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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dh and I have been together for almost 15 years, married almost 9 of those. We have ALWAYS had a great relationship, but I am starting to get upset.<br><br>
We have a DS who is 7 weeks old. I am SO ready for another one and am vocal about it. Not like I want another one today, but a year or so. When I said this the other day he said "My boss siad if you are saying that, that I am doing too much."<br><br>
I was pissed. Even if his boss DID say it, you don't have to pass that info on. Is this his way of saying he thinks he IS doing too much?<br><br>
Thing is, the same day, DS started with what I believe is a growth spurt and was up all day and night and NOT happy at all. This has lasted for 3 days now and DH seems to be TOTALLY MIA. We have been trying to get the baby to take a bottle (just once a day) and he had stopped even trying to do that. Has not even asked if he should get the baby a bottle. Has not gotten him out of his crib (he sat up the other night and I tought he was getting him, he just said "DS stop and go to sleep" and sat there while he was crying. I stormed up and got DS, slammed the door and we slept in the basement (DS in his carseat) that night and the next day.<br><br>
I have NEVER felt this much resentment towards him. I want to punch him in the face. I am SO upset that I have not really talked to him in 3 days and it is just eating at me. I don't want to bring it up to him, I think HE should ask why I am pissed... not like he shouldn't know! I know he is not a mind reader, but if your DP slammed the door and went away for 24 hours+, don't you think he would get the hint?<br><br>
GGGRRRRRREEEEEEE. I am just so upset with the man, eben though I love him, I want to punch him in the face!<br><br>
Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice is welcome. I know I am sleep deprived, maybe that is why I am so touchy with all this<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I remember the first few months after having a baby as being so touchy with dh and I. Even though having a baby was a planned event, it was still a huge upheaval in our lives and the first time around we had a lot of arguments over how to support each other, who was doing the most work, things we said that hurt the other's feelings, etc. Sleep deprivation definitely didn't help.<br><br>
The second time around we were conscious of the Sleep Dep/Transition Effect and walked on eggshells around each other -- kind of like when we were first dating and getting to know each other better. We asked a lot of questions before assuming, we chalked just about anything said at night up to sleep deprivation (and dh can say a lot of incredibly grumpy/unparenting things when he's unconscious and being asked to function suddenly, though he's getting better . . . so can I, for that matter), we clarified intentions, we thanked each other for everything. It sounded a little over-the-top to our friends and family, I'm sure, but it really helped.<br><br>
It sounds like you need to sit down and clear the air with each other. Explore your new roles as parents, talk about your expectations for each other, and please please please don't assume the other parent will *know* what you're thinking . . . that rarely happens at the best of times and right now you're *both* hormonal and very tired, I'm guessing. (And yes, new fathers get hormonal, too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> )<br><br>
Congratulations on your new baby and good luck!
 

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Does he actually think that telling a 7 week old to go to sleep, that they will. Babies THAT young are going to wake up. Does he not know that they need to eat during the night? Does he even care?<br><br>
Being new parents is hard. When our first was a newborn, I thought I would never get to sleep again. I really did. I was so senstive and easily cried, all of which are NORMAL. My husband would sleep during feedings, for the most part, but if I needed help, he would help. Our son was one who would get snuggled in at the breast and fall asleep. Daddy would tickle his feet to wake him up and help me.<br><br>
Your husband either hasn't a clue, or doesn't care as long as HE doesn't have to do any parenting.
 

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Sounds like your husband isn't ready to be a parent ( which is tough shit because now he is one ) I'd be waking his a** up in the middle of the night if he isn't helping you. He needs to step up to the plate here.
 

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My understanding of your situation is that he was helpful until he talked to his boss? Am I correct?<br><br>
Assuming that I am, I have to wonder then why your dh would care so much about what outsiders may think about what he does or not does in the home and for his family? Shouldn't his concerns lie more with what you think and feel? How the family dynamics are working?<br><br>
I know my dh caught a lot of "manure" for the times he took of work, all the nights he helped, how he turned into Mr. Mom when I was pregnant with the twins. Some jerks went so far as to get him a cleaning bucket with supplies and a pink frilly girlish apron. In these guys minds, he was "whipped."<br><br>
The funny thing is, the few that did this were all single or divorced. Did it bother my dh? To be honest, it did a little. But then he realised that it didn't matter if the guys thought he was "whipped." What mattered was that his family was happy and healthy.<br><br>
I know you are angry. Can you try to put the anger aside and ask him what he is thinking and feeling. Listen to what he says as well as what he doesn't say. Then ask him about his vision of how the family will be. Try to stay calm, not cry, (hard I know) use I feel statements. Stick to the facts and don't assume anything.<br><br>
Maybe he is feeling a bit more overwhelmed about parenthood, while you are saying you could do this again. He might be feeling insecure?<br><br>
I'm not saying he was right. Not at all. I just know with my dh, he has said and done similar things, X said this when it is really dh's own feelings as it is very difficult for him to instigate open dialogue. If he can put his feelings on X, it's a bit easier. But after 23 years, I can see through the bull and he is starting to talk a lot more.<br><br>
I hope you can get to the bottom of this and get it all sorted out. Amazing isn't it how someone you love so much can also drive you so bonkers?<br><br>
Janis
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
DH has been helpful through the entire pg and till the last week. Yes, things seemed to change after he told me what his boss said (That said, his boss has a crappy marrage with a wife who goes to the bars like EVERY night till 3 AM while he tends to 4 kids day and night. His boss has always been very family supportive and was the MOST excited out of everyone about our surprise baby! So where this is coming from from him, I have no idea)<br><br>
He knows that telling DS to sleep is not going to work (I have said the same to DS out of desperiation) and knows he has to eat at night. I think he see me breastfeeding as a "out" in the nighttime parenting thing. Then he sleeps in EVERYDAY which, maybe I am jellous. Maybe it is all in my PP head?<br><br>
He really is a great guy. He does all the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning. By doing all this (which he has done for years) maybe he feels that is his contributuion. Maybe that is his ticket out of the night time parenting thing. But to be honest, I would gladly do the laundry if he would burp and change DS after I nurse him at night.<br><br>
I will try to talk with him today,but tableing all the hurt and anger is not going to be easy. And not crying.... tough chance! I was crying just reading your posts! Wish me luck and thanks for the advice!
 

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Take it for what it is worth, but sleep deprivation and disrupted sleep makes people short tempered and nasty. If you've always gotten along well and this is out of character behavior for him (and it sounds like for you) it is time for everyone to try to back off a little, get some sleep and start things fresh another day. I'd do whatever you can to simplify life in the ways you can (skip long term cleaning, get take out if you can afford it, etc.) and just try to take care of each other.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>scsigrl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7325196"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We have a DS who is 7 weeks old. I am SO ready for another one and am vocal about it. Not like I want another one today, but a year or so. When I said this the other day he said "My boss siad if you are saying that, that I am doing too much."<br><br>
I was pissed. Even if his boss DID say it, you don't have to pass that info on. Is this his way of saying he thinks he IS doing too much?</div>
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You know, it's all in body language. Said in a teasing way, this could be just a joke--not a great one, but nonetheless harmless. So I'm thinking it was more along the lines of a final straw. Caught you the wrong way when you were wishing he'd step up a tiny bit more in the night-time parenting, from the sounds of other posts.<br><br>
I totally agree with what Roar has to say about taking a step back, stripping things down to the essentials, and looking out for each other.<br><br>
I'd add that much as you'd like another child, it might be a good idea to let the idea lie quietly for a few months. He <b>knows</b> because you've communicated that to him. So now enjoy the new little one in your lives.<br><br>
FWIW, my dh did do the burp and change thing after I fed dd, when she was tiny. At first, he pretty much had to help at night, because dd ended up being a c-sec, and even leaning over to the arms reach to pick her up was a bit of a strain on the abs and the incision. So maybe we got into the habit. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
You've been with your dh long enough to know that you don't have to "table" the hurt and anger in order to talk to him. You just have to be able to listen to what he has to say and speak clearly in what you have to say.<br><br>
Be gentle with each other.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mama Poot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7326144"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Sounds like your husband isn't ready to be a parent ( which is tough shit because now he is one ) I'd be waking his a** up in the middle of the night if he isn't helping you. He needs to step up to the plate here.</div>
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Are you serious? Having a newborn in the house is a rough transition for both Mom and Dad. The OP said her husband had previously been helpful and then obviously took his boss waaaayyy too seriously.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>scsigrl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7325196"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We have a DS who is 7 weeks old. I am SO ready for another one and am vocal about it. (</div>
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Do you think he is reacting badly due to the above?<br><br>
I was a wreck when DS was 7 weeks old and the mere mention of another child from DH would have sent me over the edge (now DS is our Only by choice so just making an example).<br><br>
But I wonder...
 

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I am going to step out here and say that no way is it a dad's job to feed a tiny baby - day or night bottle or breast.<br><br>
I have had four children and my husband has never got up in the night (not my dd's dad nor my ex) Why would he need to I am the one feeding and I am perfectly able to change a baby in the night and settle him or her too. No lights on is the way to go I must add. Lights on in the night, passing to daddy for this that and the other or going to a different room to feed are all, in my experience, ways to wake a baby up and keep them awake. Have you thought about co sleeping? Have a look at the night time parenting forum if you haven't already.<br><br>
Do everything quietly and with minimal fuss. Dress your babe in easy access clothes so you can change a nappy easily. Have everything to hand next to the bed and don't talk. You need your partner to sleep through feeding and night waking so that he can keep on top of his job and all the things you say he already does around the home. Give him a break!<br><br>
I know that sleep deprivation can take you to the edge of reason and it will be doubly bad if both of you are waking constantly in the night so one of you need to try to sleep some and unfotunately as mummy that is unlikely to be you. Jealousy about who is sleeping most is inevitable but don't make it a battle. Things will get better honest.<br><br>
15 years as a couple working as a team and sharing many roles is a long time. Tell me to shut up if I am off the mark here but does your resentment come from the fact that you cannot divide the responsiblity for your child equally between you because you carried him you birthed him and now you are feeding him and it seems like its all your work?<br><br>
If this is the case you need to let go of this concept of equal shares. OUr household is no way traditional compared to most but I know that for the first months and years I will be the one doing the baby work. there is a biological reason for that and it is how it should be. Our older dd is 4 now and goes to the office with her dad 3 afternoons out of 5 and hangs out with him colouring while he catches up on paperwork. Dh takes the boys out shopping for food and does the evening events at school as well as running a business and doing cooking.<br><br>
He is doing this because I neeeed to be with our little one and she neeeeds to be with me. Welcome to mummy land. There is plenty of time for your dh to do stuff with his son but now is not the time.<br><br>
Do talk to him and tell him you are finding things difficult - admit maybe that this is harder than you thought and tell him how you feel. He won't be able to fix it but he could tell you that you are doing a fantastic job. Sleep together and have some cuddles; mummies need loving too but when I'm feeling spiky I realise I might be putting dh off having anything to do with me so giving him a hug and telling him I need some love is a good start (our kids say this too when they are feeling bad and we offer them love if they are getting too mad)<br><br>
Lastly, I know this has got long, don't sleep in the basement with your little one in his carseat, that can't be good for the little pickle or you.<br><br>
Good luck and enjoy your litttle one because this time goes by so quickly<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JanisB</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7326424"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know my dh caught a lot of "manure" for the times he took of work, all the nights he helped, how he turned into Mr. Mom when I was pregnant with the twins.</div>
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Is that the coworkers' use of "Mr. Mom", or yours? That term gets on my nerves. He was not being Mr. Mom, he was being DAD.<br><br>
OP, those first few months with babe #1 were the toughest time of my life. Easily. Talk to your DP and find out why he cares more about what his boss says than about taking care of his own kid. Maybe he just feels overwhelmed. Maybe he feels lost.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Is that the coworkers' use of "Mr. Mom", or yours? That term gets on my nerves. He was not being Mr. Mom, he was being DAD.</td>
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Both. The term for this instance meaning not only did he do his normal dad duties, he took over many of my (the mom) duties. He pretty much did it all.<br><br>
We've always tried to have an equitable division of everything. There have been times I did his share (after back surgery etc) and he has done my share.<br><br>
I call him, lovingly, Mr. Mom and he calls me the domestic goddess. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br>
When we use these terms between us it is always good natured. I do realize that for some, they aren't viewed that way and may be seen as derogatory.<br><br>
Janis
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nancy926</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7341897"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is that the coworkers' use of "Mr. Mom", or yours? That term gets on my nerves. He was not being Mr. Mom, he was being DAD.<br></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JanisB</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7342078"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
I call him, lovingly, Mr. Mom and he calls me the domestic goddess. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br>
When we use these terms between us it is always good natured. I do realize that for some, they aren't viewed that way and may be seen as derogatory.<br><br>
Janis</div>
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I don't necessarily view the term as derogatory, but the meaning can be there behind it sometimes. Not with you, but maybe others at work.<br><br>
I don't really have much advice except that I DO NOT agree with the PP who said that it is your responsibility to do all this. Call me a feminist, and there are some things that your husband just CAN'T do- which, I guess, would only really be breastfeed, and there will be a different relationship between you and your dc and your husband and your dc, but there's no reason at all that the man can't change a diaper. I'm sorry, but the antiquated thought that taking care of a baby is the MOTHER's responsibility is, in my very humble opinion, a crock of you know what.<br><br>
I wish you the best. I truly do.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>deuxceleste</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7342128"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm sorry, but the antiquated thought that taking care of a baby is the MOTHER's responsibility is, in my very humble opinion, a crock of you know what.</div>
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Its not antiquated and in talking about nappy changing I am talking about night time care. Daytime is another thing but I cringe at the thought of mothers who I know hand their dc over to the dad as soon as he walks in the door from work because she's 'Had the baby all day so now its his turn' This isn't work its parenting for goodness sake.<br><br>
I think that sometimes with our 'feminist' heads on we can expect a lot of our dps and lose sight of the fact that they also have a lot on their plates. The OP doesn't say that her husband is a lazy waste of space does she?<br><br>
We cosleep with a baby and a 3 year old so I do my night time parenting whilst trying not to disturb anyone. My dh was incredibly sleep deprived after dd1 was born and nearly lost his job after taking it out on his (childless) boss because he was tring to hold it all together at home.<br><br>
It is not-unemancipated to try to enable your dp to sleep enough so that he can do his job well enough to keep the roof over your head and be awake enough to drive there and back safely.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>orangefoot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7341718"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have had four children and my husband has never got up in the night (not my dd's dad nor my ex) Why would he need to</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bow.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bow"> you are better than me I admit.<br><br>
If DH (who has been DS's Primary Caregiver since birth) hadn't gotten up with DS in the middle of the night, I don't think we would be married today.<br><br>
But as it stands, we both say that DH is his Second Mama.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>orangefoot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7342729"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Its not antiquated and in talking about nappy changing I am talking about night time care. Daytime is another thing but I cringe at the thought of mothers who I know hand their dc over to the dad as soon as he walks in the door from work because she's 'Had the baby all day so now its his turn' This isn't work its parenting for goodness sake.<br><br>
I think that sometimes with our 'feminist' heads on we can expect a lot of our dps and lose sight of the fact that they also have a lot on their plates. The OP doesn't say that her husband is a lazy waste of space does she?<br><br>
We cosleep with a baby and a 3 year old so I do my night time parenting whilst trying not to disturb anyone. My dh was incredibly sleep deprived after dd1 was born and nearly lost his job after taking it out on his (childless) boss because he was tring to hold it all together at home.<br><br>
It is not-unemancipated to try to enable your dp to sleep enough so that he can do his job well enough to keep the roof over your head and be awake enough to drive there and back safely.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:</div>
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Okay, you have a point that the dad shouldn't have to stay up all night, every night. If you have to go to work in the morning, you should be able to have halfway decent sleep. Fair enough.<br><br>
That being said, what is wrong with handing Dad the baby when he gets home so Mom can have a moment to pee, finish dinner, or just breathe? When is parenting only the MOTHER's job? When my DH comes home, sometimes I leave for an hour or so, sometimes I finish dinner, or sometimes I just veg for a few minutes. He is their parent and he can darn well deal with them too. Oddly enough, he considers himself the other parent and it does not bother him at all.<br><br>
I guess some guys consider the WOH part of their life to be the only contribution they should have to the marriage and parenting. Oh and the sperm.
 

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I know it's hard, but honestly I would step back from this and realize that it's probably partially rooted in postpartum upheavals, it's not even been 12 weeks yet--and partially that you are already talking about the next one.<br><br>
Please keep in mind that the daddy also adjusts (both physically, emotionally, and even hormonally) as well, and I think in some ways it can be more of a shock for men, who are not as intimately connected with the baby through pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding.<br><br>
Yes, he was unwise in relating what his boss had said. However, why are you punishing him for someone else's idiocy? Giving him the silent treatment is punitive and is hurting him every day. I doubt he's not noticed, but perhaps he's afraid of setting you off again. Or he's angry at you too. Or he's overwhelmed and has no idea how to respond to you.<br><br>
Personally, I would go to him, and mention how you really appreciated his taking on his part of parenting, and that you've noticed that he seems to be withdrawing, and how can you two work it out that he doesn't do that, since YOU and the baby need and want him. I would also outright tell him that you don't want another baby right away, just that you are looking forward to having more when ALL of you are ready. I'd also mention that you were hurt by his boss' comments, and that you'd appreciate it if he didn't talk to his boss about that--or just not share those thing with you, because it hurt your feelings and made you feel like your DH didn't value his contribution to parenting your baby. And really honestly, I'd also apologize for any behavior you've done that could be construed as bratty, like er...slamming doors or silent treatment. NO matter what the cause, that's immature and I'm pretty sure from your post that you kind of feel a bit sheepish about that even if you're still pissed. Hell, tell him you're pissed too!<br><br>
You all are in a very vulnerable time right you. You and he are adjusting to parenthood and some major upheavals in yoru relationship. If you've been together just-you for so long, the change can be even greater. The baby deserves to have as little stress in the home as you can manage. Are you really happy waiting for him to make the first move so that you can have the high ground? I doubt it. I don't know about you, but I tend to feel even more angry and bad if my partner continues to not realize how right I am.<br><br>
So yeah, talk to him. YOu don't need to be fakey fakey or anything--just be honest. Appreciate what you want to see more of, and set your boundaries for what you don't (like getting gossip back, when really you wouldn't have wanted DH discussing you in that way in the first place).
 

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I hate to say this, but I am with your husband and on this one. If he is doing all the laundry, cooking, much of the cleaning, working full time, and then you also expect him to get up at night and burp/change the baby after you nurse him and now you're trying to introduce a bottle so he can feed the baby as well, it seems like he is shouldering a huge part of the burden of the household and parenting responsibilities, at a time when he probably still feels really lost and clueless about actually taking care of this tiny creature. My DH was much like yours, very helpful and did a lot of the housework, but he was really at sea in some ways with the baby in her early few months. I think if he is feeling super overwhelmed, and it seems like you are just fine and dandy and ready to have the next baby, I can totally see why he would freak out on you!<br><br>
In terms of the conversation with the boss, maybe since he's so family friendly and is a family guy your DH is confiding in him that he's having a hard time with the sleep deprivation and the adjustment and the amount of work and just the overwhelming adjustment with a newborn? He's probably mentioning it to you because HE thinks he's doing too much or you're expecting too much of him , and needs someone else's agreement to support his point. The fact that his boss has a crappy marriage with four kids that he is entirely responsible for while his wife goes out and parties all night actually underscores his advice--he is probably like, "Hey, don't do what I did, if you are doing all the work and your wife wants to keep having more babies while you take care of them, pretty soon you'll end up like me, taking care of all four little ones while your wife expects you to take care of them at night while she's out at the bar all night every night."<br><br>
Until recently, I was overwhelmed enough with the one baby that I couldn't imagine having another one, and it sounds like your DH might be overwhelmed too. I know that in the early days, we BOTH felt like we were doing "all the work" of caring for the baby and maintaining the house. It took a while for DH to be able to really comfort her without the boob, to get her to sleep, etc. On the other hand, he was also suddenly the sole wage earner for the first time in our relationship and financially responsible for three people suddenly. And we were both sleep deprived and cranky and freaked out with the demands and the adjustment. We are the ones who are physically recovering from birth and dealing with all the demands of breastfeeding, etc., but we also have hormones that help us with them, and have been much more connected with the babies pre-birth than the men can possibly be. And men don't really have their transition to parenthood recognized and honored, AT ALL. Especially now in a world where our gender roles and expectations are really unclear and hard to figure out, and there are not the other community supports for parenting, I think there is a lot of struggle to define our roles and "jobs" as parents and our expectations of the situation and of each other.<br><br>
I think you need to end the stalemate and try to get on the same page with him, tell him how you are feeling but not as an accusation, but to share yourself with him and open the door to more communication, and really to listen to how he's feeling too.
 
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