[scraphappy-Red]

Hello Mamas!

I'm new to this forum and newish to MDC, although I'm not new to parenthood or APing.

DH and I really want to adopt. My heart and his heart have been called to this and despite our plentiful fertility, we have always know we would eventually adopt.

My ultrasound last Monday confirmed another girl is on the way, so while I was hoping to give DS a brother, I know now that having another baby girl only solidifies our resolve to adopt another DS to join our family (as we are done birthing the babies ourselves...being preggo just isn't so fun anymore).

We spoke with the two agencies in town last spring and had the most upsetting visit at the first agency. The SW told us that by adopting a boy in our age range (between 4-7ish) that we would almost be guaranteed to be bringing a sexual predator into our home. And since this boy would be older than our bio-girls, we would be responsible for putting them into direct danger. She told us that we should just be happy with the family we already have and should wait until our bio-kids are teens before thinking about adopting.

I cried when we left the appointment. My heart was broken. I really FEEL deep down in my heart, that we have a missing son and he is out there, right now, waiting for us to find him. But then I feel absolutely sick to my stomach thinking the SW's words "we would be bringing a sexual predator into our home and putting our girls into immediate danger".

We would like to begin the home study early summer (we already have the paperwork and an attorney) but I'm frightened now. Are we doing the right thing???

 

[lauren]

WElcome!!

That seems like a very strange way for the SW to start off a relationship with you. It almost seems as though she was trying to discourage you. There are certainly children of all ages 'in the system' with unfortunate abuse histories. When it comes to sexual abuse, this isn't always the reason for a child to be removed. For those that are removed for being sexually victimized, not all of them (male or female) respond to that abuse by abusing other victims. Some do (male and female), but the majority do not. Some children who have been sexually abused do become sexually reactive, but that still involves a wide range of responses; victimizing others is only one way of being reactive. So all these variables have an impact on the likelihood of there being a dangerous situation with a future placement.

Unless this agency specializes in placing only sexually offending boys, I can't understand her 'take' on this problem.

 

[pumpkingirl71]

Welcome

I am sorry that the social worker discouraged you. My experience adopting from foster care was similar. Social workers were very negative and I often felt that they were trying to talk us out of adoption.

I adopted out of birth order also. Our daughter's adoption is a kinship adoption so we adopted at a time that was not really when we were prepared.

Adopting out of birth order is very difficult. The warning about a boy between 4-7 being a sexual predator was over the top, but it as a possibility. Adopting out of birth order is VERY hard on younger siblings. My dd, who has attachment issues, used her younger brother as a way to get negative attention from us. She was often aggressive or just mean to him. Two years later, things are looking up and I think everyone in our family is better off for the experiences we have had. But there were days I wanted to ship my daughter away because of the agony she inflicted on my son. It was a very hard time for us. I am not trying to talk you out of adopting an older boy, just warning you that is can be very hard.

Good luck making your decision and enjoy the new baby

 

[RedOakMomma]

What about adopting internationally? Not as a "safe way out" from domestic adoption, because I think the sexual predator stuff was WAY overblown, but it is another option. There are many countries where the saying is "families wait for girls, but boys wait for families." That's especially true, it seems, when the boys are beyond infancy. Many countries have toddlers and young boys who need families, and unfortunately there just isn't as much interest in them as in girls.

 

[theretohere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma What about adopting internationally? Not as a "safe way out" from domestic adoption, because I think the sexual predator stuff was WAY overblown, but it is another option. There are many countries where the saying is "families wait for girls, but boys wait for families." That's especially true, it seems, when the boys are beyond infancy. Many countries have toddlers and young boys who need families, and unfortunately there just isn't as much interest in them as in girls.

Can I ask which countries? I've never heard that and I'm interested.

 

[RedOakMomma]

From what I've read and been told by our social worker, it applies to almost EVERY country except for the countries that place mostly girls (China especially, but also India to some extent). There's a long history of couples preferring to adopt females internationally, so in programs where the children available are roughly 50/50 male/female, the male babies and toddlers are often left to grow up in the orphanage/government system. I've been lurking on adoption forums for years, and I've often seen that the waiting list for girls is many months or even years long, but agencies are actively looking to place boys with no waiting. Off the top of my head...look into Korea, Ethiopia, Philippines, Vietnam, etc. There's a long list of programs someone has put together...

http://www.creatingafamily.com/index...doption/charts

You could do a little research there, and often you'll see indicators like "parents may have to wait longer for the referral of a girl." That's a good indication that there are many more boys waiting for families, or at least many fewer adoptive families who want boys. There's another website called www.myadoptionlinks.com, but it seems to be down right now.

We adopted from South Korea, so that's the only system I know well. In our case we were referred a girl (which was allowed by our agency because we had three boys), but some agencies have waiting lists right as you start the process....one for girls, one for boys. Over the 1.5 years we were in-process, I saw several agencies with 12+ month-waits for girls, and NO wait for boys. That's different now that the China process has slowed so much and many people have moved to adopting from South Korea, but there still is a VERY big difference in wait times for girls and boys (among the agencies that allow gender preference).

I've heard, too, that as children age it becomes even harder to place boys. People adopting infants or very young toddlers (less than 18 months) internationally are a little less willing to adopt baby boys, but when you look at toddler adoptions from countries, or even more so--waiting child adoptions, they're a lot less willing to adopt boys.

As for why....there are a lot of good articles on this, but it comes down to a lot of pretty sad reasons....

1) Boys of a different cultures are seen as more threatening, less able to assimilate, and more strongly associated with a race's negative stereotypes.

2) Some people feel less comfortable with a male of a different race carrying on a family name.

3) Boys of different races are seen as less physically attractive (too dark, too short, too whatever

:...even though females would have the same characteristics, it's more "offensive" to be different when you're male.)

4) Often moms are more influential in pursuing adoption, and women sometimes feel more comfortable adopting a girl rather than a boy, especially if the boy is going to be very different than the rest of the family. Having a gender in common is comforting to adoptive moms, as some might assume it's easier to feel close in a mother-daughter relationship.

It goes on and on.... All of these things, I would guess, are pretty subconcious leanings on the part of most adoptive parents. I don't think the process is clogged with blatantly racist parents...I think a lot of this comes from years of exposure to societal racism and bias, so that when the idea of adopting comes up in peoples' heads, most of them picture adopting a girl. When that picture is already there, it's a little harder to open your mind and heart to a boy. Especially an older boy.

 

[queenjane]

I'd also like to add that WACAP has a program that greatly reduces or waives the adoption fee for boys in that age group that you are seeking, for certain countries (Ethiopia for sure and i'm not sure what others)....maybe its something you could look into to see if its right for you.

Katherine

 

[excitedtobeamom]

Here is WACAP's link to their program that greatly reduces fees. There is a huge need for boys:
http://www.wacap.org/FamilyFinders.asp
They lower the cost significantly for boys 5 and up and girls 10 and up. It show how much more girls are preferred than boys in the adoption world.

I also just received the DVD of waiting children from Adoption Advocates International and there are some absolutely adorable healthy boys that are around 5 years old just waiting for a family. Their link is:
http://www.adoptionadvocates.org/welcome/entry.php

If you contact AAI they can send you the DVD.

I would definately talk to some other agencies. The two I mentioned above have been very helpful to me on my adoption journey.

 

[Tigeresse]

What ROM said is absolutely true and what we were also surprised to find out when we began pursuing adoption. I don't think ruling out domestic is absolutely necessary, but for sure internationally boys are much more readily available.

Taiwan is another possibility that I've heard has much shorter wait times for boys, but it has increased dramatically in popularity since China has slowed down so much.

http://www.journeysoftheheart.net/in...al/taiwan.html

Good luck!

 

[theretohere]

Wow, thanks everyone.