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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi I am a new member , I introduced myself over at the new members boards.<br>
My name is Allison, I was referred here by someone from another board after I posted on a thread that had become a for/ against spanking thread.<br>
I said that I was feeling really bad that I had lost control with my son and smacked him , he is 3 and he has never been smacked except once as a reflex once when he had my hair in his grip and I couldn't get away.<br>
I have a daughter who we started smacking as a toddler , DH and myself had both been brought up in a spanking household and didn't know anybetter. After my son was born I saw her hitting him all the time and would hit her back and say don't do that, warning bells started going off then with me thinking how can you tell her not to hit when you hit her, so gradually we started to change the way we thought and stopped smacking.<br>
I found when we made this decision together and we both agreed I realized how often we would hit in frustration, and had to stop ourselves frequently.<br>
Now this incident the other night. My son is 3 and very strong willed, he screams for his own way, hits, kicks, bites [ though this is getting better and rare]. Our form of discipline is to put him in his room, and he will kick the door in, scream he has to do wee, then hit you , and grunt at you when you let him out.<br>
My husband started a night job a few weeks ago so I have them at night and he has become a real handleful refusing to go to bed, clean his teeth, and this night I just lost it and was even sweating and my heart was racing with so much anger, I had spent 1/2 hour trying to get him into his night nappy and he keep fighting me, so I hit him .<br>
Later that night after him being in his room crying, screaming we both calmed down and I was so ashamed to see red marks on his little legs. We had heaps of cuddles and I said I was sorry for hitting him and I would never do it again.<br>
I felt like the worse scum of the universe, being so against smacking and finding myself in that horrible place.<br>
So thus I am here for help and support.<br>
Things have been better since that night, I am trying to give him heaps of cuddles and hugs, and trying to speak softly to him and defuse his angry moods.<br>
Sorry this has gone on and on.
 

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I am sorry that you had such a rough time. It is impossible to be in control all the time, and it really is hard on you when you have a moment when you lose it.<br><br>
What kind of help are you looking for specifically? You have found that putting him in his room only fuels the fire and does not stop the behavior that you are trying to eliminate--are you looking for alternatives to that? A lot of his behavior sounds like normal three year-old stuff. What specifically is he doing that makes you so angry?<br><br>
As for going to bed now, he has just had a major upheaval with dad's job change. Dad is not there at night; he misses him. He is going to need extra patience while he works through this. Have you asked him why he does not want to go to bed? Can he call dad before he lays down? I think the key is to show empathy, stay calm and stay the course. "I am sorry that you miss daddy. It is really hard for you isn't it? We still need to brush your teeth now." "NOOOOOOOO!" "It is time to brush your teeth now." Don't raise your voice, just pick him up and carry him in.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for your help. I guess I am just looking for feedback. I have read a bit here and this GD is all new to me. I still think kids need some limits without being too punitive.<br>
I don't remember our daughter being this bad at 3 and worry his behaviour isn't just age related and hate to picture him at 5 ,6 etc this bad.<br>
I do realize he is adjusting to the new situation at home and so am I.<br>
Staying calm is something I struggle with because little ones really are trying and very persistant.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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I think it's great that you are seeking out alternatives to spanking. I believe that the willingness to step back and assess how things are going and being willing to change is essential to great parenting.<br><br>
I also think sometimes just saying to yourself, "I'm not going to spank my kids" isn't enough. When things get tough and crazy and your emotions are spiraling out of control you really need to have more than that. I think really thinking about why you don't want spank and how you can accomplish that are just as important. You need to really read and think about what your philosophy about parenting is. I have found having that foundation makes things so much easier for me. When I find myself getting angry I can concentrate on all those things that when my head is clear and I'm not so emotional I truely believe in. I can focus on those thoughts when dd is standing in front of me in a puddle of water from the water pitcher she has tried to take out of the fridge for the 10th time and dropped AGAIN.<br><br>
So where do you start? Obviously there are a million "experts" out there yet there is no 1 "right" way to raise kids. I have found I read and read and read and there are things that just speak out to me. I kind of know where I want to go as far as parenting......no spanking, a calm loving home, yet kids that are behaved. So I seek out those things that help me do that.<br><br>
Once you have established a base from which you want to parent, it's easier to deal with individual situations. Here's an example....<br>
My "philosophy" is based largely on the concept that a childs primary need is to be "attached" to a caregiver. They need to feel unconditionally loved, feel safe, comfortable and totally accepted without condition. Also that a child has to "feel right to act right". Most acting out can be traced back to something going on that is making the child feel "not right". The behavior is just a symptom. Are the hungry, tired, frustrated, bored, feeling left out, feeling confused, feeling unsettled from new circumstances, feeling dettached from their caregiver,........<br>
My job is to figure out what is going on and help dd get back to a place where she feels better. I don't want to just treat the symptom, I want to get to what's really going on. The difficulty is that sometimes dd doesn't KNOW why she feels bad or how to feel better.<br><br>
So dd is freaking out everytime we try to leave home to go to the store or anywhere. Running away, screaming I don't want to go! Rather than focus on the symptoms (which by the way is not easy when I just want to get our coats on and make it to our appt on time). I try to stop and think about what is going on. She isn't just "testing me", pushing limits.....she is feeling something. We finally figure out that leaving home is really unsettleing for her. She is a home body and just really likes the safety and security of home. Even if we are going somewhere fun it is still the leaving home that is unsettling for her because once we get into the car and on our way she is fine. So we found that developing a routine when we leave helps her make the transition easier. Basically it is just talking about what we need to put on. Shoes, coat, hat, etc.... Something that simple makes all the difference.<br><br><br>
Just an example to show that it really helps to have a base from which to work. Does it solve every single problem? NO Do I still struggle? Sure, I'm human. But it does help me control some of the emotion that goes along with parenting and helps keep me on the road I want to travel.<br><br>
I would suggest you read as much as you can. The web has tons and tons of stuff and start developing a philosophy from which you want to work.<br>
Here a few that I love:<br><br><a href="http://www.empathic-discipline.com/index_beliefs.htm" target="_blank">http://www.empathic-discipline.com/index_beliefs.htm</a><br><br><a href="http://www.naomialdort.com/articles.html" target="_blank">http://www.naomialdort.com/articles.html</a> (several articles here)<br><br><br>
Also check on the anti-spanking sticky thread at top of GD board:<br><br><a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=231751" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=231751</a><br><br>
it has lots of links.<br><br>
And you thought your post when on and on........sorry! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
Good luck and you will finds lots of advice and ideas from all the post here.
 

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Hugs to you mama. I've been there.<br><br>
First of all, I strongly suggest that you do NOT send your child to his/her bedroom as a punishment. They begin to view the bedroom as a bad place...And that can lead to problems with them wanting to go to bed.<br><br>
I don't have any active suggestions for you (yet) on how to calm your anger which leads to wanting to spank.<br>
I just bought a book called SECRET TO PARENTING. It's all about not punishing children but still having well behaved kids. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> It's been highly recommended by moms on here. I will start to read it today.<br>
Maybe you can try getting it from the library or your local bookstore.<br>
It's supposed to be a humorous book too so it should be an enjoyable read.<br><br>
Peace,<br>
Liz
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you <i>sassafras12 I will look up those links you posted thank you for all your good advice.</i><br><i>lizc thank you as well. As putting our kids in their rooms is our main form of discipline , I am not sure about not doing that, this is all a bit new to me, I don't think he thinks his room is bad, he has only started giving me trouble about going to bed since daddy started nights. I am trying to be more gentle with him , getting down to his level and asking why he is hitting, he came up to me before while I was doing dishes and just started hitting me for no reason, and doing his cranky grunt. What am I supposed to do just ignore his hitting ? I will do lots of reading here and see what others do, but surely you don't all just let them do what they like, no critiscism intended. Just confused newbie.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"></i>
 
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