Nine years....

Happy Birthday, Austin. :

Austin

s Sending your family all my warm thoughts and love.

to you mama
Austin

Happy birthday, Austin

: For Austin

Austin

Happy birthday sweet baby Austin.

Thinking of your family.

Thank you all so much. This week just keeps getting harder..knowing how oblivious I was at the time that the clock was ticking down on our time together. Each day bringing me closer to the day he died.

*Huge hugs to you* mama, and Happy belated birthday to Austin. I get on here so little nowadays, with work being so far away, so I apologize for the lateness of this message.

What you said reminded me of visiting my brother Finn's grave (he died in 1986 from a placental abruption, same as Josie though apparently unrelated in terms of genetic stuff) and looking at his little white marble headstone. They made it out of a piece of scrap white marble they had in the shop - only big enough for a baby's headstone. My mother would clean it up and repaint the engraved lettering whenever it needed doing. Sometimes she'd cry quietly, sometimes she wouldn't. It really depended on the day. There was a railway line that ran behind the graveyard, down an embankment, and my brother and I would lean over the fence to watch the engines go past, and play in the old flowers removed in big piles from other people's new graves (they were in a big compost heap, put there by the cemetary gardeners I think). We'd explore the other, old graves, and the big tombs that people had made hundreds of years ago.

When we go back to England this summer, hopefully I can go visit him - he's in St Albans, which is such a pretty place.

Anyhow, you are a strong lady and you know, coming from the point of view of someone six months into the journey like myself, without other biological children, you give me hope, because you were then able to go on and have more children after losing Austin. Honestly at this stage, I would love to hold a living baby of my own...it's like a craving. You show me it can be done.

*HUGE hugs* again XXXXX

Quote:
My mother had a child die at the age of 3... she was hit by a car. There was a grave, but my mother never visited it. She never talked about it much. I knew about it, that I'd had another sister, but that was about it. When I was older and could drive, I went to the grave. I was the only one who ever did, as far as I know. My older brothers and sisters (who had been there when she was hit) never talked about her, either.

My mother did keep her picture on the wall with ours. But there was no yearly memory of her (I didn't even know her birthday until I was an adult). I always wondered, especially after I had my own children, how someone could lose a child and not acknowledge it that way. I imagined the pain was so great, maybe she just had to block it out as much as she could?

Of course, now I know what it feels like. But I still can't imagine doing what she did... living as much as possible in denial. I'm sure she thought she was "moving on," but I don't know if she really did. Especially since she once said to me, "When you came along, I was afraid to get close to you, because I'd already lost one child." And I've always been estranged, in that way, from my mother. There's a wall there she put up after her daughter died, and there's no getting past it for me.

SO that whole long explanation just to say - I'm so glad to see you acknowledging and honoring your child after nine years, and for including your other children and letting them understand your loss. It's a gift and a blessing to them and you and to Austin's memory. :

Dawn-thank you for saying that. I can't even count how many times over the years that I have been told that I'm probably doing damage to them including them in things we do in my son's memory. Not that I plan on not including them. But it still hurts. Although this from the same people who tell me I have survived this or that it gets easier or that I should be over it or I need to move on or since I have other children I shouldn't think of him or grieve for him or that my other children replace him. I could go on and on. I do not believe ANY of that and get very angry when I hear people say it.
I actually had the same problem when my oldest came along. After losing my son I never wanted another child..ever. But I did get pregnant again..way too soon. And I had a horrible time bonding w/her. She was well over a year old before we started to form any kind of bond. I do love my girls w/all my heart but it still pains me when I hear people talking about having another as though it just fixes everything..because (for me at least) it certainly doesn't happen that way. Anyway I guess I'm just rambling on..sorry.

Tomorrow is the day he died. It hurts every bit as much now as it did then.

Thinking of you and your dear Austin today mama