit of info I could find- especially relating to the pain- he was very sensitive to that.<br>
His issues were:<br>
1- is it necessary?<br>
2- will he be made fun of?<br>
3- will he be like me?<br><br>
I convinced him that it was not necessary, and that with 60+ percent of parents leaving their boys intact (more in california where we live), he would likely not be made fun of.<br>
As for him being like dh, that one took some doing. I finally located the video of a circumcision being done, sound and all, and sat him down to watch it. After that, I asked him, "Now, is it worth doing that to your son just so that he will look like you?"<br>
That was the end of it for us.<br>
Now dh is almost as intactivist as I am.<br>
So there is hope. Don't be afraid to bring it up. Just be armed with the facts, and try not to present it as "there's something wrong with you" because that was, and is, the one thing that makes my dh shut down.<br><br>
Good Luck!
 

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He may surprise you. I waited until we found out the sex and I researched it. It only took me about 5 minutes to decide it was a terrible thing to do to a baby. I went out to the family room and said, "Do you want to circumcise him?" He asked why. I told him, and he said, "you researched it, if it's not necessary and you don't want to do it, we won't." That was the end of it, I love my DH!
 

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When I was PG with my DS the thought to not circ hadn't ever crossed my mind. I figured everyone did it and there must be a reason- I didn't even question it. I even put in the chart that I wanted the baby circ'd if it was a boy (it was a standard question my OB asked at the first prenatal visit). Then (THANK GOD!!) I saw a circ debate on another message board and researched it for myself. After making the decision to not circ, I went to my husband, prepared for a battle. He surprised me and said he did NOT want Isaac circ'd- even before I presented him all the info I had gathered.<br><br>
I said all that so I could say- your DH might surprise you. Don't start the conversation in fight mode- feel him out and see what conclusion he comes to once he sees all the research.
 
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