[gaialice]

Hi everyone,
I am new here. Ever since my two little girls (now 2 and 4) were born I have trusted my instinct as to how to raise them: I nursed a long time, held them forever when they were babies, co-slept to the extent that my sore back and that of my husband allows, never let them CIO .... However, we both work and that is the main limitation for me in terms of AP.
They were in daycare centre since age 6 months and 8 months (half days) with the rest of the day in care of my live-in nanny. Altogether, there is a lot of non-AP in their upbringing, coming from all the time they spend in the company of other people, and my husband half-heartedness in AP in the first place.
Anyway, I have a feeling that they are disciplined much more heavily by other people than me and as a result when they are with me they really do act up: many times they do not even listen to what I say to them! Even when we are in the street they run away from me and this can be dangerous...
I am not sure how you react when you tell things over and over again and your children do not even seem to notice what you are saying? My husband is more and more resenting our non-spanking policy and is clearly trying to change my mind about it. I really do not think it would be a solution, but ... boy, how disrespectful they are I cannot tell you. They just plain do what they like and if someone interferes they become cheeky (to their grandmothers, aunts, oncles) and even at time aggressive. I really feel that this complete lack of respect cannot be good for them.
These holidays they were really cranky because of overexcitement and poor routines etc and my family were appalled at their behaviour and my lack of reactions....
I know there is no quick fix but I needed to share this.
Lo

 

[cmb123]

Wow! What a frustrating place to be in!
I am a single mother of 3 children, and work full time. I was lucky enough to stay home for a number of years, so my AP lifestyle was established before I went back to work full time. I don't think it's too late for you to be able to regain control of the situation, and definately believe it's never to late establish an AP relationship with your kids. After all... what would spanking really do in this situation besides make you and them feel terrible?
It sounds as though the girls are feeling really disconnected from you and your husband. I'm sure he feels frusterated too, and I can understand his hesitancy toward gentile discipline when the situation feels like it needs something really strong. Assure him that AP IS strong. Love is the strongest thing we have when it comes to our children. Decide together the kind of household you'd like to see yours become, and make a united decision to reshape the family into that household. Let your nanny know what is expected and help her with getting familiar with this parenting style.
I know from being a full time working parent that it is exhausting at the end of the day to then turn around and have to deal with children who may be acting out, and THEN try to handle it calmly and with love. What I find works for me is to really let go the small stuff- house work, laundry, erronds- and really focus on them. Hold them, TALK to them, let them "help you" with dinner even if it's just easier to do it yourself...etc... Build that attachment with them in the time you ARE with them... maybe sleep with them if you don't already.
AP and GD do not mean that you have to allow them to be rude and disrespectful to you or others. Let the girls know what you're expectations are and demonstrate them in your interactions with them and others. Read some books on GD and find ideas that you think sound useful to your family.
You are right that things will not be fixed over night, but if you start now, and are consistant, I'm sure you'll see changes sooner than you may think.
Good luck to your family.
Connie
Mother to three awsome kids. 4, 6, and 8
G

 

[Linda KS]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaialice Even when we are in the street they run away from me and this can be dangerous... I am not sure how you react when you tell things over and over again and your children do not even seem to notice what you are saying?

I try to just tell my kids something once and then "make it so." Like with the street thing, my kids (who are 6 and 8) still have to hold my hands. When they were small if they started to dart I would grab them and carry them (even if they were mad about being carried).

Quote:

My husband is more and more resenting our non-spanking policy and is clearly trying to change my mind about it. I really do not think it would be a solution, but ... boy, how disrespectful they are I cannot tell you.

It sounds like you guys need to try some new things because neither you nor your DH are happy with your DDs behavoir. I think discipline is a lot more complex than spanking/no spanking. I really like books by Faber and Mazlish. My favorite is Liberated Parents Liberated Children, but the most popular is How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk. Your library should these.

 

[gaialice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linda KS I try to just tell my kids something once and then "make it so." Like with the street thing, my kids (who are 6 and 8) still have to hold my hands. When they were small if they started to dart I would grab them and carry them (even if they were mad about being carried).

Sounds like a good idea, but how can i carry BOTH?

Feeling discouraged today after a very bad night yesterday ...

 

[Linda KS]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaialice Sounds like a good idea, but how can i carry BOTH? Feeling discouraged today after a very bad night yesterday ...

Yeah, when I started that one was still in the sling

Would it work to have both girls hold your hands all the time you are near streets for awhile?

Sorry things are going so badly ....