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I'm new to this forum & I'm not sure quite what made me join it NOW... all I know is after a year+ of not really thinking about things much, it's all suddenly very present on my mind. It's been years since everything happened and it seems like every time I think I'm finally 'over' it, it all pops back up in my mind. Last night I was lying in bed 'til 1am thinking & reliving & crying. But I've had a good year or so. I gave birth to DS 15mos ago and giving birth one of the hardest things for me. *triggers* All I think of when I think of that day is how the OB kept insisting on 'checking' me and how they finally gave me an epidural so they could check me without me feeling it and how when I was pushing she kept putting her fingers inside me JUST LIKE HE DID and I asked her to stop and she said she had to, she needed to make sure I was pushing properly, and how afterward she had to stitch me up and all I could feel were her hands inside me and I kept asking her not to and I couldn't feed my son and I was so upset and they thought I didn't love my baby but I DID, I do, I love him so much, it's just that they took what should've been one of the happiest days of my life and brought me right back to the worst times in my life and I am SO ANGRY about it. OK sorry, I didn't mean to write all that, I really don't talk about this, I've never talked about what happened (in detail) to ANYONE and I am really scared to even post this but I need to get it out & I need to figure out why after years this is still affecting me so much when the rest of my life is 'perfect'. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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I am so sorry <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> That must have been very traumatic <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I hope that you are able to find healing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> oh it sounds like birth was a terrible painful trigger for you. I'm so sorry.<br><br>
When I joined, I wasn't sure why I chose that day to ask for access. I'm still not sure really, I just know that I need some help putting the past in the past. I hope you're able to find peace and that you find the women of this board helpful.
 

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I'm sorry you had those experiences. May I suggest counseling? In my case I thought I was over stuff, things that happened 15+ years ago, only to find myself in the midst of an abusive relationship. I had a hard time accepting that being assaulted at 16 and 19 were connected to the abusive relationship I had just exited. With the right counselor you can work through the fears and emotions you are feeling and find yourself in an even better place than before you were triggered. Of course come here too and know that we will support you and value your voice.<br><br>
I think that many times we are encouraged to "just get over it" and later after much time has passed, we think that we really are over it. But we aren't. I'm speaking from my own experience. Counseling has been amazing for me. I still have a long way to go, but it's nice to have several different resources helping me on my healing path.<br><br>
Welcome to SA. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">s
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> I was struck by you apologizing for what you wrote. Please, don't apologize. You honer us with your trust in this process. Writing is powerful.<br><br>
I am so sorry for your experience! My birth was also traumatic and brought up a ton of past abuse for me. In all the incredible pain you may experience there is great opportunity to heal.<br><br>
Welcome to the SA board!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I am so very sorry you have need of this forum but I am glad you are here. Thank you for sharing some of your story - that takes courage.<br><br>
Birth and breastfeeding are triggering for many women. Unfortunately not much, if any, time is given to that in OB training. They aren't trying to be insensitive, they just don't know <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Even my friend who is an amazing midwife says that they just don't have the time and resources to respond to labouring abuse survivors in the way they would like to. I am sorry you have such painful memories of giving birth.<br><br>
Therapy has been very helpful to me in dealing with this stuff. Is that something you have ever tried or considered?
 

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Thank you all for the welcome & support!!<br><br>
I tried therapy after having what I guess was a mental breakdown once... I really liked the therapist & we 'clicked' and just as I was starting to be ready to really open up to her, she suddenly left (personal reasons that I never found out) and the new therapist they switched me to, well, I just didn't feel as comfortable with her. I did see her for quite a while but I just couldn't seem to bring myself to open up & share the details, I was just too embarassed & ashamed.<br><br>
Now my 15-month-old won't stay with anyone else for even 5 minutes (no, not even DH) and he understands too much to have him be in the room for counseling, so I'm afraid it's just not in the cards right now. :-/ I'm just not really sure WHAT to do at this point except try to hold it all together & go on as normal.
 

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First let me say that I understand your perspective of it just not being in the cards right now and your decision not to seek therapy due to child care complications. I have made that decision more than once, including choosing not to use a referral to a specialist for what could have been a serious condition because I didn't have convenient childcare. (This condition has not been a concern that I can tell, but if I could go back, I would have it looked into further. This was almost 10 years ago.) As far as I know, I've been unscathed -- but this condition is linked to a higher incidence of deep vein thrombosis, among other serious health risks. How on earth did I think that I was doing better by my kids by being with them 24/7 than by taking a few short hours away to make sure I would continue to be with them? Well, I did, and it's a valid choice, but may not be without consequence.<br><br>
However, I am also painfully aware that my unwillingness to get help for some serious conditions that affected my functioning (possible PTSD, anxiety, and depression -- therapy has helped, but the best therapy was getting away from and being safe from my abusive ex) DID affect how I mothered my children. It felt at the time that therapy was something that rich people did to make an already-good life even better, but now I can see that it was something that I really needed just to be moderately okay. Seeking therapy for trauma can be a part of putting our oxygen masks on so that we can care for others EVEN WHEN it may seem to take away from things that those others need from us in the shorter term. I have been checked out when I maybe could have been more present with the help of therapy and part of where I am now is struggling to reconnect and be more available to them now.<br><br>
And I don't know why these things still affect us. I broke down sobbing the other day over a miscarriage that happened in 2004. I was able to identify some of the reasons (it was a symbol of my marriage breaking down, I was so alone in feeling the loss and I was alone when the products of conception passed from my body, when I was not for my live births). It was not a hormonal-cycle related thing. I am content with my two living children (who are more than enough some days) and I do not grieve a previous miscarriage (which was earlier term and I had an amazing dream that brought me closure after that one) anymore. But there's clearly something unprocessed and unresolved there for me, even though it "should" be over with by now (as my friend who listened to me sob suggested -- gently, mind you, in the context of therapy possibly being helpful).<br><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>crunchy_mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15389500"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thank you all for the welcome & support!!<br><br>
I tried therapy after having what I guess was a mental breakdown once... I really liked the therapist & we 'clicked' and just as I was starting to be ready to really open up to her, she suddenly left (personal reasons that I never found out) and the new therapist they switched me to, well, I just didn't feel as comfortable with her. I did see her for quite a while but I just couldn't seem to bring myself to open up & share the details, I was just too embarassed & ashamed.<br><br>
Now my 15-month-old won't stay with anyone else for even 5 minutes (no, not even DH) and he understands too much to have him be in the room for counseling, so I'm afraid it's just not in the cards right now. :-/ I'm just not really sure WHAT to do at this point except try to hold it all together & go on as normal.</div>
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I agree with Sparklefairy.<br><br>
Right now when I go to my individual counseling sessions, I take my DD with me. She is now 26mo. We started this last July so she was about the age that your DS is now. She is also very aware and sensitive to my emotions. But I felt that the trade off of her being there and me getting help was worth it. I am working towards transitioning her to stay with a sitter who she loves and stays with once a week now while I attend group therapy. It's just a matter of getting my sessions lined up with my sitters available times.<br><br>
In my case, I need the therapy to be the kind of Mom I want to be for DD. And she was also witness to the abuse by her father from the very beginning of pregnancy. Doesn't make it right, but I hope that maybe in some way she will understand that I am seeking help and trying to overcome those things that we both experienced at the start of her life. My counselor is great and is very aware of my DD and her responses to our conversations. It's a bit of a distraction, but we do get a lot accomplished and I think I am setting a healthy example to DD of how sometimes even when things are less than ideal that taking care of yourself so you can care for others is still very important.<br><br>
Just something to think about.
 
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