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My son is 3 months old yesterday! His dad and I have been split since I was 5 months pregnant. I need some advice on this situation, I just don't know what to do. His dad has not been supportive at all, he is a selfish all about him kind of person. The last few months before he was born, his dad kept saying he wanted 50/50 custody. I was okay with it at the time, never really agreed, but didn't disagree either. Fast forward to baby time. He took no time off to help me. I was in the hospital a little longer from complications with my epidural, I couldn't even sit up without searing head pain. He was 0 help with anything and kept bringing people in to see the baby. After the first week, he would come over a couple times a week to watch the baby for a bit. Then he started making excuses why he couldn't. Then he cried to my mom that I wouldn't let him take the baby out alone. Part of this was because he kept giving the baby formula when he watched him and wasted the milk I pumped, and part because he couldn't even change the baby in less than 15 min. I ended up letting him take the baby for half a day to try it out. After that was okay, I said he could take him overnight. This was around a month and a half old. This is when the excuses really started. For example:
I have to work (he took an extra shift)

I have to wash his things and get his stuff ready (used 3 weeks in a row)

I have food poisoning(used twice and attempted once more)

I'm too stressed, I need time to myself

I want some time off too, maybe we can do every other weekend

And the most recent. I am in the military and have my 2 weeks training. I got night shift so I wouldn't have to pay for a babysitter, his dad watches him at night and me during the day. My son sleeps a solid 8 hours already at night. I am on 12 hour shifts, then go home and sleep whenever my son takes a nap. His dad had the nerve to ask me to pay half for a babysitter because he "is tired and wants some alone time." Agh. Really dude?

At this point, I don't want to give him 50/50. He hasn't proved to me that he really wants it. All he does with the baby is show him off to his friends or put him in a bouncer. He doesn't play with him, still hasn't gotten the kind of toys my son likes, doesn't do tummy time or let my son sit up or stand because he is still super awkward with holding him.

I hate the guy, but I want him in my son's life. Just not 50/50 since he is a flake. Am I being unreasonable? He acts different around other people than me, so nobody else sees it. I just need some advice.
 

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Get primary custody asap. The longer this goes on the more difficult it will be to get primary custody and the more difficult it will be for your child.

Most social services in the USA are free and very helpful in educating and supporting women in your situation. That said they are also supportive of the father being in the child's life and you will have to be supportive of that also. It's the authority (or "power," to the immature parent) that will be decided in a custody agreement; authority over schooling, hours of custody, medical care, traveling with the child, etc.

Even if you get primary custody it's possible that the dad will not comply. Starting now I recommend that you track the amount of hours (overnights is big deal for social services for some reason), parenting tasks, and money all of which go to support the child. I would also no longer rely upon the dad for child care and don't rely on a family member either, you won't get primary custody if you aren't able to personally provide primary care. But most important is to not rely on the father any more, don't even ask him. If you get primary custody the whole point is that he's not willing or able so stop asking him, you can't have it both ways (he is the caregiver and he can't or won't be the caregiver).

Splitting the cost of a babysitter would be decided by the agency. These soft agreements and expectations you are making with the father need to stop for your own well-being. If you are separated then keep your personal and household life separate from him. Don't give him information and perceptions to use against you and take full and private responsibility for your family (which is you and the child, father is not part of that).

Most important is the child's well-being. You and the social services must be able to cooperate so that your child's best interest are being met. If the father takes parenting classes and grows in his commitment to the child then he can ask for a review and you need to support that because it's the child's welfare that is important. Being awkward with the child's care is not grounds for losing custody, for example. Not keeping appointments and refusing to care for the child is. Keep an open mind. This doesn't mean that you have to assess and make these decisions, let the agency decide with the accurate and thorough information that you are giving them.
 

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This really sounds like an awful story. BUT - you have to put your child's needs before yours. Don't act on anger or revenge (and you have a lot of reason to be angry). Think what is best for your kid, does he love his father? Does he want to see him? Does he enjoy spending time with him? Is his dad hurting him, mentally or physically? As long as being around his dad is good for him, through his subjective eyes, you's have to bite your tongue and do whatever you can to make it happen. It's unfair, it's not easy, but it's the best thing you can do for your child.
 
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